Losing Control

 

Knox pulled into a gravel parking lot and stopped the rental near a trail map. When he’d asked me to go running, I pictured my typical route around the neighborhood. It wasn’t until he showed up this morning and ushered me into the SUV that I realized he had something else in mind.

As we started jogging on a surprisingly well-maintained path, I couldn’t help but think back to the short hike Knox and I took outside of Santa Cruz. The trees in these woods weren’t as impressive as the redwoods, but the forest was still lush and beautiful.

“This reminds me a lot of that trail we walked after riding Black Beauty.”

“It’s the black beast, as you well know. And, I agree about the trail.” His lips raised in a satisfied grin. “That’s why I picked it.”

“How did you even find this place?”

“I had plenty of time to explore while you were working, and ignoring me and Theo, the last two days.”

“Right,” I replied, annoyed with myself. Ever since Theo dropped the bomb on me about what he, Knox, Chase, Liam, and Jackson had discussed, and supposedly agreed to, I’d been doing a pretty decent job of avoiding the brothers.

That’s right, brothers. Who both want to date me. That right there sounded like a disaster waiting to happen. Add Chase, Liam, and Jackson into the mix—epic catastrophe. How could I possibly survive it unscathed? And, more importantly, how could they?

The last thing I wanted to do was cause even more problems within Team Jaguar. They were each other’s family. And, as much as I longed to be a member of that family, I didn’t know if it was possible, especially because of what happened with Ethan. Ever since finding out he left the team for good, he was like a ghost, haunting my every waking moment. I wasn’t sure whether he blamed me for his decision to walk away from the guys, but it didn’t matter. I blamed myself enough for the both of us.

Instinctively, I quickened my pace. I sensed Knox’s desire to question me, but he merely sped up to stay beside me. That was one of the things I loved about Knox; he knew when to back off and let me be.

Wait. Love? No, I didn’t mean it like that, I tried to convince myself.

I was so freaking conflicted, it wasn’t even funny.

The more I tried to clear my mind, the less control I had over my thoughts, and memories crashed into me. Chase’s sweet and perfect kiss on Christmas Eve and the look on his face when he asked me to be his girlfriend. Cuddling in the basement with Knox while watching Arrow. His amazing bear hugs that felt like being wrapped up in a security blanket. The flour fight with Liam and his seductive kiss in the pool. His incessant flirting that had somehow transformed from annoying to endearing. Jackson’s husky voice saying, You’re beautiful, sweet, intelligent, and way too tempting. And, Theo. How could I ever pick only a moment or two? He had the uncanny ability to make me happy every time I was near him.

Increasing my speed once again, I almost relished the pain in my lungs as I fought for breath. Knox called my name from behind me, but I ignored him. I pushed my body like I could outrun my inner turmoil and the hurt I’d caused. Like I could outrun the ache in my chest urging me to go home, consequences be damned.

Stumbling, I sprawled on the ground and sucked in gulps of air. Feeling like the weight of the world had shoved me down, I didn’t move, didn’t know if I could.

Knox knelt beside me and helped me sit up. “Where are you hurt?”

“No-nowhere,” I gasped out, still unable to get my breathing under control.

Knox cupped my face in his large hands. “Look at me, sweetheart.”

I met his concerned green eyes. “Good. Now, breathe in . . . breathe out . . . breathe in . . . breathe out.” He repeated his quiet instructions until my body caught on and started following the calming pattern.

When I was finally breathing normally again, Knox pulled me onto his lap and inspected my exposed skin. With the gentlest of touches, he brushed dirt and tiny rocks from my knees and hands, dabbing at a few spots of blood with the edge of his T-shirt.

“Are you okay?”

“They’re just scratches,” I replied, intentionally misinterpreting his question. It was obvious to both of us that my minor fall didn’t cause the panic attack.

“Are you up to walking a little?”

I nodded.

With what must have taken impressive core strength, Knox stood and lifted me up at the same time. We walked in silence for a few minutes before he led me off the path to a small clearing in front of a stream. Seated on the damp grass, I inhaled the scents of cedar and moss and noticed the distant sound of a woodpecker at work. It was such a peaceful spot, it was difficult to believe we were still in the middle of Portland.

“Do you want to tell me what happened back there?” Knox’s voice was soft, coaxing even.

“Not really.”

“Will you anyway?”

I watched the ripples in the water as it flowed over stones and small branches. “I don’t know if I can.”

“Okay, then let me say something first. I’m sure what Theo told you the other night must have come as a shock. It’s not exactly how I wanted you to find out that I have feelings for you, but I’m glad you finally know.”

At Knox’s words, I forced my gaze to meet his. He had the kind of face I could stare at for hours and never get bored of. It was appealing in a way that was more rugged than pretty, and with those piercing green eyes, I often felt like he could see right through me.

“Honestly, it’s kind of hard to believe you think of me like that.”

He chuckled. “Then you haven’t been paying attention.”

“There have been little signs, sure, but any of those could have been interpreted as friendship. You’re a protector by nature. It was inevitable that we’d get close living in the same house.”

“Does that mean you don’t think of me like that?”

“Are you kidding? I would have to be crazy not to.” My face heated at the passionate tone of my denial.

“Good.” He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “Because it’s important to me that you not feel pressured into anything. If you want to date all of us, we’re ready. If you want to date only some or none of us, we’ll accept that too. It’s in your hands.”

“You realize it’s an insane idea, don’t you?”

“Yes and no.” He looked off into the distance, as though he needed to gather his thoughts. “We got to know you, and you us, under unusual circumstances. We each formed a bond with you without the pressure of a romantic relationship. But, that didn’t mean we weren’t struggling with our attraction to you. We just, for the most part, chose to ignore it. Now, we’ve all agreed that we can’t ignore it anymore. We don’t want to.”

“That doesn’t mean that me dating five guys is a good idea. Guys who happen to be best friends.”

“If I ask you something, will you swear to answer honestly?” When I didn’t immediately respond, he insisted, “Swear it, Haley.”

“Okay, okay, I swear.”

“If you had to choose one of us right now, could you do it? Don’t answer right away. I want you to think about it.”

And think about it, I did. It was a question that had plagued me many times since first realizing I had feelings for “my guys.” I closed my eyes and tried to picture myself with each of them. Was there one I wanted more than the others? Could I pick Chase over Theo? No. Theo over Liam? Still, no. Liam over Jackson? Maybe, if I had to make a decision today. But, that was only because Jackson had always kept me at arm’s length by comparison. I was undoubtedly intrigued by him and extremely attracted to him. Could I choose Knox over Theo, Liam, or Chase? No, no, no.

“No, I couldn’t.”

“Then, give us a chance to win you over.”

I shook my head. “I can’t. I just . . . can’t.”

Knox took my hand and held it in both of his. “Would it help to talk to Chase, Jax, and Liam? You can call them, or they would fly up here in a split second. They’d be here now if we weren’t worried about overwhelming you.”

“No, it’s fine. Talking to them won’t change my mind.”

“Then, tell me what will.”

“Nothing. I refuse to cause another rift in the team.”

“Another?”

I chewed on my lower lip. It’s now or never, Haley.

“I knew about Ethan quitting the team before you told me the other night. Actually, I knew before I left Santa Cruz.”

Knox gaped at me, an unexpected departure from his usual poker face. “He told you?”

“No, I overheard part of your conversation with Jackson in the garage the night Ethan filed the paperwork. I didn’t mean to listen in, but I was checking the security feed, and . . .” I shrugged.

“Is that the real reason you left? Because Ethan quit the team?” Dismay was evident in his voice.

“Part of it. That and Douglas.”

“Ethan’s idiotic decision to quit wasn’t about you,” he growled.

“Wasn’t it, though? You even said something along those lines to Jackson.”

“I did?”

“Yes.”

He ran his fingers roughly through his hair. “Damn it, I barely even remember what we talked about that night, I was so pissed off.”

“That’s not all,” I said, ready to get the worst part over with. “A few nights before, Ethan showed up at the loft. He said that he wanted us to be together, and I told him no.”

“Shit.”

My eyes filled with tears. “I had no idea what he was going to do. If I’d known, I would have tried to stop him, I would have—”

Knox wrapped me into a hug. “Shhh, Haley. It wasn’t your fault. None of this was your fault.”

After a few moments, I pulled back. “You don’t know that. See, this is why I can’t date all of you. What if it happens again? Or something worse?”

“Look, I’m not going to insult your intelligence by pretending that you turning Ethan down a few days before he quit is a coincidence, but I believe there’s more to the story. I hunted him down the day before his resignation was official, and he was a mess. Bitter and angry and . . . I don’t know, not the Ethan we all used to know. As amazing as you are,” he said with an almost-grin, “I don’t think for one second all of that was about you. There’s something else going on with him.”

“You really think so?” A small amount of weight lifted from my chest. Was it possible that Ethan’s leaving truly wasn’t about me?

“I do. Even if your rejection was part of it, you can’t blame yourself.” His expression hardened. “Ethan should have been mature enough to deal with it. You are not responsible for his stupid decisions.”

I let that sink in. “So, you’re not worried about this having a negative effect on the team?”

“I believe we can handle it.” The lines in his face relaxed. “What we can’t handle is losing you from our lives.”

Unable to help myself, I smiled. “That’s a pretty smooth line . . .”

“Not a line.”

“You didn’t let me finish. That’s a pretty smooth line and an effective one.”

“Good.”

I sighed, ready for this conversation to be over. I needed to think. “How long are you and Theo staying?”

“As long as it takes.”

We walked back to the car slowly and silently. Maybe it wasn’t fair to them, but I was relieved Knox and Theo weren’t pressuring me to decide. I’d jumped into leaving Santa Cruz; I wouldn’t make the same mistake twice.