Push & Pull

 

I lost track of time watching waves crash against rocks. The sun was hiding behind the clouds, and I could feel the chill biting into my skin. I didn't dare move, though, for fear I would break.

It was simple enough to ignore everything Ethan said. He’d made his own mistakes, and I didn’t need to pile his guilt on top of my own. Jess’s words . . . those were the ones haunting me. I should have been prepared for her reaction, but after Kara took the news so well, I’d convinced myself that Jess would find a way to be happy for me. I was experiencing life, taking chances, falling in love—all the things she’d always insisted on wanting for me.

Part of me was angry she didn’t see it like that. But, the more rational part understood that she was genuinely worried about me. For me.

And, I couldn’t totally blame her. I was worried about me. More than that, I worried about Theo, Chase, Jackson, Liam, and Knox. Worried what would happen if I chose. What would happen if I didn’t. What would happen if I was forced to walk away again.

Maybe I needed to just get it over with. I could build a sand castle representing each guy and see which one remained standing when the tide came in. Would I build only one that could withstand the waves, subconsciously choosing whomever I was meant to be with?

My cell buzzed in my purse for at least the twentieth time, so I finally pulled it out and looked at the screen. Knox was calling.

Without thinking, I accepted the call and held the phone to my ear.

“Haley? Are you okay?”

I shook my head, wishing he could see the action so I didn’t have to speak. “I need you.” The words came out as a choked whisper.

“I’ll be right there.”

By the time I realized he’d already disconnected the call, I heard a motorcycle pulling into the lot, and I allowed myself a slight smile. Only Knox.

I pushed my phone back in my purse and didn’t bother turning around when I heard footsteps approaching. I let out a sigh of relief as a leather coat settled around my shoulders, engulfing me in warmth and Knox’s scent. He sat in the sand behind me and snaked his arms around my waist.

Snuggling into his chest, I asked, “If you already knew where I was, why did you bother calling?”

“I was trying to respect your privacy, if that’s what you wanted.”

I tilted my head back to look at him. “That was big of you.”

His grin was rueful. “I’m working on it.”

“Thanks for coming.”

“I always will.” His eyes scanned my face. “Do you want to talk about it?”

I returned my gaze to the water. All afternoon, I’d planned on keeping the fight with Jess to myself, but as soon as I saw Knox’s name on my screen, I wanted to tell him everything. So, I shouldn’t have been surprised when the entire story—from Ethan’s apology and warning to Jess’s snarky comments—spilled out.

By the end, I felt wrung out and found myself wiping unexpected tears from my cheeks.

Knox moved my hair aside and kissed the back of my neck, instantly warming my skin. “You hold too much in.”

I snorted. “You’re one to talk.”

“Yeah, but I’m a man. It’s expected.”

He continued to hold me close, giving me time to recover, before speaking again. “If I ask you something, will you swear to answer honestly?”

Recognizing the question he’d posed during our run in Portland, I nodded.

“If you had to choose one of us right now, could you do it?”

I stared into the orange and purple sky, my heart racing, because the mere idea of choosing filled me with dread. The first time he’d asked the question, I made myself think about it, but now I couldn’t even do that. It hurt too much. I couldn’t imagine losing any of them.

When I didn’t respond right away, he gripped my waist tighter. “Whatever you say to me is between the two of us. And, you don’t have to worry about hurting my feelings.”

I turned my body so I faced him, our knees touching. Staring at my hands, I whispered, “Am I a terrible person if my answer is still no?”

He tilted my chin up. “Haley, you could never be a terrible person. Never. I only asked because I want to make sure you’re still okay with this. None of us are complaining.”

“Really?” My tone was hopeful even to my ears. “Not even Chase?”

I realized now that I mostly worried about Chase. Knox, Theo, Jackson, and Liam had never given me a reason to believe they were frustrated by our situation. Chase, though . . . I saw glimpses of jealousy from him that concerned me.

“May I speak frankly?”

“Of course.”

Knox linked our fingers together and stroked his thumb over the top of my hand. “I think Chase may need some kind of gesture, something that lets him know he’s special to you.”

“You think he doesn’t know that?”

“Deep down, I’m sure he does. But, he may have trouble seeing it right now.”

Because I’m dating four other guys.

“That makes sense. And, the others?”

“Keep doing what you’re doing. I’ve never seen them happier.”

A blush crept up my cheeks, but I doubted Knox could see it in the waning light.

“And, you?”

He brushed a hand over my face and held it there. “I know I’ve never been happier.”

Tears pricked at my eyes, but I didn’t let them fall this time. Instead, I rose to my knees and kissed him. Although I’d initiated a peck with Knox before, it was never like this. I poured all my feelings into the kiss. The worry and relief, confusion and clarity, and more than anything, the overwhelming happiness I felt every time I was in his arms.

He reciprocated by holding me close, touching me reverently. My cheeks, jaw, neck—any uncovered skin—burned from his touch.

When I was spent, emotionally and physically, I drew away and watched him watch me. A pleasurable kind of tension crackled between us, making me want to throw myself back into his arms just as much as I longed for a few moments of distance.

“I’m leaving for Dallas in the morning,” he finally said, the unmistakable gravel in his voice affecting me more than I wanted to admit. “Will you stay with me tonight?”

I hesitated, knowing this time would be different. I wouldn’t merely sleep in his arms. We would do more, somehow be more. It was scary and exhilarating, but I was ready.

“Yes, but can we sit here for a while first?”

He placed his hands on my waist and flipped me around so that I landed in his lap. “For as long as you want,” he replied against my neck.

I stared once again at the ocean, all signs of the sun now faded to black. “I’ll miss you.”

“Nowhere near as much as I’ll miss you.”

The quiet was broken by the sound of my phone buzzing again, and I sighed.

“Theo’s just worried about you,” Knox said.

“How do you know it’s him?”

“He called me to ask if I’d heard from you. That’s when I checked your phone’s GPS and drove over here.”

I grabbed my cell, feeling guilty. I’d been so wrapped up in all my issues, I’d forgotten that Theo was waiting at home. Ignoring the string of missed texts from him, I focused on the most recent one.

Theo: If I don’t hear from you in the next five minutes, I’m siccing Knox on you.

Me: Too late. He’s sitting next to me.

“Technically, I’m sitting under you.”

“I doubt Theo would appreciate that visual,” I retorted, and Knox chuckled.

Me: Sorry I didn’t respond earlier.

Theo: Just glad you’re okay.

Knox plucked the phone from my hands.

“Hey, what are you—”

“Shhhh.”

He tapped out a message, then showed me the screen.

Me: I’m staying with Knox at Jax’s tonight.

Theo responded with a heart emoji, and Knox sent back a smiley face blowing a kiss. I laughed, knowing Knox probably despised emojis as much as the word “selfie.”

He tucked the phone back in my purse and scooted me off his lap so he could stand, then pulled me up. “We should go. You’re a popsicle.”

I followed him back to the parking lot and paused in front of the Jeep, shrugging off his coat. “Why are we going to Jax’s?”

“I planned on staying there tonight, since Jax and I leave for the airport early in the morning. And, I figured you’d welcome a break from Theo’s questions. At least, for tonight.”

He knew me too well. As much as I loved Theo, I didn’t think I could handle talking about everything again. And, there was no way Theo would let me off the hook after I disappeared all afternoon.

“Okay. As long as you’re sure Jax won’t mind.”

He gave me a look that I deemed a manlier version of rolling his eyes. “You’re kidding, right? Didn’t he give you a key to his place?”

I didn’t bother responding, knowing he was right, and climbed into the Jeep while Knox hopped on his motorcycle. “See you there.”

Not surprisingly, he beat me to the house and was waiting with a duffel bag slung over his shoulder and his hand on the doorknob. When I reached him, he opened the door and called out, “Jax, I have a surprise for you!”

Jackson didn’t look up from his spot on the couch, where he was staring at his laptop. “Unless it’s cold beer or porn, I don’t give a shit.”

Well, okay. “Guess I’ll go, then.”

At the sound of my voice, his head snapped up and Knox choked back a laugh, probably because of the horrified look on Jackson’s face.

“Haley, hi. I wasn’t expecting you.”

Feeling more than a little awkward, I shuffled back a few steps. “Yeah, sorry about that. I can go.”

“No!” He shot to his feet, and Penny hopped off the couch, following him. “I’m glad you’re here.” He scowled at Knox. “You, not so much.”

Knox shrugged. “Not my fault you made an ass of yourself.” He looked between me and Jackson. “I’ll go take a shower and give you two a minute.”

I watched him walk away, wondering if it was wrong to admire the way his jeans hugged his butt while standing next to Jackson. Deciding not to examine the issue too closely, I bent and lavished all my attention on Penny. Not for the first time, I was glad she was there to provide a distraction.

When I couldn’t ignore him any longer, I stood and gave him tremulous smile. “Do you still want me to watch her while you’re in Dallas?” He’d texted me a couple of days earlier to ask, and I’d agreed to pick her up and keep her at the loft with me.

“If you don’t mind.”

“Not at all.”

“Good.” He looked like he wanted to say something else but walked to the kitchen instead. “Can I get you something to drink?”

“Well, I was craving cold beer, but it sounds like you’re out.”

My teasing tone must have broken through his former hesitation, because he froze, then turned and stalked toward to me. He placed his hands on my hips and backed me up, trapping me against the wall.

“I hate when you’re uncomfortable around me.” His breath fanned over my lips as he spoke.

“I’m sorry.” Too preoccupied by the proximity of our bodies to think clearly, the words sounded more like a question than a statement.

“Don’t be sorry. Be confident in how I feel about you.”

Hypnotized by his intense indigo eyes, I opened my mouth, and words I never intended to say tumbled out. “How do you feel about me?”

One hand moved to cup my jaw. “Are you certain you’re ready to hear the answer to that question?”

I blinked at him in response, and he chuckled. “I’ll say this, then. I miss you when you’re not around, and I can’t wait to get you in my bed.”

“Just to sleep, right?” Who was this girl being flippant about sex? Surely it couldn’t be me.

“We’ll do that too.”

Knox cleared his throat, and I jerked, not having heard him re-enter the room. I tried to move away from Jackson, but he held me in place and blocked my view of Knox.

“Looks like you’re the one who needs a shower, Jax. A long, cold one.”

Jackson kept his gaze trained on me as he replied to Knox. “I had something else in mind.”

“I bet you did, but Haley needs dinner, and she’s sleeping with me tonight.”

I drew in a sharp breath, surprised Knox said that outright.

“That’s too bad.” Jackson pressed his lips to mine in a quick but possessive kiss before moving away. “My bed’s considerably more comfortable than the fold-out sofa bed,” he said as he disappeared into the kitchen. “In case you change your mind.”

“She won’t,” Knox growled. I worried for a second that he was upset about walking in on me with Jackson, but his expression was serene if not slightly amused.

Jackson dug through the refrigerator and pulled out a few items. “How do you feel about omelets? The options are limited since I’m headed out of town.”

“Sounds great.”

I started to join him in the kitchen, but he stopped me. “I’ve got this. Have a seat and fill me in on your progress.”

I sat at the table and groaned, immediately knowing what he was referring to. In the three weeks since Jackson handed over a chunk of Team Laredo’s files, I’d been spending my free time combing through them. And, I’d found a whole lot of nothing. There were no obvious inconsistencies between the Laredo files and the official Zenith records. Neither were there any obvious connections between Team Laredo and the Zenith break-in.

“What progress? You know I’d call you the second I actually found anything.”

He expertly cracked the eggs and whisked them in a mixing bowl. “What about impressions? Anything stand out to you about the team?”

I thought back to notes I’d made over the last few days. “If anything, their reports are too clean.”

Knox joined me at the table. “What do you mean?”

“I’ve scanned reports completed by other Zenith teams for comparison, and I haven’t seen a single one that was as detailed or free of errors as Laredo’s. Almost like they’ve been passed around and perfected before submitting.”

Knox frowned. “Those guys don’t strike me as the type to put extra thought into proofreading.”

“They aren’t,” Jackson agreed.

“The interesting thing is that if you go back to their reports from several years ago, they look like everyone else’s.”

“So, they haven’t always been so careful.” He slid an omelet on a plate and placed it in front of me. “Good work, Haley. Don’t worry about not finding anything concrete. I wasn’t expecting it.”

“Oh, I’m going to keep looking. I’m determined to find something useful.”

“Reminds me of someone else I know,” Knox said, pointedly looking at me then Jackson.

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” I smiled, realizing how much I meant it. In the beginning, I’d been so distracted by the things I didn’t want to like about Jackson, I failed to see the positives. He was successful, intelligent, driven, and loyal to a fault. If Knox saw some of the same qualities in me, I’d happily accept the comparison.

After dinner, Jackson said goodnight and went upstairs to pack and finish whatever he’d been working on before Knox and I arrived. Exhausted from the emotional day, I suggested a movie in bed. Knox agreed, so I disappeared into the bathroom to change into one of his T-shirts.

Assuming I’d have to search the bathroom for an extra toothbrush, I was surprised to discover an oversized, blue cosmetic bag with white stars sitting on the counter. I unzipped it to find the exact products I used daily—toothbrush and toothpaste, shampoo and conditioner, body wash, razor, lotion, moisturizer, makeup remover, mineral foundation, lip gloss, and mascara—all brand new.

I washed my face, and when I reached for a towel, I saw a pair of soft pajama pants and tank hanging from a hook on the back of the door. If I had any lingering doubts as to whether Jackson wanted me around, the pajamas and cosmetics convinced me. He’d gone to a lot of trouble to ensure I’d be comfortable when I finally stayed over.

When I returned to the study-slash-guest room, Knox had already made the bed and was sitting on the edge, flipping through movie channels. I placed the T-shirt back in his duffel and asked, “Did you know Jackson stocked up on practically everything that’s in my bathroom at the loft?”

“No, but it doesn’t surprise me. Told you he wouldn’t mind you showing up.”

Remembering Jackson’s comment when we first arrived, I snorted. “I wasn’t exactly his first choice, though.”

Knox laughed but said, “Give the guy a break. It was a joke, and judging by the way he was all over you earlier, you were definitely his first choice.

“Now, can we please stop talking about Jax? Unless you’ve decided to sleep upstairs.” He bounced once, and the mattress dipped and the frame creaked. “I wouldn’t blame you. He wasn’t kidding—his bed is way more comfortable.”

“Trying to get rid of me?”

“Never.” He stopped on a romantic comedy, then looked at me as if that choice alone proved his point.

I climbed in next to him and watched while he removed his shirt. It didn’t matter how many times I saw him without one, I was in awe every single time. His back muscles flexed as he bent down to remove his boots, and I barely resisted running my finger down the crease that lined his back.

When he laid back on the bed without removing any other clothing, I couldn’t help but ask, “You’re leaving your jeans on?”

He placed a hand on my hip and stroked the stretch of bare skin between my tank and pants with his thumb. “It’s probably for the best. We’re both tired, and . . .” He didn’t finish the sentence, but he didn’t need to. Every time I was close to Knox I wanted to be closer, and I knew he felt the same about me. I never realized how tempting it would be to just let go.

Before allowing my imagination to run wild, I snuggled my back against his chest and turned my attention to the movie. He sighed into my hair and entwined our legs, holding me tight against him.

My fingers skimmed over his hand and snagged on his leather bracelet. “Why do you always wear this?” Knox didn’t seem the type to be concerned with fashion accessories.

Stiffening, he stayed quiet for a few moments before removing the bracelet and lifting his wrist. “I have a scar.”

I leaned forward, making out a small circle of discolored skin on the top of his wrist. “What happened?”

“My grandmother thought burning her cigarette into my skin was a fitting punishment for getting into a fight at school.”

I gasped. No wonder he wasn’t heartbroken at his grandmother’s funeral. I kissed the scar, hoping to provide comfort. “That’s horrible. Is that the only one?”

“No, I have another on my shoulder that’s covered by my tattoo.”

Once again, I wanted to cry for what he’d endured at the hands of his so-called family. “I’m sorry, Knox.”

“It’s okay. It was a long time ago, and she’s gone now.”

I nodded, snuggling deeper into his arms. When my eyes began fluttering closed mid-way through the movie, he whispered, “Good night, sweetheart.”

“Good night, cuddly bear.”

I felt the rumble of his quiet laugh behind me and fell asleep with a smile on my face.