Chapter Twenty-Five

Ryan

I hear Alice and Sophia outside the apartment door for about a minute before I get up and let them in myself, half expecting to see them digging around in their handbags for the keys or just chatting away to themselves without a care in the world. When I see Sophia’s face, and I can tell from her eyes that she’s been crying, I know something’s up. I look to Alice, who gives me a shrug of compassion and then back again to my wife.

“What’s up?” I say, backing away from the door to let them into the apartment.

Sophia takes a deep breath, wipes the tears away from her eyes, leans up and kisses me. “Promise you won’t freak out”, she says before taking a seat on the couch.

“Okay”, I say, crouching down in front of her to take her hands in mine, “I promise I won’t freak out.”

Sophia looks up to me, her eyes wet with tears, while Alice leans against the doorframe and watches us both with a look in her eye that makes me feel way more unsettled than I want to.

“What is it?” I ask. “Is everything okay.”

Sophia shakes her head and begins to cry again, her hands trembling.

“Jesus, Sophia, what’s happened?” I say, pulling her into me for a hug.

I know she went to the doctor’s this morning, but her message said everything was fine. I don’t want to think that anything might have happened to her on the way back, but something’s worked her up.

“It’s big”, Sophia says. “It’s a big thing, I don’t know how to say it.”

I pull away so I can look her in the eyes. They are full of fear and it scares me too. “Just say it, honey”, I say. “I’m here. I’m not going to judge you, just tell me what it is and we can work out how to deal with it.”

Thoughts run through my head at about a million miles an hour, as I try to hone in on the worst case scenario. Is she ill? Is someone in her family? Is she seeing someone? Is she already married?

“If you don’t want to tell me”, I say. “If you need to work up to it.”

Sophia shakes her head. “Sit down, Ryan”, she says, as she tries to regulate her breath.

“You’re scaring me”, I confess, before I sit down on the couch alongside her.

Sophia turns into me, takes my hand in hers and fixes her eyes on mine. “I’m just going to say it”, she says. “I can’t not say it, so I’m just going to say it.”

“Okay”, I say, trying to make my voice sound as calm as possible and hoping to all hell she’s not about to tell me she’s been seeing someone else, she’s been taking me for a ride this entire time and the guilt has pushed her to a confession.

“I’m pregnant”, she says, half of the word getting swallowed by silence as the gravity of the admittal becomes too much for her.

“Fuck”, I say, my eyes about as wide as dinner plates. That I definitely did not see coming.

“I didn’t know”, Sophia is quick to add, while the effect of that statement hits me like thunder following the flash of lightning. I feel a hollowness in the pit of my stomach, and a sickness run into my chest. Sweat dampens my brow and dots the back of my neck like condensation on the inside of a window, while my mouth dries up so much I have to swallow just to make sure I’m not going to suddenly stop breathing too.

“I only found out today, right now, I didn’t know”, Sophia continues

I’m on my feet before I realize what I’m doing, suddenly unsure how to control my reaction. To say i’m surprised is the understatement of the century. I might be less shocked right now if you showed me a picture of a extraterrestrial they’d just found in Texas.

“You said you wouldn’t freak out”, Sophia adds, tears streaming down her cheeks as she watches me stagger around the living room, hands on my head as though my brains might burst out if I didn’t hold them there, completely unsure what to do.

“You’re pregnant?” my mind tells my mouth to say.

Sophia nods.

“But—”, I begin, about a million questions all trying to come out at once.

“Twelve weeks”, Sophia says. “I didn’t know”, she adds. “I’m so sorry, Ryan, they just told me.”

My eyes go to Alice’s but it’s not for confirmation, even though she gives it to me, it’s to share the weight of the news. I slump down on the couch, unable to keep myself upright.

“Pregnant?” I mumble. “A baby. Twelve weeks. We didn’t even know each other twelve weeks ago.”

I can feel my heart beating at about the speed of light, just to keep up with my brain. My wife is pregnant and the baby isn’t my own. I look at her belly and then up to her big round chocolate colored eyes, which are red in the corners and wet with tears. Fear descends on me like a swarm of hungry mosquitos, chilling my spine and making my hands tremble.

“Are you seeing someone else?”

I feel sick to the pit of my stomach and it feels like someone’s taken a run up and killed me in the balls. My brain pieces it all together for me, much quicker than my lips can speak the words. My wife has been seeing someone else all this time.

But Sophia’s shaking her head. She wipes tears away from her cheek with the heel of her palm and comes over towards me.

“I’m not seeing anyone else”, she says. “I haven’t seen anyone since Jack took off with my money over a month ago. I’m not with anyone else and I don’t want to be with anyone else”, she adds. “I want to be with you.”

I don’t need to look at her for more than a second to know she’s telling the truth. I can also tell she’s in just as much shock as I am. I pull her into me and hug her tightly.

“How do this happen?” I ask.

Sophia shakes her head. “I don’t know”, she says. “I’ve been on birth control for a year. I haven’t missed it once.”

“I can’t believe it”, I say, unable to keep the words inside me. Not just about the birth control failing, but more generally, about this whole situation. I can’t believe Sophia is pregnant.

“Who’s is it?” I ask.

Sophia pauses briefly before she responds and that’s enough to allow me to guess with a pretty good degree of accuracy. “Jack?” I say.

Sophia nods. “I’m so sorry, Ryan”, she says.

I sweep the hair away from her face and rub a tear away from her cheek with the thick of my thumb. “Hey, you don’t have to apologize for anything”, I say, “you haven’t done anything wrong.”

“I don’t know what to do”, she says, clearly overwhelmed by this unexpected turn of events. If I’m as shocked as I am right now, this must be a million times as surreal for Sophia. I know this is something we both have to deal with and there is no way I’d do otherwise but I can’t even imagine what it must be like to know there’s a life growing inside you.

Alice clears her throat just to get our attention. “Guys”, she says, pointing towards her bedroom door. “If you’re both okay, I’m going to—.”

“Thank you, Alice”, Sophia says. “I think we’re okay from here.”

“Good luck”, Alice says, with a smile and makes a quick exit before she’s called upon to stay.

I pull Sophia into me again and she sobs quietly onto my shoulder. “Don’t worry”, I say, running my fingers through her hair. “We’ll work it out.”

“Are you angry?” she asks.

“No”, I say quickly. “Of course I’m not angry. I’m shocked, but I’m not angry. I was worried it was going to be something worse. I thought you were going to leave me.”

“I thought you’d leave me if I told you”, Sophia says, “but I knew I couldn’t not tell you. I knew you’d know something was up.”

“Why did you think I’d leave you?”

Sophia shrugs. “I’m pregnant”, she says. “It’s not exactly the best wedding present is it? Especially when it’s someone else’s baby.”

“I can’t believe you’re pregnant”, I say, the shock dissipating slightly to make way for a nervous grin.

A mischievous look flashes across Sophia’s eyes while her lips curl up into a kind of smile too. It’s a look that reflects resigned disbelief perfectly.

“I wasn’t planning on having a baby for at least another five years”, she says. “I can’t believe I’m pregnant either.”

I move my hand to her belly because I want to feel it. “You’ve been drinking”, I say, the thought suddenly occuring to me.

“And taking the pill every day”, Sophia says, “but the doctor says it’s healthy. You won’t be able to feel it you know. It’s not very big.”

“What do babies look like at twelve weeks?”

“Like aliens”, Sophia says, reaching for her handbag. “Here”, she adds, passing me the ultrasound photo. I look at it, look at Sophia’s belly and then up to her eyes.

“I know”, she says. “It’s fucking surreal. I’ve got a baby inside me.”

Now the shock has dissipated completely and the only thing left for me to do is laugh. “Don’t laugh”, Sophia says, laughing too and pushing me on the shoulder. “It’s not funny.”

“No”, I say, wiping tears away from my eyes. “It’s not funny at all.”

Sophia takes the ultrasound back and places it on her lap for us both to look at. “He would have been a lot more attractive if I were the father”, I say, trying to make light of it.

“We don’t know whether it’s a he or a she yet”, Sophia points out.

“Sure we do”, I say, my finger on the picture where it looks like his dick is. “What’s that if it’s not his penis.”

“Umbilical cord”, Sophia says, but I’m not convinced. We stare at the picture for a little while longer before she folds it up and puts it back in her bag. “I don’t know whether I should keep it”, she says, her tone sombre. “Looking at the picture doesn’t help.”

Still trying to come to terms with the news itself, I hadn’t even considered the possibility of getting rid of it.

“Is that what you want to do?” I ask.

Whatever she chooses, I’m right there to support her. It not being my baby makes it a slightly easier decision for me, but even so, I’m not sure I could handle the guilt, especially if somewhere down the line either one of us regrets it. The thing is, this isn’t my decision to make. I’m here to support Sophia with whatever she chooses, and Jack too, come to think of it. The guy is an absolute asshole, but this is his kid we’re talking about.

“I don’t know what I want to do”, Sophia says. “I didn’t expect to be making this decision at this point in my life.”

“I know, right, we haven’t even been on our honeymoon yet.”

“Ryan”, Sophia remonstrates. “I’m serious.”

“I’m sorry”, I say, and hold my hands up. “Whatever you want to do, I want you to know that I’m here to support you. If you want to keep it or if you want to get rid of it, I’m on your side and I’m definitely not planning to leave you.”

“You might change your mind in about seven months time”, Sophia says.

“No way”, I say confidently, even though I know exactly how hard a challenge this is going to be. “I love kids. I mean, I’ve always wanted them, just not right now.”

“That’s the problem, Ryan”, Sophia says, “They fuck up people’s lives.”

I take her hand in mine again. “It doesn’t have to be that way”, I say. “Plus, we’re going to have a huge amount of money to look after the thing. We can take turns to look after him or her while the other person is working.”

“We’re young”, Sophia says. “What about going out and having a good time?”

“Babysitters”, I say, with a huge cheesy grin on my face.

“What if I get ugly?” Sophia says, her arms folded across her chest. “What if you decide you don’t like me anymore?”

“Are you serious?” I say. “How is that going to even be possible. I’m falling in—”, and the words are almost out before I realize what it is I’m saying.

Sophia’s eyes flash quickly to me, and I all but melt just by looking at them.

“I know it sounds ridiculous, and we haven’t been together all that long, but I’ve felt it for a while, and over the last few weeks it’s just got stronger and stronger.”

“Even with this?” Sophia says, as she points to her belly.

“Even with that”, I say. “It’s a surprise and I’m still in shock and I’m not going to lie to you, the last thing I want right now is a baby, but if you want to have it, I’m there to support you every step of the way and I will love it and look after it as though it were our own. Do you know why I know this isn’t a big deal?”

“Why?” Sophia simpers, her voice enough to make my heart throb with desire.

“Because I love you”, I say. “There you go, I said it. Because I love you, and I’m not going to let you down. Whatever challenges you face, I’m going to face them with you, whatever fears about the future, whatever problems, whatever issues I’m right there alongside you.”

I take Sophia’s hand in my own again. “This is only a big deal if we let it become one.”

“Is it true?” Sophia asks, her eyes thick and gooey.

“Is what true?”

“Do you really love me?”

“It’s true”, I say. “And that doesn’t just mean you turn me on and I like spending time with you, it means you are the single most important person in my life, I picture this marriage lasting for as long as we do, and it means that I want to form a family with you, even if that means right now, and even if that means with someone else’s baby.”

Sophia pulls me into her and kisses me deeply. “Thank you, Ryan”, she says, tears running down her cheeks again. “I thought you were going to freak out.”

“I almost did”, I confess. “For a while I didn’t know whether to stand up or sit down. I had so many questions running around my head I thought they might spill out if I didn’t hold them in. Do you want to know a secret?”

“What?”

“You being pregnant absolutely terrifies me.”

“Fuck, me too. It doesn’t even feel real”, Sophia says, pulling away from me to look at her belly again. “Can you imagine what Marshall’s going to say?”

I have to laugh at that. “He’ll say we’re stealing his story.”

Sophia shakes her head. “We’re just writing a better one”, she says.

“He’s not going to like that very much.”

“You mean he just won’t admit to it.”

Sophia leans back against the sofa and I put my hand on her belly again. “I told you, you’re not going to feel anything”, she says.

“I don’t know, it kind of feels warm”, I say.

“I’m so tired”, Sophia confesses. “This morning has totally taken it out of me.”

“At least we know why you’ve been puking now.”

Sophia folds herself into me. “You want to go and lie down?” she asks.

“Is that a good idea? You know—?.” I nod towards her belly.

“You’re not going to disturb it, Ryan”, she says with a smile, before her hand finds its way across my thigh and into my crotch. “I know you’re big, but you’re not that big.”

I feign hurt and let my mouth drop open theatrically, before Sophia seals it again with a kiss.

“You want to know a secret?” she whispers into my ear.

“Go on”, I say, pulling her against my body.

“I love you too”, she says, before she pulls away and let’s me see it sparkle in her eyes. “I really love you.”

“Really, really?” I ask, a warm feeling of absolute contentment lapping against my entire body.

Sophia smiles. “Really, really, really”, she says, and presses her lips against mine.

“You want to hear another secret?” she adds between a bunch of perfect little kisses.

“Mmmhmmm”, I say.

“I’m really fucking horny.”

I can’t help but laugh. “I can’t keep up with you”, I say. “Crying one minute, laughing the next, horny the one after.”

Sophia shrugs. “I’m pregnant”, she says. “I’m supposed to be emotional.”

“I can’t believe you're pregnant”, I say again, the disbelief refusing to fully go away.

“I can’t believe you love me”, she admits.

My eyes go to the bedroom door and then back to hers. “Shall we?”

Sophia nods. “Ryan?” she asks, before I pull her away from the sofa. “This won’t go away, you know?”

“I know that.”

“I don’t want to think about it now, but I’m going to have to make a decision sooner or later”, Sophia says, perhaps as much for her as it is for me, refusing to get up from the sofa until she’s determined the full gravity of what’s going on.

“You don’t have to think about it now”, I say. “Let it sink in for a while, take your time, there’s no rush.

Sophia nods.

“Thank you for telling me”, I add.

“I had to”, Sophia says. “It wouldn’t have been fair otherwise. I didn’t want there to be secrets between us. I don’t want there to be.”

“It’s not healthy”, I say. “And there won’t be, I promise.”

“I don’t want to be with anyone else, Ryan”, Sophia confesses. “I want to be with you.”

“I’m going to be there for you”, I say. “Whatever you want to do, I’m going to be there for you.”

Sophia stretches her hand out and I take it and pull her off the couch.

“I missed you, you know?” I say, as we cover the short distance towards the bedroom. “Alice is just not interested in doing lines.”

Sophia laughs. “I’ll help you after”, she says.

“After what?” I ask, as we fall onto the bed together.

“After you show me exactly how much you’ve missed me”, Sophia says, her hands quick to my T-shirt in preparation to tear it off me.

I laugh again and pull her into me. “Alright”, I say, kicking the door closed with a deft jerk of my leg. “Are you sure you’re going to be able to handle it?”

Sophia shrugs, her cheeks reddening a little. “I guess we’ll see”, she says as we fold into each other ripping off our clothes as we go.

When Sophia left this morning to go to the doctor’s, the last thing I could have expected was her to come back home and tell me she was pregnant with someone else’s baby. I try to imagine what It’ll be like if she has it, and how much it’ll impact our lives. I am under no illusions that looking after a kid is extremely difficult, and it’s not something I ever expected to be doing in my mid-twenties, but as long as I’m with Sophia I know that nothing can go wrong. We’re naturally going to have ups and downs in our life and things coming at us out of nowhere we’re going to have to deal with as a team, but as scary as it is, this whole thing is a journey into the future I definitely want to be part of.

As I kiss along her naked thighs, and we press our bodies together in urgent desire, I can’t think of anything else. I love this girl and will do absolutely everything in my power to make her happy. This world can throw nothing at us we can’t overcome. Not a visa situation, an inheritance claim, our national and cultural differences and definitely not someone else’s baby.

“I love you”, Sophia whispers in my ear as I roll my hips forward and fuck her deeply.

“I love you too”, I say, my words bringing heat to her skin.

Three weeks ago this was all just a dream, and right now it’s about as real as anything can get.

“That is—. Oh my God, Ryan, that is—. Absolutely fucking incredible”, Sophia moans, and I couldn’t agree more.

Even without the inheritance, even with this twelve week old baby, even without a job lined up and all of my belongings in boxes, I’m the luckiest man in the world, and every day with this girl just gets better and better.

I’m laughing out loud and I haven’t even realized it.

“What?” Sophia asks, right on the edge of it.

“Nothing”, I say and kiss her. “Or everything. I love you and I’m really, really happy.”

Sophia pulls my down into her so we’re as close as we can possibly get. “Me too”, she says. “Despite everything else that’s going on right now, I’m really really happy too. Now fuck me harder, and make me come.”

I can’t help but smile at that. “Pas de probleme, Madame Speed”, I say in a terrible French accent, put my hands on her hips and pull her into me.

“Moreaux”, Sophia says, insistently. “I haven’t decided—”, she adds, before the rest of the sentence tails off into a rapid burst of gasps and moans.

“La fin?” I ask, when the orgasmic has burst through her and she’s finally begun to settle down again. The end?

Sophia giggles and shakes her head. “Non, seulement le debut”, she says - no, it’s only the start - and pulls me into her, eager for another round.