Chapter Seven

Sophia

“Where the fuck is Ryan?” Marshall screams, his hands either pressed against his forehead or balled into fists and held against his hips. “We can’t afford any more hold ups.”

The last day before opening night tomorrow, our final dress rehearsal, and Ryan is nowhere to be seen.

Marshall strides up to me, his face twisted by anxiety. “And you’ve put on weight, Sophia”, he says aggressively. “This whole thing is going to shit.”

I give him a wide eyed stare, but leave it at that. This is exactly what he was like in the last production we did together, and I’ve had far worse from other directors. It’s the nerves speaking now, so I know it’s better to let him burn out rather than stoke the fire.

“Has anyone seen him?” Marshall goes on. “Does anyone know where he is?”

There are head shakes from everyone in the room.

“I know the part”, Brad says. “Fuck, Ryan, I’ll do it.”

“Fuck!” Marshall screams, and then ignoring his understudy, “I’m going for a cigarette.”

Fifteen minutes later, and an hour after he should have been here, Ryan finally turns up, just before Marshall loses his shit for real.

“Where the fuck have you been?” I’m the first to ask him. “Marshall’s—”, I don’t even get to finish that part before Marshall cuts in.

“Ryan, where the fuck have you been?” Marshall repeats, moving across the stage to his leading man as soon as he clocks him. “We are opening tomorrow night, and we still haven’t nailed half of these scenes.”

“Relax, Marshall”, Ryan says. “I’m here now.”

“Relax?” Marshall says. “Are you fucking kidding me? Relax, he says. Fucking relax. You’re lucky I don’t put Brad up there in your place. Go and get fucking dressed, both of you. Picnic scene, first date.”

Ryan looks like he hasn’t slept. “Are you okay?” I whisper, as we make our way to the dressing room.

“I think I’ve bust my neck. Is he always like this before opening night?” Ryan says.

“New apartment not working out?” I ask.

Ryan gives me a look like he wants to ask me something and then seems to change his mind. “Picnic scene”, he says instead. “Didn’t we finish this on Monday?”

“Marshall wants to go through all of the early stuff this morning and then do a whole run through tonight, he’s panicking.”

“I’m sorry I’m late”, Ryan says, pulling his shirt off to get the appropriate costume on. I can’t help looking at his abs and toned muscles but I feel like I do a good job of hiding it at least.

“I don’t mind”, I say. “I feel like we’re ready.”

“I feel like we were ready at the end of last week”, Ryan says, pulling off his pants. “We’re doing so much rehearsing I feel like I’m caught in a time loop.”

I catch myself lost for words for a moment. “Right”, I say, just to fill the awkwardness. “It’s Marshall’s way, I guess.”

“Well, Marshall’s way is killing me”, Ryan says, and then: “do you not need to get dressed?”

“At least it’s only a two week run”, I say, kicking off my clothes, while Ryan sits across from me with his head in his hands too tired to even look at me. “You know he called me fat this morning?”

Ryan looks up and gives me a look of surprise. “Are you serious?”

“He said this whole play is going to shit and I’m putting on weight.”

Ryan laughs. “He’s obviously losing his mind.”

I have a feeling that Ryan might be too because he’s definitely not been himself this week. I suppose it could be nerves, but I feel like asking anyway. “Are you alright?” I say.

Ryan gives me a smile. I feel like the whole world could be crumbling around me and Ryan could give me that very same smile, and I’d feel like it were raining flowers, that’s how powerful it is.

“Alex was right”, Ryan says. “Troy is a masterful asshole.”

“The couch is yours, whenever you want it”, I say. “Jessica’s finally sorted out a place of her own.”

“Thanks”, Ryan says. “I appreciate that. It would certainly make getting into work on time a hell of a lot easier.”

“It would make sleeping easier too”, I say, briefly entertaining the idea of promoting Ryan from time to time from the sofa into the bed.

“Sophia?” Ryan begins, after looking at me for a long time again, with what feels like a question burning hot behind those gorgeous blue eyes of his.

“Shoot”, I say.

“We better go before Marshall blows his shit again”, he says.

When we get back out on stage, Marshall’s got his arms wrapped in knots across his chest and is tapping his foot impatiently. “Finally”, he shouts at us, before hurrying us both into position, steam practically billowing out of his ears.

“Any wonder why it didn’t last?” Ryan whispers to me once we’re sat down, and I have to pretend I’m coughing to hide my laughter.

“Remember”, Marshall begins. “This is the first date but it’s clear you are both already in love with each other, even though neither one of you have said it yet. We need that to come across.”

Ryan, or William now because Marshall has finally decided on the character names, has asked me out on a date after lusting after me for several months. What he doesn’t know is that I’ve got a secret crush on him too, but I don’t want to show it too early because I’m terrified of getting my heart broken again just in case William isn’t serious. William took months to gain the courage to ask me out, apparently because he thought I was with another man, but knowing Marshall has written this on previous experience, it’s likely to be because he didn’t have the balls. I can’t imagine Ryan is the same, because he seems to exude confidence as easily as he breathes.

I try to imagine what this might be like for us both for real, in central park away from the theatre, if we had a lifetime in front of us and not just a couple of months. If my legal status in this country were much more long term, and my parents weren’t guilt tripping me into coming back home, and I had time to find some kind of work sponsorship deal, I might be tempted to ask him if he wanted to, his reputation as a ladies man or not. I’ve noticed over the last few weeks of intense rehearsals, and the two months or so that we’ve been involved in this whole production, a certain magnetic attraction I can no longer ignore. And it’s not just this play either, I actually feel less attracted to him when he’s in role than I do when he’s out of it, which means that it’s Ryan not who he pretends to be in here that i’m interested in. I miss him when he’s not around, and look forward to the breaks between scenes when we get to chat, more than anything else in the world right now. I’m not sure I’m going to be able to cope when this is over, and Ryan and I end up going our separate ways, which is far too dangerous thinking for a girl that has to go home to the other side of the world in a couple of months.

The worst thing is, I’m beginning to wonder whether this is even more serious than a crush. That light headedness when he’s around, the way just having him next to me makes my skin tingle with pleasure, those late night and early morning thoughts, the way my breath catches in my throat when I see him get undressed, what I would do to him given half the chance.

“I want to see what you’re thinking in your eyes and your gestures, I want that to be clear”, Marshall says. “You want to fuck him.”

“O—kay”, I say, a little surprised at Marshall’s spontaneous addition.

“Say it”, Marshall says.

“I thought you said—?” I begin.

“Look at him and say it”, Marshall cuts in.

I turn to Ryan, who is smiling at me out of character. “I want to fuck you”, I say.

“Say it like you mean it”, Marshall says, on his knees now and so close I can smell what he’s had for breakfast. “And Ryan, you say it back to her.”

I clear my throat, readjust myself on the rug and look at Ryan. “I want to fuck you”, I say. “I really want to fuck you.”

Out of the corner of my eye I can see Marshall smiling, as though he’s just witnessed the magic he’s created by his own hand.

Ryan moves closer to me, he puts his hand behind my head to caress the nape of my neck and then presses his lips close to my ear. “I want to fuck you so bad”, he whispers to me, the heat of his breath making my skin go fuzzy. “So bad.”

When he pulls away I can’t help but laugh nervously. Marshall claps slowly. “Thank fuck you got here on time, Ryan, that’s all I can say”, he says. “That actually made me tingle.”

I can hear Brad groan from the back row, but Marshall’s not the only one pleased that the understudy of this play hasn’t just been promoted. I break to get a glass of water and to cool my racing heartbeat.

“Too much?” Ryan says when I’m back sat down again.

“No”, I say, shaking my head. “It helps to get into character.”

I’m not a big fan of method acting, and some of Marshall’s technique’s drive me absolutely crazy, but I’m not going to complain about Ryan whispering his desires into my ear.

“Now say it again, but this time just with your eyes and your hands”, Marshall says.

I shift a little closer to Ryan on the rug, careful to still keep a distance relevant to our situation. We may both want to fuck each other but this is still a first date after all, and we can’t be too familiar.

Ryan looks at me and smiles.

“What?” I say, my eyes going to his briefly and then away again nervously.

“Nothing”, Ryan says, and then after a while, “I’m just really happy we’re doing this finally.”

“I thought you’d never ask”, I say.

“I didn’t know if I should.”

“Well I’m glad you did”, I say, laughing nervously. “Who knows what could have happened if you didn’t?”

“Yeah”, Ryan says, a huge smile across his face. “I guess there is that.”

“The view from here is beautiful”, I say, “I’ve never been up here before.”

“It’s my favorite place in the world”, Ryan says, “And you fit right into it.”

I beam at him and reach for an apple, taking my time to peel off the sticker. “I bet you say that to all the girls you bring up here”, I say.

Ryan looks at me sincerely. “You’re the first girl I’ve ever brought up here”, he says. “The only one I ever wanted to.”

I crunch into the apple, the words I want to fuck you going round and round my head. “That’s sweet”, I say.

“It’s true”, Ryan says. “I just never knew how to ask you before.”

“Well I think you did alright”, I say. “Even if you were scared, you didn’t seem it.”

“I wasn’t scared”, Ryan lies. “I just wasn’t sure if you were interested in me.”

“Now you’re going to make me blush”, I say, fanning myself.

“You’re alright”, Ryan says, before hesitating slightly. “Wait until we—fuck, sorry, line. What the fuck is the line?”

I can’t help but laugh.

“I won’t tell anyone”, Marshall says angrily. “Tomorrow fucking night, Ryan, you shouldn’t be forgetting this now.”

“I’m sorry, Marshall”, Ryan says. “I won’t tell anyone, I’ve got it.”

“You want to tell her you want to fuck her again, or shall we get Brad on?” Marshall says.

“No, I’ve got this, I’m just—, nothing. Ready?” Ryan asks me.

I nod. “Are you okay?” I ask him.

“From ‘blush’”, Marshall says.

I want to go back to bed Ryan mouths at me.

“Go”, Marshall says.

I clear my throat. “Now you’re going to make me blush”, I say, fanning myself.

“You’re alright”, Ryan says, “I won’t tell anyone.”

“That’s very chivalrous of you”, I say.

Ryan shrugs. “What can I say? I’m just a perfect gentleman.”

I narrow my eyes at him, “perfection is hard to beat”, I say.

“That’s not something you’re going to need to worry about”, Ryan says.

I raise my eyebrows and let my mouth drop open briefly. “Are you always this confident?” I say, “or is it something that has just occurred to you?”

“I’m hoping that you’ll be able to tell me that in the future”, Ryan says.

“What makes you think we are going to have a future?”

“I like the way it sounds”, he says.

“You like the way it sounds?” I ask.

“Sure.”

“How does it sound?”

“It sounds like all the things you thought it would sound like when you dreamed about it happening.”

Ryan smiles. “Now I know you’re joking me”, I say.

“One thing you’ll learn about me”, he says, leaning back on his elbows to look towards the audience, “is that when I know I want something, I don’t stop until I’ve got it.”

I lean back on my elbows too to do the same. “So how do you know I want the same?” I ask.

“That’s easy”, Ryan says, his voice barely a whisper. “You just told me.”

The lights fade out above us briefly while Marshall claps again slowly. “You are going to learn about me, Ryan”, he says, “otherwise very compelling. Sophia, brilliant as always. It actually feels like you want to fuck him.”

“Thank you, Marshall”, I say, trying not to go red.

“If you do want to fuck him, or if you two are already fucking I will need to know about it, of course. I can’t have anything messing up this show.”

Ryan looks at me and we both giggle. “We’re not fucking”, he says, almost apologetically.

“Well I don’t mind if you do”, Marshall goes on. “It wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest considering what you’re doing here, but if you are, you are obliged to let me know.”

I give Marshall a wide eyed stare, hoping that it’ll be enough to get him to stop.

“You’ll be the first to know”, Ryan says.

“Good. Don’t fuck the lines again, Ryan, that’s your last warning”, Marshall says. “Right, lights, back to number ones, let’s go through this again.”

Ryan helps me back up into a seating position and turns me towards him. “Sophia”, he says, sincerely. “I really want to fuck you.”