Prairie

 

We are finally in the car and driving back from Edison. Two days spent with my five year old twin cousins and I’m craving silence. My aunt and uncle have a small house in the suburbs, she stays home with the kids and he works in construction. They’ve asked my mom and I to come and live with them about a thousand times but my mom wanted me to finish school in Redemption and she appeases them by saying she might consider it once I’ve gone off to college. I hope she does. Then I won’t feel so bad about leaving. We still have another thirty minutes ahead of us in the one hour drive back home so I reach into my bag and pull out the letter that Logan gave me. I desperately wanted to read it yesterday but there was no time and I was so tired by the time my head hit the pillow. Kids are exhausting.

My mom is busy humming along with the radio so I unfold the piece of lined paper that he ripped from his notebook and begin to read.

Prairie,

I never thought that I would meet someone like you. After my grandma died, I knew I’d have to come live with my mom and Brad and I was so pissed off about it. But then I saw you that day in the office and in the library and I started to think that it might not be so bad. I don’t know why you love me or why you want me, and I won’t ever ask, because I don’t want to jinx it.

You asked me once why I never fight back when Brad gets on my case, or when he takes his shit out on me (sorry for cussing)…and I didn’t tell you. Because I was embarrassed. But I want you to know the truth because that’s what it means when you love someone, I think. You show them all the parts of yourself that you don’t think are very nice and they love you anyways. The good and the bad. That’s what I think anyways, so I’m gonna tell you why I don’t fight back.

It’s because I’m scared. I’m scared that if I fight back I won’t be able to stop and then I’ll make a mess of everything. Sometimes I feel really angry and I don’t know what to do with it. That day in the cafeteria when that jerk came and sat with us, I wanted to kill him for how he spoke to you. But you put your hand on mine and it was like everything was quiet again. You made me want to be good. I don’t expect you to always take that upon yourself, and it’s not your job. But being with you makes me want to be better. I was so ashamed of myself for losing my temper at the dance. I should have controlled myself but you never made me feel bad. Thanks for that. Thanks for never making me feel like I’m not good enough for you. You deserve the world Prairie, and I’m gonna work so hard to make sure I can give it to you.

I hope this doesn’t scare you. I’d never hurt you, I hope you know that. You’re the best thing in my life.

I love you more than anything and I hope you still love me after you read this. I hope you still love me even though some parts of me aren’t nice. I’d do anything for you Prairie, all you have to do is ask. I miss you.

Logan.

I wipe away my tears before they can fall. I wish the car would move faster. I need to tell Logan that I love him. All of him. So that he always knows and never has to wonder.

 

*

 

Once we pull into the driveway, my mom shoos me off to go see Logan while she brings our overnight bags into the house. My heart jumps when I see his truck parked out front. I’m a bit nervous and hoping he’ll answer the door. I’ve never talked to his mom and the last time I saw his stepdad at the diner he gave me the major creeps. I knock on the door, practically bouncing on my feet and wait for him to answer. But when the door opens, it isn’t him.

“What do you want?” she asks, taking a drag of her cigarette.

“Um, is Logan home?”

“Hmph. No he ain’t,” she says. “And he won’t be for a long damn time.”

“Where is he?”

“Call the Sheriff and ask ‘em,” she says, slamming the door in my face.

Logan.

I run back home and tell my mom everything, she tells me to calm down until we know what’s happening. She calls down to the Sheriff’s office and talks to the receptionist. I know she probably isn’t supposed to tell her anything but I also know that they went to high school together and I hope that will count for something. I can see my mom nodding along and speaking quietly into the phone. When she hangs up she walks over to the couch and sits down beside me.

“What is it?” I ask. “What’s happening Mama?”

She takes my hands in hers and tells me everything she knows.

Domestic assault.

State will press charges.

Could get up to five years.

Critical condition.

All the words blur together and every thread of hope that I had for a future with Logan begins to unravel. But the thing that hurts my heart the most, is that I know he’s sitting in some cell right now, alone and blaming himself. Not knowing that my love for him has no limits. That he has someone here who will fight for him. I can’t crumble now. I can’t let go.

 

*

 

It’s been two weeks and I still haven’t seen Logan. Apparently when you can’t afford bail, they keep you locked up. My mom tried to make a deal with the Sheriff, said she’d watch Logan and he could stay with us, but he wouldn’t budge. I overheard my mom on the phone talking to my aunt, apparently there’s a county council election coming up and the guy who represents Miracle County is up for re-election and sticking his nose into Logan’s case. He’s using it as a stepping stone for votes, my mom said. I probably wasn’t supposed to hear that.

I miss him every day. Sometimes so bad that I re-read his letter over and over again until I’m crying so hard that I can’t see. Winter break is over and even though the last thing I want to do is go to class, I do it anyways and I try my best to pay attention and keep my grades up. Soon this whole thing with Logan will blow over and we’ll be starting our life together. I need to stay on track.

I hear the whispers when I walk down the halls. How could she go out with that psycho? What was her mama thinking?

I ignore them. They don’t know anything and it doesn’t matter what they think. I know Logan, and we’ll make it through this.

 

*

 

I graduate high school next month and I then I’ll be riding a full academic scholarship to an out of state University, thousands of miles away. Just like I wanted. Everything is on track and as soon as Logan gets out, we’ll be together and everything will be fine.

My mom and I are sitting in the back of the courtroom today. I catch a glimpse of Logan and when he looks right at me, I try my best to smile. Just for him. He doesn’t smile back. We still haven’t spoken, it’s been three months since he got arrested. I’ve tried to see him but he refuses. I know it’s because he feels bad, but that doesn’t mean I’ll stop trying. I know he still loves me. I’ve been following his court dates as closely as I can, begging my mom for any information she can get for me. She feels just as bad seeing Logan stand in front of a jury full of strangers who don’t know him.

Today Brenda Mackenzie is on the stand. Her hair is straight and shiny and she’s dressed proper. She looks like she’s going to church. My mom curses under her breath when Brenda starts to cry, talking about how Logan has always been violent and how her husband has a long road of recovery ahead of him. I want to stand up and call her a liar. Why isn’t anyone calling her a liar? This isn’t right.

 

*

 

Logan got sentenced today. Five years for domestic assault. I tried not to cry in the courtroom. I didn’t want him to see me like that. He looked over at me before they took him away and his face was so pale. I mouthed the words, I’ll write to you, I love you. But he didn’t have time to mouth anything back before they took him away.

I should be in bed, but I can’t sleep. Graduation is tomorrow but it doesn’t seem to matter. Not anymore. I tiptoe down the hallway and hear my mom on the phone again, probably talking to my aunt. She’s decided to go and live in Edison with them once I leave. She said she can’t stay here anymore.

“It’s complete bullshit Lynn,” she says. “That damn Brenda Mackenzie, I swear I could strangle that woman for ruining her son’s life like that. And for what? Folks with half a brain know damn well that councilman paid her off to testify like that. All so he could use the conviction as a bragging right.”

She pauses.

“You know how this shit works down here in these small counties,” she says. “He wanted the re-elect and what better way to sway voters than by making sure a violent, dangerous boy gets punished.”

“She’s crushed, she loves that boy,” she continues. “I gave my statement, said he was a good boy, so did Gary and the guys down at the shop. Didn’t make a lick of difference. All he is to those hotshots is a boy from a trailer park who’s got nothing.”

I reach up and touch the bird around my neck, quietly walking back to my bedroom. I close the door and lie down on the bed. Nothing is gonna make this better. Logan is alone, when he should be here with me. I wish I could tell him just one more time that I love him and that I’ll wait…however long it takes.

I want to tell him that he still has me.

Always.