Prairie

 

I lie awake, unsure of what today will bring. I think of how nice it would be to bury myself beneath the covers with Logan’s strong arms wrapped around me, letting the hours pass by unnoticed. For a fleeting moment, I let myself enjoy the possibility before reality settles in and the image of Brooke laying in a hospital bed fills me with shame for even thinking such a selfish thing. Tears prick my eyes when I remember how excited she was for the callback to her last audition.

I was a mess last night, unable to cope and in need of a distraction. I haven’t felt this helpless in a long time, not since I left college. The only distraction I had all those years ago was the struggle of starting over again in a big city while I tried to piece myself back together again. This time I had Logan. His mouth, his hands, his heart beating next to mine. I was able to let go for a fraction of time and although I’m perfectly aware of the selfish nature of my actions, I can’t regret them. Call it self preservation, call it whatever you want, but I needed to let go. And Logan was here to catch me.

Letting go of a sigh, I toss the covers aside just as I hear a mumbled curse coming from the kitchen and the clanging of pots and pans. I reach for Logan’s discarded T-shirt on the floor and slip it over my head before I pull on some clean underwear and head to the bathroom. I close the door quietly behind me and evaluate my reflection in the mirror above the sink. My hair is in it’s naturally curly form, wild and tousled. My eyes are red rimmed and still a bit puffy, the cold water I splash on my face, an instant relief. I brush my teeth and leave my hair the way it is, knowing I won’t be able to get a comb through it until I condition it. I follow the scent of grilled cheese and coffee, a smile playing on my lips.

When I enter the kitchen, I’m greeted with a shirtless Logan standing at the stove. His muscular back covered in swirls of ink, his skin pulling taut with every movement. His jeans are hanging low on his hips, and I can tell from here that his hair is mussed in the most familiar way possible.

“Good morning,” he says, glancing over his shoulder.

“Morning. Are you making me breakfast?” I head for the coffee first and fill one of the two mugs sitting on the counter beside it.

“Are grilled cheese sandwiches considered a breakfast food?” he asks.

“Yes.”

“Then yes, I’m making you breakfast,” he grins, leaning over and placing a firm kiss on my temple.

I take a seat at the counter and watch as he flips one sandwich and then the other, the sizzle of buttered bread hissing against the pan. My stomach grumbles and I realize that I can’t even remember the last thing I had to eat. I continue to watch as Logan reaches for two plates and pours his own coffee before he sits down beside me.

“Thank you.”

“It’s nothing,” he shrugs.

“Some things never change,” I sigh.

“What do you mean?”

“You still don’t know how to take a compliment or gratitude of any kind,” I tease.

“Guess I never thought much about it,” he considers. “I’ve always liked doing things for you.”

I sip my coffee through a smile and ask, “So, what have you got planned today?”

“I’m working tonight,” he says. “And I have a few things to handle before then.”

“What exactly do you do at Delve?” I ask, before I take my first bite.

“Security mostly.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“I’ve heard of Zavier Kane,” I admit. “Is that all you do for him?”

He chews the last of his crust and swallows, hesitating before he replies with a sigh, “It doesn’t really matter what you’ve heard,” he begins. “The less you know, the better. Trust me.”

“You know I do.”

“Then listen to me when I ask you to stay away from Delve.”

“I already told you that I would, but I don’t understand how it’s okay for you to work there.”

“Look, it’s complicated. But I promise I’m figuring it out, working for Zavier is temporary.”

I know Logan well enough to know that this is as far as I’ll get. For now. I know he wants to keep me safe but I wish he’d realize that I’ve always wanted to do the same for him.

If only he’d let me.

 

*

 

Logan had to leave right after we finished having breakfast, but not before giving me a toe curling kiss that left me anticipating the next time we’d be able to see each other. After a hot shower and another cup of coffee, I dressed and caught a cab down to the hospital.

I’d texted Sharon on the way and she told me that Brooke’s been in and out of sleep since about four a.m. Her doctor is confident that she will pull through and that with plenty of rest, she’s expected to make a full recovery. I’m still wiping away my tears when I walk through the sliding glass doors and make my way to the bank of elevators that will take me up to the ICU.

When I reach the right floor, the doors slide open and I spot Sharon immediately, waiting for me near the nurse’s station.

“Prairie, honey,” she sobs as she pulls me into her arms. “She’s going to be okay.”

“Thank God,” I say.

“Come on sweetie,” she says, taking my hand. “She’s still groggy but she’s slowly waking up.”

The scent of antiseptic fills my nose as we walk down the stark white hallway to Brooke’s room. I feel a familiar knot in my stomach, the kind of knot that I seemed to have forgotten all about yesterday amidst the chaos. Usually every time I’m in a hospital or doctor’s office, I think of my dad. It’s a knee jerk reaction to remember what he looked like in his last few weeks. The tubes, the machines, the constant beeping. It’s like a cloud over my thoughts until I shake my mind clear and remind myself that unlike my dad, Brooke is going to walk out of this place.

When we reach her room I can see her dad, Allan, sitting beside her bed, holding her hand while her eyelids flutter as a young nurse checks her vitals. We wait until the nurse leaves and Sharon pulls me through the doorway.

“Brooke, honey, Prairie’s here,” she says. Allan looks up at me and smiles, standing from his chair and sliding it out for me.

“Have a seat Prairie,” he tells me. “She’ll be glad to hear your voice.”

I swallow the surge of emotion that I feel, looking down at Brooke’s pale skin and messy hair. She’d be so mad about that, I smile to myself, even though she still looks beautiful. I sit down and place my hand on top of hers. Sharon beams at me with encouragement.

“Hey girl, I think you’ve had enough beauty sleep,” I say. “I reckon it’s time you woke up.”

I say the last part in an exaggerated twang, knowing that if she can really hear me, she’d smile. She doesn’t respond but I keep my hand on hers just to remind myself that she’s going to be okay. After a few minutes, I manage to convince Sharon and Allan to take a break and head back to Brooke’s apartment to refuel. I continue to sit beside Brooke and maintain our one- sided conversation. She’s squeezed my hand a few times and her eyes did open for a second before drifting shut again. After a couple hours, her parents come back and I give up my post. Sharon sends me out to stretch my legs and get a coffee, promising to call me right back if anything changes. I decide to take the stairs down to the cafeteria and call my mom on the way. She answers after two rings and I don’t know why but the sound of her voice has my own voice breaking.

“Mama?”

“Prairie? What’s wrong?”

I tell her about the whole incident and about Brooke. She insists on driving to Fortune immediately but I assure her that I’m okay and Brooke will pull through.

“Really, Mama. I just needed to hear your voice, that’s all,” I insist.

“God, I worry so much about you honey, being in that city alone.”

“I’m not alone, I have Brooke and Jamal at the gym. And Holly,” I remind her.

“You know what I mean,” she sighs.

“I know. But I’m going to be okay, I promise.”

“Okay, I trust you to tell me the truth Prairie,” she warns.

“There is something I want to talk to you about though. It’s Logan, Mama. He’s back.”

“What do you mean he’s back?”

I tell her, minus the warehouse, about seeing Logan for the first time after all these years. I omit a few details but tell her mostly everything that’s happened since that night.

“Oh, that poor boy,” she sighs. “He never deserved what he got, and lord knows he was given the short stick when it comes to loving parents.”

“I didn’t tell him, about…college,” I say. “I know I should, but I also know that he’ll feel responsible.”

“And you don’t want to put that on him,” she adds.

“I just, I know we have a lot to work through, but a second chance like this? What are the odds? I want to enjoy it for now. Is that wrong?”

“Oh honey, it’s not wrong to want to live in the glow for a little while. But at some point, I think you should tell him. You still have bad days now and then, and if he’s as serious about you as you are about him, he’ll want to know how to help you through those days.”

“I know. I do. I think maybe I’ll go to a meeting next week and talk to Holly.”

“I think that’s a good idea. Talk it out with her and get some perspective on how you can broach the subject with him.”

“Thanks Mama,” I smile. “I miss you.”

“Miss you more.”

“Okay, I should get going, I’m supposed to be getting coffee and taking a break.”

“Okay honey. Tell Logan I said hi, and I expect the two of you to plan a trip up sometime soon.”

“I will. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

Armed with coffee, I make my way back to the ICU. I turn my focus back to Brooke and sit with her parents until the doctor makes his rounds. He tells us that her current symptoms are normal and that her body will wake up gradually, when it’s ready. All of her vitals are normal and all we can do now is be patient and wait.

I head home eventually, after Sharon promises to keep me updated but I plan on coming back tomorrow regardless. Brooke’s been my closest friend since I moved to Fortune and I know she’d do the same for me.

When I get home and unlock my door, I see the cold frying pan on the stove and find my mom’s words repeating themselves in my mind. Logan deserved so much more than what he was given. It hurt my heart to believe it back then just as much as it hurts my heart now. I wish he could see what I see. That despite the omissions that currently linger between us, I see him for who he is…a boy who made me feel so many firsts and now a man who makes me feel everything.

No matter what it takes, I’ll help him to see what I see. I’ll help him to see through my eyes…until he believes it.