Logan

 

I roll my shoulders as I head for my truck and groan at the ache that spreads over my entire body. I spent most of the day underneath an old Bronco helping Dusty. He designated me as his bitch and gave me all the shit jobs to do but I didn’t mind that much. Every bit of experience that the guys in Gary’s shop give me is one more step towards getting my mechanic’s ticket and getting a full-time job and maybe someday even running my own garage. I used to only ever think about myself when I’d think about the future, but now I think about Prairie too.

She left last night for Edison with her mom but we managed to spend most of the day together and we exchanged our letters. I thought it would be hard trying to write something for her but when I sat down and put my pencil on the paper, it was easy. I have the letter she wrote me in my back pocket and plan on reading it when I get home. I’m a pussy for missing her as much as I do, but I can’t help it. I love her.

I zip up the hoodie she gave me and climb in the truck. The engine grumbles to a start and I let it sit for a few minutes to warm up. Spending Christmas with Prairie and her mom was by far the best holiday I’ve ever had. My grandma used to microwave two Hungry Man dinners and we’d sit in the living room and watch T.V. When I was a kid she said that she was so used to being by herself, and she didn’t see the point in cooking a big meal just for the two of us.

Christmas at Prairie’s wasn’t fancy or over the top, but it was nice. I was scared as shit to give her that necklace. I bought it two weeks ago when I was picking up parts for Gary. I was waiting on a case of brake pads and wandered into the shitty little pawn shop sitting on the corner of the industrial lot. I didn’t plan on buying anything but when I saw that little bird necklace, I knew that I had to give it to Prairie. It was cheap and used, but it still sparkled in the light and I knew it would be okay to give it to her because she doesn’t care about that kind of stuff. Not like other girls. The lady behind the counter wrapped it in that fancy box for me, saying that presentation is everything and it would make it look more expensive.

I’m sure Brenda wouldn’t have even known it was Christmas if her boss at the bar across the tracks hadn’t told her and given her the day off. Her and Brad were passed out on the couch when I left for Prairie’s. Now that I’m eighteen, I’m itching to get the hell out of there but I can’t afford to live on my own, and despite the useless nature of my mom and stepdad, living with them is mostly free.

The lights are off when I pull into the driveway, they must be out somewhere. I step through the front door, avoiding the usual mess of beer cans and food wrappers and head for the bathroom first. I take a quick shower and jerk off, which I wasn’t planning on, but as soon as I closed my eyes under the water I saw Prairie leaning over top of me and remembered how it felt to have her hands on me. I know it embarrasses her that I’m more experienced than she is, but I don’t care about that shit. The girls I’ve been with in Drayton were nothing special to me and I probably wasn’t anything special to them either. We were just bored teenagers trying to find something to do.

I change into some clean clothes and lie back on my bed. I pull the neatly folded envelope from my pocket with my name written across the middle in girly handwriting. It still blows my mind that Prairie chooses me. She has no idea how guys look at her or how beautiful she is. She could have anyone she wants, and she still wants me.

Dear Logan,

I miss you. Ha-ha. Really, I do. I don’t even need to know when you’ll be reading this because it won’t matter. I’ll miss you five minutes after I leave, just as much as I’ll miss you ten hours from then. I hope you don’t miss me too much, maybe just a little bit though. Then I won’t feel so silly.

I’ve decided that I’m gonna use this letter to tell you the things that I haven’t told you yet. They’re all good things and I think it’s important that you know them. Because I love you. So here’s the first thing, that day when we first saw each other in the office? I thought you were so good looking ;) But it wasn’t just that, I felt like I couldn’t breathe when you looked at me, like you were seeing something in me that no one else had ever seen before. Later on when I ran into you in the library and I could smell the laundry soap on your shirt, I wanted to wrap my arms around you and just stand there smelling you. LOL, that sounds creepy. I’m sorry.

I could see something in your eyes that day that made me think that maybe you were a bit sad and I didn’t like it. The first time I heard you laugh, I decided that it was my most favourite sound in the entire world and I wanted to hear it again and again.

I know that not much of this makes sense, and I’ve probably just gone full creeper on you. But my mom always says it’s the little things that count and all of these little things mean something to me, so I hope they mean something to you.

Thank you for loving me and for letting me love you back. I know that no matter what happens in the future, we’ll find a way to be together. I feel it in my heart and all the way down to my bones. You’re the only one for me, Logan. And I know we’re young, but I know what I feel and I know it’s real. You and me. Always.

Prairie xoxox

I read her letter over and over again until I finally fall asleep.

 

*

 

The door crashes open and flies off its hinges. I open my eyes just as Brad pulls me from the bed by my ankle. I fall to the floor and he kicks me in the ribs.

“You no good piece of shit! You stole it, didn’t you?!”

He kicks me again and a shock of pain vibrates through my body. I try to scramble away, catching his boot in my hand, I shove him backwards and I’m finally able to stand.

“What the fuck are you talking about!?”

“You stole my money!” he shouts. “Probably used it to buy that little virgin girlfriend of yours somethin’ special!”

“I didn’t fucking steal from you and you’ll shut your mouth about her,” I warn.

I can hear my blood pumping through my veins, my fists are clenched so tight that it should hurt but I can’t feel anything. I’m numb.

“Fuckin’ liar,” he growls, charging towards me.

I try. I try so hard to let it go and to walk away but something in me snaps. Something that’s always been there that I’ve been really good at hiding. All I see is my anger and all I feel is every shitty thing in my life that makes me hate him. Brenda. Those spoiled assholes at school. Everything fades away except for my rage. Thinking about Prairie can’t even pull me back at this point.

When my fist hits his jaw, I stop pretending to be someone I’m not. When I pin him on the ground and hit his face until my fists are numb and covered in blood, I realize the truth.

I’m a defect. I’m no good. I’m just a product of my shitty environment and it’s time to stop pretending that I can be anyone else.

Two hours later I’m sitting in the back of a squad car, staring out at the sky as the stars begin to come out. I overhear a word or two.

Critical condition.

The mom demands we press charges.

He’s eighteen, we have to charge him as an adult.

I close my eyes and lean my head back against the seat.

I fucked everything up. Just like deep down, I always knew I would.