Logan

 

“Hey Logan!”

I look up from the hood I’ve got my head under and over at Gary. “Yeah?”

“Take a break,” he says, jerking his head towards the door of the shop. Prairie’s standing there smiling, holding a brown paper bag and a couple of takeout cups. I wipe my hands and make my way over to her, leaning down to kiss her while Jace and Dusty, two of the guys I work with, whistle in the background. I flip them off as we head to the break room.

When we both have to work after school, we usually take our supper break together. I wish we could go somewhere nicer but we only get thirty minutes and neither one of us wants to waste any time driving around.

She sets the bag down on the crowded table and takes out a couple of burgers while I pull up two chairs.

“No onions,” she says sliding one towards me.

“Thanks babe.”

She blushes every time I call her that and every time I tell her that I love her. I didn’t tell her at the time, but she’s the first person who’s ever told me that they loved me. My grandma was nice enough but she wasn’t really into kids when Brenda dumped me with her and she wasn’t very affectionate. Sometimes I’d catch her looking at me funny, like she felt bad for me or something. But she still never said it. And I never said it to her either. It’s fucked up but I didn’t know any different as a kid until I started going to school. I’d see other kids with their parents and wonder why I didn’t have that. I would ask my grandma all the time if she knew where my dad was, but she said she didn’t even know who he was. I remember one time when I was ten I think, Brenda came to stay with us for a few days. I overheard them talking in the kitchen one night. It’s one of the few childhood memories I have of my mom.

“You need to take him with you, this ain’t right, leaving him with me.”

“I can’t take him and you know it. I’m just like you, ya know. I ain’t meant to be a mom neither. Especially to a kid I never planned on havin’ in the first damn place.”

“Logan?”

“Sorry, yeah?”

“Are you okay?”

“I am now,” I reply honestly.

She nods down to the burger in front of me and I take a big bite, making her laugh. I know she’s been worried about me lately and I hate it. I’ve gotten into it a couple times with my stepdad and I never meant for her to find out, but she did anyways. He hates me just as much as I hate him and Brenda doesn’t do a damn thing about it, not that I would expect her to. Prairie asked me the other day why I don’t fight back, but I couldn’t tell her the truth. She’d be scared of me if I did. I know you shouldn’t lie to someone you love and maybe someday I’ll tell her but for right now, I like the way she looks at me and I don’t want that to change. Her mom wanted me to tell the Sheriff when she saw my black eye but I didn’t see the point. I’ll be eighteen soon and done with school. Done with the trailer park. Done with Redemption.

“So, Emily said her mom is going to lend her the truck this weekend so we can go into Edison and do some shopping,” she says, sipping her iced tea.

“Just you two?”

“Yes, thank God. I think it’ll be good, having some girl time,” she says. “Even though I’ll probably miss you the entire time.”

I push back my chair and grab her hand, pulling her onto my lap. She wraps her arms around me and leans down, resting her forehead against mine.

“I was thinking, maybe after Christmas break, we should talk about some stuff,” she says.

“What kind of stuff?”

“Us…and what we’re gonna do after graduation.”

“I want us to be together,” I say.

“So do I,” she says. “We can make something work, can’t we? Even if you go back to Drayton and I end up out of state?”

“Don’t worry about it babe, we’ll make it work,” I tell her. “I promise.”

“You and me?”

“Always,” I reply.

There’s no way I can see a future without Prairie in it. I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure we can be together.

 

*

 

Prairie’s already gone home with her mom by the time I’m done for the night. As I walk to my truck, I spot that asshole Josh and a couple of his buddies outside the service station. I know he doesn’t like me, and the feeling is mutual, but I don’t wanna cause problems for Prairie. So I keep my head down and keep moving.

“Hey, Mackenzie!”

Fuck. I ignore him and reach for the driver’s side door but he jogs over and slams the door shut just as I open it.

“What do you want?” I ask.

“Nothing,” he says. “Just figured I should take it upon myself to remind you that you’re trash, that’s all.” His two buddies laugh behind him and he smirks looking me up and down.

“Is that all?”

“Doesn’t it piss you off? That everyone knows the only reason Prairie goes out with you is cause she feels sorry for you?”

I know he’s full of shit and I’d never take his word over Prairie’s. I know what she and I have together means something.

“Why do you give a shit? You think she’d rather be with you?” I take a step forward and when he backs up, I smirk. I’m bigger than this shithead and I could take him if I needed to. “You’re a spoiled little bitch,” I say. “Getting everything from Mommy and Daddy. I bet you’ve never worked a damn day in your life,” I snort. “Prairie doesn’t need someone like you, cause she’s got me.”

When I glance behind him, his friends are already backing up, heading back to the parking lot where they came from.

“I think your friends are leaving,” I say, nodding behind him. “Maybe you should too.”

He stares me down for a minute before he realizes the truth, that I could pulverize him with one hit. He turns and heads towards his friends but not before he mutters something about me being a piece of shit nobody. I let him go. I don’t care what he thinks or what anyone thinks, really. I know I’m not good enough for Prairie, doesn’t mean I won’t keep trying to be.

When I get home and pull into the driveway, all the lights are on and I can see my mom and Brad at the kitchen table. I walk in and glance over just as he leans his head down to the table and snorts a line of blow. Usually they just stick to weed, but he must have gotten his disability check today and could afford something better. Disability. Five years ago a forklift ran over his foot. Now he’s just plain too lazy to work. I keep walking and head for the bathroom so I can take a shower. Brenda is out of it, leaning back in her chair with her eyes closed. I don’t know what she’s on but whatever it is, she’s not here that’s for sure.

“Ain’t you gonna say hello?” he says as I pass.

I keep my mouth shut and curl my hands into fists, trying to keep my breath calm. You’re better than this, I tell myself.

“Hey! I’m talkin’ to you, you fuckin’ prick,” he seethes, shoving his chair back. It hits the floor and I turn around as he strides towards me. Brenda still has her eyes closed.

I back up against the wall and shove him off of me as he grips the collar of my T-shirt. Don’t hit him, think of Prairie. He cocks his fist back and hits me in the ribs. I bend over, my breath wheezing out. He pulls me back up but before he can take another shot, I shove him hard and he hits the other wall. He tries to push off but stumbles down onto his ass. And then he starts laughing.

I want to hit him until he stops breathing.

Prairie.

Think of Prairie.

I step around him and head for the front door. I slam it shut behind me and keep walking. I don’t take the truck because I can hardly see past my rage. I can hear him shouting behind me as I head for the field.

“You ain’t better than nobody! You fucking faggot!”

I keep walking and I don’t stop until I can unclench my fists and breathe again.

 

*

 

I know I shouldn’t be here, but I can’t help myself. I need to see her. I need to feel her and be around something good.

I tap on the window lightly at first, but it’s really late and she’s probably dead asleep and can’t hear me. I tap a little harder, breathing into my hands to try and warm them up while I wait. A second later, she turns on her bedside lamp and slides the curtains open and then the window. I step up on the block and slide through but she must sense something’s wrong because instead of crawling back into bed, she stands with her arms wrapped around herself. Watching me.

“Is everything okay?” she asks quietly.

“Yeah,” I lie. “I just wanted to see you. Come on.”

I tug her hand gently and lead her back to the bed, letting her slide in first. I kick off my boots and lie down beside her, breathing in the smell of her hair when she buries herself against my chest.

“Sometimes I wish we could run away,” she says, eventually. “We could just leave and go somewhere beautiful.”

“You’d miss your mom,” I point out.

“Yeah. But we could send her a postcard and she could come visit.”

“Where would we go?”

“Hawaii?”

“I’d go to Hawaii with you,” I reply truthfully.

“I know you would.”

She leans back and smiles up at me before she presses her mouth to mine. She rests her head on my shoulder and lets go of a sigh, tracing her fingertips along my arm. I glance at her open closet door and notice a dress hanging from the top of the door. It’s long and light blue and it kind of shines in the light.

“What’s that for?” I ask with a nod.

“Oh,” she hesitates. “My mom got it for me from one of the ladies at the church. She thought I might wanna wear it to the dance, but I told her we weren’t going.”

“Do you wanna go?” I ask.

“No, it’s fine. I know it’s probably not your thing, and I don’t even know if it’s my thing anymore either, to be honest.”

I sit up slowly and pull her up with me, holding her hand in mine. She’s right, a school dance is definitely not my thing. But I don’t want her to miss out because of me.

“Prairie, will you go to the Winter Formal with me?”

“Oh stop, we don’t have to go,” she laughs.

“I wanna see you in that dress,” I tell her. “So, let’s go.”

“Are you sure?”

“I love you,” I say. “Yes, I’m sure.”

“Okay,” she smiles. “I love you too.”

I fall asleep shortly after she does, wishing for the first time in my life that time could freeze and I could stay right where I am.