37 - Samantha
I wake up with a pounding headache. It feels like I’m hungover, even though I haven’t had a single drink. I groan as I get out of bed. I get ready for work as if I’m on autopilot. I brush my teeth and wash my face, trying to ignore the sense of dread in my stomach.
I’m pregnant.
I still can’t get over that. I’m on the pill, I just keep thinking over and over. My thoughts drift from the baby to Dean to his family. I splash water on my face and lean against the bathroom counter, droplets of water falling into the sink.
I let all the air out of my lungs and take a deep breath to stop myself from crying. I don’t know if I can do this, but somehow I do. I get dressed and have coffee and make it to work on time. I talk to Margaret and the minutes tick by.
By the time the kids are coming in after school, I feel like a zombie. One of them latches onto my leg and a pain passes through my heart.
I don’t want to do this alone.
I ruffle the kid’s hair and try to blink back my tears. The little boy smiles at me and tugs at my hand.
“What’s wrong, Mrs Samantha? You look sad.”
“I’m not sad at all, Joey. I’m happy to see you today!”
“Is Clifford the clown here today? I want to learn how to make a balloon monkey!”
My heart squeezes and I force a smile. “He’ll be back soon, kiddo. You can learn how to make all kinds of animals. Now go see Mrs. Margaret, we’re going to start the game soon.”
He smiles at me again and runs towards my boss. My shoulders relax as I watch him run away. His friends come join him and pretty soon the room is full of children. Their laughter is like a healing balm on my heart, and soon the tension in my body starts to ease. I stretch my neck from side to side and take a deep breath.
If I have to do this alone, I will. Right now, the most important thing is making sure this baby is safe. I check my phone once again and frown when I see it blank. Usually Dean would have contacted me by now, especially since we had plans to meet after work.
I slip my phone back into my pocket and square my shoulders. I’ll listen to what he has to say, but I have to prepare myself for the possibility that it could be over between us. Even without the baby, something’s going on with his family. Until I know what it is, this baby has to stay a secret. Until I know that the three of us are safe and free, I have to carry this secret around with me.
I brush my hand over my stomach and feel an overwhelming sense of love come over me. It’s not a burden, this secret. It’s a gift. I look around the room at the children laughing and playing and I feel scared and calm at the same time.
If my heart is about to be broken and I have to say goodbye to Dean, at least I’ll have a part of him to carry around with me. I’ll have a child to love and take care of, and I’ll be able to be the best mother that I can possibly be.
It really is a gift.
My phone buzzes in my pocket and I rush to grab it. My heart sinks when it isn’t Dean’s name. I open the message from Jess.
You ok?
I smile. She’s always taken care of me, ever since we were kids.
Bit rough but ok. Starting to think I can do this.
You can. You’re strong.
I read the four words over and over and over until I start to believe them. I can do this. I’m strong. I can take care of this baby, and I can face whatever it is that Dean has to tell me. Whatever it is, it won’t destroy me. It can’t, because now I have to be strong. I have to make it work for this baby.
It doesn’t matter what Dean has to tell me, and as much as I want to ride off into the sunset with him, I don’t need him. I read Jess’s message again.
You can. You’re strong.
With a deep breath, I head back towards the group of children. I stand a bit taller and smile a bit wider. I can do this. I’m strong.