Chapter 22

“I did it,” she whispered. She looked over at Tom, who was sitting on the edge of the bed grinning at her like they’d just won the lottery.

“Yep,” he said. “You did.”

She rolled to her knees and faced him, exhausted but excited. “I did it,” she told him. She grabbed his shoulders and shook him. “I did it! It worked!” She scrambled off the bed and jumped up and down, driving her fists into the air over her head like Rocky. “I came! It was fantastic!”

“It was,” Tom said, laughing with her. He lay down, his arms crossed behind his head as he watched her celebrate. She jumped on the bed and straddled him. Then she cupped his face in her hands and kissed him exuberantly. He laughed against her lips and put his hands on her hips. To her horror, in the middle of the kiss she started crying. “Ah, baby,” Tom said. He gathered her in his arms and snuggled her in close, pressing her cheek to his shoulder. “It’s okay,” he whispered, kissing the top of her head.

“It’s just”—she hiccupped and sniffed inelegantly—“I didn’t think I could. And that thing with Danny, it was quick and I didn’t even get a chance to really feel it. And,” she said, her voice breaking, “after Richie, maybe I didn’t want to. But I want to now. I’m so glad it was you.”

“And Danny,” he reminded her. “I don’t want to forget that or pretend it didn’t happen. It did. And it made me think, made me realize what you needed.” He brushed his hand down her hair. “Sweetheart, it’s going to happen again. Don’t worry.”

“I’m not. Really. I know it will.” She curved against his side and buried her face in his neck, kissing him, tasting the salt on his skin. “I trust you.”

“Good,” he said, hugging her tight. “I’ll always take care of you, Carmina. Don’t forget that. Everything I do, I’m doing it for you.”

Danny hesitated at the kitchen door, surprised to see Tom in their kitchen. As soon as they’d gotten home yesterday, he’d rushed off to see Carmina, and he still hadn’t been back when Danny had gone to bed. He tried to ignore the jealousy he felt over Tom’s defection, which had made him toss and turn all night.

“Hey,” Tom said, turning from the coffeepot to face Danny. He took a sip and stared at Danny over the rim of his mug.

“Hey,” Danny said. He walked over to the cabinet and pulled down some cereal.

“You don’t eat enough protein,” Tom said. “Let me make you an omelet.” He put his coffee down and reached down to grab a skillet.

“No, thanks,” Danny said stiffly. “I don’t think I need any more favors from you.”

“Wow, you went right there,” Tom said appreciatively. “I thought you’d avoid the topic since that’s how you usually handle anything remotely uncomfortable.”

“What the hell does that mean?” Danny asked, slamming his empty bowl down on the counter as he spun around to confront Tom.

“It means you avoided Marian and dealing with all the ghosts of your past for almost ten years before you were forced to face them. And you still avoid talking about it. And you avoid talking about what happened that night last summer. You had group sex with a bunch of guys. A bunch of bisexual guys and one woman. A guy held you down and kissed you and you loved it. You came like a fucking wild man. And a guy did it again the other night and same result. You like being held down. You like a little bondage. Maybe. I don’t know. Do you? Have you explored that at all?”

“How did this become about me?” Danny demanded. “You practically forced me to get off on your kinky shit the other night. What do you have to say to me about that?”

“I did not force you. You admitted you wanted it. You were as into it as I was. And frottage is not kinky shit,” Tom said, rolling his eyes. “I jacked us off together. Trust me, there is way kinkier shit out there.”

“You’d know,” Danny shot back, feeling, yes, uncomfortable talking about this stuff. That didn’t make him the bad guy here.

“Not really,” Tom said. “I’ve never really been into all that stuff. Not that you can tell lately,” he said. “My novice dom services are in high demand.”

“Not by me,” Danny said firmly. “Look, you want me to talk? Fine. I’ll talk. Yeah, I liked it. But it was meant to be a one-time deal.” He shrugged. “I wasn’t expecting to repeat it. I don’t want to. Get it? I don’t want to be some freak in a bedroom circus.”

“Is that what you think of me? That I’m some freak?” Tom asked. Danny hardened his heart to the hurt in Tom’s voice.

“I don’t think you’re a freak, but I know for a fact you’ve done some freaky shit,” Danny said, hedging.

“Like what you and I did the other night?” Tom asked. “What made that freaky? I know you’ve jacked off and been jacked off before.”

“Not by a guy!”

“So it’s freaky because it was two guys,” Tom said. “Wow. I didn’t know you were homophobic.”

“I am not,” Danny snapped. “If a guy wants to do a guy, then I say let him. But I didn’t want to. I still get to say that, right? I still get to have a personal preference?”

“Yeah, sure,” Tom said, turning away. He pulled out the skillet. “But what you’re really saying is that it was freaky because it was me, and you think I’m a freak. Thanks.”

“I did not say that,” Danny said, stomping over to Tom’s side. “Don’t put words in my mouth.”

Tom brushed past him and pulled the eggs and some other items for the omelets out of the refrigerator. “Would you have considered it freaky if a woman had done that to you?” He pulled down a cutting board without looking at Danny and began to chop some vegetables. “What if Carmina had done it to you? What if she held you down?”

“That’s different, yeah,” Danny admitted. “But I’ve never done that kind of thing with a woman before, either, and I’m not going to start.”

Tom turned to face him, his hands on the counter beside him as he leaned against it. “Why not?” he asked. “If that’s what gets you off, if it makes you happy?” He shook his head. “I just don’t get what you’re so afraid of.”

“I’m not afraid,” Danny said, turning away and walking back over to the bowl and cereal he’d abandoned on the counter. “I just don’t want to need that. And I don’t. I can get off on normal sex with a woman. You’ve seen me.”

“Yeah,” Tom said. “What about that?” He began chopping again. “How is that not weird, but frottage is?”

“What is frottage?” Danny asked.

“When a guy jacks both of you off at the same time.” He cracked an egg into a bowl. “What I did with you.”

“Not with me,” Danny said. “To me. Big difference.”

“You can go ahead and lie to yourself,” Tom told him. “But not to me. You were into it. I wasn’t holding you down that hard, Danny. You could have gotten away. If you had said no and meant it, I would have stopped. Hell, you were begging for it.”

“You wish,” Danny scoffed. He sat down with his cereal. “I’ll admit it felt good. Shit, you know anybody jacking your dick feels good. That’s just being a guy.”

Tom stared at him incredulously over his shoulder. “Seriously? You need to reread the guy handbook.”

“Are you into me?” Danny asked. He held his breath. He sincerely hoped the answer was no. That kind of thing ruined friendships, and Danny had never had as close a friend as Tom.

“What do you mean by into you?” Tom asked. “You mean romantically into you? The answer is, I don’t know. I consider you my closest friend. I’ve lost a lot of friends over the last few months since I came out as bi. That hurt. I thought you were okay with who I am, that our friendship transcended that. But, Danny, sex is sex. Physically, yeah, I went there. I’m into you. Sue me.”

Danny was so confused he didn’t even know where to go with that. “So you’re not in love with me or anything, but you want to fuck me?”

“Pretty much. Yeah, I guess.” Tom flipped his omelet. “Don’t go bragging about it. I like to fuck. That’s not a big secret.”

“What about Carmina?” Danny couldn’t believe Carmina would be okay with Tom fucking around on her.

“Carmina is amazing, and last night we had the best sex of our young lives,” Tom told him. He shot him a grin over his shoulder as he slid the omelet onto a plate. “Here.” He turned and pushed the plate in front of Danny. “Eat it while it’s hot.” He turned back and began to make another one.

“And?” Danny asked, pushing his cereal out of the way and pulling the plate closer. “You and Carmina?”

“Are together. An item. Tarmina. Com. Not sure what our couple name will be. I’m not liking either of those.”

“De la Kelly,” Danny told him, smiling reluctantly.

“Are we still spending Christmas together?” Tom asked without turning around. “Carmina’s really looking forward to it.”

“Yeah,” Danny said with a sigh. “Yeah, we are.” He popped another forkful of omelet into his mouth.

“So we’re good?” Tom asked. He grabbed his plate with a fresh omelet on it and sat down opposite Danny.

“Yeah, we’re good,” Danny said. He wasn’t sure he could handle knowing that Tom saw him like that. He knew he wasn’t handling facing his own desires very well. He felt like a coward, but it was easier to deny it all and turn away than to accept what he wanted and what Tom was offering. “This is getting weird, though.”

“Life is weird. Roll with it,” Tom said with a shrug.

“It was weird, going from one to the other.” Carmina was talking to Sydney, her speech therapist. “You don’t mind me telling you this stuff, do you?” she asked belatedly.

“Nope,” Sydney said. “And anything you tell me during these sessions is confidential, unless you say otherwise. Look, the fact is, not only do you have a physical injury to your brain, but you’ve experienced severe emotional trauma. Both of those leave scars. Your mental state has as much to do with your recovery as your physical condition. So, when you need to talk we can talk. But if I think at any time that what you’re telling me requires the services of a therapist other than myself, I will tell you and refer you. That’s the rules. My rules. That being said, I’m dying to hear more. So tell me.”

“It’s just, I’ve been in the desert of sex for so long. And now Tom and Danny. It’s crazy.” She took a deep breath. “I mean, Tom and I are a thing now. But I’ve had, I don’t know, an interest? In Danny. For a long time. But also Tom, and Tom is the one who figured me out, and who stayed.”

“What did Tom figure out?” Sydney asked.

“What I needed,” Carmina said, looking down at her hands, uncomfortable talking about it, but needing to talk to someone. She didn’t want to talk to Sam because he’d assume she was upset or confused and then he’d be on a plane home, which was unacceptable. And she didn’t want to tell Melody Ann, because she didn’t really know her that well, and Melody Ann had to work with Tom and Danny, and Carmina didn’t want to affect that relationship.

“Do you want to tell me what you needed?” Sydney asked. “You don’t have to.”

“I needed him to take charge,” Carmina said in a rush. “He let me not think. It was so…great. It was great. I didn’t have to speak or think. Just let him take over and make all the decisions.”

“That sounds a little scary,” Sydney said. “Losing control like that. Weren’t you worried what he’d do?”

“No.” Carmina shook her head. “I trust him. And I didn’t lose control. I gave it up. There’s a difference. It was just so nice not to have to make decisions. Not think through every little thing I did or said.”

“Do you do that?” Sydney asked curiously.

“I do,” Carmina said sadly. “I hate it, but I can’t stop my thinking sometimes. I get stuck in here,” she pressed her finger to her head repeatedly. “And then I freeze.”

Sydney reached out and placed her hand over Carmina’s in sympathy. “That’s not unusual for someone in your position,” she said. “Being injured as you were, knocked out, vulnerable, that’s a big loss of control. So now you feel like you need to be in control at all times.”

“It’s exhausting,” Carmina admitted. “It gets in the way.”

“I bet it does,” Sydney said. “And Tom helped you to get it out of the way?” she asked.

Carmina nodded. “He did. He let me just feel. That was all I had to do, all he wanted me to do. Let him worry about things and decide what we did. I loved it. Everyone is always asking my opinion. Carmina, how do you feel? Is this okay? Is that okay? Carmina, talk to me. And they don’t get how hard it is. Not having anyone doing that? Priceless.” She leaned forward. “I came so hard,” she whispered.

“Oh, dear,” Sydney said, blushing a little. She laughed. “That’s good, right?”

“That’s great,” Carmina said with a huge smile. “Trust me.”

“What about Danny?” Sydney asked. Her look told Carmina she wasn’t going to let it drop.

“We talked. We’re good. But there could never be anything between us. He’s not interested in that. But we’re okay.” She bit the inside of her lip nervously. The truth was, she was nervous as hell about seeing him again on Christmas Eve. It was going to be very awkward. Especially because Carmina still couldn’t stop thinking about fucking him in the shower. That had been so hot. What she and Tom had done the night before was hot, too. The two experiences were just different.

“He and Tom are best friends,” Sydney said. “How is that going to play out if you and Tom are together a lot? Can the three of you handle that?”

“I hope so,” Carmina said. “Because we’re spending Christmas together.”