Chapter 30

Carmina couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t because she wasn’t tired. She was. Exhausted actually. Mind-blowing sex wore you out, apparently, because Tom and Danny had been as tired as she was when they fell into bed together. Danny had tried to go to his room alone. “You guys should sleep together,” he’d told them. “You’re the couple. I’m the third. I know how this works.”

“You don’t know shit,” Tom told him. And then he’d dragged Carmina behind him as they followed Danny into his room.

“You don’t have to do this,” Danny had protested again. “Really. I’m good. I don’t mind sleeping alone.” Carmina still had a lot to learn about Danny, but even she could tell that was a lie.

“Without you my Christmas won’t be perfect,” she’d said honestly, with a little pout. It worked like magic.

“Carmina in the middle,” Danny said, pulling the blankets back on his bed.

“Afraid you can’t resist me in your sleep?” Tom teased as he climbed in on the left side of the bed.

“Afraid you can’t resist me,” Danny fired back. “I’m not ready to wake up with your dick in my ass.”

“Keep talking like that and it will happen with you wide awake,” Tom warned, all laughter gone.

“Carmina,” Danny pleaded, tossing her onto the middle of the bed as if she weighed nothing, “save me.” She’d laughed with Tom as Danny climbed in and cuddled close to her, laying his head on her shoulder. He was big and heavy, and she adored it, wrapping her arm around his shoulders. They’d actually fallen asleep that way. But Danny had moved, his head now on the pillow beside her, and it had woken her up.

It was still dark as pitch outside, so she figured she’d only slept an hour or so. She knew exactly why she couldn’t go back to sleep. Because she’d started thinking. That never ended well for her. Although usually it went better than trying to articulate what she was thinking about.

Danny had been amazing. To think all that passion and generosity had been locked behind his anger. She carefully rolled over and softly settled her head on his shoulder, while behind her, Tom snored lightly. Tom’s leg slid over and came to rest against her ass, his heat helping to keep her warm. She’d never slept with a guy before. Had sex, yes. Had a sleepover? Nope. She didn’t count the few times she’d fallen asleep with guys in her unit in the Army, catching a quick nap between assignments. More often than not when she woke up Richie would be beside her, grabbing a nap, too, or just watching over her. How had no one known about them? In hindsight it seemed impossible that they’d been able to keep it a secret. Maybe Sam hadn’t seen it because he hadn’t wanted to see it.

Danny startled her when his arm came around her. He caressed her shoulders to settle her back down. “Can’t sleep?” he whispered.

“Not really,” she whispered back. “You?”

“Not really,” he said, hugging her. She smiled against his shoulder as he echoed her words. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Nothing, really. Just thinking.”

“Tom’s right, you really shouldn’t do that,” Danny teased. She lightly punched him and then froze when Tom stirred restlessly next to her. “What are you thinking about?” he whispered in her ear.

“About tonight,” she said. “And about Richie.” She didn’t bother to lie to him. Those polite lies weren’t what this was about. If nothing else, this relationship—the three of them—was based on honesty.

“Tell me about Richie.” Danny was still stroking her shoulder lightly with his fingertips. It was very relaxing.

“There’s not much to tell,” she admitted. “We were crazy about each other, but it was against the rules. I was scared to let it go too far, because I didn’t want to get caught. I didn’t want to be sent home, because then I’d have to leave Richie. So in the end I denied myself Richie so I wouldn’t lose Richie, and I ended up losing Richie forever. Sad, huh?” She closed her eyes, which were suddenly stinging. She’d cried enough tears over it all already.

“It is sad,” Danny agreed, not sugarcoating it. She liked that about him. “I hate that it happened to you. And to Richie. He must have been a pretty great guy if he fell in love with you. Did they catch the people who did it?”

“Oh, no,” she said. “We’re at war. Maybe they were killed in the ambush, but we’ll never know. No one took responsibility for it.”

“Does that bother you? Do you wish you could bring them to justice?” His questioning was insistent.

“A little, but I don’t dwell on it. I think they’ve stolen enough of my life, don’t you? Remind me to show you a picture of Richie,” she said, wiping a tear from under her eye. Danny handed her a corner of the sheet and she used that.

“The same one Sam has?”

“Yeah. I forget you all have seen it.”

“Lots of times. But I’m not sure which one Richie is.”

“The tall blond with dimples. He looked a little like Tom.”

“Of course he did,” Danny said wryly.

“That’s not why I fell for Tom,” she assured him quickly. “Tom is Tom and Richie is Richie. You know? But they both have that sort of homegrown farm-boy charm.”

“I don’t. So where do I fit in?” Danny asked. “I don’t have much charm of any kind, homegrown on the farm or otherwise.”

“Not true,” she proclaimed. “You have a gruff, grumpy sort of reluctant charm.” He really did. Each of his smiles came with the knowledge that he didn’t give them to everyone, and they made the recipient feel special. There was charm in that.

“You have to admit that Tom and I are completely different,” Danny insisted.

“You are,” she said. “Is that why you fell for him?”

“I didn’t fall for him,” Danny said in disgust. “He’s my best friend and he knows how to push my buttons when it comes to sex.”

“Uh-huh,” she said. “And how is that not falling for him?”

“Because it isn’t,” Danny said in that flat tone that said this conversation is over. “So you and Richie never did it?”

“Back to me, huh? Okay. No, we didn’t. And I’ll regret that for the rest of my life.”

“Which is one reason I came back to the living room tonight. I didn’t want that regret.” Carmina completely understood that motivation. It was what had made her willing to go along with Tom tonight when he started his seduction. “Have you ever thought,” Danny asked with a little hesitation, “that maybe your history with Richie is why you couldn’t come, not your injury?”

“What?” Carmina asked, surprised.

“The fact that you never made love with Richie obviously weighs on you. Maybe, psychologically, it’s held you back from enjoying sex. Look, I’m no doctor or therapist, but I do know all about how, mentally, shit can weigh you down and manifest itself in unexpected ways. Right? I lash out in anger. Maybe you locked down your sex drive or something.”

“I thought about that,” she said. “It makes sense. Doctors have told me there’s nothing wrong with me, that I should be able to climax. And they were right. I can. So why did you and Tom unlock it?”

“Now, that I don’t know,” he admitted. “I guess because we’re just so awesomely sexy?” She choked back a laugh, trying not to wake Tom.

“See? You are funny,” she teased. “That’s charm.”

“Ha ha,” he said, nuzzling the top of her head. She snuggled in closer to him, wrapping her arm around his chest as best as she could. He was so damn big. Sometimes she forgot, because the defensive guys were even bigger. But she’d seen Danny take down huge guys with his speed and that anger that seemed to hang over him like a dark cloud.

“Can we talk about you, now?” she asked quietly, rubbing the palm of her hand in circles over his nipple. He growled.

“Not if you keep doing that,” he told her, dragging her up a bit so he could kiss her neck. She slowly eased her hand away from his now hard nipple.

“Okay,” she said. He stopped kissing her neck with a sigh.

“What do you want to know?” he asked.

“You mentioned your mom, but not your dad. Why? Where are they? How come you’re not with them for Christmas?”

“Man, you cut right to the heavy shit,” Danny muttered. “My mom is easy. She’s in Atlanta. I grew up there, lots of family still around.”

“Okay. Why aren’t you in Atlanta with her?”

“Ever since my dad passed—that was five years ago—I haven’t been back. He and I were always closer than I was to my mom. He was really involved with my football, since I was a kid. He and my mom were never married. She married someone else and had a couple of kids after me. So I was with my dad most of the time.” She could feel him shrug under her cheek. “Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom, and I get along with her and my half sisters. We’re just not close. Not all families are close.” He didn’t sound defensive. Just matter-of-fact, which was a different kind of sad, but she didn’t say that.

“I’m sorry about your dad,” she said, hugging him. “It must have been hard when he died.”

“It was, but not for the reason you think.” Danny was still whispering, and she loved the feeling of sharing secrets in the dark.

“Then tell me the reason.” She slid her leg over, nestling it between his legs.

“I hadn’t talked to my dad in almost three years when he died,” Danny said, and this time she could hear the sadness in his voice. “He and I disagreed on something pretty important, and I knew he was wrong. In my head that made him one of the bad guys. But I realize now that he thought he was looking out for me, protecting me. He was just doing what he thought was best. At the time, I couldn’t see that. I just thought he didn’t care.” He choked up as he explained. Wordlessly, she offered him the same corner of the sheet he’d given her, and he gave a reluctant chuckle. “We’re a pair, aren’t we?”

“We are,” she told him. “Maybe that’s what drew us to each other.” She rolled on top of him, as if covering him with her body could protect him from the hurt. She put her head back on his shoulder as his hands came to rest on her bottom. “What did you fight with him about?”

“The same damn thing that’s been eating at me for years,” he said bitterly. “You might as well know. When I was a sophomore in college, I played for Marian’s dad. He’s a pretty legendary coach, although she doesn’t like anyone to know he’s her dad. Anyway, one night I rescued her from a gang rape in the locker room. Her boyfriend at that time decided that her desire for a threesome meant she wanted to be gang-raped. Nice, huh? They were all players on her dad’s team. And her dad chose them. The players, not Marian. He threatened to ruin my football career if Marian or I went to the cops. He was worried about ruining his winning season. Can you believe that shit? And I agreed. So did Marian. And that decision has been eating away at me ever since.” He tried to push her off, but she refused to budge. Somehow she knew that the way she reacted to this revelation was very important.

“Who was he? Her boyfriend?” Carmina asked. “Is he still playing?”

“None other than future Hall of Famer Darren Peltz of the Las Vegas Rough Riders,” Danny spit out. “The team we have to face next week.” Something about the way he said it put her on alert.

“You’ve played him before, right? Since then?”

“Yeah. Not often, though. We’ve always managed to be in different divisions, and the schedules have been in my favor. But this year we play. And being here, seeing Marian again, knowing what she’s gone through over the years trying to get past that assault, not being able to tell anyone—I want Peltz. I want him to pay for what he did.”

“Danny, what are you planning to do?” Tom’s harsh voice startled them both. “What?” he asked. “I’ve been awake for the last ten minutes. You guys didn’t notice when I stopped snoring?”

“I’m not planning anything you need to worry about,” Danny told him arrogantly. Tom slid closer and she felt his leg tangle with hers and Danny’s.

“You can’t do anything, Danny,” Tom said quietly. “You promised Marian. I want to kill him, too. But we can’t.”

“What happened between you and Marian?” Carmina asked Tom. He looked surprised for a minute, then avoided her gaze, looking guilty. “Look,” she said, “I know something happened. You haven’t known her very long, and yet you’re exceptionally close. I know it’s not just because of your friendship with Danny. Did you sleep with her? Do Cass and Beau know?”

“We all slept with her,” Danny said, bitterness in his voice still. “Including me. She needed to get past what happened if she was going to make it work here in Birmingham, and with Cass and Beau. She needed to learn to trust football—and football players—again. And she needed to know that what she wanted was okay, that it didn’t make her a bad person, and it wasn’t going to end with her getting hurt, like it did before. I didn’t want to see that she needed it, but they made me see it. And they were right. And it helped me, too.”

“Are you in love with her?” Carmina asked, her heart sinking.

“No, not like that,” Danny said. He’d been holding her hips as if he wanted to push her off, but his hold changed and he caressed her, his hand sliding from her hip to her back. “As a friend.”

Carmina looked at Tom. “That was the threesome you were asked to join,” she said in realization.

“More like a sixsome,” Tom admitted. “It was a one-time-only deal, just to help Marian, like Danny said. But I think we all had some fallout from it. Danny admitted he likes to be held down, and we both had our first guy-on-guy action that night. I ran with it. Danny continued to deny everything.”

“Shut up,” Danny said without anger. “I had my reasons. I’m not running now, am I?”

“Like you said, it’s okay to want what you desire,” Tom said. “It doesn’t make you like the guys who attacked Marian.”

“No, it doesn’t,” Carmina said in agreement. “You’d never do something like that to someone.” She kissed his neck. “Are you still really angry about it?”

“Yeah,” Danny admitted reluctantly. “I still lose sleep over it.”

“You can’t move forward if you’re anchored by the hate,” Carmina whispered. “How can you make room for love when bitterness fills your heart? I should know, right? You need to let the anger go.”

“I don’t think I can,” Danny said sadly. “I’ve lived with it so long it’s a part of me. My life was irreparably changed by what happened. I had a falling out with my father and never got to reconcile with him before he died. I lost the trust and camaraderie that come with being part of a team. I lost the desire to explore sexually, to enjoy that part of myself. He stole all that from me. I can’t forget all that. I can’t forgive it.”

“Then more advice,” Carmina said, kissing his shoulder. “You have to live your own life. Do what you need to do. Because the only person you have to live with is yourself.”

“That’s not helping,” Tom told her. “Promise you won’t do anything stupid next week,” he said to Danny as he raised himself up on his elbow to stare down at him.

“I won’t do anything stupid,” Danny said. Carmina could tell he was lying, but there wasn’t a damn thing she could do about it.