Seventeen
Ava
My eyes fluttered open as the birds chirping woke me from my slumber. Travis's strong arms were around me, pulling me into the breadth of his chest. I rolled over and pressed a small kiss to his shoulder, my leg snaking between his. I could feel his massive girth rubbing against my thigh, and it sparked that telltale heat between my legs again.
I felt like a woman when I was with him. I felt like a woman who had my life under control. I felt compelled to make my own decisions and stand up for myself. To speak my mind and have my own opinions. It was a feeling I had never experienced before and I was thankful to him for it. I was thankful for the getaway he had become during this season of my life. Especially while I fought so intensely with my father.
But there was a part of me that wanted more. There was a part of me that didn't want to give this up. That wasn't willing to resign to the fact that this was just a temporary thing at another junction of my life.
As I laid there, my eyes dancing along his sleeping face, I wondered how he felt about all this. Was this just a fling for him? Did he just want to give the virgin a run for her money? Maybe this was nothing for him. Maybe I was simply another encounter for him while my life was out of control. Maybe once I left today, I would never see him again.
The thought brought tears to my eyes as he began to move and awaken.
“Ava?” Travis asked. “Is everything okay?”
I sniffled and nodded my head, trying to turn away from him.
“No, no. Something’s wrong. Talk to me,” he said.
I shook my head, resigning myself to the silence I had become so familiar with as his arms pulled me closer.
“You need to talk to me. Losing your virginity is an emotional thing. I’m here for you,” he said.
“That’s the point.”
“What’s the point?”
“How long are you going to be here for me?”
I turned my head toward him and his eyes settle onto mine. He was such a beautiful man, with his long hair, thick beard, and translucent amber eyes. He had these high cheekbones I could cut glass on and a jawline I could sharpen a sword with. There wasn't a thing about him that wasn't breathtaking, and it only served to make this conversation harder.
“I don’t know,” Travis said.
“At least your answer was honest,” I said flatly.
“I don’t know what you want me to say. Where is this coming from?” he asked.
“Is this just a fling? Or is this something more?” I asked.
My eyes connected with his, but he didn't give me an answer. All he did was rake his eyes up and down my body like he had last night. I pulled the covers up over myself and sat on the edge of his bed, my mind swirling with all sorts of thoughts. This was just a fling for him. I could see it in his eyes. Maybe it had been a new experience, taking someone's virginity. But this was serious for me, and he needed to know that.
I felt a connection with him. A connection I’d never had with anyone else in my life. I felt free with him. Happy with him. I didn't feel leashed or controlled or relegated to a particular belief or train of thought. He asked me about things. He wanted to know what I thought about things. He wanted me to voice what was going on in my life.
He seemed like he genuinely wanted to know.
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Travis said.
“Don’t worry. I won’t tell you what you should say. I’ve done that my entire life. It isn’t fun.”
I slid from the edge of the bed, taking the comforter with me. Travis called after me as I stepped into the hallway. I needed to get my clothes back on. I needed to put up some sort of barrier between Travis and I again. I had become too vulnerable to quickly and it was going to break my heart if I had to lay there and listen to anymore of his non-committal answers.
I dropped the comforter in the middle of the floor and put my clothes on as my purse began to vibrate.
“Can we talk about this?” Travis asked.
I draped my dress over my body as I walked toward my stuff.
“We just did,” I said.
“No, we didn’t. You asked me a question I didn’t expect before I’d even woken up. That isn’t a conversation,” he said.
“Hold on,” I said. “Hello?”
“Ava, it’s Hunter. Where are you?”
“I’m out and about. What’s wrong? You sound frantic,” I said.
“It’s been interesting since you left. You apparently told Dad you went on a date?” he asked.
“So what if I did?” I asked.
“I don’t care, you are your own person. But you need to get home. Dad’s calling a family meeting and he’s expecting you to be there.”
“And if I don’t show up?” I asked.
I saw Travis look back at me from the coffee pot as he started to prepare it. Part of me wanted to stay and have coffee with him. Talk about this once the two of us had woken up. But I was filled with emotions I didn't understand and I had books in my car I knew could help me decipher them. Psychological books and sociological books. Books on human interaction and books on sex. I had to get back to them in order to help figure out what in the world I was feeling.
So we could have this conversation intelligently. Like two adults.
“If you’re going to show Dad you can make your own decisions as an adult, then you need to start making decisions with an adult mind. You don’t have to listen to what he has to say, but an adult would show up,” Hunter said.
“You’re right,” I said with a sigh. “Let me clean myself up a bit and I’ll come home.”
“I’m not going to even ask, but if you’re talking about what I think you’re talking about—”
“I’m taking a shower, you doofus. I didn’t take one last night,” I said.
I wasn’t about to reveal to my overprotective brother that I’d just lost my virginity to a stranger who was a decade older than me.
“Fine,” Hunter said. “But get home soon. It starts in an hour.”
“I’ll be there, don’t worry,” I said.
I hung up the phone and gathered my purse as I searched for my shoes. I found them shoved underneath the couch and I tried to reach for them. My fingers couldn't get to them and I snickered as I shook my head, but then the couch suddenly lifted off the floor.
I looked up and saw Travis holding up the couch for me so I can get to them.
I reached a little farther and got my shoes before he set the couch back down to the ground. I watched every muscle in his body flex with the effort, and I had to turn my head away to stay in control of my heart. It slammed against my chest as my skin cried out for him. Blood rushed through my ears and landed straight between my legs. I wanted him. I craved him. I needed to feel close to him again.
But I couldn't have him right now. There was too much going on I had to process.
I slipped my feet into my shoes and headed for the door. Travis didn't try to stop me and I didn't give him an opening to try. I ripped the front door open and walked out onto the porch, quickly heading for my car. My legs carried me as fast as I could as the memory of last night bombarded my mind.
Travis stood in the doorway, his torso bare and his eyes locked hard onto me. I jammed my keys into the ignition, needing to get out of there quicker. I knew if he stared into my eyes anymore than he already was, I would stay. I would stay and have a conversation I was not ready to have and I would miss the family meeting that would paint me as an adult in the eyes of my father. I needed to be there for that meeting. I needed to stand by my brothers and rally against my parents for a better life.
But I also needed to cope with the adult decision I had already made.
I made a decision that was life altering to me last night, and I needed to deal with the emotions that came with it. I needed to accept the consequences of my decision, no matter what had influenced it. That was what an adult did, and that was what I had to do.
I couldn’t do that in the presence of Travis, however. I knew that much.
I pulled away and watched as the cabin receded in my rearview mirror. I watched him step out onto the porch, his eyes following after me as my car receded from his view. He was nothing but an ant-like figure in my mirror before my eyes blurred my vision with tears.
I was angry and I was hurt and I felt empty inside.
I thought being an adult was going to feel better than this. I thought being with Travis was going to feel better than this. I thought my life was going to be easier and filled with decisions to make my life a better place. I didn’t expect to feel things like this. To feel an aching sadness in the pit of my chest.
I felt that type of emotion for the past twenty-two years of my life.
I knew I had to leave Travis behind. At least long enough to screw my head back on straight. I needed to use this car ride to get into gear for the meeting ahead. I wish I had asked Hunter for more information on what prompted the meeting. Was Dad angry? Was he upset? Was he tired or frustrated? Did it have to do with the company or with a function that was coming up?
Whatever it was, I knew it wasn’t going to be good. Only this time, I wasn’t sure if I could run to Travis afterwards.
And that thought shoved a tear down my cheek.