What the fuck is happening?
That incessant question keeps badgering me and I don’t have a fucking clue how to answer. All I know is Willow is in my house, cleaning up my mess, and seems really pleased about it.
When we first came back in, Willow moved about my house like she’s lived here for years. She knows where everything goes, without having to ask, as she flits around the small rooms. Willow made herself comfortable with ease and fits right into my space.
She had another outfit in her car so she changed out of her ruined clothes. She looks all put back together and orderly. I don’t like it. I preferred the disheveled, freshly fucked looked so I want to shred every stitch covering her.
Since Willow touched me earlier, the darkness has left me alone and the panic has stayed away. Now I’m fucked up for a totally different reason and she’s currently smiling at me from the kitchen. I completely isolated myself out here for damn good reasons but I am having a tough time thinking of them with her beaming at me.
Willow has my full attention but maybe that isn’t such a bad thing. I’ve only had myself to rely on lately and had been getting along in my own way. I’d been adamant that I didn’t need help or support from anyone but the thought of her leaving makes my gut clench. I should be pissed as shit that I am already affected by her again. On some level I am angry that I can’t seem to turn her away, but the calming sensation she gives me outweighs the fury.
My mind is clogged with the overwhelming confusion I’m dealing with. After having sex with Willow, I freaked the fuck out. My younger self would be ashamed of how I treated her. I used to obsess over how perfect it would be when we finally slept together. I was such a fucking dreamer. Look at how great all that fantasizing turned out.
Fucking terrible.
I don’t care what Willow says, there’s no way what I did to her was what she really wanted. I should have been gentle and sweet. I could have taken more time to prepare her. There was always so much I wanted to do but I’m not that type of man anymore. All I’m good for is rough, dirty, and harsh. Willow deserves much better than any pathetic shit I can provide.
The fact we were friends before makes this situation even more despicable. She is a romance junkie and loves to be spoiled, which I’ve known since we were kids. I can’t give her what she’s always dreamed up for her happily ever after. Not even fucking close. Willow believes we can rebuild our bond but I’ve never screwed one of my pals before. I won’t be able to remove those sexy as fuck memories we just created. Even if we go back to just being friends.
Considering going back to strictly platonic with Willow has me grinding my teeth. A moment ago I didn’t think I could stand having her in my space and now I want to fuck her again? I need to get a fucking grip.
Willow starts humming and it brings me back to my current surroundings. Why is she so happy cleaning my house? I can’t concentrate for shit but she appears to be perfectly content and pleased beyond belief. I can’t bite my tongue any longer.
“Willow?” I begin the conversation by stealing her focus. Once she turns to face me, I dive right in. “What the fuck is happening?” I decide to just ask the question that has been circling my mind for the last thirty minutes.
She startles slightly from my blunt approach but responds smoothly as if she was prepared for it. “I thought we made it pretty clear before coming back in here. I’m helping tidy up the wreck you created. Is that still alright?” Her question seems innocent enough but I remember how sharp she is. There is always a deeper meaning hiding beneath the surface with her.
“You know I wasn’t that willing to let you stay at first but yes, I’m fine with it. What I meant was what is happening between us? What is going on? You are sweeping around the room like all is well while I sit here extremely fucking irritated. I’m not trying to be an asshole but I can’t take the confusion piled on top of all the other shit I’m already dealing with.” The aggravation and frustration are starting to take over. I can’t allow her to watch me crash into the abyss.
I take a deep breath before continuing. “Fuck. I’m sorry, Willow. I’m not used to having conversations anymore. I’m totally out of my element and I don’t fucking like it.”
She keeps quietly assessing me with her emerald gaze, which unnerves me further. My sanity slips farther away and the edges of my vision start to blur.
Shit, shit shit . . .
I jerk slightly when I feel her soft hand cover my tightened fist before slipping around my wrist. The sweet serenity creeps in and chases the darkness away. Willow’s effect on me still freaks me out, and I have no idea how to explain it, but I am relieved the panic has subsided.
For now.
The concern etched on her features is genuine and I consider that Willow might still care about me. I don’t know how or understand why but maybe I can rely on her slightly. I wouldn’t have to be totally detached anymore. I could try spending time with her and attempt getting to know each other again.
The fear of being vulnerable is at the forefront of my mind as I contemplate my options. The choices seem extremely limited as I stare at the beautiful woman in front of me. If she wants to be present in my fucked up life, I can’t stop her and I don’t want to either.
The silence between us has stretched on far too long to be comfortable but it doesn’t seem to bother Willow. I want to know what she’s thinking but am too afraid to ask. I get trapped in the gold flecks accenting her green irises and lose my train of thought. For a stupid moment, I feel like the horny teenager that used to gobble up any scrap of attention Willow would toss my way. I groan loudly at the nonstop chaos in my mind.
I need some space. I can’t continue with this ludicrous train of thought. As I begin to mentally and physically distance myself from Willow, she breaks our muted standoff.
“There is so much going on up there. I can almost see the gears turning. Can’t we just be still for a little while?” She taps my temple while speaking.
I try to explain some of my madness. “Earlier you said we were talking in circles but that’s what I always feel like. I can’t seem to make sense of anything, which bothers the shit out of me. Trying to figure out what you’re thinking is stretching me even further. I’m going for a walk, alright? Just to quiet some of the turmoil.” My voice is low as I back farther away from her. When her arm is fully extended and about to drop due to the distance between us, Willow stops me.
“Xander, wait. Why don’t you ask me what you’re wondering?” She pulls me back toward her and I’m unsure how to react.
I decide to swallow my bullshit and go for it.
“What were you thinking about, Willow? What is causing that questioning look to cover your face?” My eyes sweep over her as I anxiously await her response.
Why is her answer so damn important? I don’t know why I care so fucking much but I can’t seem to control my impulses where Willow is concerned.
She leans into my personal space so she can whisper close to my ear, “I want you to kiss me.”