Once I confess the truth about my tattoo, I know it’s the right choice. A huge weight has lifted off my straining shoulders. That is until Willow starts choking.
Her top half folds over her legs as she gasps for breath. Thankfully she doesn’t fall out of the chair. I approach her slowly to offer a pat on the back but she wildly swats me away with the hand not clutching her throat.
I knew if I didn’t blurt out my secret, I wouldn’t tell Willow. It would continue to be one of the many roadblocks separating us. I just didn’t anticipate she’d react quite so strongly.
I stand back and watch her struggle for a few minutes. It gives me a chance to evaluate our complicated shit. I know how closed off and guarded I am but I’m not opposed to letting her hang around. Not anymore. I enjoy Willow’s company too much already and I don’t want to send her packing. It’ll come back to bite me but I couldn’t care less right now.
My focus remains on Willow’s heaving form as she slows her breathing. She lifts her head to glare at me and I notice tears in her eyes.
Fuck. Were those caused from emotions or the hacking?
“What the heck, Xander? How do you just toss that declaration out willy-nilly? Seriously? You barely freaking talk to me and now you’re confessing something like that?!” Willow spits the words out like they taste bad. I can’t remember a time she’s ever been mad like this.
She leaps from her seat and begins pacing frantically. Her hands flail about as she continues her rant. “I don’t even know what to say. How do I respond to that, Xander? I’m so freaking frustrated with you! I mean, why didn’t you tell me before? Why?” Willow’s steps abruptly stop and she turns to face me.
“Wait. The design is a willow tree, right? I’m not making wild assumptions right? Holy crap, Xander. Tell me I’m not being crazy!” Her eyes glow as they widened in horror.
Damn, she’s so fucking sexy.
How could there ever be anyone but her? I’ve been obsessed with her since we were in middle school. We were always together and I guzzled down every drop of attention she gave me. My eyes were constantly tracking her whenever she was near. My heart sped up as she would approach me. The words that would have explained my feelings were never said but she could have figured it out.
Since Willow has been staying with me, she is all I think about. She’s the reason the fucking ghosts have stopped haunting me incessantly. Bright light has gracefully infiltrated my pitch-black existence and I’ll never be able to repay her for bringing me back from the ledge.
Can she seriously think I had some other girl in mind when I got my tattoo? I have to end that ridiculous train of thought right the fuck now.
I close the distance between us in a few long strides. When I’m close enough to touch, I gave her more honesty. “I think you know the answer to that, Willow. You’re not being crazy, unless you actually believe I’d admit to loving someone else.” My voice is gruff yet soft.
I can’t stop from touching her in some small way. I gently push some hair from her face and caress her cheek with the back of my fingers when I pull away. Willow trembles and peers up at me from under her lashes. She better not try getting shy on me now.
“I’ve never been good with expressing how I feel and I’m really shit at it now. Just know, even through all the pain and suffering, you were always with me as a reminder. On my darkest days, your memory was there to yank me back from the breaking point,” I whisper against her lips. Willow’s breathe stutters as she sways in my grasp.
She sucks at the corner of her mouth and the tease is enough to snap my restraint.
I crush my mouth to hers while hooking my hands under her thighs. In the next instant, I have WIllow’s back against a nearby tree as I eagerly stroke her tongue with mine. Our bodies fit together effortlessly, which only adds to my rapidly building arousal. Willow is everything I’ve been missing these past three years.
We’re fueled purely by desire for several moments. Clutching fingers, rocking hips, and panting moans. I’m quickly getting absorbed into this woman as my body melds with hers. Willow is silky and soft in contrast to my jagged edges so the combination is fucking electric. I never want the heat under my skin to quit burning.
Just when I think Willow wants me to fuck her in these woods, she pushes against my shoulder and withdraws her mouth from our heated connection.
Damn.
“Wait. Hold on a second, Xander. I want to hear the story.” Her tone holds a hint of a groan as I rock into her.
She wants to talk?
Now?
“What story?” I ask while sucking her earlobe between my teeth. Willow leans into me and digs her heels into my ass. Maybe I can convince her to give up the chitchat.
Willow pulls away from me again even though I attempt to keep her locked in my embrace. “The tattoo. I want the details. You’re not getting out of this. No matter how tempting the alternative.” Her stare reflects her unwavering determination.
My forehead drops to her shoulder as I exhale a loud sigh, trying to cool the fuck down. Damn, this girl has all the control but I couldn’t really care less. Willow owns my sorry ass.
I unwind her legs from my hips and slowly ease her to the ground. I drop a chaste kiss to her lips before stepping out of her hold. I scratch at my beard and fidget with the hem of my shirt. I can’t stall forever.
“All right. I don’t think there’s much to share but you can be the judge.” I’ve never been able to talk to anyone about my time overseas but telling Willow doesn’t seem like such a huge undertaking.
I take a deep breath and continue, “Being deployed really sucked, especially at first. There isn’t a way to explain it to someone that hasn’t experienced it, but just know I had a really tough time adjusting.
“Everything is so fucking different over there. It’s lonely and scary and you never know what could happen. Living through that shit changes you. I tried so damn hard to stay strong, especially for you, but there were times I wanted to give up.
“Before I bonded with the guys in my troop,” my throat locks up at the mention of my fallen brothers. It makes my chest constrict but I grit my teeth and push past it. “I was by myself a lot. I thought about you constantly, Willow. I would close my eyes and picture you. I don’t know why I never told you how I felt. It seems so fucking foolish now. Maybe things could have been different.”
I sound fucking defeated even though Willow is standing right in front of me. I suppose it still doesn’t seem possible.
Will I ever believe she wants to be here willingly?
Willow looks like a fallen angel that I’ve corrupted. Leaves are scattered in her chocolate hair but the strands still shine in the sun. Her plump lips are swollen and tempting me to ditch story time, but her beautiful green eyes are pleading with me to keep going. I’m a slave to her silent demand so I comply easily.
“One stupid night, a group of us went out drinking. I got shitfaced and that just made me miss you even more. I started jabbering on about you and one of my friends put the idea in my head to get some ink. It sounded like a good plan and I knew exactly what I wanted.
“I’ve shown you plenty of my random drawings over the years but never the ones dedicated to you. I have pages filled with willow trees and different things that remind me of you. Since I was a sappy shit, I carried around a favorite piece. We strolled into the parlor, I handed the paper over, sat down, and the artist went to work.”
I swallow hard at the memory of the dull ache the needle caused while digging into my skin. I recall smirking like a tool imagining Willow’s reaction when she discovered my ultimate commitment. The reality was drastically opposite. I shove my hands deep into my pockets and find the courage to finish this.
“I woke up the next morning with a killer hangover and my entire right side was throbbing. When I looked at the tattoo, I smiled for the first time in weeks.”
“I sound like such a loser but it made me feel like you were there with me, Willow. In the worst place on Earth, I had a radiant companion by my side, keeping me safe.
“It doesn’t seem like it but I was still relying on you, on the memory of you, every single day. Until you showed up. It’s messed up because I treated you like shit but I didn’t know how to handle actually seeing you again. The past several days have been a disaster but I don’t regret anything because you’re still here.” I clear my throat after the final word. My guts have been spilled all over this forest so I’m feeling pretty damn vulnerable.
I sound like a pussy-whipped bitch but I’ll accept the repercussions. I won’t give her a watered down version. She wants to hear the truth so she better be able to handle it.
Willow is quietly assessing me and my chest begins to tighten as the anxiety creeps in. There is a dull throb piercing through my skull and tremors cause my fingers to shake. The gates I just opened are threatening to slam shut. I don’t want to regret my words but I’m beginning to wonder if I went too far. I don’t know what I’ll do if she rejects my dumbass.
While I’m busy warring with myself, Willow finally speaks, and her question is the one I’ve been dreading.