“Why didn’t you write me, Xander?”
The entire time he was speaking, I kept circling back to the same freaking question. If he cared so much, missed me so terribly, then why didn’t he contact me?
The day we parted three years ago burns brightly in my mind.
He promised me.
To find out he constantly thought of me yet didn’t reach out, pours salt in my open wounds.
Xander stands motionless in front of me for several moments after the question leaves my mouth. If he knows me at all, which he dang well should, he knew that question was coming. I waited for those letters daily but they never came. No correspondence of any kind. The distance between us emotionally slowly began to match the physical space. It broke my heart but I wasn’t in control of it. I had no address or way to contact him. Xander needed to reach out first and he never did.
Don’t get me wrong, I went all mushy inside for a hot minute when Xander admitted his long time affection. But then confusion plowed over the joy and my brain was scrambled over the stunning admission just laid at my feet. I’m so baffled, the moment I’ve been waiting for–for years–has a tainted hue.
Xander loved me? That news has a chorus of angels, serenading me with heavenly hymns, taking up real estate in my soul. I am freaking ecstatic.
Xander loved me but not connecting with me for three years? Yeah, I want to go bang my head against the nearby tree. I think about all the wasted chances that I let slip by as well, which only makes me feel worse.
Usually I’m very patient and understanding, but right now unease bubbles in my stomach. My ears are ringing and a strain is pulling at my neck. Lover not a fighter? Right now, I want to say screw being nice by avoiding tough topics. I want to dive right in and discover why we allowed this to happen. I won’t though. I might be crushed and disappointed, but more than anything, I’m scared to take it out on Xander.
He nervously shuffles his feet as he pushes his fists deeper into his pockets. “Right for the jugular, Willow? You couldn’t comment on my feelings first? Then dig into how I fucked up?” His defensive tone makes me feel really guilty but I’m fueled by my need to know more.
I shake my head, afraid my voice will betray me. He knows what I want. I don’t need to repeat myself. I try to shake off the animosity. I allow my eyes to slowly rake over Xander’s enormous body.
Darn, he’s hard to resist when he’s all tense and coiled tight.
His eyes are like blue flames that want to consume me. I can’t stop the heat from pooling in my belly.
Maybe Xander was expecting me to fall helplessly into his arms and swoon all over his enticing words but I was thrown way off course. I had no idea he felt this way for me, after all this time. The shock reverberates through my bones and it causes a shudder to roll through me.
How did we let this happen?
Why didn’t we tell each other sooner?
The unknowns keep bouncing through my head but I become distracted by Xander’s brooding sexiness. I shake off the heat spreading through my veins. He can be smoldering hotness all he wants but we are finishing this dang conversation.
I tilt my head and catch a glimpse of the Xander I used to know, hiding underneath all that appetizing muscle. I expected him to be different, of course. No one comes back from war unaffected but anyone would describe Xander’s transformation as extreme. Being able to see a piece of the boy I grew up with has my heart beating erratically. I’ve obsessed about finding a connection to the past since stumbling upon the detached version of him so the relief consumes me now.
As my question continues to hang unanswered, my silent scrutiny of Xander triggers a memory from before he was deployed. It flashes into my mind, resurfacing an opposite version of this man, and whisks me away to the comforting past.
I heard him before I saw him. Xander always knew where to find me when I was upset. It was like a sixth sense between us.
He settled on the swing next to me and gently started rocking.
“Remember when we first met? At this park? The summer I moved here?” Xander asks questions in rapid succession as a way to distract me. It’s sweet that he tries so I go along with it.
I join in the recollection. “You were such a cute little kid. All lanky limbs and floppy hair. I knew we would make great friends.”
“And look at us now, Wills.”
I turn to him and Xander is flashing a brilliant smile at me. He’s so hot. I can hardly handle our close friendship some days.
“Just as I predicted. Right as always.” I chuckle when he scoffs at my response.
“So, what brings you out here today?”
I’m not surprised he’s ready to solve the issue.
I sigh and bury my shoe in the wood chips. “I went on a date with Doug Nelson and it didn’t go very well.”
Xander cringes. “I told you not to bother with that loser. He’s such a jackass on the field and I’m surprised Coach puts up with him. What did he do?”
“I tried not getting my hopes up. I’d heard all about his reputation but the naive girl inside me didn’t believe the rumors. All he wanted was sex. It was obvious from the moment he picked me up.” I knew my tone was bitter. I didn’t care about Doug or the stupid date. My pride was injured when he assumed I’d just sleep with him.
Xander makes a strange noise that sounds like a growl. It sounded funny coming from him. “What a douche. You shouldn’t be wasting your time on jerks like that, Wills. You need to find a guy that will treat you with respect. You deserve so much better.”
“Oh yeah, X? Where am I going to find a guy like that? All I catch are horny boys looking to score.” I set a trap I knew he wouldn’t fall into. I’ve been secretly in love with him since we were thirteen but I could never find the guts to tell him.
Xander seems to ponder my options before simply saying, “me.” He shrugs his shoulders and gives me another huge smile.
What is happening right now?
Does he actually mean that?
His laughter breaks up my mini meltdown. “You should see your face, Wills. It looks like you’ve seen a ghost. Don’t freak out or anything. I was joking. The right guy will come around eventually. Just enjoy yourself. We’re too young to stress about that crap.” His fluffy statements hurt my heart, even though they shouldn’t.
We’re just friends.
My feelings for him are far from platonic.
I love him. Xander is the one I truly want.
Why doesn’t he love me too?
Xander gently touches my shoulder and shakes me a bit. “Relax. Let’s go get ice cream. That always makes you feel better. I’ll even pay.” His dimples come out in full force and I lose my breath.
Why does he have to be so freaking perfect?
“Willow?” The sound of my name brings me back to the present.
“You seem a thousand miles away. Maybe we should talk about this later.” Xander’s voice is laced with concern.
He puffs out a mouthful of air and I take a moment to digest his masculine beauty. He is so darn sexy, yet I’m still unsure where we’re headed from here. I so badly want to rewind the clock and confess my love for him before he left. How could that have changed things?
An overwhelming wave of misery crashes over me as I picture a collection of lost moments. The days we could have spent cuddling on the beach. The nights we would have enjoyed wrapped around each other. Stolen kisses and lingering touches. I desperately want those memories but they vanish before my eyes. A deep inhale fills my lungs as I process through my pain.
“No. I want to know, Xander. I need to hear this.” I try to keep the bubbling hurt from my voice. My chin begins to tremble so I cover the offending twitch with my palm. Xander takes notice of my distress and swoops in closer.
I use my free hand to wave him off. “Tell me, Xander. I want to know.”
Darn it, my eyes are watering.
I’m such a mess. Emotional overload is not a joke.
Xander takes pity on me and begins another section to our broken history. “I know how much I fucked up, all right? I promised to write. I swore I would call. All you got was silence. I’m a piece of shit for that, WIllow. I deserve the fury in your beautiful eyes. I own the hurt you’re tossing my way.” He chokes on the words like they are tough to say. I realize too late that he’s not used to communicating at all, yet I’m forcing him to divulge painful experiences.
“You need to try and understand what a horrible situation I was thrown into. Even though I thought of you practically every moment of almost everyday, I didn’t know how to express that on paper. Each time I tried, my hand would start shaking uncontrollably. I’d get frustrated that I was being affected so severely by that place.”
His rugged face becomes tense as the struggle he went through flashes through his ocean eyes. Weariness is displayed by his sunken cheeks and dark circles under his eyes. Xander’s eyebrows bunch together as he keeps delving deeper into the story.
“I wanted to call, Willow. The sound of your voice was sure to soothe even my most fucked up nerves but I couldn’t dial the numbers. It seemed like I was protecting you from knowing how awful my life was over there. I tricked myself into believing it was better that way. I didn’t want to drag you down. I wanted to keep you innocent and sweet and naive. I didn’t do it to be an asshole, although I realize that is exactly how it came across. I promise you that wasn’t my intention. I’ve only wanted what was best for you, Willow. I didn’t want that shit to touch you.
“My plan was to do my stint there and come back to you. Then we could start again. I could describe my every desire to your face rather than in a hurried letter. Fuck. I get it, Willow. My mistakes are stacked against me and I don’t have a way past them. You gave me fucking hope that perhaps it wasn’t irreparable but now I’m worried you’re ready to tuck tail. I wouldn’t blame you, but I’m not sure I can let you leave.”
He sucks in a deep breath and aims his chin to the treetops. His fingers rake through his shaggy hair and yank at the ends. Xander is beginning to crumble and my soul instantly wants to provide him with comfort. He did as I asked. He told me the honest truth, even though it rubbed me wrong. I have to give him credit for trying to shield me in his own warped way.
“Xander, I won’t lie to you. I really suffered from not hearing from you. You were my best friend and you always had my back. I never expected you to leave and forget about me. I mean, I suppose I should be thankful you tried keeping me separate from your life over there. But, I’m really sad that you didn’t think of how your silence would affect me.” My voice wobbled as I lost the fight against my tears. They began freely flowing down my cheeks but I continued talking.
“I wanted to support you. I knew it wouldn’t be easy. I understood that you would have plenty of baggage to bring back with you but I would’ve helped carry the weight. Instead I got nothing. That hurt worse, Xander. And now? Knowing how you truly felt about me? I don’t know what to do. Maybe I should go.” I can hardly see through my bleary eyes but I notice when Xander swings his furious face my way.
He storms close enough to touch me, yet doesn’t. The fire is back in his blazing eyes but I have a feeling the heat is fed by fury. His jaw is clenched and the familiar growl is gurgling in his throat.
“No! You need to stay. Fuck that shit, Willow. You can’t leave. No, no, no. Let’s hash it out but don’t fucking go. SHIT!” He spins around and begins pacing, again. The panic mixed with rage doesn’t make a great combination. Xander’s racing off the rails.
He pounds his fist into the trunk of a tree and howls out as the wood splinters. Xander’s knuckles are bleeding as he stomps back to me. I take a step back, unsure what to expect.
He stops in his tracks and lowers his head. His chest rises and falls quickly with his labored breathing.
“Are you afraid of me, Willow?” His hushed voice comes out between pants.
Crap.
I hate that Xander’s impulsive assumption is that I’m scared of him. That really wasn’t the case. I step forward to close the distance between us.
“Look at me,” I hush out quietly, trying to soothe his tattered mind. Xander lifts his wounded eyes and guilt swallowed me in one gulp. I felt like such a brat.
“I didn’t step back out of fear. I think you can understand I’m a little on edge. I wasn’t sure what you needed right then. Did you need more space? Were you going to push up against me again? I backed away because of the unknown. I promise, Xander. I’m full of a lot of mixed emotions, like confusion and hurt, but I could never be frightened of you.” I hope my explanation is enough.
He speaks low and faint. “Alright. I’m sorry I freaked out just now. I can’t handle the thought of you leaving, even though you probably should be running away right now. Please don’t, Willow. I need you. I’m doing a shitty fucking job showing it but you’re helping me. I need you to stay.”
I’m sure it takes a lot for him to admit that, and it proves how vital my presence is here. My professional side understands how his growing dependence on me could be seen as an issue, but to me, it’s a messed up way of rebuilding our bond. We were always inseparable growing up. I didn’t see this as that different.
I place my palm on his scruffy cheek and my heart leaps when he leans into my touch.
“I need you too, Xander. This entire day has been chaotic and I’m sorry if I gave you the impression I would leave. When I said I should go, I meant for a little walk or something. I want to stay with you, Xander. I’m glad you want me here, too.” When I finish, I shift forward a stitch to press a delicate kiss on his lips. When I pull back, warmth is reflected in Xander’s eyes.
He releases a long sigh before whispering, “Thank you.”
After a few collective moments, Xander asks a solid question. “So, now what?”
“How about ice cream? It always makes me feel better.” A warm smile graces my lips as I make the past our present.