Once Willow comes down from her climax, she tries returning the favor and even though I was fucking desperate to bury myself in her, I forced myself to wait until later. I shuck my shorts and take a legit shower with her.
Instead of getting off, I wash her back before she suds up mine. It’s cheesy as hell but I couldn’t give a shit. I love this girl and she’s finally mine. I’m going to tell her tonight, no holding back.
When I called her baby, the shock registered on her expressive face and her reaction made me realize she was starving for more sweetness. Willow’s eyes popped open wide as her breathing stalled so I dipped in for a quick kiss. The way her body melted into me was fucking paradise.
I can’t deny how much she’s already changed me. I want to be a better man because of her and believe I’m taking steps in the right direction.
Willow is breathing life back into my detached soul. She keeps the darkness away which makes it very easy to be around her. I’m gobbling up her light and basking in the fucking brightness. There’s always the underlying worry that she’s going to leave me, since I can’t escape the awareness that she’s eventually going to. For now, I do my best to push those depressing thoughts away since it makes my mood plummet instantly.
I feel like a bastard keeping Willow locked away out here. She’s an outgoing person and always has been, so I’m positive there are plenty of people missing her right now. I bet she has a wonderful life back in the city but I want her all to myself. At least she hasn’t brought up going back yet but she’s dropped a few hints about specific things she’s missing.
A big problem is her lack of clothing. I don’t see the issue but Willow keeps talking about it. There is an old ass washing machine here that came with the house but I don’t have a dryer. The clothes have to hang by the fire since it’s the middle of winter, which takes so fucking long. She’s been stuck wearing the same dirty shit over the past few days. She refuses to wear the previous day’s panties so she’s been going without. Again, I don’t see the problem.
I really don’t mind the fact that Willow has been sleeping in my shirts. It actually really fucking turns me on, which is why I suggested she put one on after our shower. I’ll be uncomfortably rock hard all day just from staring at her but I guess that just makes me a glutton for punishment.
After we’re dressed, I attempt making a decent breakfast for a change. Usually I eat whatever is quick and simple. I’ve never put too much thought into cooking. A slice of bread with some type of fruit was my typical morning meal but I want to do something special for Willow. Maybe it would help show that living here isn’t so bad.
Thankfully, an order of groceries was delivered yesterday so I have some decent options. I settle for the classic eggs, hash browns, and bacon combo. Willow raises a suspicious brow when she catches me whipping the yolks while trying not to burn the potatoes.
“Need any help? I don’t have to sit here doing nothing, you know,” she offers after noticing my glance in her direction.
A vision of us cooking together flits through my memory and reminds me of our past. It was something we often did together on the weekends when our parents weren’t around. We were pretending to be adults by acting all domesticated but I never had a problem playing house with Willow.
Things might be drastically different now but I want that feeling back, so I agree without hesitation. “All right. How about you take over the eggs. Scrambled still good with you?”
Willow slides in close to me for access to the stove. She bumps into me with her hip before replying, “Of course.” Then she scoffs like my question offended her before skidding back into her own space.
She’s temptation fucking personified so I lean closer to lay a smack on her ass before grabbing a handful of the delectable flesh. Then I place a kiss on her cheek for good measure. When I pull back, I notice pink blossoming where my lips just were. Willow blushing over me is too fucking much. This woman is, without a doubt, going to be the end of me.
She clears her throat before speaking. “So, I’ve been meaning to ask you something.” Her eyes flash to mine before quickly darting away. My gut clenches uncomfortably when I assume the worst.
She can’t fucking leave me yet.
“Please hear me out before you refuse, okay?” Willow looks to me for confirmation and when I give a jerky nod, she continues, “You know I spoke with my mom last night. Well, she wanted me to ask if your mom could come out here to visit you.”
I’m already shaking my head in the negative before she’s done talking. “No way, Willow. No. I can’t stand the thought of anyone else being here. I can’t fucking do it.” The panic starts to rise imagining my mother knocking on the door, trying to come in. I back away from the kitchen and begin anxiously stomping around the living room.
Willow turns off the burners and the room smells like spoiled crap. It reminds me of our breakfast that has now been ruined.
Fucking great.
Why did she have to bring this shit up? I had plans for us today and now I’m wound up so fucking tight my stomach hurts. I grab a nearby chair with the intention of hurling it across the room. Instead I slump down on the seat in a defeated heap.
With my head lowered, I don’t see Willow approaching but I hear her light steps. Her warm grip on my shoulder brings relief to my panicked mind but it doesn’t stop the maddening thoughts completely.
Guilt is seeping in because of my hostile reaction. This is my mother we are talking about, the woman that raised me. Not some fucking stranger. Why am I having such a difficult time seeing her? I’m sure my refusal has caused her a lot of pain. We used to be extremely close and now I can’t handle having her in my house?
What the fuck.
I realize Willow has been speaking to me but I didn’t catch any of it. Sounds like she’s apologizing for upsetting me, which makes me feel even worse.
I’m such a piece of shit.
I interrupt her unnecessary explanation. “Stop saying you’re sorry, Willow.” My harsh tone causes her to suck in a sharp breath but it doesn’t deter me. “There is nothing for you to feel bad about. This shit is on me. I’m the fuckup that can’t stand the thought of people near me. All you did was make a request for someone that cares about me. I’m just having a tough time getting past my bullshit right now.”
Willow gives my arm a squeeze before responding. “I understand, Xander. I didn’t mean to upset you but I promised my mom I would at least ask.”
A groan travels from my chest. “You didn’t make me mad. Don’t you dare take blame, Willow. I’m fucking frustrated with myself. I can’t believe I thought I was making progress. Clearly I’m not capable of getting better. I’m fucking insane.” I hear the growl rumble in my throat and it reminds me of the man that roared at Willow when she first arrived.
Fuck.
“Xander, stop. You are being way too hard on yourself. You’ve made such great strides these last few days. I’m so proud of you and I’m honored that you’ve allowed me to be here. You can’t be so critical of your healing. You’re the only one that knows your true limits and as long as you’re trying to move forward, you’re making improvements.”
She’s so calm and collected when she psycho-babbles. I don’t mind in this case because her advice actually resonates with me. Willow has been an essential part of any growth I’ve managed to make. I owe her a lot and I don’t want to disappoint her again.
The right fucking thing to do is let my mom come out here. After the way I acted the last time she tried to visit, I wasn’t sure she would be willing to come back. Clearly I didn’t scare her away permanently.
And honestly, I’m secretly pleased that my mom is sticking with me, even though my behavior toward her was repulsive. It would tear me apart if she actually gave up like I had demanded she do.
Willow hasn’t said much for a few minutes, which is giving me with the opportunity to process through this shit. I feel trapped and I fucking hate it. I need to make the right choice and stop letting the anxiety control me.
I force the words out through my clenched jaw. “You can tell her to come out here. I’m not sure how I’ll handle it once she’s here but I need to at least try. She deserves better than a savage beast for a son.” Thinking of how far I’ve fallen into the darkness brings a huge cloud of gloom over my already sour mood. If I head down this destructive path, I’m not sure I’ll make it out. Thankfully Willow breaks apart my thoughts and disrupts my deprecation.
“Are you sure?” She pauses until I nod. “I hope you don’t feel forced into this. I know how much it would mean to your mom though. I’ll call and see when she can be out here. Maybe we could plan for tomorrow?” The idea of dealing with this mound of anxiety for that long makes my head throb.
I tell Willow exactly how I feel. “It needs to happen now. Today. I’m a wreck just thinking about it and I don’t want to get fucking worse. If we’re going to have my mom out here, I won’t wait. Tell her that. She will make it work.” I’m a selfish asshole but I refuse to struggle in agonized anticipation. The dread is already surging through my veins.
Willow rubs down my arm before returning her attention to my shoulder. I realize she’s specifically touching skin covered in ink. It settles me slightly believing she’s relishing my tattoo.
“Alright, Xander. I’ll pass your message along. It’ll all work out. Don’t stress, okay? She only wants to spend time with you.” Her voice is close to my ear and her warm breath feels good on my neck.
I turn my head so our foreheads touch. I don’t fucking know what I’d do without Willow here. My eyes close as I release a long exhale.
“I appreciate everything you’re doing for me. I hope you know that. Even though I’m terrible at telling you. I don’t want my mom to get her hopes up too high. Can you fill her in on my fucked up mental situation? She can’t stay out here. She doesn’t expect that, right?” The panic swells until it begins to take over my thoughts.
Maybe this is a huge mistake.
Willow places her hand on my cheek and I lean into her touch. “I said don’t stress, Xander. Your mom will be ecstatic with the fact you’re open to having her visit. Even for a few moments. Trust me, she will be very understanding. You’re in charge, all right?” Her words act as a balm to my erratic nerves. I like the idea of being in control, even though I know my demons really run the show.
I kiss Willow’s palm before she pulls her hand away. Then I murmur a quiet, “All right.”
Willow straightens and takes a step back. “Do you want to come with me while I make the call?”
“I can stay here. I’ll clean up the kitchen and try to salvage some of our breakfast. It’ll help clear my mind.” I try to inject confidence in my tone. Having Willow out of the house is never easy for me but I don’t want to take the risk of cancelling the whole visit if I go with her.
She pulls on her jacket and slides into her boots by the door. Willow blows me a kiss from across the room and I almost reach out to pretend I’m catching it. I wasn’t even surprised by my reaction. Willow is disengaging my weapons and calling my soul back to her. The ice that has been surrounding me is melting in her constant presence.
This woman has me wrapped around her little finger and doesn’t even know. I just have to hope she feels the same way. And it’s been a really fucking long time since I hoped for anything at all.