I wake up from the sun streaking through the window and flooding the room with bright light. I’m sprawled across Xander and I’ve never slept better. My subtle movements alert Xander of my rousing and he squeezes my butt before grinding his morning wood into my tired pussy. She needs a serious time out.
“Good morning,” he grumbles in a drowsy tone.
Mmmm, good morning indeed.
I shift my pelvis away from his massive erection to dissuade him from getting any ideas. Xander huffs out a breath in fake annoyance before smacking my retreating bum. I yelp and glare up into his smiling eyes. It’s difficult to tell if his lips are tipped up with all that facial hair obstructing the view.
A question that’s been bouncing around randomly pops into my brain. I worry about disrupting our playful mood but my curiosity wins out.
“Can I ask you something?” I begin after clearing my dry throat. Xander freezes slightly beneath me but nods in approval.
“I’ve been super curious about your beard ever since I saw you again. Growing up, you were always clean cut so it got me wondering. Don’t get me wrong, you look really hot, but is there a reason for it?” I ask while resting my chin on his chest. My head rides his deep inhale and drops back down when he releases it.
Xander’s gaze darts away nervously before refocusing on me. “Well, it’s kind of a long story and definitely not amusing or interesting, so don’t get your hopes up.” He appears worried and edgy, which has my mind reeling with possibilities. His audible sigh accompanies his discomfort as he scratches his fuzzy neck.
“The beard started as a cover to hide a hideous scar running along my cheek and jaw.” As Xander speaks, he grabs my right hand and presses it against his face. He gently glides my fingertips along a bumpy ridge that isn’t visible but is noticeable through touch. The wound must have been enormous because the jagged line is really thick and long. I rub along the edges while combing through his beard and try to imagine what could have caused such an injury.
I don’t want to force details from him but Xander has to know I’m curious to hear much more about this topic. Laying my ear against his pec allows me to hear his steady heartbeat while my eyes search deep into his with an unwavering stare.
Xander makes a choking sound that could almost pass for a chuckle. “Damn, you’re so fucking cute. Tell me what you want to know, Willow.” His expression is open and willing so I take advantage.
“Will you tell me how it happened? I’m assuming it goes along with why you’ve locked yourself away out here. That’s a huge scar so it can’t be from tripping down those nasty stairs outside.” The corner of my lip tips up at my attempt to inject some humor but I know this is a pivotal moment for us.
He expels another weighty gust of air that wafts across my face. “This shit is impossible to even think about. I’ve never talked to anyone about what happened that day. Plenty tried, especially when I was in the hospital. This story is pitch black and I don’t want to dim your light. It’s so fucking vicious and dirty.” Xander’s voice is trembling, which causes my throat to tighten with guilt for putting him in this position. Before I can protest, he keeps going.
“I hate imagining it but I’ll tell you everything, if you want to listen. If it helps you feel closer to me, I’ll let it all out.” He wheezes out the words while tightening his grip on my waist.
I take a few seconds to collect myself and determine how to respond. Everyone handles grief differently but Xander has been storing so much pain without an outlet. Anyone can see he’s not been properly managing whatever is bottled up in his beautiful brain.
With those driving thoughts as motivation, I strengthen my resolve and decide I want him to release his demons. No matter what.
“Since you’ve been gone, I’ve constantly wondered what took you away from me. I’m desperate to find out, but I want you to do it for you, not for me. Let it out for you, Xander.” Moisture blurs my vision so I wipe my lids before it gets worse.
“This is for us, Wills. So we can move forward. Together. I can’t get this shit off my chest without you beside me, all right? You’ve already helped me by making all this shit seem better. It will feel good to share it with you.” Xander’s tone is so sincere and kind that the tears collect faster than I can stop them. The emotion is spilling across my cheeks but he swipes the drops away with his thumb.
A hollow laugh escapes my throat. “You haven’t told me anything and I’m already a freaking mess. Gosh.” I blink quickly a few times in an attempt to stem the flow. My watery eyes look up and get caught up in his calm blue ones. The cleansing breath I release brings clarity to my mind.
“I will carry this burden with you. I would do anything for you, X.” I feel like I’m whispering those truths directly into his soul.
A single tear trickles down his cheek and it nearly breaks me. Xander nods his head once before speaking. “All right. Well, I’ve already told you a little bit about the men that I served with. Over the two years I was actively deployed overseas, we were all stationed together in several cities throughout Afghanistan. Since our troop consisted of only ten soldiers, we became really close without much effort. They were my brothers. Men I would gladly have standing next to me on my wedding day. Paul Collins was my best friend over there and it guts me daily that I’ll never fucking see his face again.” His body is shaking slightly against mine and I can almost hear his heart pounding an anxious rhythm. I bite my lip in worry that these recollections are already taking a toll. I hug my arms around his middle in a silent show of support.
After a few moments, Xander picks up where he left off. “Over there, in the middle of the fucking desert, your reality is warped. It is a completely different dynamic and it’s tough to explain. You bond through experience and quickly learn to rely on them. After several months of dull repetition in horrible conditions, the mood around camp was pretty giddy because new orders came through that we were getting pulled out in a few weeks. Of course, there would be several stops in between. Depending on your situation, you either head home or ship out to the next mission. I hadn’t signed my reenlist papers. By that point, I was ready to come home to you.” About halfway through, Xander tips his head to the side so he can be closer to me. I close the gap by leaning up to place a delicate kiss on his lips. This man is ripping me apart and I freaking love it.
I pull back after a few beats so we won’t get too off track. The affection shining from his glossy irises makes me swoon. I bring my palm up to cup Xander’s scruffy jaw before running my fingers through his coarse beard. He moans in pleasure and the noise almost has me rethinking the direction our morning is headed. I scratched my nails along his skin a few more times before tucking my hand under his shoulder again.
Xander understands that’s his cue to continue. “This is where shit gets fucked up. Bear with me during this part, yeah?”
I’m nodding before he finishes the question.
“Our typical day involved routine checks and general maintenance of the surrounding area. We were often on patrols together, which was great because no one got left behind. The town we were stationed in was a non-hostile area so there shouldn’t have been a risk. We were fortunate to be away from active fighting and combat zones. We passed through that small community several times a week to meet with our civilian allies. They were our ears and eyes on the streets, just in case a gang got ballsy and tried to riot. We were just there to ensure the peace was being kept, which pissed off a lot of locals. By this time, most of the serious fighting was over but sometimes a rebel group would strike.
“On this particular day, it was my turn to talk with our sources. Everyone else planned to move forward and I’d meet them at the checkpoint a block away. As soon as I got out of the truck, I had a funny feeling. People always say that when something horrible is about to happen but for me it was true. This fucking gut instinct. There was no indication or intel of a threat at our usual stop so I went along with protocol. I’d completed the same damn recon countless times so I shook off the bullshit feeling.
“That was the biggest mistake of my life. We never saw it coming, Willow. One minute, my brothers were alive and fucking well. Collins was smiling at me while telling me to hurry up, which was so fucking typical. They were all joking around and being a bunch of idiots. I remember laughing with them and thinking life ain’t too bad.
“The next, there was a catastrophic blast that rocked the fucking ground I’d been standing on. I had just started moving toward the building when the Humvee soared through the air like a fucking rocket. My buddies were screaming, bleeding out, and fucking dying, while I lay in the fucking dirt unable to move. I was in and out of consciousness but I tried so fucking hard to reach them. My brothers were taking their last breaths and I didn’t do a damn thing to help them.
“I have no clue how long I was trapped in that somewhat lucid state but it couldn’t have been long. Soon enough shit went black and the next time I woke up, I was in the fucking hospital with no memories. Zero. I was stuck in this fucking limbo because I couldn’t recall a damn thing. I was surrounded by strangers that didn’t fucking understand what the hell was wrong with me.
“My physical injuries were really significant so I couldn’t fucking move. I was stuck in a bed for weeks before they let me up on my own. Even then, I was under constant surveillance. Apparently, I was a serious flight risk and a threat to myself, like a fucking loon.” Xander was spitting the words like venom. I rubbed along his scalp in an attempt to soothe him.
After taking a few deep breaths, he kept going. “I’m still bitter about all that medical bullshit. I spent months balancing on the edge of sanity while trying to recall anything from my life before I became a blank slate. It was torture, Willow. I didn’t think it could get much worse, until one random day, the visions began swooping in. The images were exact replicas of that day, over and over. Similar to echoes but out of fucking nowhere. Once that started, I was begging for the ignorant numbness to return. I couldn’t fucking concentrate without hearing voices. If someone touched me, I went berserk. The doctors tried to talk to me, but I wasn’t fucking interested in their bullshit. The hallucinations haunted me constantly and slowly started driving me crazy. It was fucking hell and I couldn’t stand it.” Xander’s tone is coated with so much disdain that a shudder rolls through me.
With a grunt, Xander continues. “Eventually I was able to create a version of normal that the doctors and authorities accepted. It was fucking bogus since I was wracked with nightmares nonstop. I couldn’t handle being stuck in that place another day though and I was desperate. I was transferred to a military base in Maryland for additional debriefing and mandatory therapy. More intensive shit that I didn’t want to deal with but faked my way through it. After several weeks, I was finally given the all clear and honorably discharged. They thanked me for my service and explained how vital my time in the army was. It didn’t feel like the right thing but I took off without a backward glance.” Xander growls as his teeth grind down hard. He yanks at his hair while clenching his jaw before he’s ready to tell me the rest. My heart and mind are sobbing in sorrow for him. I clutch one of his tight fists with my hands before bring it to my lips for a soft kiss. I can only hope he hears my silent support.
“I hitched any ride I could find to reach Minnesota. I didn’t have a plan other than getting the fuck away from society. I stumbled on this cabin by accident and the owner was more than willing to rent it out. Pretty positive no one has lived here in years but I didn’t require anything fancy. I moved in almost two months ago, right around the year anniversary of the ambush. I was really fucking glad to be alone but I almost didn’t survive that night.”
“Since then, I’ve kept to myself out here. I was plagued with thoughts of my fallen brothers and how I should have died with them. They were my fucking team and I deserted them by staying alive. I didn’t feel deserving of life so I caved to the constant destruction and debilitation my mind put me through. Just what I thought I wanted, until you showed up.” He clears his throat nervously before shifting his gaze from the ceiling to my face.
His eyes scour into my soul as he waits for my reaction but I need a quick minute to compose myself. I am stunned speechless after everything he just revealed. Xander has openly communicated with me about the worst year of his life and I’m freaking gutted with misery. I’m overcome by gut-wrenching agony as I envision everything the love of my life went through. Everything in my body pangs with deep-seated hurt as though I’m physically wounded by his story. I had no clue about the heavy weight of grief he has been dragging around for so long or the daily battles Xander fights with his mind.
This is beyond belief and once again I find myself wishing I could have been with him through all of this. My soul was slashed with how distant we’d become and I found myself frequently calling out to Xander in my dreams. Maybe this was a huge part of that. Secretly I knew he was suffering and I should have been by his side. I’m so freaking thankful that we are together through this now.
He should have been done with combat after leaving the military but he was still waging war daily. I feel so grateful that he chose me.
My heart bleeds for this man, my sweet friend and passionate lover. I cried the entire time Xander was talking but thankfully it didn’t seem to distract him. He survived such a horrific incident and he hates himself for it. To be the only remaining individual from such a tight knit group would be devastating.
Xander has so much contempt for himself and actually thinks he should have died too. My soul is weeping for it’s other half, which makes my chest feel like caving in. My eyes burn and my head is spinning. I’m worn out from slamming through a spectrum of emotions. I try to collect my thoughts and formulate words so I can give Xander the response he deserves.
“I can’t tell you enough how proud I am of you, Xander. Not only for what you accomplished during your time in the service, but more importantly for coming back alive. If you weren’t here right now, I wouldn’t have you in my arms. We would have never confessed the love between us. I would have lived my life without you and that would’ve slowly continued to break me. You have brought true happiness back into my bland existence and for that, I am so blessed. We have each other again, Xander. Thank you for making your way back to me.” I almost don’t finish my declaration before the emotion takes over.
Tears slide down my heated cheeks but I’m beyond the point of caring. This man has given me everything so I won’t hide from him. Xander swipes a few errant streaks away before placing a gentle peck on my pouty mouth. He hums deep in his throat, which says so much without uttering a syllable. When he leans back, I’m shocked for an entire different reason.
A genuine smile is cracking his stony exterior and lifting his usually flat lips. Xander’s grim demeanor vanishes with this display of joy. My breath hitches and fire floods my veins as I continue soaking this rarity in.
Don’t get me wrong, Xander has always been an extremely attractive male specimen, but his surly attitude could be slightly off-putting when he never flashed a grin. The sullen Grizzly Adams look really works for him though and adds to his overall appeal. Throwing this smirk into the mix is totally lethal and potent. I don’t stand a freaking chance. My mouth hangs open in shock as my cheeks heat to a furious degree. He must find my stunned stupor hilarious because he actually releases a hint of a laugh. That tiny chuckle is catastrophic to my lady bits and does funny things to my heart. As if the smile wasn’t sexy enough.
Cheese and rice.
Xander doesn’t spend much time focusing on my reaction before circling back to the original topic. “So, the beard started as camouflage but morphed into laziness. I didn’t care that I was still breathing, much less what I looked like. Maybe now is the time for a shave. What do you think? Will you help me, Wills?” The delight shining from his eyes is dazzling.
“Abso-freaking-lutely. Especially if you keep smiling. Where are the hedge clippers?”
He snorts at my choice of words and giddy butterflies erupt in my belly. I realize my Xander has been here the entire time, I’ve just finally rediscovered him.