I’ve been awake since dawn cutting up a tree that fell from the storm last night. Thankfully the weather cleared up so I could get some work done. Splitting wood is one of the only ways I can get my mind to shut down for a while. The repetitive motions of the menial task keep me occupied enough to quiet the chaos lurking inside. With the first swing of my axe, I can feel my thoughts calm and I easily settle into an effortless rhythm.
After pushing my body for hours, I am soaked with sweat and utterly exhausted. Usually I would keep going until I couldn’t move but today there is a certain someone distracting me from going that far.
How in the hell am I supposed to face Willow after what I did last night? I’m such a pervert. It had already taken all my energy to maintain eye contact with her before I blew my load all over the shack. Now I’m going to come off as an even bigger jackass when I can’t even look at her.
Why do I care?
She’s all alone in my house. Looking at my stuff, touching everything, and silently judging who I’ve become in her absence. She’s letting her intoxicating scent seep into my private space. Willow is destroying the secretive existence that I’ve carefully built around myself. I’m too much of a fucking coward to admit I like it.
A whole hell of a lot.
I can’t help the growl that tears up my throat.
How did this fucking happen?
Why the fuck couldn’t she just leave me alone?
I don’t want her here, dammit!
I clench my hands into fists and bang them on my head.
Why do I have to be so fucked up?
I can’t let the darkness pull me under with Willow so close. She already thinks I’m screwed up enough as it is. I’m panting out hefty breaths that come out looking like plumes of smoke. Being a Minnesota native comes in handy with these freezing winters.
Since moving back, I’ve discovered that I enjoy the extreme temperature more than I ever remember. Feeling the frigid air bite into my heated skin is a stark relief. As the chill slowly soaks in, it complements the cold I always feel deep inside.
When I turn toward the house, I wonder what Willow is doing in there. I don’t have a lot of shit to occupy her but that girl can be entertained with a strand of yarn. It always surprised me that she could find fun in any random thing.
Maybe she’s still sleeping though, calm and compliant. I easily imagine her naked in my bed, touching herself under the covers. Taunting me with her seductive movements.
With that enticing vision flooding my mind, a memory slams into me from my previous life. Before all this shit ruined me.
I close my eyes and let the past consume me.
Going to the beach was a great way to spend a hot summer day. Witnessing Willow in a skimpy bikini was a fine sight and I always took advantage of the opportunity. Even if it was the worst type of torture. All look but absolutely no touch. It fucking sucked.
I’d been lusting after this girl for years but I’d been friend-zoned hardcore. It doesn’t help that I’d never made a move.
Willow was sprawled out on a towel next to me and I swore she was trying to kill me with what she’s wearing. Or not wearing, I should say. How is that scrap of fabric considered a swimsuit?
Practically all of her silky skin was golden from the sun and on display for everyone to see. I was going crazy trying to restrain myself from running my tongue along her toned stomach. Then gliding my fingers under the tiny triangle cups covering her plump tits. My palm was itching to feel how smooth her thigh was.
Her body was what kept wet dreams in business. Trust me, I would know.
It was weird as hell to be picturing her naked when we were sitting there, just lounging on the beach. But we seemed to be just something all the time, nothing more.
Just hanging out.
Just friends.
Just bullshit.
She gave me a shy smile and I almost creamed my fucking shorts. I bit the shit out of my cheek to keep it locked down. My dirty mind is bad enough. I don’t need to pop a stiffy and raise all sorts of speculations.
Damn though. My best friend was fine as hell.
Maybe I’d own up to my feelings and actually do something about them. Not today, but I damn well wished for it one day. Maybe soon.
I was such a wimp.
I shake off the adolescent daydream and can almost laugh at the irony. I’m still fucking chicken shit. I guess everything hasn’t changed.
I need to let go of this stupid ray of hope I seem to be holding onto. Willow and I will never be together. It didn’t happen back then and it sure as fuck isn’t happening now.
When I blink to clear my eyes, I try to rein in my emotional crap and get control of myself. I really need to stop fucking obsessing over her. That woman will be gone soon enough and I will be back to my isolated reality. Having her here was nothing more than a tiny blip on the radar. Getting rid of her is exactly what I want.
I rub at the sudden ache in my chest and wonder if all the drinking is starting to catch up to me. Might have something to do with the fact that I haven’t eaten anything yet. Getting food involves going in the house though and I’m not sure I can handle seeing Willow quite yet.
I’m such a fucking pussy.
She’s the one invading my place so there is no reason for me to be cowering outside. That damn dream is still swirling through my head and fucking with my mind. The visions were so vivid and felt so real that I’m getting half hard reminiscing.
I just need to ignore Willow and push her out the door. With that brilliant plan in place, I step onto the covered path that leads to the front porch so I can evict my unwanted guest.