As I sit on the freezing floor, cocooned in Willow’s arms, my mind is once again bogged down in warped confusion.
What the hell was that?
With Willow here, I’m constantly questioning myself and obsessing over stupid bullshit. I know this reality is far better than how I was coping alone but the twisted feelings make it difficult to settle down.
I just bawled my fucking eyes out like an inconsolable child and I couldn’t seem to stop. Once I crumbled, the despair and suffering immediately started draining out. I couldn’t turn them off. I cried and fucking cried until I felt rubbed raw. I purged all the pain I’d been harboring and I’ll admit, relief is beginning to flow inside me. I just don’t know what to do now that I openly broke down in front of Willow. She’s going to want answers that I’m not ready to give.
Willow moves a bit, which effectively reminds me of our current predicament. Not that I could ever forget. She’s trying to hide her tears for some reason. I have no clue how she could be embarrassed after the show I put on for her. If I was a better man, I would ask and not let her go on pretending she’s fine. I could take a turn offering comfort but I’m sure I’ll fuck it up.
I suddenly realize that I am naked. Willow is practically straddling me and my body is beginning to take notice. Her sinful curves are pressed up against me and in close proximity to my rapidly hardening dick. I don’t need her assuming all I want is sex, especially when she’s crying. I’ve had enough shame for today.
It physically pains me to loosen my hold and put some much needed distance between us. Willow whines in protest, which is like a knife cutting into my heart.
I try to soften the blow as I pull away. “Before this gets more awkward for me, I’m going to take a shower. We can talk when I’m done, all right?” I’m growing more uncomfortable the longer we continue sitting here.
Thankfully Willow takes my not so subtle hint and lifts herself from my lap. I try to cover myself but then realize there’s no point. I’m completely exposed but she’s already seen it all. My insanity, my scars, and my junk are on full display. The willow tree covering my arm has been hidden from her since she arrived but she clearly saw that too. She didn’t comment on the design so maybe she hasn’t figured out the meaning. I’ll have to fucking tell her soon enough regardless.
Fuck it.
I stand on shaky legs and lean against the wall to turn on the water. My skin itches and I’m feeling so fucking stressed with Willow lingering. My heart pounds as I wonder if she’s figured out the truth behind my ink. I look at her over my shoulder and catch her ogling my ass. She freezes and an obvious blush blooms on her cheeks. I can almost feel a smile forming on my lips and that freaks me out even further.
Willow’s face turns red with embarrassment and she stutters out an apology before rushing from the room. When the door clicks shut, some of the tension seeps out of me. Then I get the urge to invite her back in just to have her close.
I’m so fucked up.
She’s still in the house, idiot.
Jumping in the shower, I race through my usual routine. I’d never admit that I’m anxious when she’s out of my sight, but Willow has definitely knocked something loose. As I finish up, I try not to overthink this new level of wacked I’ve stooped to. I mop up the trickles of water trailing down my body before wrapping the towel around my waist.
As the door is ripped open, my eyes immediately seek out Willow. She’s in the kitchen searching through my sorry excuse for a refrigerator. For a moment I’m distracted by her swaying ass as she bends to check the bottom shelf. Then the guilt sets in for not thinking to offer her food sooner. As if I could forget my incompetence.
I leave her be and turn to my bedroom to get dressed. I grab the first clean clothes I find and carelessly throw them on. I casually glance around and notice how much better it looks in my house. It brings stupid ideas to my mind of keeping Willow around. We could make it work living out here together. She’s already made this place into a far better home than I ever could. My heart rate spikes at the thought of having Willow forever.
First we need to survive a full day together.
Before those thoughts take root, Willow breaks my concentration. “Do you have anything to eat other than steak and beans?” She asks as she searches through the mostly empty cabinets. Her question reminds me that I haven’t had any food since yesterday afternoon.
I mentally list the scarce options as I head toward her. “There might be some random crap in the freezer. I’m due for a delivery soon so the choices are very limited.” I rest against the table and secretly appreciate her position. She’s stretching tall to reach a can of soup and I have to suppress a groan at how fucking hot she looks.
“Random crap? Xander, you seriously need to take better care of yourself. I’m surprised you’ve survived this long.” Her voice is laced with humor but she doesn’t realize how close to truth her words are. I’ve had some very close calls but not for the reasons she’s currently insinuating.
She faces me and I shrug my shoulders. I know Willow is trying to lighten the mood but I’m not sure how to joke around anymore. It reminds me how little she knows me.
She takes my silence the wrong way, of course. “You’re not sneaking back in your shell, Xander. No way. You told me we would talk. Don’t you dare shut me out.” There is a hint of whine in her tone that I remember extremely well. I always gave in and Willow used it to get her way.
I scrub my hands over my face and try not to get frustrated. I have a feeling we will have countless misunderstandings until I can figure out how to communicate like a normal person again. This time I let the groan escape before trying to explain myself.
“I’m not going back on my word, Willow. Sometimes I don’t know what to say. As you’ve figured out, I don’t have any desire to spend time with people so my social skills are rusty. It hasn’t mattered until now. I didn’t know how to respond to your teasing.” I let out an exasperated sigh at having to admit my shortcomings again.
“Let’s eat quick and then we can take a walk. Did you find the beef jerky?”
Willow’s lips spread into a wide smile. I almost fucking sway on my feet from the sight.
“Jerky? Now you’re talking. See? Not everything has changed.” She sounds way too excited about that but at least she’s happy again.
For now.