Chapter Sixteen

Callie

We’ve looked everywhere for Beau, in all his favourite spots, called all his friends, and nothing. They say a mother just knows if her child is okay, like a sixth sense, but I feel nothing; I’m just empty inside. A horrible feeling of dread keeps washing over me. Everyone is still out searching and I feel useless sitting here trying to explain Beau to these officers who don’t know him. He’s just another face to them, but he’s my everything, the reason I try so damn hard every day to be a better person - without him I’m nothing. They try to reassure me they’ll do everything they can before they leave.

Jaynie flies through the door and tells me she got a signal from his phone, he must have turned it on to make a call; it’s some ‘find my phone’ app that kids use these days when they lose their phones. I grab my keys and follow her out to my car. Her friend who was helping her search for Beau, gives her a wave and drives away. She programs the address of his last known whereabouts into my GPS. It’s a small park close to the cemetery where my brother and Amelia are buried. She says she already looked there, but maybe she missed him. There really isn’t much close by besides a train station and the park.

As we drive in silence, I hold back my tears. Where’s my boy? What’s going through his head? If only his father and I had listened to him more, maybe he wouldn’t feel so alone. Jaynie’s nervous leg-tapping is echoing through my brain as we slowly pull up in front of the park. We decide to split up, I take the park and she’ll look at the train station.

As I wander through the park, I see kids playing on swings, all happy without a care in the world. I don’t have good memories of my son at that age, and I’m sure as hell not ready to lose him now. I approach a few mothers and ask if they’ve seen a teenage boy fitting Beau’s description, and one thinks she may have seen him about forty-five minutes ago, on his phone and sitting at the little bench over by the big pine tree. Heading towards the main road that separates the park from the train station I see them both, Jaynie and my Beau, he waves at me. When Jaynie steps off the curb, I see the car…and Beau has seen the car.

“Jaynie!” I call out and rush towards them. It all happens so fast, tyres screech, and Beau is on the ground.

“BEAU!” I scream and run to his side. He’s lying there, still, and the blood makes me dizzy, everything around me goes in and out of focus.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t see the car,” Jaynie says.

I can hear someone on the phone to triple zero

He was just standing there, he waved to me, how is this possible? I try to stand up but with a hand on my shoulder someone tells me to stay where I am, that I must be in shock. I need to be with my son, I’m not sure if I say it or think it; everything seems halfway between reality and a really bad dream you want to wake up from.

September 26th 2009

As I slowly come to, I become aware of my surroundings and the beeping noise. Why am I in a hospital bed? I must be dreaming. I open my eyes and the room is empty, I pull the wires from my body and get myself out of bed. I do a once over of my body and I have gauze taped to my wrist and a killer headache. The machines make an awful noise and a few nurses come rushing to my room.

“Miss Dean, please hop back in bed,” one of the nurses demands.

“I need to go,” I say, trying to find my clothes, I have to have clothes.

“You can’t leave,” says the man in a white coat entering the room.

“I have a son, he needs me,” I cry.

“Honey, do you remember what happened?” the older lady asks.

“Of course, I do. Billy died and it’s all my fault and that bitch just wouldn’t let me die,” I seethe, why wouldn’t she just let me die?

“You’re under suicide watch and Sasha has filled us in on what happened. Your sister would like to see you before we move you.”

“I don’t have anything to say to any of them,” I say. “I want to leave, let me leave,” I beg.

“We can't do that,” the man says.

“I can,” I say, trying to push my way through the doors. An alarm sounds and a few more men in white lab coats run our way. There’s a sharp jab and I start to feel drowsy. I’m laid back on the bed and the lights in the room keep spinning.

“I want to leave,” I say, sitting up and looking around, the room is empty and I’m still dressed in my clothes. As it dawns on me where I am, I rush from the room; I need to see Beau. My heart sinks and I feel the blood drain from my face, my son could be…I don’t even want to think it. Where is everyone? I navigate my way around and can hear people talking as I enter what looks to be a waiting room. That's when I see my family and Mickki and the other guys from Black Diamond in the corner, but no Eddie. My sister is the first to see me rushing towards her.

“Where’s Beau? Please tell me he’s okay?” Dane stands along with his wife.

“He’s in surgery and the doctors won’t tell us anything else. Brad’s trying to find out for me now.”

“Great, that piece of crap is acting like a damn hero.” I’ve never kept my hatred for that man a secret, but right now I need someone to take my anger out on and he’s a perfect target.

“He isn’t that bad,” Dane says, standing up for his friend. “He’s been a good friend to me over the years, especially when...”

“Especially when what? When I was a junkie, got my brother killed, or when I tried to kill myself? Have you ever asked yourself if he was acting out of guilt?”

“Guilt?” he questions.

“Never mind, I’m sorry, I’m just scared.” He puts his hand on my shoulder as an offer of comfort, and I turn to see Eddie standing in the doorway.

“I went back to your room and you were gone, you scared the shit out of me,” he says, taking a few strides towards me and pulling me into his arms. Instantly, I melt into his body and cry.

“It’s going to be okay,” he soothes, stroking my hair.

“It has to be Eddie, it has to be.”

“I know, I found a doctor and he said Beau is almost out of surgery. His doctor will be in as soon as he’s finished.”

“Thank you,” I whisper into his chest. The room fades away as I listen to the beating from his chest. It’s just me and him standing here, he doesn’t let go, he just stands there gently stroking my hair and telling me everything will be okay. My baby’s in there somewhere, alone, I can’t accept that everything will be okay. I don’t know how long we’ve been standing here, but Eddie whispers in my ear. “The doctor’s here.” I don’t want to look at him and see that look, the one that is trying to work out how he will tell a complete stranger their loved one didn’t make it. I’m not strong enough.

“Mr and Mrs Hart?”

“Over here,” Dane says and I can’t find the strength to say I’m his mum, me.

“This is his mum,” Eddie says.

I wait for the doctor to speak, for a dip in his tone, any giveaway of what he’s about to say.

“Beau is out of surgery and in recovery now. He’s one lucky young man and should be fine. If I could speak to his parents alone when he goes back to his room please, the nurse will let you know when he’ll be taken back.”

“Thanks Doc,” Eddie says. He moves his arms from around me and I look up at him as he takes my face in his hands, I can’t control the tears as I look into his eyes.

“Are you okay?” he says, wiping my tears with his thumbs. I nod my head before slowly leaning in, forgetting where we are and who is watching. I wasn’t sure he was worth fighting all my demons for, but here he stands, showing me the pure and selfless man he can be, and for me that’s worth fighting for. We might be in for a fight, but I’m ready to give it everything I have. As my lips touch his, he knows this is me giving my heart to him, showing him all my fears. His hands move to my hair, he slowly pulls away and rests his head against mine. “If I don’t stop I may have to take you into one of those rooms.” He makes me smile by saying something that’s so Eddie, but instead of the sound of his voice filling me with doubt, it all melts away and no longer seems to matter.

Mickki walks over to us and gives me an awkward smile. “Thanks for coming,” I say.

“Nowhere else we’d rather be. We might not know Beau, but we know you, and any girl that can make my brother pussy-whipped like this is family to me.”

“I’m not pussy-whipped,” Eddie responds, pushing his brother playfully.

“We’re going to head out. The boys want to check in with their wives, and I’m going to bleach the sex from my body and replenish the booze.”

“Okay, have fun with that,” I laugh. He and Eddie are so much alike, yet so different. It’s nice to see him around his brother, and Mickki idolises Eddie. I’m not sure he even knows, but it’s so obvious to see the love between them. It makes me think about how good Beau would be as a big brother. Shit Callie, two minutes in a man’s arms and your biological clock starts going crazy.

“What?” Eddie asks.

“Nothing,” I say, wondering if he can hear my thoughts.

“You just had this crazy look on your face,” he says, still looking at me.

“I was just thinking about Beau and how, if I wasn’t such a crap mum, I could have given him a brother who idolises him the way Mickki does you.”

“You are not a crap mum and Beau knows that,” he says.

“Does he? I mean, he disappeared today and I thought he wanted to hurt himself?”

“He called me,” he says randomly.

“Who called you?” I ask.

“Beau. Earlier, after you hung up on me. I tried to call you back and when your phone was still engaged…”

“You flew back here to tell me.”

“I was scared, he wanted me to promise to look after you and I thought maybe…I don’t know what I thought, except that I needed to get here and be with you.”

“You’re something else, you know that, right?” I say.

“I know, I’ve been telling people that since I was a kid, but no one would agree with me.”

“You’re so sure of yourself,” I joke.

“Someone has to be. Let’s make sure your pregnant sister who scares me doesn’t need something to eat, pregnant people eat lots.” I smile at him and wonder where this man has been the whole time since we met. Was I too judgemental to see him? Did I just have some notion of how much I should hate him?

A nurse comes in and says Dane and I can go in now. When I ask if Dane’s wife could come too, since she’s his mum also, she takes my hand and gives it a light squeeze. As hard as it is for me to admit, she is his mum; she was there for him when I wasn’t.

“How’s he going?” Dane asks the doctor as he walks in the room.

“He’s doing well. He had a severed femoral artery and a fractured lower extremity. He was very lucky this happened so close to the hospital; if it had taken any longer to get here, it may have been too late. I walk away from Dane and the doctor as Brad walks into the room. Beau’s doing good and that is all I care about, I’ll get Dane to fill me in on all the details later.

“I’m here baby,” I say to Beau as he starts coming to.

“I’m sorry,” he tries to say, his voice sounding dry and raspy.

“Nothing to be sorry for, you’re here now and you’re safe, that’s all that matters.”

“I love you,” he says, and I ignore the feeling in my gut that screams he’s only saying this because he has one last chance to.

November 3rd 2009

“Are you sure you’ll be okay?” my sister asks for the hundredth time.

“I’ll be fine. I’ll watch TV and chill.”

I spend another ten minutes reassuring her that I am, in fact, an adult and can look after myself for a few hours.

“I love you, Cal,” she says and the look in her eyes breaks my heart. I can’t stay here and watch her worry about me. There’s only one place I can go and make all the worries disappear, I only know one lifestyle that can make me forget.

“I love you, too,” I say and I know it will be for the last time. I’ve dragged her down for too long, her and Beau don’t need me around. It’s for the best if I just go back into the hole I crawled out of.