Chapter Twenty-Four

Callie

Callie,

I can’t even begin to imagine the immense pain you’re experiencing, losing a child would have to be the worst thing any parent would ever have to endure. I wanted to be strong for you and be the one next to you to support you. I realised that’s what I wanted and not what you needed. I know you well enough to know that when you come back from last night you’ll hate yourself and that I haven’t been strong enough to stop you going back to your past demons, and if I’m honest I don’t know if I could be. I’m barely strong enough to keep myself afloat. Maybe you were right when you said we were toxic for each other, one night of pain and we both fall back into old habits. I don’t regret spending the night with you and know I’ll always be there for you. If you come out of this and think for even a second that we could be on the right side of wrong, call me. You’ve brought the light back into my life and for that I’m eternally grateful. You’ll always have a place in my heart. You’re special Callie and destined for great things, I hope that one day you can see your worth once again. Find the strength to do amazing things, because without you walking into my life I don’t know where I’d be, you changed my life and made me see I can be the man I wanted to be and not let my addiction dictate who I am. Only I can write my future, a future I hope you’ll be part of. Please don’t feel like I’ve ditched you and ran away, that was never my intention; I only want great things for you. This is the start of your next journey and it’s best if you’re not dragged down by my demons as well as your own. I love you and can’t wait for the world to see your smile again.

Please don’t panic, when I said ‘I got you’ I meant it. I knew you wouldn’t agree to this willingly, but please trust that this is from the goodness of my heart and I didn’t know how else I could help. Delilah is there and Olivia should be arriving as soon as she can. At least wait until you talk to her before you make any decisions.

-Eddie

Two Months Later

“Clearly, I have not taken the diary writing very seriously. I no longer want to feel anything good,” I say to Molly, who is looking at me through her oddly huge glasses. I wonder if she even needs them or if they’re just a fashion statement.

“It’s been two months Callie, we need to try something,” she says.

“By all means, if this is too hard for you, quit.”

“I would, but it’s hard to say no to Eddie,” she says and I laugh, she really is out of options if she’s having to use Eddie.

“Wow, you’re really going to pull the ‘Eddie’ card?” I say, throwing her stupid diary off the table. “FUCK YOU!”

“See, you actually feel something,” she says.

“And was this some master plan? I hate to break it to you, but Eddie isn’t my problem. Yes, I love him, but so what. He is a rock star, I’m a nobody who has a shit history and a really shit existence. When you wake up every fucking day feeling numb, and the only thing stopping me from walking into the bathroom and trying to neck myself is the fact that maybe, just maybe, the last few years I’ve redeemed myself enough that when I go I’ll see Beau again, how stupid is that? I don’t believe in anything after everything I’ve been through, but that thought gives me hope.”

“It’s not stupid, it’s hope, maybe just enough to barely get through each day, but with every day you get through you’ll learn to live again.”

“What if I don’t want to live again, just exist?”

“Existing is still living Callie, and that’s progress. Have you considered calling him?”

“Why? He doesn’t need to be burdened by me, he never asked for this.”

“Shouldn’t he get to make that choice?” Molly says, looking at me with so much hope in her eyes.

“He never wanted me around in the first place and this would make things so much worse for him, his letter said it all,” I say. Molly has seen the letter. She thinks it needs to be taken literally and I think it’s just excuses to make himself feel better about going back to the life he had before me. He never wanted to be clean and I’m sure she’s blinded by him, he has a way with women that’s for sure.

“Things change, people change, and sometimes for the better. We can talk more tomorrow.”

“Sure, I still won’t change my mind. I need to do this alone this time around,” I say, turning and walking towards the door.

“Hey, Callie?” Molly calls. I turn back to face her and she throws my diary towards me, giving me just enough time to catch it. “Writing your feelings down may help you see things differently.” She smiles and turns her back to me, putting some papers in her bag.

Walking through the door, I’m hit with the aroma of something mouth-watering. One of the upsides to staying here is Delilah is here. At first I thought Eddie kept her here to spy on me, but I’m starting to think he honestly wanted her out of his house so he could party and not feel guilty. She’s the one person who he actually listened to on occasion.

“What smells so good?” I ask, sneaking up behind her.

“Oh, Callie dear, you scared the living daylights out of me,” she says. “I made some choc chip bikkies, we need to get some weight back on you.”

“I have plenty of weight on me, look at me from behind.”

“You have an ass women would kill for, but you’re still too skinny. Look at how bony you are, and don’t forget the doctor is coming today to give you a check-up.

“I won’t forget. I might take a few of these to go, though. I have some diary writing to do, apparently it will help me make sense of things.”

Taking a small plate of biscuits and a glass of milk, I head upstairs to my room.

Dear diary,

Does anyone even start a diary with Dear Diary? What am I, twelve? I don’t know what I should write, but maybe I should start at the beginning. I have been here for two months, and I don’t know why I’m still here. Maybe because here I’m not accountable for my own actions, maybe I don’t want to face the real world. The first day I woke up here, there was a tantrum; I didn’t want help or to be saved. Once again I thought Eddie was just throwing his money around. I refused to get out of bed for about a week, and when I did wake up and start coming out, thanks to Oliva, I just felt terrible. My grief was just festering inside me. Seeing Molly has helped me, and even though she’s a pain in the ass and plain weird, I have become used to her being her. I’m still not sure about this diary crap. I won’t read this again and how does someone explain losing a child or live with that. What’s the point, three innocent people have been taken from this world too early and I would give anything to have taken their place. So, I guess for today my feelings are anger and grief, and uncertainty about how I’ll move forward with my life because I can’t stay here forever.

Peace out, Callie

I put the book on my bedside table, not feeling any different. I do something I’ve not thought of doing in a long time, I retrieve my mobile phone from my top drawer. Turning it on, the sound of messages starts dinging. I can’t face them right now, but I need to make a call. I click off the messages once the phone stops making noises and hit dial, my heart feels like it may explode.

“Hello?” A familiar voice says.

“Hey, it’s Callie. I need to see you.”

“Sure, when is good for you?”

“Anytime, I’ll message you the details,” I say.

“I know where you are, I’ll be there tomorrow.”

“Sounds good,” I say and the call ends. I don’t know where else to turn. I switch off the phone and throw it back in the drawer, instantly regretting what I’d just done.

I pace the floor and my palms are sweaty. I know Sasha’s here. I asked her to come and I’m actually nervous. I decide to sit in the kitchen at the table. Delilah walks into the room, followed by Sasha.

“I’ll leave you two ladies alone. The bikkies are on the table and the kettle has just been boiled. I’ll be in the garden if you need me.” Delilah says, walking out the sliding doors leading from the kitchen to the patio area.

“Thank you for coming,” I say as Sasha sits opposite me.

“I know we’ve had our differences Callie, but you’ll always be family to me.”

“I won’t beat around the bush as to why I asked you here, I need to know how you did it after Amelia died. I’m afraid to really cry and break down, because once I do I don’t think I’ll be able to stop. I rebelled and relapsed because it was easier than crying. I don’t mean a little cry, because I have done that, but I feel like I should cry more. It’s been two months, I should still cry, right?”

“Not everyone grieves the same way, it doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It took me a long time to realise that even though I miss Amelia every single day, and the ache never goes away, that it’s okay to be happy. It doesn’t mean I have forgotten her, because she’s still very much a part of my life. It may be a happy memory that makes me smile or when someone laughs and it reminds me of her. As the days went on, I stopped holding onto the suffocating feeling inside and allowed myself to miss her through the good times.”

“I hate waking up every day, it’s the worst kind of sad because I feel nothing. My world has just ended and I don’t cry, I don’t hear, I don’t see, I don’t feel, I just lie there and I feel my heart die a little more. I need it to stop, because I don’t know how much one person’s heart can take before it stops beating altogether.”

“I can’t tell you how to feel, but I know Beau would want you to be happy, the same as Amelia would have wanted me to be happy. Those two were so much alike; they’d light up a room when they walked in, their laughs were infectious, and they made you feel warm inside just knowing they loved you. This world sucks when it takes people like them, but you know what, they loved us and we had the pleasure of loving them. It may have only been for a short while, but I wouldn’t take back any of the love. When I feel the pain I remember her love, her laugh, the way she rubbed her nose against mine when she woke up in the morning. Making myself think about those things in the bad moments turned into happy memories and they outweighed the guilt and grief. I know you hold a lot more guilt over your past, but find something.”

“He used to message me every morning to say he loved me and I know he loved me, but it was his way of checking on me. His second message was always asking if I’d had breakfast yet and that coffee was not breakfast, he was the most caring person I knew.”

“See?” she says.

“See what?” I question.

“For that spilt second you smiled, your heart was repaired a fraction. It may break again at a quicker rate than you can repair it, but I promise that will change.”

“Maybe you’re right. Thank you, I knew you’d be able to help.”

“You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for, and you deserve to have a happy life.”

“I…”

“Don’t make excuses, he misses you.”

“I love him Sasha, but we’re a mess and we’d destroy each other.”

“Or maybe you’re chicken-shit and you’re sabotaging your one chance at happiness. I’ve known Eddie for a while now, and he’s a train wreck at the best of times, but since meeting you Mickki says he’s actually acting like a human again, and what he’s done for you was huge.”

“What? Dumping me in a house with Delilah and a shrink?”

“Callie, he bought you this house, and Delilah is here because she asked to be here with you. He knew what you needed to get through this wasn’t him. He wanted to be the one who could help you like you helped him, but he knows you’re different and you needed this.”

Does this change anything, do I want this to change anything?