Chapter Twenty

Callie

The pain is worse than anything I’ve ever felt before in my life. I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest and the life sucked from my body, and the gnawing feeling inside is screaming at me. I lie in bed as the pain takes over. At least the pain is a reminder to not let my demons take control, because if they do there will be no coming back from that. I can’t sleep, because every time I do I’m woken by screams from somewhere deep inside that scare me. Every night when he comes into my room, he must think I’m asleep. He never tries to wake me, he just gets a spare pillow and blanket from my closet and sleeps on the floor. Sometimes he sings to me softly and other times I hear him tell me everything will eventually be okay, but I hear the doubt in his voice every time he says it and that makes me think that maybe he’s trying to reassure himself. It’s been days since I’ve left my room. Delilah brings me food and leaves it on a bench in my small lounge room with a note, usually a small quote or words of wisdom. Today is no different. It says, you’ll never know your strength until being strong is the only choice you have left. The notes have been random and I usually throw them away, but today the words keep playing through my head. To me, my life ended the day Beau’s did, how do I come back from that? The world outside has moved on and people are going about their lives. Maybe that’s what I need to do, go through the motions as if my life is carrying on and I might find some kind of strength to push through each day, because each day that passes is a day closer to it being over. Finishing the meal Delilah made, I make my way to the shower. Maybe I won’t find this so-called strength today, but I can do everything in my power to make sure Eddie doesn’t lose his. I know he’s going through something personal and that he doesn’t want me to know about it or burden me with it. I also know he’s made so much progress since we met, and although he may think the worst is over, he’s only been clean for months and had next to no temptations. What does he think will happen when he goes on tour again and all the women, drugs, and drinking are thrown at him full force?

Walking from the shower, I hit the speed dial on my phone for Olivia.

“Hey Cal, I haven’t heard from you in a while,” she says. I know she wants to ask how I am, and it isn’t like her to beat around the bush.

“I’m fine, Liv. Is there a meeting I can bring Eddie to today?”

“A meeting for Eddie? Sure, bring him to the meeting at six,” she replies.

“Thanks, and hey, we’ll catch up next week for a coffee.”

“Sounds good, see you tonight,” she says. Picking up my watch off the dresser, I see it’s already four-thirty. I’d better make sure Eddie is home and ready to leave. Once I’m fully dressed, I make my way through the house to his studio, as I get closer I can hear Eddie and Mickki arguing about something. I knock on the door and they both turn to look at me, Eddie smiles and Mickki says they’ll continue this later before storming past me. They remind me of Jules and me when we fight.

“What was that all about?” I ask, walking into the room to be closer to him.

“Oh nothing, just a brotherly disagreement about some work stuff,” he says, pulling me to his body. We haven’t had sex yet, and I’m not exactly sure if we are together, but he’s been by my side through everything with Beau and I wouldn’t blame him if he wanted to walk away from us. “Hey, what’s that look for?”

“I was just thinking how amazing you have been, and that I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t want there to be an us or if that’s even possible…”

“Let’s get one thing straight, Callie Dean. There is an US and there is nothing you could say or do that will scare me off, not even these awful clothes you insist on wearing.”

“What is wrong with my clothes?” I protest.

“Nothing, if you were sixty,” he says, trying not to laugh. “You have a rockin’ body under all these clothes.” He pulls up my shirt and I slap his hands away, tucking my shirt back into my skirt.

“You need to get ready,” I say.

“For what? I have no plans for tonight.”

“We’re going to a meeting,” I say, half-expecting him to kick up a stink like he has before every other meeting. This time he doesn’t, he just says he’ll have a shower and meet me in the kitchen. He playfully slaps my ass as I walk from the room. When I turn to look at him, he just smiles and says, “I have a girlfriend and I like to slap her ass.” Then he runs away.

I pace back and forth in the foyer waiting for Eddie, Damien stands by the wall watching me. I know Eddie’s told all his staff to keep an eye on me, but he really doesn’t need to worry, I’m not as fragile as everyone thinks I am. Am I sad? Yes. Lost? Just a bit. Worried everything could crumble around me? Maybe, but I don’t need to be babysat like a child. Being sober is important to me, but if I want to go back to how I used to be that is my decision. I won’t ever feel like I’m a burden to anyone ever again, and I need everyone to realise that.

“Eddie!” I call out.

“Jesus, woman, I don’t think the rest of the neighbourhood heard you,” Eddie says, walking down the stairs.

“Well, hurry up. I hate being late and we have to make sure there are no crazies waiting for us,” I say, looking at my watch again as the seconds tick over and we get closer to being late.

“That isn’t a nice way to refer to my fans,” he laughs and I see Damien shake his head. Both men follow behind me as I walk outside.

I turn back to Eddie and say, “They’re all completely sane? How about the vile of blood you received? I’m sure all your fans are that dedicated to the band. Maybe we’d better stop on the way home so I can contribute to the satanic rituals…” I’m cut off by Eddie pulling me into his arms and his lips crushing against mine; I instantly forget about whatever smart comment I was about to say.

“Going to be late,” Damien coughs under his breath.

I pull from Eddies embrace and get into the back of the SUV.

“Don’t be jealous, Shan will be back in a few days,” Eddie says to Damien as they both slide into their seats.

“There isn’t anything going on with Shan and me,” Damien replies, but Eddie continues to taunt him. When we arrive at the NA meeting there aren’t any crazy fans or cameras flashing in our faces. I haven’t picked up a paper since Beau died, I didn’t want to see what ridiculous headlines they’d come up with. I’m sure they dug up my past and could just imagine it now – ‘Eddie Diamond and Callie Dean the next Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love’ or some reason linking Beau dying to my past with drugs.

Olivia is standing in front of a small group as we walk in; Damien waits outside and gives us some privacy. Olivia welcomes everyone and goes through all the usual things, today she asks Eddie to start and I know the poor guy doesn’t like being put on the spot. Eddie stands without hesitation, which is unusual since he normally tries to avoid talking.

“Um…I’m Eddie. I know I should keep track of how long I’ve been sober, but so much has happened I’ve lost track. I have an amazing woman in my life who gets me; I don’t have to explain how I’m feeling, she just knows. We’ve suffered a personal loss and now I don’t know how to fully support her sobriety. I worry that if I mess up while she’s at her weakest that I’ll drag her down with me, so I suppose that’s made me feel stronger. I’m the man and I need to be strong for us both.” Eddie pauses and I look up at him with tears in my eyes; I didn’t know he felt this way and I love him so much more for it. “When we first met, she thought together we’d be toxic for each other, but I hope that together, even with double the temptation and demons, we can conquer them together as a team. So, you could say I don’t add the days together and keep track of how many days it’s been, I just see tomorrow as another day to prove I can be the man she deserves, because she’s more important to me than she even knows or will ever give herself credit for.” As he finishes and takes his seat beside me, I slip my hand in his and lean into his side. My heart hurts for him that he feels like he has to stay strong for me, yet he doesn’t realise it’s me who needs to be strong for him, because he’s never seen me at my worst and I would be the one dragging him down. I’m not sure he would still feel the same about me if he knew half of my past and maybe now is as good a time as any to let him see me. Olivia asks if anyone else would like to share, I raise my hand and stand.

“Hi. My name is Callie and I’ve been sober for just over five years and four months, and it would have been about this time that I received the news that my niece had died; I know that was the defining moment that made me realise I needed to be sober. Causing my brother’s death because I was an addict wasn’t enough to get me sober - it made me try to commit suicide, having my son taken from me because my addiction became real to his father wasn’t enough, but I decided that day to get help. I didn’t even know where to look for help but, call it fate or coincidence, that was also the day I met Olivia and it’s never been easy, I fight an uphill battle every day. Every morning, when I force myself to shower, I avoid seeing myself naked because the scars are reminders of a life where I hated myself so much. I always wondered why I was such an awful person—abandoning my child, lashing out at my sister when all she wanted to do was help, sleeping with my husband’s best friend—I’ve done so many hurtful things that I can’t take back or ever begin to make up for. The only thing that kept me sober from that day was seeing the love in my son’s eyes that next day when I went to see him before starting my journey to get my life back on track. Beau was taken from me again last week and I wish it was by his father because I relapsed, because at least I’d know he was still here. But he isn’t and I’ve found myself questioning the reasons I should stay sober. There’s a lady that barely knows me and she’s sent me notes every day. One of them said ‘we never know the strength inside ourselves until we have to be strong’ and that’s what I’ve decided to do every day, just find the strength to get me through the day. Right now, that’s the tiny life line I have holding me together.”

I look at Eddie, expecting him to run or see the pity that everyone else has when they hear my story, but I can’t read him, I don’t know what he is thinking. After we say our goodbyes to Olivia and we’re back in the car, I’m glad today is almost over.

“Thank you for sharing your story,” Eddie says.

“I was worried that if I showed you my weakness you’d want to run away as fast as you could.”

“Callie, there’s nothing you could do that could scare me away. If anyone should be worried it’s me, because my demons are enough to scare myself away.”

“Don’t we just make the perfect couple?” I say.

“I think so, we’re both just fucked up enough to complement each other,” he says. We don’t speak for the rest of the way back to the house. He has to drop me off and go meet up with Mickki; they’ve been acting strange around each other lately. I thought maybe it was because of me, or Mickki being wary since Eddie didn’t deal with Amelia’s death well and maybe Beau had brought up memories, but I get the feeling it’s something really serious and I don’t know if I should ask or wait until he wants to tell me.