Chapter Eighteen

Callie

They say that before you die, your life flashes before your eyes, but what about that feeling you get when it’s your child? Then what if it’s a child you’ve missed out on so much with because you couldn’t get your life on track? Sliding down the wall facing his room, which the doctors made me leave, I’m holding the phone to my ear as I watch the door, hoping and praying he’s okay. What if he isn’t okay? “What if he isn’t okay, Eddie…I can’t breathe…”

“Just breathe, listen to the sound of my voice, I will be there soon,” he reassures me. I breathe in slowly as I listen to his voice. “Do you know the Counting Crows?” I can’t answer, the words refuse to form and my throat feels like it’s closed over. He must understand and softly starts singing Mr Jones. He keeps singing and my breathing evens out. I’m not sure how many songs he sings before he’s standing in front of me, it’s hard to miss his boots. He doesn’t speak, he just sits down beside me, takes my phone, and pulls me into his body. I want to believe my body and the way it feels in his arms, all my fears just melt away until my brain catches up and reminds me why we are here sitting like this. Dane comes at some point and I hear the vibrations from Eddie’s chest as he talks, but the words are lost to me. My body hurts, my addiction trying to claw its way through my skin, it’s not a feeling you would know unless you’ve ever been addicted to something. Almost as if it’s crawling through my veins. Tick, tick, tick, tick. The clock on the wall keeps ticking away, time keeps moving on, yet I feel like I’m frozen in a moment and maybe none of this is real. A doctor walks into the waiting room and asks for Dane and I to follow him to his office. This must be bad news right, where they take you to tell you in private so you don’t break down in front of everyone. Like a robot, I follow behind the men, one leg in front of the other. Step, lift, step, left.

“Please, take a seat,” he says, gesturing towards the seats. His office is cold, almost as if he only comes here to tell people bad news.

“Please, just tell me how my son is?” I ask and Dane takes my hand and squeezes it.

“Beau had a blood clot in his brain and suffered a major stroke. We’ve done everything we can, but he’s on life support and awaiting further testing.” My heart sinks.

“He’ll be okay though, right?” Dane asks and I stare at the doctor, feeling devoid of all emotions.

“At this stage, it’s too early to tell. We have the best doctors here and we’ll give you answers as soon as we have them.”

“No, it’s not true. He was fine, we were talking, and he can’t just be on life support. How does this happen?” I say.

“Doc, just give it to us straight…what’s the possibilities here?” Dane asks.

“He’s in a coma, so now we test for brain activity and go from there. We hope everything goes back to normal, he could have slight brain damage or there might be nothing more we can do. It’s too early to say. I’m sorry I haven’t been any more help.”

“Thank you, we’ll see ourselves out.”

I don’t remember much from the last four days, except the doctors saying he had a blood clot in his brain. Now he’s hooked up to all these tubes, and doctors have been coming and going running tests. Eddie hasn’t left my side and being in his arms is the small amount of relief my body gets. I’m grateful he’s here, because my first urge when I was told was to get a drink, that just one would make it all disappear. How can everything be fine and then just turn to shit? This is all my fault, he wouldn’t be in this situation if I’d been a more stable influence in his life. I look at Eddie, his head resting on my shoulder, and tuck his hair behind his ear; even when he sleeps his monsters show on his face.

“Sorry,” he says, sitting up.

“Don’t be, you should go and get some sleep. I’ll still be here when you get back.”

“I won’t be going anywhere; if you’re here, so am I. I was serious when I said I want to show you how serious I am about being a better man, a man you deserve.”

“You are a good man, I’m lucky to have you. Not many men would stick around, especially famous rock stars,” I say, trying to lighten the mood a little.

“I’m famous?” he says. “Shit, does anyone else know?” He looks around the room. I slap him in the chest and he laughs at me, even though he smiles, it doesn’t mask the pain. We both know it.

“What will I do if he doesn’t wake up? I don’t know if I can come back from that.”

“I’ll find a way to hold your head above the water, I promise,” he says and I know he’s being sincere, but I don’t know if he could do that.

“Callie, Beau’s doctor is here to talk to us,” Dane says, walking into the room. He’s followed by the doctor, who closes the door behind himself.

“I’ll wait outside,” Eddie says, standing from the seat beside me.

“Stay, please?” I say, pulling his arm down so he sits again.

“As you know, we’ve run numerous tests and had doctors here to give second opinions,” the doctor says.

“Second opinions?” I ask.

“Yes, Mr Diamond requested we get the best in for another opinion on our findings before we spoke to you. He ran it past Mr Hart first.”

“You did that for us?” I ask Eddie.

“I would do anything for you and I didn’t want Beau to have to wait for the best care. I don’t mean this to brag, but I have money and would spend it all right now to get you answers,” he says.

“Their findings were the same as ours, and I’m truly sorry, but he has no brain activity….” Everything goes blurry and my throat closes over, I can’t listen to this… Running from the room, I need air. I don’t know how I found my way out, but even the fresh air doesn’t help me catch my breath.

“Why him? Why not me? Surely I’ve done enough bad things in my life that you’d take me first!” I yell, looking to the sky. I’m not religious, but why not me. Twice I’ve defied death, twice.

“Callie,” Eddie says, touching my shoulder.

“Why didn’t he take me?” I sob.

“I don’t know, I wish I had some answers for you,” he says, taking me in his arms and squeezing me as I cry.

“They have to be wrong, he’s still in there somewhere.”

“I had the best flown in; the doctor says all that you can do now is say goodbye.”

“I don’t want to say goodbye, I can’t say goodbye.”

How do you say goodbye to someone who can’t say it back? How do you say goodbye to your baby forever? It’s not ‘goodbye, I’ll see you in a few days,’ this is permanent. Eddie walks with me back up to Beau’s room. Dane is crying and Jaynie is just blank, expressionless. I stand beside Beau’s bed and look at him, he looks like he’s sleeping. I close my eyes tight and take a deep breath in; maybe, just maybe, if I try hard enough I’ll wake up from this horrible dream. When I slowly open them, he’s still there. “What happens now?” I ask Dane.

“When we’re ready they will take him.”

“Take him? Where will they take him?” I ask.

“To donate his organs,” Jaynie says. “Beau’s had it all planned for a while, he recorded his wishes for you both,” she says, taking a laptop from her backpack. “You can watch it when you’re ready.”

“His wishes, what wishes?” I ask. I feel like I’ve been left in the dark and I’m lost.

“He’s always been set on the fact that he would die. A few months ago, he started acting really weird. As you know, he had tests done and when he came back healthy he knew he’d be gone suddenly. He has all his funeral plans done, his wishes to donate his organs—everything is in the video,” she says. That’s when I realise she was the only one who believed him, she isn’t freaking out like Dane and I because she’s had time to come to terms with it.

“I want to see it now,” I say.

“Are you sure?” Dane asks. I can see the worry in his face, he knows it and so do I. Without Beau, I won’t survive this. He lived through my downfall and I can see the relief in his eyes that this time he doesn’t have be in the crossfire. I don’t blame him. Jaynie sets up the laptop and Beau’s face appears on the screen.

“Hi Mum, Dad. I know that if you’re watching this, I’m dead.”

“Beau, say it a nicer way, your passing isn’t a joke,” Jaynie chastises him in the background of the video.

“Sorry, I’ve passed away. How do I even start to explain? I know everyone thought I was crazy, but I want to make sure everyone knows my wishes. I have all my funeral details done and I’ve kept it all low cost, I don’t want anything fancy. If you speak to Lawn at the funeral home out of town, Jaynie can explain why I want to use them, he knows what I want. That way, in your time of grief, I hope you’re grieving me.”

“Beau, stop it,” Jaynie says again from behind the camera.

“Sorry Mum. I’d like my organs donated as soon as I pass, I don’t want to be left hooked up to machines. So, if the doctors tell you I’m gone, please know that is what I want. I want people to have life because of me, a gift to another mother that her child gets to live.”

“Turn it off,” I sob and Jaynie closes the laptop. How can this be fair? Call me selfish, but he’s MY baby and I don’t want to let him go. I feel bad for those other parents, but he is mine and I can be selfish. I walk over to Beau and hold his lifeless hand. I squeeze it, praying for him to squeeze back. “Please Beau, please squeeze,” I whisper into his ear. “I can’t let you go, not now. I need to tell you I love you, how proud I am to be your mum…please,” I cry into his ear. Eddie puts his hand on my shoulder.

“I’m so sorry Callie. Dane and Jaynie have gone for a walk to give you some privacy, I’ll wait outside until you need me,” he says.

“Don’t leave me, I can’t have anyone else leave me right now,” I say, he knows why I need him to stay. He doesn’t say anything, he just sits in the big chair beside Beau’s machines as I slip into the bed beside him and hug my boy. This will be the last time I get to hold him, the last time I can stroke his head or kiss his forehead like I did when he was little. For a split second I’m angry, why my son when there are so many bad people in the world who deserve this fate, and I’m jealous that a mother gets to take her child home because my son gave them their life back, and that makes me feel terrible. Am I allowed to feel those emotions? I look over at Eddie and watch the way he looks at me, he doesn’t just look at the Callie everyone else sees, he looks right through my exterior and I feel understood; as weird as it seems, I feel like he can communicate with me with just a look. The comfort I see in his eyes, gives me a small amount of strength to say goodbye. I can only do this once, and I know that when I leave this room it’s not going to be pretty. I hope Eddie is as strong as he thinks he is, because I’m afraid he’s going to see me at my worst. There’s a knock on the door and Dane slowly walks in. He tries to give a reassuring smile, but even he can’t muster the strength to pull it off.

“Could I talk to Callie alone?” he asks and Eddie nods. I watch as he stands and walks my way, the confidence he usually radiates has left his body, his eyes are full of sadness and fear. He leans over and kisses my forehead.

“I’ll be waiting outside,” he says and leaves Dane and I alone in the room.

“We need to talk. I don’t want to rush you, or push this, but Beau was very passionate about donating his organs…”

“Can’t this wait?” I say through my tears; his organs will still be there tomorrow, however he won’t be.

“That’s the thing, a young man, not much older than Beau, needs a heart. Although the hospital can’t give me any personal details, apparently Beau made all the doctors and staff aware that this young man is to have his heart. No one knows how he knew this kid would be a match, but he is and he doesn’t have another day to live without a new heart. I want to honour his wishes.”

I don’t know what to say. If I say no, and spend a few more hours with my son who isn’t going to wake up, another mother loses her child; but if I say yes, my child won’t be here for me to touch or hold for a few more hours. Isn’t that what everyone always says they want when a loved one dies—just a few more hours? That’s when it hits me like a freight train—how would I feel if Beau needed a heart?

“Tell them I’m ready to say goodbye,” I say, my whisper barely audible.

“He would be happy you’re letting him go, Cal. Beau really was the most caring and selfless person I’ve ever met besides you, it’s where he got it from.”

“I’m far from selfless, just look at my history.”

“That wasn’t you, that was your addiction. You really are a good person, look at what you’ve done for Mr Rock Star even though I know you didn’t want to risk your sobriety.”

“Can you do one last thing for me?” I ask.

“Anything.”

“Come lay with us, just for a few minutes.” It may seem like an odd request, but I need us to say goodbye in our own way before the rest of our families come and say theirs. He manoeuvres his way onto the other side of Beau and takes my hand in his.

“We will always be a family, we will always be his parents and no one can take that away from our hearts,” he says.

“In life, he was our son; in death, he is someone’s saviour.” Our boy will live on in all the people his organs help, and knowing that gives me a sense of hope, that someone else will get to experience Beau’s heart because that is the best part of him.