Ridge

Snuggle, Talk, Kiss, Or Whatever

I pretended not to understand what Allison was feeling this morning, but I did. It was difficult to put into words, impossible really, but that experience was like no other I’ve ever had. We were one in every way possible—emotionally, physically, and even spiritually. It was intense, and I think that scared her. It scared me, too.

Every time I look at her today, it’s like there’s something new between us, a deeper connection, a secret that is ours and ours alone. I am learning that you can have different kinds of love with different people. My love for Allison provokes the most incredible intense feelings. She makes me feel alive, complete, and brave again. I haven’t felt that since before Chloe’s diagnosis.

I need to tell Allison about Chloe. I want to tell her everything about me, and I want to know everything about her—the good, the bad, the painful, and the glorious. I want to share it all.

“It looks like a storm is coming in,” she says standing by the window watching the ocean’s swell grow bigger with every wave that hits the shore. I join her sliding my arms around her waist and resting my chin on her shoulder.

“It’s going to be a big one.”

“Is it dangerous?”

“What, rain?”

“Being so close to it when it storms.”

“Close to the ocean?”

“Yes.”

“You fear of the ocean, don’t you?”

She lifts her hands to cover mine. “Yes, I think I do. I don’t know why. I’ve never had a bad experience or known anyone who has. It’s just so big and vast and powerful.”

“Kind of like what we have together.”

She twists her neck trying to see me, and I turn her in my arms, so we are face to face. “What do you mean?” she asks.

“This thing with us. It’s not an average love, it’s enormous and intense, and sometimes, like this morning, it’s scary.”

Her hands come to rest on my chest, and she lowers her eyes to them. “You don’t know how relieved I am to know you feel it, too. Every second away from you is a second I’m looking forward to being with you again.”

“I would have to be dead not to feel it, angel, and I hate the miles between us, too. When I put you on that plane to send you back to New York, it feels like I’m holding my breath until you come back to me.”

“If I tell you something, will you promise not to think I’m nuts?”

She looks up, and I tuck my chin down to see her. “I’ll give it my best shot.”

“When I feel those giant waves of passion and emotion like this morning, I start to think about losing you and how I couldn’t live if I did.”

Releasing her waist, I place my hands on either side of her face and look into her troubled eyes. “I am not going anywhere, not now, not ever. As long as you want me, I’m yours.”

“You can’t promise that. You never know what’s going to happen, and I’m emotionally drowning in you, it’s too much. What if you fall out of love with me or get in an accident, or someone more beautiful or intelligent comes along, then what? I’m left utterly heartbroken and devastated.” Tears are pooling in her eyes, and I want to do something to reassure her, but she’s right, you can’t predict the future, we never know what might happen.

“Angel, listen to me, you are a planner, a detail junkie like me. We want things to be neat, tidy, and tied up in a perfect bow, but life isn’t like that. You can’t live your life in fear of the ‘what ifs.’ You have been shouldering all of the burdens of life by yourself for so long you don’t know how to let go and enjoy it. Work and the responsibilities that come with raising a teenage boy consume you. Those things you can control, but this, what we have, you can’t.

“I learned that when my wife, Chloe, died within three weeks of being diagnosed with cancer. I was living the American dream, good job as a career Marine, a beautiful wife who loved me, and a child on the way, and then, poof, it was all gone. Losing Chloe and my baby taught me, in the harshest way imaginable, that life is unpredictable.

“You never know what’s around the next corner. All we can do is love one another as much as we can and pray for a long, beautiful life together. If it doesn’t turn out that way, I am living proof that you will go on. I thought I would never, no let me rephrase that, I refused ever to love again. That’s why living with Ash and caring for his family works for me. I live vicariously through him. I get my family without all the risk. I didn’t plan on this, on you, on us, but here you are lighting me on fire, making me feel things I’ve never felt before. That’s life, a bitch one day and an angel the next.”

“I’m so sorry about your wife and baby.”

“Me, too. She was a beautiful soul, gentle and loving, always giving and comforting those she loved. I miss her. I thought the hole she left in my heart would never heal until I met you. You are my real-life angel.”

She turns and presses her cheek against my chest hugging me tightly. “I’ll try.”

“To let go?”

“Mmm hmm. It won’t be easy.”

“It never is, but I promise to help you.”

“Thank you.”

It’s raining hard now, palm trees are being whipped back and forth, and waves are crashing on the shore in angry explosions. The direction of the wind changes suddenly, and rain is pelting the glass of the back of the house.

“We should probably get away from the window.”

“Yeah, I’m going to check on David.”

“You do that, and I’ll start dinner.” She nods and moves to the base of the stairs.

“Ridge?”

“Yes?”

“I love you. Don’t you ever forget that,” she says repeating the words I say to her so often.

I smile and pause a moment to take her in. She’s beautiful inside and out, and that’s rare these days. “I love you, too.”

“For a million years and forever?”

“Yes, for a million years and forever.”

She turns to climb the stairs and check on her brother. I make my way into the kitchen to make us something to eat and not worry about things we can’t control, like this damn storm.

Later that night after fish tacos and hours binge watching Queen of the South on Netflix with David, we are curled up in bed watching the storm. It’s calmer but still raining, and there is an occasional lightning strike in the distance that lights up the room. I love thunderstorms in Montana, the way the air smells like the earth, and the sense of rebirth when they’re over. Working the land back home is like giving and taking back— it’s an equal partnership. But storms in California feel more like punishment for the sins of humans taking too much and not giving anything back. Mother Nature’s pissed, and we just happen to be visiting during her hissy fit.

“Do you think it’ll do this all night?” she asks watching the storm.

“Maybe.”

“I can’t sleep with all that going on,” she complains.

“What should we do then?”

“Snuggle, talk, kiss, or whatever. In that order.”

“Or whatever? Now that sounds promising.”

“You can’t skip the first three. It’s a process.”

“Hmm, all right, come here.” I pull her closer to my side and squeeze her tight. Our legs slide together in a natural tangle, and she rests her face on my chest. “Okay, now we have the cuddling mastered. What was next?”

“Talking,” she giggles, and my heart swells. I love the sound of her laugh. It’s a cross between a young girl and a sexy vixen.

“What would you like to talk about?”

“I don’t know, tell me something about you that I don’t know yet.”

“I’ve shared it all with you. I’m an open book.”

“No, there has to be something.”

I sigh and think for a moment. “The baby Chloe was pregnant with was a girl. I had a daughter.” I don’t know where that came from. I don’t talk about Chloe and my baby much. She scoots back off of my chest so she can look up at me.

“Ridge, I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t mean to dampen the mood, but if you want to know a secret that’s the only one I’ve kept from you. Now you have it all.”

“I appreciate you sharing. I can’t imagine that kind of loss.”

“I hope you never have to.”

She returns to her place on my chest, and we are quiet again while we watch the storm rage outside our window.

“Your turn, tell me something about you that I don’t know.”

“Hmm, well, it’s my dream to be promoted and move into an apartment in a good part of the city.”

“I already knew that.”

“How, I’ve never told you.”

“Because nobody in their right mind would live where you live unless they were forced to.”

“Hey, that’s not nice.”

“Angel, that neighborhood is so bad I don’t even want to let you go back after this vacation.”

“It is bad, but we can handle ourselves. We’ve been doing it forever.”

“Maybe so, but that doesn’t make it any less dangerous.”

“Okay, I’m tired of the talking part. Let’s move onto kissing.”

“Avoiding the problem isn’t going to make it go away.”

She groans. “It won’t be long I hope. I have a few good stories to cover that will impress my boss and get me that promotion. If she hasn’t already given it to someone else, that is.”

“You’re still worried about her firing you because of me?”

“Not so much firing me as making my life difficult. I don’t know how hard she’s going to push me on it. She could use the promotion as a temptation, but I would never give her any of the photos I’ve taken of you or an inside scoop, never.”

A big part of me wants to believe that, but she’s worked so hard to get where she is. Having the rug pulled out from under your dreams when you’re so close can make people do things they normally wouldn’t.

I kiss the top of her head and decide to leave the topic alone. I don’t want to get into an in-depth discussion about it right now and ruin our time together.

“So? Kissing now?”

“Yes, kissing now.”

“And then whatever?” she says smiling against my skin.

“Yes, angel, lot’s of whatever.”