Pestering Possibilities
One step forward, two steps back
One question answered, two lost track
The heart weighed in on taking a chance
As he wagered his bet on war and romance
Kingston
I felt it happen.
Even though I was consciously avoiding looking at her, I felt her in every breath.
I lived the rise and fall of her being, inhaled the chaos she was experiencing deep inside, and smelled the anxiety on her sweating skin.
I hated it.
Today I no longer craved the connection that was so naturally resurrecting itself from the tomb of the past.
I wanted to forget her, to be in the same room as her and not care.
But I couldn’t.
I was a fucking imbecile when it came to her, a glutton for punishment. Nothing felt right. The person in front of me didn’t bode well for me. The equation of her existence felt fake, like a mirage.
I could feel her suffocating, her tattered energy broken beyond my own state. Was she as broken as me? She’d done this to me, but who’d done this to her in the years we’d been apart? Her complete and utter disregard of the past we shared was obvious. She looked at me like she didn’t even know me, and that fueled my rage even more. Did our past mean nothing to her?
I shook my head, disbelieving the manifestations of my hungry heart.
I’d long ago learned not to fall for the tricks I played on myself.
I fought and bravely faced reality, no matter how ugly it was. It hurt, but I’d evolved into the person I was today because of it. I still loved, I still cared, but I didn’t succumb to the illusions of love. I indulged in passion, but never surrendered to it. I kept my senses awake and lived in the moment, discarding the notions of a fictitious happily-ever-after tomorrow.
Today was the result of my actions and consequences of yesterday.
And maybe it was the same for her.
I tried to wrap my head around the idea of working alongside her.
It was a long project that required a lot of traveling and visiting different work locations. Vienna and two more of the team members would constantly be by my side for the next six months.
It was a thought that didn’t sit well with me. But I couldn’t be unfair. Her presentation proved she deserved it, and I wasn’t going to let my personal issues get in the way of business.
I just sat there fidgeting with my cuff, a shooting star studded with diamonds, a graduation gift from my grandmother. Unfortunately, I only had one of the pair and had had to get a replica made. I absentmindedly traced the contours of the unique cufflink.
Her name still had power over me.
The sensuousness of the way her name felt on my tongue made my cock ache.
I still wanted her. But I also wanted to leave her shattered just like she’d left me.
I craved punishment.
I abhorred these thought in my head.
They had no barriers.
So intensely focused on her, I knew she was going down before it happened. I shot up and caught her in the nick of time before her head hit the table’s edge.
She fell, head first into my chest, every ounce of consciousness stripped away from her body. Had it not been for her breath on my left pec, I would’ve thought she was dead.
Panic, worry, concern, fear, despair flooded my heart, like an unexpected tsunami.
I tightened my grip on her elbows.
The entire room hushed as a few gasped, seeing what had just transpired.
Damn, she was skinnier than I remembered. Much skinnier.
I shook her a little, adjusting her in my arms to get a better hold.
“Should I call 911?” a woman called out.
Mike responded before I could. “She just had a panic attack. She almost had one last week. She isn’t very comfortable around people. Don’t call 911, she doesn’t need an ambulance. Sir, if you don’t mind? I know what we need to do.”
I nodded, dubious of Mike’s claim, but followed his instructions and carefully put her limp body on the floor.
My heart ached.
This broken, vulnerable person didn’t look like the Vienna I’d once known.
Could this be real? What if something bad had happened to her that made her this way?
A million thoughts ran through my mind as I tried to decipher the person in my arms.
Her eyes were sunk deep into their sockets, faint dark circles marring the flawless rich skin she used to have. Her high cheekbones were hollow, highlighting how thin she’d become. The only familiar things were her crazy mane of curls that had escaped her bun and were falling in every direction on the carpet, and her full lips, which were gently parted.
I couldn’t stop myself as I pushed a few curls away from her face, stopping just short of caressing her..
Realizing the entire staff was standing around, I composed myself, but not before her faint and familiar smell wafted through my nose, drowning me in déjà vu.
Abruptly, I pulled back and stepped aside as Mike moved closer.
“I just called Ian. He knows more first aid than me.”
I nodded and folded my hands, tortured by uncertainty.
I hated everything about what was happening in front of me.
I hated the way Mike reached out to casually touch her, checking her pulse.
I hated how lifeless and frail her body looked.
I hated the way I still felt for her.
I hated it all.
I stood there, but rage that had long been dealt with resurfaced.
Despite my lack of a possessive streak, my anger flared as Ian arrived and grabbed her wrist to check for a pulse.
I lost it. “I don’t want experimentations in my office. It’s proper protocol to get the paramedics in here. Call 911.”
Shocked yet hiding it well, Mike nodded and grabbed his phone to make the call.
Meanwhile, I looked around. “Anyone know where her office is? Waking up somewhere more familiar might be easier on her.”
“It’s on the twentieth floor in the other building,” one of her team members responded.
There wasn’t time to take her to her office. “I need a space where she can be more comfortable. Any offices with a couch close by I can use?”
“Yes, sir, you can use Tracy’s office at the end of the hallway. She’s on maternity leave, and it’s not being used.” The same woman responded to my query while I effortlessly lifted Vienna in my arms, my heart pounding in my chest, as worry flooded my blood. I hoped she was all right.
“Okay, can you get a glass of water and walk with me? I might need your help. Mike, you call her family and ask somebody to pick her up. Ian, guide me with what the paramedics are telling us to do.”
Everyone nodded and scattered.
I started walking toward Tracy’s office.
Vienna’s slow breaths fanned through my shirt, caressing my warring heart, making it melt.
For the few minutes I held her and walked toward the office, Amy right ahead of me, I forgot the past Vienna and I had shared.
I forgot how she’d ripped my heart apart.
I forgot she was the reason for my life falling apart.
All I remembered was the beautiful illusion she’d created in my life, enticing me with her warmth and effervescent charm, making me forget the pressure I was living under.
My memory of the past questioned the reality of the present I was in, as I reached the office and opened the door.
Carefully, I set her down on the sofa, adjusting her body so she wouldn’t fall.
Ian followed, along with Mike, and told me what the paramedics had said.
I followed orders, barely registering what Mike had just said—something about a roommate on her way to pick Vienna up.
Carefully, I laid her flat on the sofa, making sure her legs were elevated for blood to flow back into her brain. Then I put in a damp towel under her neck to cool her body. I sprinkled some water on her face, and she stirred, ever so slightly.
Ian watched her movements and informed the person on the phone, taking further instructions and disconnecting the call. “The paramedics say to give her an energy drink and make sure she takes it easy once she’s okay. They also suggested she go see her doctor, but unless it happens again, she doesn’t need to go to the hospital.”
I nodded and stepped away, not wanting to be around when she woke up.
As I turned to walk out, a lone moan escaped her mouth.
It pricked my heart, but I kept moving and gestured for Mike to follow me.
“Yes, sir?”
“Give her the next few days off. And I want someone else to take over the project.”
“But, sir—”
“This project isn’t right for her. It’s a high-stress project and requires a lot of work and travel, and she’s not the right fit. Find someone else.” I knew I was being unreasonable, but I didn’t care. My mind was reeling in the aftermath of what had just happened, and I needed to be far away from her. Her presence was ruining me all over again, and I couldn’t afford it.
“She’ll be devastated. She’s worked very hard for this and invested too much of herself. Pulling her out of the project will break her heart.”
“Nobody dies of a broken heart, Mike. She’ll survive.”
I walked into the elevator, giving my decision.