Wounded Wisdom
Unknowingly, she knew the secrets she kept
Unwillingly, she hid the reasons she wept.
Not wanting the answers, she hid in the dark
Fighting for control, she buried her spark.
Vienna
I wasn’t all right.
I was far away from it. I was going crazy. Random images were creating havoc in my mind.
I didn’t know what was going on.
One minute I was having a conversation with Mindy from finance, talking about her family and her new pet, and the next minute she mentioned her parents’ divorce, my entire body froze, and I was uprooted from this world.
Image after image of my parents filled my mind. They were fighting, cursing, as I just stood there, unable to move. Nothing made sense, they never fought, and yet there I was, broken to the bone, as I saw them drift apart, telling me they couldn’t be together. Agony filled my mind, arresting my consciousness. I didn’t hear anything after. I just bolted, leaving my peers in a state of shock. I ran past the people in the lobby, past the bellboy who’d tried to stop me. I needed to escape.
I ran like a person possessed, my senses out of my control, and my thoughts on overdrive. A severe headache spasmed through my skull, putting intense pressure on me. I couldn’t stay still with such frenzied thoughts in my mind.
So I kept running until my feet gave out, and my heart practically burst out of my chest, finally gaining awareness.
My focus warred to return, nausea twirling in my gut. I wanted to puke. Breathing hard, I looked around. Where was I? How had I ended up here on this street, all alone with nothing? Where was my purse? My phone? I couldn’t recall anything.
It was freezing. My body shivered in the cold, my feet going numb in my heels as I fought to keep my balance on the snowy sidewalk.
I was slipping and falling apart.
I leaned on the wall for support, trying to reorient myself.
New York was new to me, and I had no clue how to navigate back to the hotel.
My teeth chattered from the cold and growing panic.
“You okay, miss?” An older homeless gentleman stopped by me.
I shook my head. Dread took me hostage, and I panicked and ran, not bothering to see if he followed.
I almost fell, and I grabbed onto the wall on the side of a building.
Vienna, you need to stop. You can’t keep running. Find your way back. It’s not safe to be out.
I stood there, shivering and scared, frantically looking around, wrapping my arms around my chest, trying to keep myself warm.
The road was empty as the snow fell heavily, and the old homeless guy was nowhere to be seen. I could’ve asked him for directions, but…
My tears had finally stopped, but my eyes were swollen, and my hiccups wouldn’t stop.
I walked for two blocks until I could no longer feel my toes.
The loud whispers of the cold winds teased me with malice, stealing my strength.
My body was giving out.
I needed help.
I recalled the time Jason had found me when I’d run from the restaurant.
Who would find me now?
Who would save me?
Kingston.
He’ll find you.
My steps faltered in my faith. How stupid had I become? Why would he come looking for me? Who was I to him? He didn’t care. He hated me, wanted nothing to do with me, that much he’d made clear.
It had been hard to accept that truth, and I’d barely pushed through today, keeping away from him. I’d still stolen some glances, only to be disappointed when he hadn’t looked at me once during the meetings or the dinner. Every time I’d looked in his direction, he’d been busy chatting with his colleagues.
He hadn’t even realized I was there.
I walked another block, fighting the growing pain in my body. I needed to get back to my room, and I wanted to be safe. I wanted someone to find me.
I looked around, hoping to find some help, but the streets were empty except for a man walking in my direction. Thank God. I stumbled up to him. “Do you know where Hotel Ritz is?” I hugged myself even tighter, a wave of relief passing through me as I waited for the man to show me the way back.
“Well, well. I can walk with you and warm you up when we get there if you’d like.”
Instantly, I regretted my decision.
He looked me up and down.
I took a step back in reflex.
He took another step closer to me, and I ran.
I ran, not caring how badly my ankles hurt, twisting because I couldn’t feel my feet in their frozen state.
I ran, not looking back.
I didn’t care where I was going. I just needed to get away from him.
My feet wobbled, and my eyes teared up. I was afraid, and lost, and I didn’t know what to do. I’d never felt this helpless.
I turned a corner, crashed into a person, and fell.
I hit the pavement, my knee scraping the brick wall. I cried out in pain.
Sobs escaped my body, and l broke down. I curled into a ball, wrapping my hands around my knees, no longer able to hold on.
I forgot where I was as I receded inward, living in my misery and complexity, letting myself go.
What the hell was happening to me?
I cried and cried, drowning in the snow. With every crack in my will, my thoughts buried me in images I couldn’t make sense of.
I was lying in my bed, curled in a ball, crying. Crying so hard I could feel the pain transcend this moment. It swirled around me, filling me with a sense of loss. I had no recollection of such a moment, and yet it felt so real. So close to me.
The pain felt like mine.
The mourning, the brokenness, the helplessness of both my imagination and my reality mirrored each other with seamless ease, magnifying the impact of both.
They meant something; something had happened to me to make me feel so butchered, but I couldn’t untangle the mess. I tried to understand, but the moment I tried, everything faded, leaving me in the dark.
The answers kept getting further and further away, taking my will to go on along with them.
How had this happened?
I used to be a fighter.
I never succumbed.
But I was no longer that person.
That person was long gone.
I was just a carcass, hollow and dead.
I had no fight, no reason.
I was a loser, a victim of my circumstances.
My body started to give out, and I let go and awaited what was to come.
I sank into the snow-clad ground, not caring, ready to leave it all behind, to melt and disappear, when a distant voice called my name.
But I no longer had the strength.
I no longer wanted to fight. I succumbed and let sleep take over.
Stars filled my vision.
I saw green pastures under the night sky.
I saw myself lying on the ground, staring up at the sky.
I was happy; I had a smile on my face.
My heart was light, and there were no shadows of worry or doubts surrounding me.
I was just there—happy in the moment.
The voice called from a distance.
It was a beautiful voice.
It caressed my tattered heart.
It called me to it, but I couldn’t care at this point.
I wanted nothing but to be the girl I was seeing. Free, uncaring, and light in her spirits. I just wanted to forget everything and surrender to this feeling.
I gave in, ready to lose myself, when the earth started to shake.
The voice calling my name started getting clearer.
“Wake up, Vienna, listen to me! Get up. You can’t fall asleep.”
I wasn’t sleeping; I was wide awake enjoying the stars, and I didn’t want to be distracted.
So I pushed it away.
But the earth quaked even stronger at my resistance, shattering the peaceful state I was in.
“Wake up!” the voice boomed. “Goddamn it, wake the fuck up.”
A slap on my face broke through my trance.
My eyes snapped open and tried to refocus as the depth of that voice seeped into my being.
Turquoise eyes stared back at me, filled with tumultuous emotions.
Warm hands rubbed mine.
My body started to wake up from the self-induced coma as the warmth of his body surrounded me entirely.
I had no strength left. My body was spent…
“Hey. Look at me.” The voice pulled me out once again, and I tried harder to listen.
Those eyes. I blinked in lethargy, trying to focus.
I knew those eyes… But I couldn’t recall.
An image filled my mind.
An image of man dressed in blue jeans and a gray t-shirt with his back to me. His broad, well-sculpted back.
He was fishing in the stream.
Slowly, he turned, bringing into view his muscular arms and tight, structured jaw. His lips came into view as he turned completely around.
I gasped. Kingston.
His arms stilled.
“King…” I stuttered, struggling to speak. “Is, is that…”
“Yes.” He didn’t let me finish. “It’s me.” He rubbed my palms once again.
“You have hyperthermia. You can’t fall asleep.”
“But it feels good.” Relaxing. My eyes started to shut once again.
“For once, can you stop being stubborn and listen to me?” he snapped, barely holding back the anger bubbling beneath the surface.
“Not until you stop being so busy,” I managed to say.
The warmth of his body was finally seeping into mine, slight managing to help me regain my strength.
“I need to get you back to your room. What in the fuck were you thinking? Why the hell would you run out in the middle of a snowstorm? Are you out of your mind?”
“Shut up. You’re giving me a headache.” I tried pushing him away, but I was too weak. I fell straight back into his arms.
“Stay still and let me help you.”
“I don’t need your help.” I pushed him away again, succeeding this time as I took the support of the wall and tried standing up.
He grabbed me, and the next second I was in his arms. “I’m through with your bullshit. I’m taking you back to the room and making sure a doctor sees you. You’re driving me insane.”
My head wobbled into his chest as he stood and started walking with me in his arms. Every part of my being wanted to fight him, but the feel of his arms around me, cradling me, cocooning me left me helpless.
Nothing mattered anymore but being in his arms.
My head fell instinctively onto his chest, and I closed my eyes and sighed.
He was so warm. Everything was going to be all right.
He was here.
“Don’t sleep. Don’t you dare sleep, Vienna Roy. Or else,” he growled, tucking me closer to his body as he walked effortlessly toward the hotel.
“You came,” I whispered into his chest. “I knew you’d come.”
With a smile, I cuddled deeper into his chest and lost consciousness.