Fatigued Fight
Push and pull, hide and seek,
Her emotions erupted, making her meek
She knew what she wanted, but failed to chase
Instead, she ran deep into the daze
Vienna
Sleep abandoned me that night. Groggy nightmares of unknown yesterdays, of a lost life, wrapped me in a blanket so tight I couldn’t untangle myself. The dread of the nights after my accident paralyzed me as the ghoulish images of my crash engulfed me, taunting me with answers that swirled around me just out of reach.
I survived solely on thoughts of him.
Like a star, he shone in the distance, mocking me with his secrets, yet holding my gaze, not letting me drown.
He entrapped me, pulling me deeper and deeper into this elusive connection between us. His wrongs faded with every breath, my heart clinging to the phantom truth of who he truly was beyond those iron-clad walls: fierce, passionate, real.
So I let go.
And I surrendered, praying to come out alive at the end of it.
Time wove into an endless repetition of the chaos that had become like a second skin, draining me to the brink, but still not breaking me. A grain of strength kept me going, kept me wanting to fight past my delusions and arrive at the truth, the truth of my life and what had become of it.
Alone and shattered, I finally caved, calling my mother, seeking some comfort and hopefully some answers.
She picked up instantly, unlike the last time when I’d needed her so much, right after Jason left. “Hey, sweetheart. How are you?”
Anger fused with my need to talk to her as I heard her voice. I still couldn’t understand where this anger had come from, why I occasionally found myself despising my mother—it wasn’t like she’d done anything to make me feel this way. She’d always been the best possible mother. Even my father, who was now asleep, very likely oblivious of my mother talking on the phone beside him, had always been there for me. Then why this vile aftertaste?
Another question needing an answer. I tucked it down along with the others as I took a breath and lay in my bed, wanting nothing more than to feel at ease. “I’m doing good, Mom, just a little tangled up in my thoughts.”
“Talk it out, sweetie. I’m all ears.” She sipped on her bedtime tea, her voice calm.
Now that was my mother, always aware of what I needed, always ready to help. Why would I be mad at her? “I’ve been having strange dreams for the past month, Ma. Ever since I came home for your anniversary, I’ve been finding myself losing control, like the life I’ve been living is a lie.”
“What do you mean? Is everything all right?” Her tone instantly went from calm to concerned.
“I don’t know how to put it, but I feel like something’s missing…like a crucial part of my life. This sounds stupid, but like I’ve…” I didn’t complete the sentence, hazy snippets of my accident and my life after kept coming to me, a faint throb in the back of my scalp reminding me of the headaches I’d suffered for almost a year after my accident. My hand immediately went to that very point, which was now covered with hair again. It didn’t feel any different, apart from a slight rise of the bone, but I couldn’t help but touch it.
“Mom,” I spoke, trying to remember the accident. “How did I change after the accident?”
I heard her take a deep breath. The topic of my accident always brought back horrid memories for my parents, seeing their only child on the brink of death.
“It’s okay, Mom, forget I asked. Let’s—”
“It’s okay, Vi. It’s okay.” She sighed and continued. “Yes, you changed. Of course you changed. You almost died. You were in the ICU for almost two weeks, your entire body was covered in bruises. You fought for your life and survived. The doctors said it was a miracle. Three other people died on the spot, but you lived to see beyond that horrid crash. Of course that will change you. It was the worst time of our lives.” Her voice faltered with every word.
My heart ached at her pain. I tried to remember but I couldn’t. That part of my memory was as dark as a black hole.
“When you finally opened your eyes, you had no sense of where you were. You could barely stay awake, and the head trauma was so intense.” Her breath was uneven as she tried to fight her tears. “We did all we could to make sure you pushed past, and with God’s grace, the doctors finally saw improvement. Your body started to heal, and you started to recover. The impact on your head still gave you problems, but doctors assured us there would be no long-term damage. As for how you changed… After the accident…” She stopped as though stuck reliving that horrendous time.
I almost stopped her from continuing, hating myself for bringing up this conversation, for making her sad, but she kept going, speaking as if in a trance. “You became distant, you closed in. You barely spoke. There were nights you would have nightmares, and you would wake up screaming, and all we could do was hold you and ask God to forgive us for being so selfish, for pushing you away, for—”
“Pushing me away? Mom, what are you talking about?” What had they done to feel guilty?
“Vi…” Her tone changed. She hesitated, weighed her words as though trying to decide what she wanted to say next. That was very unlike my mother. “I’m sorry, I went off track,” she finally said.
Doubt trickled down my spine, telling me that wasn’t what she’d meant to say. Something didn’t feel right. I felt, for the first time in my life, that she was hiding something from me.
“I’m sorry, Vi. I didn’t mean to take you back to such bad times. I just… Let it be.”
My mother was definitely keeping something from me.
“Mom, what’s going on? What aren’t you telling me? I’ve had enough upheaval in my life over the past two months…if you have something to tell me, then just tell me.” I barely stopped myself from snapping, the comfort of my bed no longer easing my growing agitation.
“Just live your life. Don’t worry about anything. All you’re possibly going through is a part of growing up.”
“This is crazy. It shouldn’t be happening. I shouldn’t be…”
“What’s happening, Vi? What’s really bothering you?”
“I think I’m in love,” I blurted, no longer able to keep the weight of the secret on me. My confession shook me to my core. How could that be? I couldn’t be in love, not with him.
“Wow.” She paused. “That’s wonderful. But why do you sound so distressed?”
“Because I don’t want to be, not with this guy, not with anyone. He’s not right for me. He’s…”
“He’s what? Why not with him?”
“I don’t know what to say. You’ll think I’m crazy.”
“You can tell me anything. Tell me what’s going on. Get it out.”
“Ma, it’s like I know him, despite having just met him. It’s like I know who he is, and we’ve barely spoken. I can’t seem to keep him out of my mind. It feels like I’m constantly falling and there’s no end. It’s so strange.”
“It’s not, but go on.” My mom listened, keen to know more. She’d always been a cool mom, always open-minded about my life experiences. There wasn’t anything I couldn’t share with her.
“Mom, it feels…like he’s an integral part of my life. Like once upon a time in a dream I couldn’t live without him. It’s like I loved him even before I knew him, and yet there was this…attraction. The pull that I feel—felt toward him, it’s like it was laced with old hatred. I don’t know how to explain. It’s like on one side, I was constantly drawn to him and couldn’t be without him, and on the other hand, I despised him and he made me feel too much.”
“It seems to me like you’re describing a soul mate, and I can’t tell you how terrified and thrilled I feel for you to have felt this. It’s very similar to what I felt for your father all those years ago.”
“Maybe, but I don’t get him.”
I heard laughter in my mother’s tone. “Hmmm. Who is he? When do I meet him?”
“We’re not dating! It’s Kingston Sharp, Alex’s older brother. He’s my new boss—or rather, my boss’s boss. Do you remember Alex from high school?”
My heart stopped at the mention of Kingston’s name. The mention of him kidnapped my breath and left me empty, the need for him filling me with dread and desire even now.
The line had gone silent. The air had changed from teasing to tense.
“Mom, you there?”
“Are you in touch with Alex Sharp, Vi?” Her curt question, laced with anxiety, didn’t make sense. What was going on?
“I met him again when Jason and I came to visit for your anniversary.”
“So you guys have met up over the past few months?” Her tone resonated with resentment, which was strange, considering she’d loved Alex back when we were in school.
“Not really. He just got back to the city last week. I can’t believe we lost touch over the years. I never thought that would ever happen.”
More silence.
“Mom, are you okay?”
“Sorry, I almost dozed off. It’s been a busy weekend.”
“Oh, okay.” Just yesterday, Dad had told me what a slow weekend they’d had.
“If you don’t mind, I’m just going to let you go and get some sleep. Come over next week, and we can talk. I’ll cook your favorite lasagna.”
“Sure.”
“Goodnight, honey. I love you a lot, and don’t worry, everything will work out.” She hung up, leaving me lying there on the bed with a lot of doubts and questions.
There was definitely something my mother was keeping from me, something regarding Alex and maybe my accident. I didn’t know what it was, but now I knew I had to find out. It was time to get some answers.