Chaotic Changes
She lost the war and waited to battle.
With fate she argued, not ready to settle
But her control and planning, they came at a cost
And the more she pushed, the more she lost.
Vienna
He left.
Two weeks later, he packed his bags and said goodbye to me and the life we’d lived for the past three years.
He left me all by myself, living alone in a city where I barely knew anyone. Soon, the loneliness started to wear me down. The apartment, my job, everywhere I went I felt Jason. His absence gnawed at me
He’d made peace with our story, unlike me, and made sure I was okay being on my own.
I lied and told him I was.
I was far from okay. His decision had ultimately uprooted my life and once again pushed me to a place in my mind I despised getting trapped in. The unease of the unpredictably in my life tore me apart. It reminded me of the months after my accident and the horrid uncertainty I’d had to live through every single day. I’d worked too hard to steer away from that, and yet here I was, all alone with no retreat.
My heart ached as I waved goodbye, standing amidst the crowd of strangers, watching the one familiar face recede deeper into the airport.
Words faltered as he walked away. I was unwilling, unable, to stop him from leaving.
I wanted to, but I couldn’t stop him.
I had nothing to offer.
A part of me he desired was missing.
It was a part he needed the most: my heart. My shattered, distressed, and chaotic heart.
I couldn’t keep him.
It wasn’t fair.
Life wasn’t fair.
Jason’s confession, his expectation, his disappointment still lingered around me.
It was my doing.
Guilt spread through my blood.
Stop blaming yourself, my heart cried.
But I couldn’t stop. It was my fault.
I’d broken us.
I took in a deeper breath, pushing the rising thoughts of despair deeper within my soul. I no longer had room for them. I no longer wanted to entertain the doubts in my head.
Tears had dried up, emotions had corroded, and I no longer felt anything.
I hailed a cab and rode back home in silence.
I didn’t want this fresh start, but I was given no choice. My inaction had cost me my relationship with Jason. I needed to try to move on now.
The cab kept driving as my thoughts and worries continued to plague me.
Everything around me moved and faded.
Buildings became blurred lines. I leaned on the window and aimlessly focused on everywhere but inside myself. Slowly, my eyelids grew heavy, my heart sank, and I finally accepted my fate.
I ran.
The weight became heavier with every step. The tears tore apart every piece of me, bathing my shattered heart in a sea of agony.
Fire consumed my soul, ashes floated with the remnants of who I used to be.
I ran.
It was all I could do.
The chill of the night clawed at my exposed skin, the darkness tried stealing my vision. My limbs tried fighting my commands, but nothing could keep me from running. I was done; I had to get out of here.
A honk tore through my frenzy.
A blinding headlight shattered the vortex I was spiraling in.
I panicked and fell to the ground, my sorry belonging scattering all around, too similar to the way my heart had broken.
The car drove past, and I gasped, an adulterated surge of pain and panic plaguing my soul.
My elbow ached as it slid on the gravel road, my back hurt with the fall, but nothing compared to the pain in my heart.
With rampant tears and uncontrollable hiccups, I stood, collecting my belongings and hastily shoving them into my bag. I wanted to be as far from where I was as possible.
I stood and the world spiraled around me. I latched onto the handle of my bag, waiting for everything to still, but the chaos around me was never ending.
His words.
His cruel, gut-wrenching words whipped my skin, tearing it apart, tearing everything in me apart. I bled at his betrayal; only I lived to suffer in it. I could die.
Picking up the pieces of myself, I did the only thing I could.
I screamed.
I cursed.
I cried.
I ran.
“Miss! Wake up.” The distant voice of a stranger pulled me out of a very real nightmare.
I cried out.
I withered and crashed.
I cried and bellowed to be released despite my need to be held, to be pulled back into the warmth I so desperately needed. “Miss, you’re home. Wake up,” the voice called again, breaking the last locks of my nightmare.
My eyes fluttered open, fighting the brightness, the glaze around them, wanting to refocus.
The reality was slow to form, but even before I acknowledged my state, I knew.
My eyes filled with dread, along with the tears that had been keeping me trapped in their manifestations. I jumped as I felt the warmth of the older cab driver’s hands on my bare elbow.
“You okay, ma’am?”
His old eyes were sympathetic. “Do you want me to call somebody for you?”
I shook my head, sliding away from his touch, clumsily rummaging through my purse and grabbing a fifty-dollar bill and handed it to him. Avoiding his gaze I opened the door, and rushed out.
I ran through the main door of my building, barely managing to get my key into the keyhole, running away, and ignoring the cabbie’s call to give me my change.
Rushing through the staircases, not caring to wait for the elevator, I climbed to the fifth floor, panting, panicking, and breaking.
I crashed to the floor inside my door, hugging my purse.
Swarms of tainted memories, rusted old forgotten emotions, crept onto my skin, slathering me with delirium.
I couldn’t cry. My voice betrayed me; I couldn’t scream. I became a mute spectator to my own tragedy.
My nails clawed at my purse, holding onto it as if life depended on it.
My heartbeat went erratic and numb, a dizzying rollercoaster with a wicked end.
I felt lonely. I felt alone. I felt afraid, unsure.
My heart broke. I had to push this loneliness away.
I had to get away.
I had to find something.
I needed something.
I reached into my purse, desperate to call my mom.
I needed to talk to her, hear my dad’s voice. I needed to grasp onto something tangible, something that made sense.
I called.
It rang.
I waited, holding my breath.
My hand involuntarily caressed the shooting star cufflink I used as a talisman, pinned on the inside of my gray jacket’s collar.
One ring.
Two rings.
Three rings.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
It went to her voicemail.
Rage, impotent rage, filled my lungs as I slammed the phone down.
A cloak of disappointment clouded my vision as I couldn’t help but drown in my anger toward my parents.
I didn’t know what to do. Too many contradictory emotions filled up the space in my mind.
I clawed at my hair, helpless, as a looming headache took over, clouding my thoughts even further.
A scream formed in my throat, but a distant yet familiar voice echoed through my soul. Vienna, breathe, it whispered, instantly blanketing my heart in a warm cocoon.
Calm down, it breathed easing my worry.
Take control. Let go.
I jumped at the voice, instinctively holding onto it, desperate and scared.
It calmed me instantly.
The depth of his voice eased my anxiety.
It became my anchor, keeping me afloat.
I put in all my effort to keep my focus on the voice, the thick aura of its being.
It hypnotized my despair away.
Vienna, it called.
I swayed toward it, forgetting everything that ailed me, that paralyzed my control.
Surrounded by that voice, I didn’t need to control.
I just wanted to belong.
And so I let go.
I forgot.
I allowed the voice to lull me into a dreamless sleep.
For over a week, I fought past my anxiety and continued to live on my own. I avoided the pain I felt being in the apartment without Jason. Everything reminded me of him. Even at work, I couldn’t outrun his memory. I missed him, but more than that, I missed the normalcy that had been absent from my life ever since he’d left. He’d called me once he landed, telling me over and over again to move closer to home.
Just like my parents. Right after they found out about our breakup, they’d been persistent in trying to make me move closer to, if not back in with, them. But I wasn’t willing. I couldn’t fathom another change. But with each passing day, spending hour upon hour alone, trapped in my dreams and my tattered life, I started to doubt my own judgment. I couldn’t untangle my thoughts. I no longer knew what was right for myself.
So, I did the only thing that made sense to me in that moment.
I called Alex.
In high school, he’d always been able to steer me right. For a moment, when I’d seen him in the café, I’d felt like my old self again. Maybe he could help me now.
I grabbed his business card from my desk and called him, only to find it out of reach.
Maybe his PA had an alternate number.
I dialed the office number and waited, not caring about my lunch lying on my desk. I’d barely accomplished any work today, and the way I was feeling I doubted that would change.
“Alexander Sharp’s office, Lola speaking, how can I help you?” A sweet voice filled my earpiece on the second ring.
“Hey, this is Vienna Roy. I don’t know if…” I trailed off, unsure what to say.
“Oh, hello, Ms. Roy. Mr. Sharp told me you may be calling. How can I help you?”
Alex’s gesture brought a smile to my face. He’d kept his word. “Actually, I’ve been trying to get hold of Alex on his cellphone, but it’s out of reach, so I was wondering if you have an alternate number I could use to contact him.”
“Mr. Sharp is currently on a flight, so his phone might be switched off. I can give you his hotel room number if you’d like?”
“No, that’s all right. I’ll message him later.”
“For sure! Is there anything else I could help you with?” Lola asked.
“Actually, do you happen to have Cassie Westwood’s phone number? Alex told me to get it from you,” I asked as an afterthought, remembering that she worked there. Maybe talking to her might help me reconnect with the bold person I’d been before the accident, the same way talking to Alex had eased my anxiety.
“Yes, hold on, let me look it up for you.” Lola quickly typed on her keyboard.
She gave me Cassie’s work number before I said goodbye and called Cassie right after.
“Hello, Cassie speaking.”
“Cassie, this is Vienna,” I said, my voice hesitant. “Vienna Roy?” It had been too long since the last time we’d talked. She’d moved to Boston to study after high school, and somehow, over the years, we’d lost touch.
“Oh my God! Hallelujah. I can’t believe my ears.” Her squeal broke through my nervousness, and I laughed. Cassie hadn’t changed a bit.
“Yes, it’s me. How are you?”
“Fucking awesome now. Where have you been? It’s been like, what, six years? I haven’t seen you since high school. What have you been up to all these years?”
And with that, I took the next fifteen minutes to fill her in. I told her about my accident, bumping into Alex recently, and my breakup. She listened without interruption, just like the good friend she’d been, her calmness and open manner instantly putting me at ease.
“You should move back. Why the fuck do you want to stay in San Francisco? There’s nothing left there for you,” Cassie said as I paused.
“I can’t. I have my job here, my routine…”
“Routine shmoutine. Stop giving me excuses. You need to let that shit go. And, as for the job, I know exactly what to do.”
“Cassie…”
“Just listen to me. I happen to have a posting here that would fit you perfectly. It seems like its fate.”
“I can’t take a job like that! I’m not prepared.” The idea of what she was proposing made me anxious all over again.
“You don’t need to be prepared, Vi. You just need to say yes, and I’ll take care of the rest. I’ll set up a video interview with the team, and they can take over. Oh my God, how great would it be if you got the job and moved here? It would be like old times. You, me, and Alex under the same roof.”
“Cassie, you’re getting way ahead of yourself here. Just take a breather and let me process.” She wouldn’t let this go, but I had to try. Yes, the idea seemed appealing, but I wasn’t ready.
What are you going to do then, drown yourself in misery here?
It’s not like your life hasn’t already been uprooted. At least this way you can be close to home, live in a familiar place. With friends and family close, you’ll have more control of your life there, since you grew up around there…
I couldn’t argue there, but I couldn’t say yes. It was too sudden.
Take a chance, my heart coaxed.
“Okay,” I finally said.
Ten days later, in the midst of a lot of chaos, I moved to Malibu. I packed my entire life from San Francisco and moved in with Cassie. My apartment next door would be ready in two weeks, and I couldn’t thank her enough.
She took care of everything, appeased my hesitation, and pushed me to make this decision, making sure my transition was smooth and pain-free. The job was perfect for me and, despite my habit to doubt and resist and need to be in control, I couldn’t help but feel a little excited about it.
A week went by in my new job as I finally started to settle in. Mike, my new boss, put me at ease right away. He was easy to get along with, and he made sure I was settling in comfortably. For that, I was genuinely thankful.
Every day I would walk to work, my apartment being less than fifteen minutes away. I’d never expected to like it in this city. I hadn’t cared for it growing up, when we’d come here, having summer picnics at the beaches, driving on the Pacific coast, and enjoying the many hikes with my father on warm summer days. But for the first time in over twenty years, I honestly took in the city. The Pacific Ocean on its west and the mountains on its east were stunning. Just an hour away from Thousand Oaks where I’d grown up, the laid-back attitude and the wonderfully warm weather—unlike the foggy coolness of San Francisco—instantly drew me in.
Day by day, I found myself falling into a new routine, jumping into a new project, investing all my energy in the upcoming meeting with the company heads, and enjoying going to the beach with Cassie over the weekend.
Life was simple, but it was good.
It was twelve-thirty pm on a Thursday, and I was busy working, slowly settling into my new life.
My new manager, Mike Perry, had sent me a few documents he needed me to look into before Monday. Settling in, I read through the details, familiarizing myself with the new project I would be part of. It was meant to be a massive project for the company, and I needed to be prepared.
So, for the next hour, I took notes, did my research, and readied my work documents.
I’d been at this job for over a week, and Alex still didn’t know. It had been Cassie’s idea to keep it under wraps. She wanted it to be a surprise, and I agreed. We both wanted to see the look on his face when he found out the trio was reunited.
Alex and I still hadn’t had a chance to talk, but we’d texted each other a little. He was too busy, and our time difference proved to be a hassle.
Grabbing my phone, I texted him.
Me: Hey, how are you?
I waited for his reply.
Ten minutes later. My phone buzzed.
Alex: I am doing excellent, now that you texted me. How are you doing???
I smiled.
Me: I am much better now.
Alex: Well, that’s good to hear. Hoping it has something to do with me?
The tease was prevalent even in his text, making me shake my head as I laughed and typed back. He’d always been such a flirt.
Me: Most definitely. It feels good to talk to you, to be able to get in touch with you after so long.
Alex: Ah. I know what you mean. I feel the same. I mean, here I am, awake for the past forty-nine hours, on the other side of the world, finally boarding my ten-hour delayed flight. I’d almost lost my sanity, and if you hadn’t messaged me right when you did, I would’ve been flipping out at the stewardess right this very minute for messing up my seat. I think she owes you for saving her from my outburst.
I laughed at his response.
Me: Oh, I remember your outbursts. You are the worst.
Alex: Hey, that’s mean. I’m not the worst. You just broke my heart by saying that.
Me: Oh shut up, and stop with your fake pouting. You, Alex Sharp, have a temper.
I sighed, remembering his crazy tactics.
Me: You have a hard time letting go. Remember the fight you had with Mason because he didn’t ask you before he asked out your ex-girlfriend—the girl you didn’t even like and had only gone out with twice before moving on. You guys never talked after?
There was a moment of silence. A strange emotion filled my lungs, agitating me at the thought of Alex’s anger. A phantom ache rose in my heart, making it unbearable, but before I could delve further into it, my phone finally buzzed.
Alex: I need to break our conversation short. My flights about to take off. I’ll message when I land in Dubai. Say, in eight hours? That okay?
Me: Yeah, have a safe flight.
Monday morning couldn’t have come fast enough. Over the weekend, Cassie had helped me move my stuff into my apartment next door. I still had a week before the bathroom got fixed and I officially moved in, but at least I wasn’t living out of my boxes and rummaging through my stuff to find all I needed for work.
“Vi,” Cassie called as I tried to tame my crazy curls into a bun.
“I’m leaving. I’ll see you at six and don’t forget to order Thai from that place by work.”
“Yes, I will. Have a great day.”
I wished her goodbye and put the navy blazer to my pantsuit over my baby blue shirt and headed out after grabbing my purse.
I reached my work with fifteen minutes to spare, enough time for me to fix myself up and head to the office on the twentieth floor.
As I walked in, I heard somebody cheering from the far end, right where my office was situated. Curious, I walked toward the growing commotion from the cubicle on the other side of my office.
At least five women stood there, surrounding the cubicle, watching something on the computer, sighing and giggling like a bunch of school girls.
Recognizing Liz, my boss’s secretary, who’d shown me around on my first day, I called out to her. “Hey, Liz, good morning.”
“Hey, how are you?” She gave me a smile, taking a sip out of her coffee cup and turning her attention back to the screen.
One of the girls hooted over whatever they were watching.
Curiosity over what all the commotion was about filled me. Just then, one of the girls shifted, giving me a direct view of the screen.
“Damn,” she sighed. “I can’t believe he’s going to be here. I mean, I’ve heard him speak over the video conferences, but never met him in person.”
My breath stopped as my eyes zeroed in on the image on the screen. My pupils dilated, my body heated up, and my heartbeat went erratic.
It was him.