Clueless Clues
A glimmer of hope, a peek at the fact
A wink of memory stated what lacked
Something forgotten came knocking on her door
Making sure she accepted, running no more
Vienna
I hate you. I fucking hate you.
Those words had undone me. In the most vulnerable state of my being, undone and unhinged, his words had torn through the darkness and unraveled me. Instead of breaking, I’d resurrected.
I’d become aware of who I truly was.
I’d shed this persona, this meek, confused skin, and stepped into the real me. It was an awakening, a state of sharp consciousness after millennia of blank rest. I saw things, felt them acutely for the first time once again. A part of me, a part of the old me, adorned my darkness and made it appealing, made it okay to accept it.
It was this very glare of awareness that made me see past the veneer of hatred and indifference Kingston had tried to show me. His words didn’t matter because they weren’t the truth.
It wasn’t hatred he felt. It was passion. It was a connection and possibly…love?
My heart fluttered at the thought.
Did he love me?
Was that even possible?
Did I feel the same?
What did I feel about him?
I knew there was more to us, but I didn’t know what it was yet.
I was attracted to him. His pull was something I hadn’t been able to resist from the very moment I’d seen his picture on the computer screen.
It was this very pull that had led to this night.
Tonight was a night where all my emotions, good and bad, confused and confident, took over.
I’d reacted the way my heart wanted to react.
I’d run away because all that was coming toward me became too overwhelming.
I’d leaned on him because buried in his warm embrace was the only place I felt safe, I felt I belonged.
In that acknowledgement, everything after became easy.
The fight that had turned into intimacy felt like a much-needed, already tried and tested, salve.
I’d given in, and at that moment, in my surrender, I’d rediscovered myself. His angry jabs had become scissors that snapped away my restraints. His thrusts pushed through my walls and crashed them, and as I came and he followed, unloading the very essence of his being in me, I’d no longer feared. I’d risen like a phoenix and taken over my life and my destiny.
Nothing scared me anymore. Not even his cruel words would tear me down again. Not even the realization that I’d had unprotected sex with my boss could pull me down. I wasn’t on the pill, but somehow that didn’t bother me. Somehow it felt right, like it was the only way it could have happened, the best way to connect. I was sure everything was going to be okay.
And that, this very realization, this very shift from wanting to control my life to giving in and actually living my life, made everything okay. Even the fact that I was all alone in my bed, post-coitus, naked and sated, without a man to hold me was all right—because I had me.
His leaving, his actions, and his reactions had brought me back to myself.
I flew back to Malibu the next day sans Kingston.
He’d already left.
A huge part of me craved him, wanted to see him, wanted to see how it would feel being around him now, what his reaction would be after last night.
But he’d bailed, choosing to run away rather than face me.
He’d run away to England.
England. A strong gush of emotions surrounded me as I thought of England and him being there.
This country called me, challenged me to reminisce, and pulled me to it like an old lover left behind.
There was something about England, this country I’d never been to. Every time I heard its name, my ears perked up. Some days it made me happy, while some days it filled me with unwarranted anger, just like the night at the restaurant with Jason. Countryside, brick manors, and vast open spaces flooded my vision with their kaleidoscopic slideshow. They felt so real, so tangible in my thoughts, like memories. My mind started drawing maps of places I’d never seen, never been.
The Fasten Seatbelt sign turned off as the plane finally reached its height.
I sat in the business class, courtesy of the company, beside Nora, my coworker, who was busy watching a movie on her iPad.
I, on the other hand, rummaged through my thoughts, seeking information that kept seeping through the cracks. I started seeing everything in a different light. I began to ask questions, started to dig deeper, began to pry. Why was I feeling this way? What did it mean? What were my dreams trying to tell me? I pried and prodded, wanting to decipher this madness once and for all. I was done living in the dark. I no longer wanted to be trapped. I no longer wanted to fear.
I wanted answers.
“Ma’am, would you like a drink?” The stewardess leaned in and smiled politely at me.
“I’ll have a glass of white wine, please.” It was a first for me.
I’d never enjoyed drinking because I hated losing control. But at this moment, it felt right.
A glass of wine would be the very thing that would not only push me out of my comfort zone but also maybe force my mind to relax and open up.
As the stewardess poured me my drink, I pulled my little planner out of my purse. Even now, in this day and age of technology, I enjoyed writing in a physical planner to note every vital thing down.
I made myself comfortable. I had the next six hours to work with my mind and my thoughts.
Twenty minutes later, I felt like I’d never felt before.
The glass of wine had done precisely what it was meant to do; it woke me up and freed my mind, allowing me to see things clearly as I wrote down every incident I thought had relevance to my fears.
I wrote about Jason and our story.
I wrote about Alex and all that had changed between us.
I wrote about my parents.
I wrote about my outbursts and my emotions.
I wrote about him.
Word for word, the haze started to clear.
The questions still remained, wrapped up in a mystery, but now I knew where the answers hid.
I called my parents as soon as I landed.
I wanted to see them before I left the country for a month. I wanted to talk to them and share my story, my struggles and my questions.
My parents had always been there for me, being the best shoulders to lean on, the best ears to talk to, and the best confidants, who never judged me.
Even when they’d found out about Jason, they hadn’t asked me a single prying question. They’d silently and compassionately accepted the split, letting me know they were there if I needed them.
Next, as I sat in the cab on my way home, I texted Alex.
Me: Hey Alex. Where you now and when are you back in Cali?
I wanted to ask him questions, learn why we’d drifted apart. I wanted to put to rest the conflict I felt for him.
Putting the phone down, I took a few minutes to just breathe in the ocean air, waiting to get home. A lot had changed in the four days I’d been in New York. In fact, over the last two months, everything I used to be and everything I believed in no longer existed.
Everything was different, and I no longer related to the life I’d left behind, not even the relationship I’d had with Jason. What I’d felt for him didn’t even come close to the magnitude of emotions Kingston tore out of me. I’d leaned on Jason for the wrong reasons, and I regretted it. I regretted putting him through all this.
Impulsively, I Skyped him, guilt and my desire to apologize superseding rationality.
He picked up four rings in. “Hey, Vienna,” he mumbled, half asleep. The screen was dark as he shuffled in his bed, trying to turn on the lamp. “Is everything okay?”
“Hey,” I managed to say. “I’m sorry to call you this late.”
“It’s okay. I was going to wake up in three hours anyway.” He laughed, rubbing his eyes.
“I just wanted to say something.” I fidgeted with the straps of my purse as I tried to decide what to say.
“Shoot,” he said. “I’m all ears.”
I smiled. Jason was still himself, easygoing and always there. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for putting you through all that I did. I truly am.”
“Vienna.” He sighed. “Stop being so hard on yourself. I don’t hold anything against you.” He looked at me, sincerely, giving me a soft smile.
“I put you through a lot, and I’ll always regret my actions.”
“Let it go. It all worked out in the end. No hard feelings.”
“What’s going on?” A female voice spoke from Jason’s other side.
“Just talking to Vienna.” He looked to the side and smiled. “Go back to sleep. If I’m bothering you, I’ll go to the other room.”
“No, it’s all good,” she mumbled.
“Say hi to her, and goodnight.” I smiled as he looked up, a little sheepishly.
“I’m happy for you.”
“Thanks.” He blushed. “Her name is Dia, and we met at a video game meet-up.”
I laughed. “You and your games. Finally, it did something good in your life.”
“Yeah.” He laughed. “We clicked. We just started dating last month.”
“Well, I wish you all the best. Good night, Jason, and thank you for being so wonderful.”
“Call me anytime. You know I’ll always be around.”
I smiled and said goodbye.
I felt fresh the next day.
Last night had been a great end to the day as I’d had dinner with Cassie, filling her in.
I felt as if a burden had been lifted off me.
I was in the best of spirits, taking my time to get ready, putting on navy pencil skirt that reached my knees and a soft pink chiffon shirt. I even let my curls loose, feeling confident in my skin. With a touch of makeup and some sassy heels, I was ready to slay my work day.
Another day, and he would be back.
I swayed in his thoughts as I made my way to work. It made me pine and sigh, laugh and growl thinking about him. I wanted to see him. I missed him, but I also didn’t want him to come back, not before I had some time to acquaint myself with this new version of myself.
Still, my lips longed to kiss his, and my hands itched to run though his rich mane.
I checked my phone as I stepped into the office building, to see if Alex had replied. I wanted to see him. I needed to talk to him to get closure for certain things.
But there wasn’t a response yet.
I walked up to the elevator and swiped my card, lost in my thoughts as I waited.
The elevator pinged, and the door opened, and I stepped in along with a few more people, when just as the door closed, someone shouted, “Vienna!”
My heart skipped a beat, the voice seeping into my ears. Kingston.
Instantly, I reached between the closing door and rushed out as a body, strong and muscular, collided with me.
Eyes that were definitely not Kingston’s met mine.
Alex.
The shock in his eyes receded as he stared.