Induced Instincts
Push and pull, hide and seek,
Her emotions erupted, making her meek
She knew what she wanted but failed to chase
Instead she ran deep into the daze
Vienna
I no longer knew what reality was.
I no longer cared, because in this moment, as I felt the warmth of his lips on mine, nothing else mattered but him.
It felt like I’d come alive.
This moment, real or not, cut through my darkness and woke me. It took my fear and anxiety, my chaos, my confusion and turned it into one single emotion: passion.
I clawed at his smooth, lush head of hair, my body desperate to merge with his. I needed this. This was what was missing in my life. Now, at this moment, in this vivid dream moment of passion and redemption, I knew, without an inkling of doubt, where my solace lay: in him.
I found peace in his arms, kissing his lips, feeling his body, withering his embrace.
He was my salvation, my unravelling.
I surrendered to this realization; I threw doubts and distrust out of my mind and plunged into this very moment. I kissed him with fervor, my hand frantically moving about his body, trying to hold on to him and never let him go.
“Don’t leave,” I whispered against his lips. My words were a plea from a place deep within me. “Don’t ever leave me again.”
I wound my hands around his neck, pulling him closer, avoiding his resistance as I continued to kiss him. I was desperate, and I didn’t care.
All that mattered was being close to him.
He was the answer to all my questions.
Without him, I was broken. Without him, I didn’t live—I barely existed.
I felt him trying to break the kiss, but I clung on.
I couldn’t let him go. His lips were a salve to my battered, butchered heart.
But he didn’t seem to care.
He pulled away from the kiss, keeping me at arm’s length.
I cried in the distance. “Please,” I begged, trying to get closer, but he resisted.
I was swimming in a daze, split in two directions. My vision was dancing in an array of grays and blacks, distracted by the flashes of color and light. I didn’t know what was happening.
“Wake up,” I heard him say.
My hands reached out but caught nothing.
My body swayed back and forth.
“Goddamn it. Open your fucking eyes.”
I snapped awake, blinked, and froze as the fire of his turquoise eyes stared back at me. The reality started to dawn on me.
I wasn’t dreaming.
Whatever I was feeling, whatever I was in the midst of, wasn’t a dream. It was real.
I gasped, covering my mouth. I pushed away from his hold as I realized what I’d just done.
“Oh my God,” I whispered through my hands. My body shivered as the reality became more and more evident, as the magnitude of my actions started to dawn on me. “Oh my God, I kissed you. You’re real.”
He was sitting in front of me, bare-chested, with a look of anger and confusion.
I couldn’t believe I’d just kissed my boss.
Anxiety filled my nerves, and I shivered. I started to panic. What had I done?
My breaths became frantic; my body shook.
I could hear him, but I couldn’t respond. My mind was reeling from the madness inside.
“Vienna, snap out of it. You’re panicking. Fuck, Vienna, listen to me.” He grabbed my arms and shook me.
“Oh my God, I kissed you. It was real. I wasn’t dreaming. Oh my God, what did I just do?”
“Forget about it and just focus on the present. Control your mind, control your emotions, try to push through. Don’t let it overpower you.”
“I can’t,” I stuttered, as my body rocked and my breath fought to stay steady.
He grabbed my chin, pulling me toward him, making me face him, making me look into his raging blue eyes. “Fucking focus and stop pissing me off. I’ve had enough of your madness for my entire fucking life. Stop ripping me apart. Stop with this nonsense and get out of your head.”
My entire body stilled at his outburst. Everything stilled.
His words stopped, and he stared back with monumental anger in his eyes. I remained silent. With every moment that passed, my breath steadied and my body stopped convulsing. His anger didn’t falter, and neither did his grip on my jaw. Our proximity flickered like glowing embers but didn’t distract us from this silent truce. Breath by breath, we calmed down from our respective uproar. His anger phased out of his eyes; my daze cleared. I accepted where I was, he accepted what had happened, we accepted it all.
“You okay?” he managed to ask.
I nodded. I had no voice, no words to express what I felt, so I stayed quiet.
The silence lingered, and so did our gazes. Neither of us knew what to do, what to say, so we stalled, waiting for the words to find us.
He was still holding onto me, and despite the growing pain from his firm grip, I didn’t want him to let go. I wanted to continue feeling his touch. I wanted to be near him.
Abruptly, he let go of my head, jumping out of bed and standing up, putting unwanted distance between us.
My entire being cried at the emptiness he left, wanting nothing more than reach out to him, to pull him close.
He winced as he stepped away. He was hurt. Light spots of blood stained my bedsheet as well, making me realize he’d been injured all this time. He should’ve been taking care of his injury, not catering to my issues. Guilt filled my soul as I jumped to my feet and rushed to grab him. I needed to see how badly he was hurt. I needed to mend him, to make him feel better.
“You’re hurt,” I cried, trying to reach out, but he moved away.
“It’s no big deal, just a little scratch.” He tried to walk away but winced in pain as he took another step.
“Stop being stubborn and let me see. It seems like a big cut. Let me help you.”
“I don’t need your help. Just worry about yourself,” he snapped and started to walk away, trying his best to hide his limp. “Go to sleep, Vienna.”
“Stop.” I followed, uncaring of what had transpired in the last few moments of my life.
“Vienna, please just let it go.” He turned just as I reached down to inspect his foot.
“No, I need to see you’re not hurt. I can’t stand to see you in pain.”
I grabbed his ankle despite his resistance and fought with his strength. He wouldn’t budge.
“Please let me. I know I’m nobody to you, and I’ve caused you nothing but problems tonight, but, please, let me look at your injury. It’s the only way I’ll feel less guilty for becoming this burden to you.”
I knew he wanted to push me away. I knew he wanted to pull his foot from my hold, but something held him back. I could see the conflict waging in his eyes. He was torn.
“Please. I can’t see you hurt.”
“You can’t see me hurt, but you sure can do the hurting,” he snapped.
“What are you talking about?”
Anger resurfaced in his gaze.
“I’m sorry for tonight, Kingston.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Yes, I am. I’m sorry for what happened tonight, I really am.” I looked back at him with sincerity.
“Why did you run?” he asked, ignoring my apology. “Or is it something you like doing every time the situation doesn’t turn in your favor, or when things get tough?”
“I don’t understand.” Why was he suddenly so angry?
“And you never will because it’s not in your nature. Now let go of my foot. I’ve had enough, and I want all this to be over.”
“Let me mend you first.”
“One that breaks can’t mend, Ms. Roy.”
My grip loosened on his last statement.
He started to walk away.
His anger didn’t make sense. What had I broken? What had I done to him for him to act this way? I didn’t even know him. “Why are you so rude to me?” I blurted before I could stop myself. “What have I ever done to you?”
He stopped in his tracks and turned around.
I was still kneeling on the floor, looking up at him.
He gave a pained smile. “It doesn’t matter.”
“It matters,” I argued. My body hunched. The weight of all that was happening was starting to wear me out. And seeing him so aloof and distant was the last straw. “It matters,” I repeated, as I sank onto my heels and sat on the carpet.
“If it mattered, you wouldn’t have done it. You wouldn’t have to ask.” He stared at me, his eyes pained and angry.
“What have I ever done to you?” I hugged my chest as I lost more and more of my strength. Whatever was between us was too powerful, too overwhelming for me to overcome. His hurt, his anger, his pain, they pricked me like needles, making me bleed, making me sorry, despite not knowing what I’d done to be sorry for.
He didn’t help. He just stood there and stared, killing me with his silence.
Moments passed until, finally, he spoke. “Nothing,” was all he said before turning around.
“You can’t walk away without an explanation.” My voice cracked, my composure falling apart.
“Why not?” His eyes held no emotion as he looked at me. “Is that just your right?”
“I don’t understand what you’re saying.”
He towered over me, stoic, and silent. He gave nothing away, said nothing.
The only thing I could think was that he’d had plans tonight I’d somehow ruined. “I’m sorry for being an inconvenience. I’m sorry for making you run after me and rescue me. I’m sorry for disrupting your otherwise pleasant evening. I’m sorry for bothering you, for kissing you.” I stood up. I couldn’t stay here anymore. I needed to go. I needed to collect myself. “I’ll leave right away. Thank you for all you did. Thank you for being such good person, for coming after me, a mere employee in your company, and rescuing me. It truly says a great deal about you.” I found my shoes and put them on, not knowing where my belongings were, or how I would get into my room without the keycard, but I had to get out of here, away from him. “Thank you for your help. I won’t bother you again.”
I walked past him and stopped, disappointed by his silence. Even now, all I wanted was for him to ask me to stay.
“Take care, Mr. Sharp,” I whispered, giving him a last glance and walking to the door.