Broken Being
Secrets unfurled and illusions broke.
After an eon, the nightmares spoke.
In every word her world shattered.
Ripping her bare, naked and battered.
Vienna
I drove with the ghosts of my past. They’d finally revealed themselves. My mother’s confession had set in motion a tornado of emotions in me. My mind warred with a million thoughts, fighting and failing, trying to piece my broken life together. I needed answers, I needed to understand, and I needed to know what had happened.
I’d lived in another country for months and couldn’t remember any of it.
An hour later, I found myself knocking on Alex’s door.
His shock was apparent as I pushed past him and walked into his home.
“Everything okay?” He shut the door and followed me.
“I need answers, Alex.” I turned and look straight into his eyes, searching for answers.
“Sure, Vi, but first tell me what’s going on. You’re shaking.” He tried to come close, but I stepped back from his reach, every bone in my body repulsed at the idea of what he might’ve done.
Concern and fear filled his gaze as he retracted his arm, consciously stuffing his hand into his pants pocket.
“We need to talk about England.” The moment the words fell out of my mouth, the air around us charged. Alex’s entire body turned rigid, his eyes filing with regret. He gulped, nervousness twirling around him like polluted air.
Guilt dawned in his eyes, and my heart sank.
No, it couldn’t be. He never would’ve done anything to hurt me. And yet…
“Vi,” he breathed out.
My entire notion of life shattered in the weight of the single syllable that left his lips.
I felt sick to my stomach as I fought to hold his gaze. What had he done to me?
He was my best friend. I’d trusted him.
I needed to know. I needed answers.
Suppressing the chaos of emotions whirling within, I braced myself for the truth. “Tell me everything,” I whispered, dreading his answer, yet wanting nothing more than to finally know what had become of me in the months I’d erased from my mind.
He shook his head and turned, leaving me behind in the midst of my agony, as he walked into his beautifully decorated living room, dragging out the silence. He walked over to the fully stocked bar, grabbed a bottle of whisky, and took a swig directly from the bottle.
I waited with dread, his actions showing his guilt.
“I knew,” he finally said, “that someday you’d bring up the past. For five years I’ve dreaded this day, and yet I’m glad we’re finally talking about it. It’s been eating me inside for too long. I want to forget and move on. But you see…” Pain marred his handsome face. “I can’t. I can’t let go.”
My heart sank. Tears threatened to escape as I stood there, paralyzed, waiting for him to ruin my life by telling me what awful thing had happened between us.
“The summer in England ruined everything for me. From the moment I invited you to stay at my family home, I stopped being your friend. I became a whole new person. I became greedy, selfish, and conceited.” He took another swig from the bottle. “I thought it was finally time for us to be more than friends.”
My heart stopped beating. Then it was true. We’d been lovers…and conceived a child together. But how had things ended between us? Judging from his reaction, he’d done something awful, but what?
Unaware of my plight, he kept talking, using the bottle in his hands as a potion of truth. “During the three months you were there, all I wanted was you. I didn’t care then about our friendship, I didn’t care about you or your feelings. All I cared about was what I felt, and what I wanted.”
“Alex,” I croaked, the pain in his voice breaking me inside.
“Don’t, Vi, just let me finish. I’ve been living with this weight for too long, and ever since you came back into my life, I’ve hardly slept. I keep remembering what I said to you, what I did…” He looked at me, his eyes red with pain. “I hate what I’ve become. I hate how I can’t let go of you despite all that’s happened because of this very obsession. Meeting you was the first time in my life I wanted the love my parents shared. I wanted that with you, and I was ready to wait, ready to fight, ready to wear you down, even if it meant being your friend till the day you realized I was it for you. But that never happened. That night in England changed everything.”
I couldn’t speak, the dread of his confession leaving me speechless. If I’d never chosen him, then…what did that mean?
“Inviting you to England was the biggest mistake of my life.” He took another swig from the bottle as he slumped onto the bar stool, the haze of alcohol already starting to affect him. “England took everything from me. I lost you, I lost my brother, and I lost myself. And I blame myself because I was too arrogant to realize, too entitled to accept that you could fall for someone else. I just thought…” A hollow laugh left his mouth as he looked into space. “I was stupid, you see. I thought I had time. That our friendship would sooner or later turn into love.”
“Alex, I don’t…” What was he saying?
“Do you know…I never wanted to leave you alone in England, but you insisted I go backpacking in Europe with Sandi. You told me you wanted to be alone and, despite my hesitation, I went. I shouldn’t have gone.”
Despite my growing questions, I didn’t interrupt him, waiting in dread for his confession.
“When I was flying back from Spain three months later to come see you, I’d already made up my mind. I wanted to be more than friends. I’d broken up with Sandi and rushed home to tell you that I was in love with you.”
A faint image surfaced in my mind.
I was sitting in a room, talking on my phone. Alex was on the other end, telling me he was flying back tomorrow and had something very important to talk to me about.
“Vi, wait till I come back,” I recalled him telling me. “I have something big to share with you.”
“Me too!” I remembered myself replying. “I have some big news too, and I need your approval. I can’t wait, Alex. Come soon. I’ve been missing you like crazy.”
Alex was half-done the bottle, staring out the window, clearly reliving the past.
“Was this after you called?” I asked, hoping to make sense of the incident that had come to my mind, trying to realize if it was a memory or some manifestation of my thoughts.
He nodded but didn’t continue.
“Tell me what happened after. Tell me.” I took a few steps toward him, but he stood up, walking away from me.
“I don’t want to talk about it, Vi. It was the worst night of my life. I shouldn’t have brought it up.” His voice sounded defeated. His tie had come undone, hanging on his neck as he looked down and shook his head. “I don’t want to remember,” he whispered.
“But I need to remember!” My voice boomed in the room.
Alex’s steps faltered as he turned and looked at me. His eyes lost their glaze and became clear as he stared straight at me. “What?”
“You owe me that much. I need to know what happened in England.”
“What do you mean you need to know what happened? You were there!”
“No, Alex. I need to know everything. I need to understand. I need to remember, because…” I stared into his eyes as I finally acknowledged what my parents had said. “I don’t remember. I have no recollection of the summer.”
“What do you mean?” Alex asked, his tone full of shock. “Bullshit.”
“When did I leave England?”
He looked at me, befuddled. “The eighteenth of August. Why are you—”
“I had an accident on the twentieth of August,” I cut him off. “I almost died that night.” Alex gasped but I didn’t stop. “I was in a coma for four weeks, suffering from a head injury, and multiple fractures. Four months after that, the doctors diagnosed me with selective amnesia. I don’t remember anything for a few months before the accident, my memory completely wiped out. I just found that out tonight. I forgot and didn’t even know I’d forgotten a part of my life. My parents kept that from me to protect me from something horrible that happened to me in those missing months.” My eyes bored into his as he stumbled.
“You don’t remember anything?” His voice faltered.
“Nothing except what my parents told me tonight. I know now about the divorce and my reason for coming to England, and how I was different when I returned, even more broken and distressed. I don’t remember anything from my time in England. I don’t remember us having an affair, or—”
“Wait, what?” he asked, shocked. “Did you just say we had an affair?”
“My parents think that—”
“Oh my fucking God! They think we had an affair?” He shook his head in denial. “Why? Why the fuck would they think that?”
“Because I was so upset. Because…” My heart stopped at the words waiting on my tongue, I still couldn’t register the loss I’d suffered, still couldn’t remember being…
“Tell me, Vi.” His tone got harsher.
“You called and begged them to allow you to talk to me. Mom said—”
“I was calling to apologize, Vi. Is—”
“I was eight weeks pregnant when I had the accident.”
The bottle fell from Alex’s hand and crashed to the marble floor.
Shards of glass scattered everywhere, but neither of us budged, our eyes locked with each other as we struggled to breathe.
“You were pregnant?” he finally asked, his voice barely a whisper.
I nodded, fighting my own tears.
“And your parents think it was me?” Hands covering his face, he sank to the floor, a deep growl of agony leaving his lips. “How could I have been such a fool?” He groaned. “How could I not have seen? What the fuck has my life become?” Ragged, pained laughter filled the room as Alex came apart at my feet. “All this time…” he rasped, looking up at the ceiling. “I thought we had a chance, but I was too blind to notice how far gone you were. How foolish of me to still hold onto the idea of you and me.”
Silence filled the space between us. The pain of a friendship lost engulfed us in heartbreak as we both stared at each other for what felt like an eternity.
Finally, he stood up, his gaze changing from pain to need.
“Every step I take, I hear myself say to move on, to outgrow my childish notions and let you go. But somehow I can’t.”
Walking over the broken glass of the bottle, he covered the distance between us and stood face to face with me.
His proximity made me anxious. Where was this going?
“Despite being engaged and seeing very clearly how ridiculously drawn you are to my brother, and he to you, I can’t help but wonder what it would be like between us. I need to know. I need to know if what I feel for you is real. I need to know, Vi, I need to.” Closing the final steps, he grabbed me by the waist, giving me no room to process as he closed the gap and kissed me.
He kissed me with passion, and all the emotion he’d been holding in. His warm lips tried to entice me, to pull me in as his hands pulled me in, but I felt nothing. His kiss lacked the fire that awoke my senses. It didn’t unravel me the way Kingston’s kisses did.
How could we ever have been together when I didn’t feel anything in his kiss? I pushed Alex away.
He shook his head as his sad, remorseful eyes met mine. “Now I know.” He smiled, the pain huge in his eyes.
I looked at him with confusion.
“I loved you, Vienna Roy. And I always will, but you’re not for me. Now I know I was never meant to have you. And I’m sorry for ever letting my clouded emotions ruin your life. For that, I will forever be guilty.” He gave me a sad smile and took a step back. “I’m sorry. The kiss was just a goodbye, a parting gift that I stole from you, something I wanted to give myself because I’m a selfish man.” He gently caressed my cheeks as he looked at me with reverence. “Thank you. Today you finally made me see what’s been staring blatantly at me for the past five years. Now I know you don’t belong to me, Vienna. You never have.” Tears filled his eyes as he gave me a broken smile. “You were always his.”
“What are you talking about, Alex?” I asked, taken aback by his confession.
“I can’t believe I’m doing this.” Letting go of my face, he stepped back and looked me in the eyes.
“When you first saw Kingston, what did you feel?”
“Excuse me?” My heart skipped a beat at the mention of Kingston’s name. “What does he—”
“Just answer me, Vi.”
“I don’t know,” I said defensively. “Why are you asking me this?”
“You felt drawn to him, like you knew him. You couldn’t resist him, even if you tried. He stirred emotions in you you’d never felt before. He made you feel alive. He made you feel valued, like you mattered. He challenged you. He pushed you and pissed you off, but he also stood up and made you feel safe and wanted. He made you feel like he was the one for you. Is that right?”
Every word Alex had said felt like it had come out of my soul.
How did he know this? My heart beat frantically as I fought to remember something, tried to make sense of all the intense emotions I was feeling.
“These are your words. Vi. These were the words you said to me the day I returned from Spain. Your big news to me, before I could say anything, was that you’d fallen in love, and the person you’d fallen in love with was my older brother. These were the very words you shared with me as you told me how you fell for him, despite your million efforts. Minus the gory details, you told me everything from your first encounter, to your first fight, to your first kiss, completely unaware that as you told me about falling in love with my brother, I was breaking apart inside. I was living through the pain of feeling every inch of my heart ripping. With every word you spoke for Kingston, I started hating him, and you, for betraying me. My anger rose as I did the very thing I did today. I grabbed a bottle of liquor and drank it whole, finding the twisted courage to rip apart your heart.”
As Alex’s words sank in, my body froze, my mind and my soul rejoiced as the final piece of the puzzle snapped into place. The darkness dissipated for a moment as the truth came forward. But it was gone just as quickly as I realized what had been.
“I said things to you, Vi. I called you the cruelest names for picking my brother over me. I ripped apart your confidence and bragged about the fact that Kingston wasn’t serious about you. I broke you, Vi, I created doubts in your head. I pushed you to walk out of Kingston’s life, using your trust for me to convince you he didn’t give a shit about you.”
“Are you trying to tell me that Kingston and I were…?”
“Yes, you were together, and very much in love, but neither of you had confessed. You would have had I not come back and gotten in the way.” A self-deprecating laugh left him, his pain seeping into my bones. I couldn’t accept his confession, didn’t want to believe he was capable of being so cruel, and yet somewhere deep inside me, I knew he was telling the truth. I knew that all I’d felt for Kingston, all the dreams and undercurrents of emotions were nothing but old memories fighting to be recognized, for our long-lost love fighting to be acknowledged.
“You left him because of me. He hates you because of me, and even now, it’s because of me that you both aren’t together. He was the one who broke your heart, Vi, not me. It was him. He was the…” His words faltered. He shook his head frantically, fighting his personal hell. “It was his child,” he finally whispered. “Not mine.”
I shattered. Alex’s words undid me with the mere mention of Kingston’s name.
Kingston. The one I loved.
Kingston. The one who’d broken my heart.
Kingston. The father of the child I had no recollection of conceiving nor losing. The last thought broke me. My body gave out at the realization of my loss. I stumbled, and let go. I let go of everything I’d been holding onto, giving up, surrendering to the truth. Trapped memories of a forgotten past turned into tears and escaped, leaving me behind in a world of questions and never yielding agony. I had the answers now, but I was still lost, fighting to survive the darkness that threatened to engulf me. Tears turned into pleas, pleas turned into panic, but I couldn’t move. For an eternity, I just kneeled there on Alex’s pristine white marble floor, mourning everything I couldn’t remember losing.
Alex let me cry, fighting his own demons as he warred with the past too.
I wanted to hate him for what he’d done but I couldn’t. How could I, when he hated himself so much? I looked up at him through a veil of tears, hoping to understand, hoping to find my best friend behind the husk of a man that stood over me. Silently, I questioned him, and he blinked, fighting his own tears as he leaned in and pulled me up.
“Go to him.” He turned me toward the door and walked away.