Reckless Reasoning
An old flame still burned bright
An old indulgence coaxed him to fight
Unable to surpass the pain once felt
He chose to walk out; no way would he have knelt
Kingston
“Keep going, fight, and never give up.”
Those had been my father’s words to me and Alex every time we started losing focus and faith in where we were headed.
These words never rang so true in my life until after he was no longer there to tell me and show me what life was all about.
His death became my most prominent teacher. It taught me to be a man: to own up and take action. It made me responsible and aware of the things that truly mattered. It took away my foolishness and brought me the art of tact and tenacity.
Now I knew what I wanted in life, and I made sure nothing got in my way.
Not even the haunting memory of a particular amber-eyed girl.
But it all fell apart as my eyes locked with the very eyes I’d been trying to forget for the past five years.
Vienna.
I should’ve known it had been her.
And somewhere deep within me, I had.
How, I couldn’t say, but I’d known something was different as soon as I’d stepped back into the room.
The air surrounding the room had woken from the staleness it had carried just a few moments before, waking me up as I’d reentered the room.
My breath had turned angry and desperate as an essence of the time that had taken my soul by storm filled my being.
I’d stopped right behind her, unconsciously aware of her presence, but consciously fighting with the unexpected need that had clawed at my heart out of a sudden wanting her, remembering her, hating her, yet seeking her.
I’d moved toward my chair, but the craving within me had just gotten stronger.
Bracing my scattered, impossible thoughts, I sat, focusing on the task at hand.
Despite the constant prick that something was off, I’d continued and kept my head in the meeting, but seeing her in the flesh, standing in front of me, with a look of shock and surety all rolled up in one, it all made sense.
I wanted to react, but I stayed still, my eyes not willing to disengage from hers.
Swirls of emotions cascaded around me, tangling up my heart in a million unique ways.
The door that had been closed tightly opened with no effort, allowing memories of yesterday to flood my senses.
I remembered everything about her. From the smallest of details to the biggest of secrets no one knew about her. I remembered the very first time I’d seen her and the very last moment.
The not-so-warm hello to the frigid non-goodbye, the magnetic pull and the torrid push away, I remembered it all. My gaze held hers, neither of us willing to look away first.
We both were stubborn, and it looked like, despite the years apart, we still held on to our stubbornness.
An eternity seemed to have passed where neither of us moved or reacted.
Rage mixed with lust, dancing along the ghosts of love lost and long gone.
I wanted to explode.
I wanted to close my eyes and erase this reality.
I wanted to strangle her and ask her why.
I wanted to fuck her senseless and make her feel all that I’d been storing within myself, all the love she’d had and rejected so easily.
The last one took me by surprise, breaking my eye contact, reintroducing me to my almost butchered control.
My mind screamed with questions, but outward I stayed calm and patient.
I wanted to throw her out of here, away from me and my life.
I didn’t want anything to do with her.
I just wanted her gone.
How dare she come back? I almost rose from my chair, ready to snap, prepared to tell her to get out, when my impeccable manners acquired from spending all my summers with my English grandparents came rushing back.
I was too civilized to humiliate a female in front of my entire staff, no matter how vile she was.
I coughed and composed myself, and a voice called out from the other end of the table where it was almost too dark to make out who was talking.
“My apologies, sir.”
I tried to focus on who the person was, finally noticing the thick, black-rimmed glasses and realizing it was Mike. “For what, Mike?” I asked as I adjusted my composure as if setting my tie straight, discretely and with unwavering ease.
Looking away from her burning gaze helped me regain my equilibrium.
“Mr. Sharp, it’s just that Vienna…”
My heart sped up at the mention of her name, at the solidification of the reality that Vienna was indeed real and standing behind me and not just a figment of my imagination.
“What about Ms. Roy?” I spoke before I could stop myself.
A barely audible gasp passed her lips, making me realize that acknowledging her had maybe triggered that reaction.
“Uh, well, Ms. Roy has a little stage fright. She’s not really comfortable speaking in front of so many people. In fact, if you remember, last week she panicked and ran out of the meeting.”
Oh, I remembered, I remembered quite distinctly. It was the very reason memories of her face had stolen my sleep that night. Now I knew it hadn’t been my imagination or a twisted conjuring of my mind.
I turned my head, wanting to face her, when a weak sigh left her lips in protest.
She stopped before adding anything.
Something didn’t add up.
I turned and looked at her, really looked at her, seeing for the first time who was standing in front of me.
It wasn’t Vienna.
Standing in front of me, in a dull beige dress was a dull and not-so-intriguing replica of the girl I’d known.
There was nothing Vienna-like about this girl, except for her blazing eyes that were filled with dread—another emotion I’d never seen in the eyes of the Vienna I’d known.
And the curls I’d always loved to be wild? Stubbornly pulled into a sad bun.
Again, confusion bled into my mind at her nervous body language.
Vienna was anything but scared. Her body looked skinnier than before, her curves barely there, hiding behind that not-so-flattering, dull ensemble.
I’d known everything about her, once upon a time. My gaze wandered up her body in a casual observation, taking in the changes I saw for the first time. With every new change, I felt further and further away from the Vienna I had in my head. This woman couldn’t be her.
No. There was no way.
Slowly, my gaze reached her breasts, catching a little shimmer by her dress collar. Her hand covered it, and she started fidgeting with it.
Strange.
Her body reeked of nervous energy.
Her legs shook, and she grasped her collar as if her life depended on it.
Her fingers were bare, no rings on a particular finger, giving me a twisted sense of ease.
She wasn’t married.
Why do you care? said voice from within.
I don’t. I scanned upward to her full lips.
Slight gloss made them even fuller, tempting me to the brink with the urge to taste them.
But I kept looking, finally reaching her nervous gaze.
Once again, our gazes locked, and everything became clear and hazy at the same time.
Her eyes lacked the fire they’d once held, and yet it hadn’t died. I could sense it still there, hidden, waiting to be unleashed.
I couldn’t understand what my mind was thinking, but it was way out of my control at this point.
I was too invested in trying to untangle the chaos that was wrapping around my calm.
I stared for another second before realizing I had a room full of waiting associates who didn’t care about my inner turmoil. So, without delving further into my confusion, I sat up straight and did what I had to do to get this situation under control. She no longer held any rights to any part of my being and trying to figure her out was just messing with my head.
Whatever she was today didn’t matter.
She didn’t matter.
Time to move on.
After sneaking a glimpse at the presentation on my desk, I looked back at her, pushing aside the new set of questions starting to rise as I wondered what she was doing working as a Financial Analyst. Hadn’t she been studying to be a journalist?
Who had she become, and why was she here now?
What game was she playing?
“Did you make this presentation, Ms. Roy?” I asked, looking straight into her eyes, no longer affected by her presence.
When this part of me took over, I was steel, and nothing could break my resolve, not even a girl from my past.
She jumped at my question.
Her reaction didn’t sit well, but I didn’t let it deter me.
She looked around as though trying to find something. Maybe the guts to respond?
It all seemed like an act to me. It was pissing me off. Her demeanor was starting to annoy me, not because of her nervousness—we all had moments when we became nervous—but because it was so unlike her.
She just stood there like a statue, unmoving, unresponsive.
My anger ran short, threatening to pour out with my words, but I held on. “Ms. Roy,” I pushed again.
Mike intervened before she could respond. “Sir, I think she’s having another panic attack. If you’re okay with it, I can take over for her.”
I didn’t look in his direction when I responded. “Ms. Roy, answer me. Did you prep this presentation?”
“Sir.”
“Mike, no need to add anything to this matter.” I stopped him midway, my gaze fixed solely on her. “I’m just asking her a question, and the least she can do is respond. So, answer me, Ms. Roy. Or is it too complicated a question?”
Something steeled in her eyes, a slight gust of anger.
She closed her eyes and took a few breaths, her hands turning into tight fists as she most likely talked to herself, prepping herself to answer.
Her new, weak demeanor bothered me. It annoyed and aggravated me.
It made me want to rip her open and expose the way the wheels in her mind were turning right now.
I wasn’t so naïve to believe I would never have to cross paths with her.
In fact, I’d prepared myself. I’d been ready to face her. Then her fake greeting and the formal how are you doing? How’s life and all that bullshit? threw me off. But I was even prepared for her to completely neglect what she’d done in the past and act like nothing had ever happened.
But I wasn’t prepared for this version of her.
This quiet, unsure, ‘I don’t know who you are’ kind of girl didn’t work for me.
How could she act so unaware? How could she be so dismissive of the past we’d shared while standing in front of me as though she were just another employee? What was her angle?
My temper flared at her inconsideration, and I lost a little chip of my control, raising the volume of my voice. “Ms. Roy, we don’t have all day, and no one has the patience to wait until you can muster the courage to form a single syllable. Stop being so self-involved.”
“Look who’s talking, hypocrite.”
I couldn’t believe she’d said that.
How dare she? And yet, from the look of horror forming in her eyes, it appeared she couldn’t believe it either.
Her hands were covering her mouth, and her body was shivering.
“Excuse me?”
She shook her head, turning to run away.
“Don’t even think about leaving.”
Her eyes stretched wide as she looked at me, her hands dropping, her mind trying to realize what I’d just said. We were starting to make a scene, but at this point, I didn’t care. I had to show my team this kind of behavior wasn’t acceptable.
“Apologize to everyone for your behavior, and for wasting their time, and then go. I don’t think you deserve to run this project.”
Her eyes bugged out. Her body stopped shivering as rage took over, making her shake with fury.
“Do it, Ms. Roy. Apologize,” I added, my tone firm, my grip on the edge of the desk tight.
“I didn’t do anything wrong.” Her voice cracked, bordering between rage and fear.
“You’re here to do a presentation, yet you’ve been standing here for the past ten minutes like a lifeless dummy, wasting everybody’s time.” My eyes bored into her, challenging her.
“I would like to present.”
“Excuse me?”
Ignoring me completely, she took a deep breath, transforming from a meek little kitten into a fierce tigress right in front of my eyes.
My cock lurched to attention as my heart connected with the true essence of her.
Here was a glimpse of the Vienna I’d known. But my mind raged at the games she was playing. I hated it.
“Ms. Roy, apologize,” I said with more force.
“I didn’t do anything wrong. I was just nervous.”
“Apologize.”
Our eyes locked, and our verbal battle turned into a silent war.
Fury swirled around us in a red rage.
Her eyes burned bright like molten embers.
The hoax she walked with the nervous, scared persona disintegrated, and then came alive the very female I despised with all my heart, the very heart that had fallen for her without my consent a long time ago.
Our stares became volcanic.
The world closed in on us.
Her eyes smirked and challenged me.
There’s nothing you can do to make me surrender, they yelled.
Don’t be so sure. I know exactly how to break you.
She blinked at my statement, looking away and shrinking in on herself.
I felt dead as the contact broke, ripping apart my heart, making me feel hollow and broken, a feeling I’d worked so hard to forget over the years.
My silent threat came back to me, making me realize the error of my words.
I didn’t know how to break her. It was a lie.
The truth was, it was she who could break me—already had, in fact.
“I am sorry.” A weak, fragile apology echoed through the room and into my distracted mind.
She looked at me and blinked away the tears that were threatening to pour out.
Her tears undid me.
Anger warped into need.
I ached to take away her pain. I cursed at my insolence, but my pride and my past stopped me from reacting.
“I’m sorry, sir, I didn’t mean to.”
Wait. Was she apologizing to me? I looked at her, the proof in her eyes. They looked defeated. I didn’t like it.
She bowed her head and started collecting her things.
“What do you think you’re doing?” I blurted on impulse, not ready to let her go yet, not before I mended this.
Her head snapped up as she looked at me. “Leaving.”
“Why?”
“I, uh…”
“Ms. Roy, you have a presentation to give. Everyone’s waiting.”
“But Mr. Perry can take over.”
“No buts, you’re doing it. It’s your presentation, so present it. I’m giving you another chance. Don’t test my patience, Ms. Roy.”
I fought to hold on to my deteriorating composure, trying to be professional, as she struggled to accept my offer.
I couldn’t stand her, and if she defied me, swear to fucking God, I would strangle this woman.
“Begin.” I settled in my chair and steeled myself.
It was going to be one fucking joyride working with her.