I had the crappiest day ever. Besides not hearing from Eric, a deal I didn’t anticipate having problems with had fallen through and another seemed headed that way. But the worst news came mid-afternoon. One of my co-workers who’d been battling cancer had died, leaving a loving wife and two small children behind.
And here I was arguing with Eric over what now seemed like trivial matters. My life could end tomorrow. I’d try harder to please him.
When I pulled into the driveway I saw Eric’s car and breathed a sigh of relief. I couldn’t believe how much I’d missed him. He was working in his office and I walked in. ‘About last night,’ I said. ‘I’m sorry. I really am. It won’t happen again.’
He stood. ‘Come here.’ He hugged me. ‘I wish you wouldn’t make me yell at you. I don’t like yelling at you.’
‘I’m sorry. I’ll try harder. Promise.’
Eric smiled. ‘So how was your day?’
‘Not great.’ I explained about the contract falling through and about my co-worker dying.
‘I’m sorry,’ Eric said. ‘Do you want to hit the gym?’
I shook my head. ‘Just not feeling it tonight.’
‘How about we grab a bite to eat out? I’ve been wanting to try that new Mexican restaurant in town.’
‘Sounds great. Let me freshen up first.’
I changed my clothes and returned a few minutes later. ‘Ready?’
Eric grabbed his satchel and we left.
‘I just realized we hadn’t talked about your day. How was it?’ I asked on the way to the restaurant.
‘Very good. Can’t complain at all.’
I wanted to tell him how hurt I was he hadn’t responded to my multiple texts but feared another argument, so I didn’t bring it up.
We were greeted by a wall of Mexican sombreros when we entered the restaurant. The place was cheerful and bright, with yellow, pink, blue and green walls covered with bright Mexican baskets and other items. We were seated at a booth.
‘Love all the colors,’ I said.
Eric looked around. ‘It’s definitely colorful. I hope the food is good.’
A young man approached our table. He was very good-looking, tall and thin with a smile that I’m sure cost his parents thousands.
‘Hi, my name’s Josh. I’ll be your server tonight.’
‘Hi, Josh,’ I said, noticing he was wearing a T-shirt from my alma mater. ‘Are you a student at Penn State?’
He smiled. ‘Yes.’
‘That’s where I went. What year?’
‘I’m a senior. I’m student teaching at Northeastern High School in math.’
‘Good luck.’
‘Thanks.’
We ordered margaritas and when Josh returned with our drinks, he took our food order.
I sipped my margarita as my mind drifted to thoughts of my co-worker and his family. ‘I can’t believe Andy’s gone.’
Eric didn’t say anything. I thought he’d at least try to console me. I was obviously upset about Andy dying. Josh returned with our meals.
‘That was quick,’ I remarked.
‘We aim to please,’ Josh said as he slid the plates in front of us. ‘Be careful, the dishes are hot. Can I get you anything else?’
I smiled. ‘I think we’re good for now. Thanks.’
I scooped some salsa sauce on top of my chicken enchiladas. Eric dug into his beef burritos.
‘How are the burritos?’ I asked, tasting my enchiladas.
‘Okay.’ He didn’t look up at me.
‘Just okay?’ I asked.
This time he looked at me. ‘They’re good, okay?’
From the tone of his voice and troubled expression, I could tell he was upset.
‘Is everything alright?’ I asked him. ‘You’re quiet.’
He stabbed his burrito with his fork. ‘I just don’t feel like talking.’
He definitely was irritated but I had no idea why. As soon as we got into the car, he flipped out. His arms flailed and he started shouting. ‘How dare you flirt with the waiter!’
‘What? I was just being nice.’
He thrust his keys into the ignition. ‘You were flirting with him. Right in front of my eyes.’
‘Eric, I was not. He wore a T-shirt from my alma mater. I was just trying to be nice.’
‘Well, it didn’t look that way to me.’ He sped out of the parking lot.
I sighed. I was beginning to feel that nothing I did was right. ‘Eric, I love you. I wasn’t flirting with the waiter. I don’t want anyone else but you. Besides, he was just a kid. He could have been my kid.’
He slammed the dashboard with his fist and I jumped in my seat. ‘You will not do that again.’
I froze. I was beginning to feel as if I was dealing with my alcoholic mom all over again. I grew up walking on egg shells, never knowing when something I did or said would set her off. So, I tried to be good all the time and, when she did go bat-shit crazy, I’d cower in a corner and shut down. Or escape to Jackie’s house. It was easier that way. I was quiet the rest of the drive home. Eric didn’t say anything either. That night, we slept in separate beds – again.
In the morning, I dressed for the gym. Before we fought the night before, we’d made plans to work out together in the morning. I wasn’t sure if Eric would still go, but I didn’t want to miss cycling class.
I finished my protein shake and was just about ready to walk out the door when Eric walked into the kitchen.
‘Where do you think you’re going?’ he snarled.
‘Uh, to the gym.’
‘Think again,’ he said firmly. ‘You will not be going to the gym dressed like that.’
I looked down at my clothes. I had on black cycling shorts and a tank top. ‘I don’t understand. What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?’
‘You look like a whore waiting to turn a trick on the street corner. Put on a T-shirt.’
‘But it’s so hot in the cycling room,’ I pleaded.
‘Do not argue with me. Do it!’ His teeth clenched in anger and I left to put on a T-shirt.
When we arrived at the gym, I went straight to the indoor cycling class and Eric headed to the locker room to change into his cycling shoes. I was adjusting my seat when a man I’d never seen before sat in the seat in front of me.
‘Excuse me,’ the man said. ‘My name is Ed. This is my first class. Can you show me how to change the height of the seat and raise the handlebar?’
My heart started to race. Between Eric accusing me of flirting with the waiter at the Mexican restaurant the night before and dressing provocatively to attract men at the gym this morning, I was terrified of what he’d do if he saw me helping Ed. I glanced at the door. I didn’t want to be rude. I remembered my first class and how the instructor helped me. Unfortunately, the instructor hadn’t arrived yet.
‘Sure.’ I walked over and glanced at the door again. ‘See this knob under the seat? Just pull it out to move the seat up and down. The saddle should be parallel to your hip bone. I usually stand next to the seat when adjusting it to get the right height.’
‘What about these other knobs?’ Ed asked.
Again, I glanced at the door, wishing the instructor would arrive so he could help Ed instead.
I took a deep breath and pointed to the knob over the handlebar. ‘This moves it back and forth. The one under the handlebar moves it up and down.’
‘Got it,’ Ed said.
I was demonstrating proper posture when I heard Eric clear his throat. I turned around. ‘Oh, Eric. This is Ed. Ed, this is Eric, my husband.’ I stressed husband.
Ed shook Eric’s hand and I’m sure he noticed his sourpuss face, too. ‘So we have a newbie tonight?’ The instructor walked through the door and over to us. ‘Hi, I’m Jim. Welcome to class. I see Shelly got you started.’
I hopped off the bike. ‘But I’m more than happy to let the pro handle it.’ I felt a rush of relief as Jim took over.
I went back to my bike and finished adjusting my seat and handlebars. I’d saved Eric a seat next to me, but he went and sat on the other side of the room. I looked over at him but he stared straight ahead at the wall.
Eric and I usually did some weight training after cycle class, but he told me we were going home.
As soon as we got into the car he started on me.
‘I thought you weren’t going to flirt with any more men,’ he said.
I could feel my blood pressure rising. ‘I’m sorry. I wasn’t flirting. It was his first class.’
‘And why did you have to be the one to help him?’
‘He asked me.’
‘Let me get this straight,’ he said in a condescending tone. ‘He asked you to help him when he could have asked one of the gorgeous women in class? Why would he choose a beast over a beauty?’
My chin wobbled. I couldn’t keep from crying and I sobbed the whole way home.
Over the next couple of weeks, I found myself afraid to look or speak to another man when I was with Eric for fear he’d misinterpret my actions. I also hadn’t met Jackie for tacos at Tony’s because I didn’t want Eric to think Jackie was more important than him.
There were days when I was a beauty and days when I was a beast. I felt as if I were walking on thin ice and that at any moment I was going to fall through and drown. I became much more anxious. But when Eric loved me, he loved me totally and completely. I lived for those moments, when my white knight reappeared.
It was the night before my breast surgery and I showered, thinking about the next day. I ran my hands over my breasts. They fit perfectly in the palms of my hands. I imagined trying to cup my new double D breasts and them spilling out like a wad of pizza dough.
Eric was in bed reading when I walked in towel drying my hair. He sat the book on the nightstand. He motioned me to come closer. ‘Let me see you.’
I walked closer.
‘Drop the towel.’
I dropped the towel.
‘You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known. Come, let me show you.’
‘You don’t want me to put on sexy lingerie?’
‘Not tonight. I’ll give you a break.’
I lay down beside him and he turned off the small lamp on the nightstand. He turned towards me and kissed and caressed my entire body. I couldn’t remember the last time he hadn’t restrained my wrists. It felt so good to be able to wrap my arms around him as he took me so high I thought I’d die.
After, I snuggled up next to him and put my head on his chest.
‘Are you nervous about tomorrow?’ Eric asked.
‘A little, I guess.’
‘Don’t be. I’ll be there. Everything will be fine. You’ll look great. And after you heal, I’ll take you shopping for some new bras and clothes.’
‘You love me, right?’
‘Why would you even ask a thing after what we just did?’ Eric kissed the top of my head.
I drew circles on his chest with my index finger. ‘I guess I mean that you’d still love me if I didn’t get breast implants.’
He kissed my head again. ‘Yes, of course. We went over this before. I’ll love you either way. I just think you’d look better being a little larger. Think of the fun we’ll have with them.’
‘Good God, Eric. It’s not like they’re some kind of toy.’
‘Yes, of course. I didn’t mean it like that. And I suppose I will enjoy them more than you. And I love that you love me enough to do this for me. It shows your loyalty.’
Loyalty seemed like a strange word, but I didn’t challenge Eric. I’d stopped challenging him on things I would’ve taken issue with months ago. I just didn’t want to get into another fight. It was easier to let him win and have his way. I wanted to make him happy. And I learned that when I made him happy, he made me happy.
On the way to my surgery, Eric asked if there was anything special I wanted.
‘I probably won’t eat much today,’ I said.
He chuckled. ‘I wasn’t talking about after the surgery. I was talking about in life. Is there anything special you want? Like a new car?’
I shook my head. ‘No, not really. I like my sedan and it’s only two years old. Why? Are you getting tired of your SUV?’
‘Kind of,’ he said. ‘I’ve always wanted a BMW.’
I knew Eric well enough that if he brought something up, he’d been thinking about it for a while. ‘They’re expensive, aren’t they?’
He pulled into the surgical center parking lot. ‘Yes, but it sure would be nice to have one. Sort of like you getting bigger breasts.’
I wanted to tell him that one of the reasons, perhaps the main reason, I was getting bigger breasts was to look better for him. But I didn’t want to make a scene in the middle of the parking lot or get myself stressed before my surgery. So instead I told him we’d talk about it later.
We got out of the car and walked inside. My phone buzzed and I pulled it out of my purse. It was a text from Jackie.
Thinking of you. Good luck. Call me later.
I checked in with the receptionist, confirming all my medical information. I was the first appointment of the day and the waiting room was vacant. Eric and I sat near the flat-screen TV mounted on the wall so we could watch the morning news. I hadn’t expected to be so anxious. I couldn’t stop shaking my leg.
‘Are you okay?’ Eric put his arm around me.
‘Guess I’m just a little scared,’ I said, wringing my hands.
Eric took my hands in his. ‘Don’t be. Dr Curry is the best in the business. I’ll never let anything bad happen to you.’
I jumped in my seat when the door opened and a woman in blue scrubs stepped out. ‘Shelly Talbot?’
I took a deep breath and stood.
‘Can I come back with her?’ Eric asked.
The nurse nodded. ‘You can stay with her until she goes in for the surgery.’
Eric helped me change into the pink hospital gown the nurse had left along with a pair of soft socks. He kissed my forehead. ‘You’re going to be fine. I promise.’
I knew Eric was trying to reassure me, but I also knew that every surgery involved risk. I’d read stories online about implant infections and how painful recovery is. I was afraid of ending up worse than when I started. I hadn’t told anyone, not even Jackie, but I’d had a nightmare that my breasts turned black and shriveled up like dried prunes. I just wanted to get the surgery over with.
I was glad Dr Curry could place the implant above my chest muscle. It meant less pain and a quicker recovery. Eric held my hand while I waited, constantly reassuring me. When the nurses came to take me to the operating room, he kissed me. ‘I love you and I’ll be here when you wake up.’