I picked up my cell phone to tell Jackie everything. How I’d made the biggest mistake of my life. How the man of my dreams had turned into the man of my nightmares. How my life had become a vicious cycle of heaven and hell – and more hell than heaven these days. I started dialing the number and stopped. I couldn’t. I felt ashamed and stupid.
Instead, I went to the kitchen and walked over to the wooden block holding the knives. My entire body shook as I pulled one out and examined the blade. It was shiny and sharp. For a second, I considered cutting my wrist. I trembled and dropped the knife.
I felt like the biggest loser and I didn’t know what to do. How could I possibly break my vows? How could this possibly be fixed? How could I be with a man who found fault in everything I did and who obviously hated me so much despite holding me at night and telling me how much he loved me?
But I couldn’t leave him. If I left Eric, I’d have less than when I married him. All my savings went into buying this house. I didn’t even have a car in my name. I’d given away my furniture and most of my household possessions. I would be starting over completely.
I had to make this marriage work. I’d invested too much and would walk away with nothing.
I picked up the knife and slid it back in the block. Izzy followed me into the bedroom, where I cried myself to sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night and my heart raced. Eric stood next to the bed, staring at me.
‘Are you awake?’ he whispered in a gentle voice.
‘Yes, you scared me.’
‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘I didn’t mean to.’
I sat up. ‘I’m sorry I was late getting home. I just hadn’t seen Jackie in a long time.’
Eric brushed my hair with the palm of his hand. ‘I know, sweetheart. It’s just that when I give you a time to be home and you’re not, I think the worst.’
‘But you have the app on your phone,’ I said. ‘You could see where I was.’
‘But you might have forgotten your phone. You could’ve headed home on time and got into an accident. I couldn’t bear losing you. You know that, right? You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman. You’re the most beautiful woman I know.’
He leaned down to kiss my head. ‘Can I hold you?’
‘Yes,’ I whispered.
He crawled in next to me. ‘I hate when you make me so angry. Don’t make me get angry like that again. I don’t like hurting you, you know that, right?’
‘Yes.’
I didn’t want to tell him I loved him, but I knew if I didn’t it might set him off. ‘I love you more.’
‘That’s my darling. Good girl. Now go to sleep. I’ll make you breakfast in the morning.’
This had become my life now, a revolving door of highs and lows, love and hate. Eric’s crazy outbursts grew exponentially over the ensuing weeks. I did everything in my power to avoid them, but sometimes he’d start on me, unprovoked.
He’d adore me and buy me gifts and make unbelievable love to me and I’d think everything was great and the next thing I knew he was calling me an ungrateful bitch and disappearing for days at a time with no communication, only to return to start the cycle over again.
When I was a good girl, as Eric called me, I was rewarded. When I misbehaved, I was punished. He’d yell for hours, then ignore me for days. So, I tried to be a good girl all the time.
The next morning, I was getting ready for work when Eric walked in.
‘Are you spending all your allowance?’ he asked.
‘Yes, why?’
‘You haven’t had a manicure and pedicure in ages.’
It was true. I hadn’t. And I lied about spending all the allowance he gave me. The truth was, I’d been squirreling it away. Shortly after we married, Eric had proposed living off his salary and banking my checks. It made sense. He made enough to cover our living expenses and if we could save what I made we’d have a nice nest egg in a few years. Part of the agreement was that Eric would give me a set amount each week, enough to cover gas, food and other incidentals. He’d pay for everything else.
The first few weeks, it worked well. Every Friday, he’d hand me a wad of bills when I came home from work. But lately, I’ve had to ask him for money and I don’t like feeling as if I’m begging. I knew I could get money out of the bank if I needed it, but I didn’t want to do that, because he’d flip out. So, once again, I shut down to avoid his anger.
‘I just didn’t think it was necessary,’ I told him. ‘Besides, you haven’t given me any money in a while.’
He pulled out his wallet. ‘All you have to do is ask.’
I bit my bottom lip, mulling whether to say what was on the tip of my tongue. ‘But I shouldn’t have to ask. That was our agreement.’ I swallowed hard as I watched his face contort and his nostrils flare. ‘Wasn’t it?’ I managed to squeak out.
He threw the money at me. ‘Take care of yourself, Shelly. You’re starting to look like a frumpy old woman.’
He left and I picked up the bills and stashed them in my wallet. Then I called to make an appointment with my nail technician.
When I walked into the office, all the women came running over to me.
‘Guess what Eric did?’ Patty said.
‘My Eric?’
Patty nodded. ‘He sent each of us a flower arrangement.’
My hand flew to my chest. ‘He did?’ Eric never did anything unless it benefited him. I figured this latest move was an attempt to shore up the image others saw. He wanted to be seen as a loving husband.
Patty handed me the card that was attached to the arrangement.
Thank you for taking such good care of Shelly at work. Fondly, Eric Talbot
‘Wow, that was nice.’
‘There’s one on your desk, too,’ Patty said. ‘You hit the jackpot with that man, Shelly. He’s a definite keeper.’
Yeah, right. If only you knew!
I walked over to my desk and found a beautiful crystal vase filled with roses. I opened the card. Thinking of you, darling. Love, Eric
I pulled out my phone to text him. I knew he’d be waiting to hear from me. He needed adoration like an addict needed drugs. A part of me didn’t want to send a message, but I feared if I didn’t he’d rage when I got home about me being an ungrateful bitch. Everyone loves their flowers. I do, too. Thanks!
He texted back. I’m glad. Have a great day!
That weekend, Eric surprised me by ordering a picnic lunch from Charlotte’s Place, something I’d suggested previously but he’d abruptly dismissed.
‘I figured we’d pick it up and go to the park,’ he explained. ‘We don’t have to eat right away, though. We could hike a trail or just people watch.’
I smiled. ‘Sounds like fun.’
I waited in the car while Eric went into Charlotte’s to pick up the picnic bundle.
I texted Jackie.
Eric’s taking me to park. Bought a picnic lunch.
She texted back. How romantic! Wish I had your life!!!!
I wanted to say No you don’t. Instead I wrote: Love you! Talk to you later!
I looked up from texting and recognized a man from church coming out of the restaurant. Eric was right behind him. I immediately looked down hoping the man wouldn’t see me. I didn’t want Eric to accuse me of flirting with him if the man stopped to chat. Sometimes, I think Eric fabricated infractions just to see how I’d react.
This wasn’t the real me. The real me was outgoing and talkative, or used to be. But slowly I was becoming a shell of my former self. I knew it was happening, but I put Eric’s happiness ahead of my own. After all, I’d married him for better or worse. I figured things couldn’t get much worse, so they soon had to get better. At least I hoped.