When I left the road and turned down the stone lane leading to the cabin, I felt as though I had traveled back in time. I hadn’t been to the cabin since Jackie and I were teens, but as I approached it everything was just as I remembered.
The two-story log structure was more house than cabin. Jackie’s dad had built it and included all the modern amenities.
I put the car in park and looked up at the huge stone chimney and wide front porch. I smiled when I noticed the porch swing. Jackie and I had spent many summer days there. And the rockers were still side by side, where her parents sat and watched us play.
I heard Jackie’s car door slam and it jerked me back to the present. I got out of the car and followed her into the cabin.
I walked into the living room and turned in a circle. ‘Everything is just like I remember.’ I pointed to the plaid tan sofa and chair. ‘Even the furniture hasn’t changed.’
Jackie laughed. ‘Dad did finally have to get a new recliner. Charlie, the black Labrador they adopted a few years back, jumped on it and broke it. Let me show you around.’
I followed Jackie into the kitchen and then down the hallway to the bathroom and bedrooms. ‘Which bedroom would you like to sleep in?’
I pointed to the one behind her. ‘How about that one? Didn’t we sleep in there when we were kids?’
Jackie opened the door. ‘Sure did, and it still has the same two single beds. I always slept in the right one and you always took the left.’
I smiled. ‘Will you sleep in here with me tonight?’
‘I wouldn’t have it any other way.’
We unloaded the rest of our things and Jackie filled the kettle on the stove to make some instant coffee. ‘Are you going to be okay staying here by yourself?’
‘I think so. It’ll give me the space and time I need to think. And I’ll have Izzy to keep me company.’
Izzy was already exploring the cabin and I figured she’d scout out a few prime sitting spots.
I checked my cell phone and showed Jackie Eric’s latest texts. I could tell he was getting angrier by the hour. He’d have gone ballistic at me by now if I was at home. Just the thought of him turning dark knight with his flaring nostrils and beady eyes in my face made me shudder.
Jackie read the texts out loud.
Where are you? Called four times. Answer me!!
Just realized you took tracker off your phone.
Coming home early. We need to talk.
Jackie handed the phone back to me. ‘What an ass!’
We made instant coffee and went outside and sat on the porch swing.
‘You didn’t want bigger boobs, did you?’
I sighed. ‘Yes and no. I can’t blame that one completely on Eric. You know I’ve always felt inferior in that department. Eric assured me that he loved me just the way I was, but I knew he thought I’d look better with bigger breasts. I wanted to make him happy, so I did it. I just wish I hadn’t let him talk me into going so large. I knew I’d feel uncomfortable having boobs that big, and I do. Looking back, I can’t believe I loved him so much that I was willing to change my body for him. How sick is that?’
‘Don’t be so hard on yourself,’ Jackie said. ‘At least you’re away from him now and safe.’
I sipped my coffee. ‘You know I’ve waited my whole life for “the one.” I thought Scott was the one, but he wasn’t. When Eric came along, I thought my chance of finding the one had long sailed. But there he was, everything I wanted in a man. Loving, caring. We shared the same dreams, wanted the same things, or at least that’s what I thought. Or he led me to believe.’
Jackie and I just swung in silence for a minute.
‘Did I ever tell you about the satchel?’ I finally spoke.
‘The one he carries? I mean I’ve seen him with it. More men seem to be carrying them nowadays, although Bruce wouldn’t be caught dead with one.’
‘Yes, that one. It bothers me. Always has.’
I explained how Eric always had to have the satchel with him.
‘Did you ever ask him about it?’ Jackie asked.
‘I did. Well, sort of. I went to touch it and he snapped. He said it was like my purse and he’d never search my purse without asking me first. Likewise, I was never to search his satchel.’
‘That’s strange.’
‘Tell me about it. At first, it didn’t bother me. But the more time he spent away from home, the more obsessed I became with what might be inside that satchel.’
‘And you never looked inside it?’
‘Are you kidding me? I was afraid to. Just recently I thought I’d mustered up enough courage to, but he came home and I never got a chance.’
I cried as I relived that awful night. Him shoving the mirror in my face, forcing me to kneel on the floor. The horror poured out of me in one long monologue. It was as if I had to tell Jackie everything, in order to purge the toxins from my soul so it could heal.
Jackie held my hand but didn’t interrupt. At one point, I realized we’d stopped swinging.
‘It was one of the worst nights,’ I continued. ‘Well, until last night.’
I looked at Jackie and her face was wet with tears. ‘I’m so, so sorry, Shel, I wasn’t there for you earlier.’
‘You didn’t know. You believed what I wanted you to believe, saw what I wanted you to see. But it was all a lie, an illusion met to disguise reality.’
‘The disguise worked. I thought you had the perfect marriage. You had everything I wanted, or so I thought. A man who took you shopping, bought you flowers every week and went out of his way to show his love. God, this world is so fucked up.’
‘No, Jack, people are. Eric is. I swear, if I ever get out of this mess…’
‘You mean when.’
‘Yes, when I get out of this mess I’m never even going to look at another man. It will be just me and Izzy.’
Jackie and I talked into the night, stopping only to make sandwiches. At some point we stumbled to our beds. I tucked the flashlight Jackie had given me under my pillow.
‘Goodnight, Jackie.’
‘Goodnight.’