A year later
Looking back, I see all the red flags. I see the little things I dismissed that weren’t little at all. I see the excuses I made and the numerous times I didn’t listen to my inner self. It’s terrifying to realize that the person I thought I knew well was not that person at all.
I feel a cocktail of emotions: shock, shame, confusion and sadness. I can’t believe I was in such a painful and toxic relationship. How could I be the love of Eric’s life one moment and his whore, less than a zero, the next? How did I not love myself enough to walk away sooner? How did I not protect myself, financially and otherwise? How could I be so stupid?
I’d be lying if I told you I’ve completely healed. I still have bad days. I still doubt myself. I still fear being conned by a man. Sometimes I’m convinced that every man I meet is a narcissist in disguise.
Overcoming the self-blame, triggered by my feelings of guilt, shame and unworthiness, was more difficult than I imagined. But slowly my feelings of disempowerment have healed and I have managed to forgive myself.
Whenever I stand naked in front of the mirror, I see the scars under my pancake breasts. Scars that will be there forever, reminders of the hell I have survived. As soon as I could, I had the implants removed. I learned that changing myself to make someone else happy only makes me miserable. If a man can’t accept me for who I am, they aren’t worth having. No one has the right to tell me what I need or what is wrong with me.
I’m slowly rebuilding my confidence. I reached out for help and although my journey is far from over, each day is a little brighter than the last.
Just recently I heard from Matt, my high school sweetheart. We’ve been talking over the phone, nothing more. I’m not sure there will ever be more with anyone. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to trust or love a man again. Sometimes I feel so damaged I can’t possibly see how anyone would want me.
Eric is in jail. It turns out there was more evil in him than I ever could’ve imagined. He secretly taped tenants in the houses he rented to coeds. He installed tiny cameras in the bathrooms and bedrooms, hiding them behind mirrors and in cabinets and ceiling fans. Some of the cameras turned on with the flip of a light switch. The cameras fed the images to a recording system in the basement, and he viewed them via the internet.
Along with the videos, there were various bondage items in the satchel along with panties, each tagged with a woman’s name. He apparently collected lingerie from the women he abused.
I don’t know what I would’ve done without Jackie and Bruce. They pulled me from the rubble and helped me pick up the pieces of my broken life. I moved back near them.
I’m thankful I found Lisa, who has helped me heal. We’ve compared notes, though her journey was so different to my own. We both endured the verbal and physical abuse and have survived with enough scars to last a lifetime.
I long to share my story, to help others who might be caught in a narcissist’s web of lies and deceit. You’re stronger than you think. Braver than you realize. You will survive. It’s not easy. It doesn’t happen overnight. But one day you’ll be able to look back on the time you spent with your narcissist and realize that you made it out.
You survived.
You’re a winner.
You matter.
They are nothing.