The weather was unusually warm so the park was crowded for a fall day. Eric retrieved the picnic basket from the back seat and a blanket from the trunk of the car. We found a shady spot under a large maple tree. Eric spread the blanket out on the grass and we sat down, watching the sailboats on the lake.
‘We should get a sailboat,’ Eric said. ‘Everyone always looks like they’re having a great time.’
‘You know I’m not crazy about being in deep water,’ I told Eric.
Ever since I was a little girl, I always had to be able to touch the pool or lake bottom and have my shoulders and head exposed.
‘But you’d wear a life vest,’ Eric said. ‘And I’d take care of you.’
I didn’t say anything. I remembered what Eric had told me about being afraid of depths after he nearly drowned diving for sand dollars as a young boy, but I didn’t bring it up for fear it would set him off. Still, I wondered what he’d do if I dove into the water. Would he come after me?
‘Well, it’s something to think about,’ he said.
I yawned. ‘Boy, I’m tired.’
Eric patted the blanket. ‘Go ahead. Lie down and take a nap.’
I lay down under the leafy canopy that had started to change colors. Splashes of orange and red and yellow melted into one another. Of course, small amounts of these colors had been in the leaves all along, but we can’t see them in summer because they’re covered up by the green chlorophyll. Funny how it made me think of Eric. Had there been hints of the evil that lurked inside of him, covered up by the image he presented before we were married?
Now it was time for the trees to rest and live off the food they’d stored during the summer when there was enough light and water for photosynthesis. Could I do the same? Could I survive the winter of my marriage by holding onto the golden days of sunshine and bliss my white knight had provided?
I wasn’t sure. When we fear, we lose freedom. I was losing mine.
I dozed off for about fifteen minutes and when I woke up, I found Eric asleep next to me. The sunlight streaked across his shirt. He looked like a little boy, and I wondered if he regretted never having any children. His children would have been gorgeous.
He stirred and opened his eyes and smiled. ‘I love waking up and seeing your beautiful face.’ He sat up. ‘Hungry yet?’
‘A little.’
Eric sat up and opened the cardboard picnic box. It was filled with all kinds of goodies. I noticed a brownie and picked it up.
Eric grabbed it from me. ‘That’s mine. It’s not on your diet. You can eat the chicken, salad and fruit. No cheese or bread. They’re mine, too.’
I sighed and opened the salad. It had been a long time since he allowed me to eat bread and cheese at home. I sipped my bottle of sparkling water. ‘This was a great idea. Thanks!’
‘Do you feel like going for a hike?’
‘Yes. I want to find some acorns for the fall wreath I’m making.’
We packed up the picnic lunch and headed for Lakeside Trail. I’d hiked it before and knew there were many oak trees along its path.
The mile-long trail was flat and wide enough that we could walk side by side. Twigs and leaves crunched beneath our feet and every so often I’d stop and pick up an acorn. I’d collected about a dozen when Eric abruptly stopped.
‘What’s wrong?’ I asked.
His eyes narrowed and he stared at me. ‘I want to fuck you right here.’
‘Eric, stop. We’re in a public place. And do you have to be so vulgar?’
I could always tell when Eric’s dark side was emerging. He’d drop the F-bomb and become vulgar and demand certain things of me sexually. At first, I just thought he was roleplaying being a bad boy, but over time I’d realized he needed to feed his deviant sexual desires. I’d mostly gone along with his demands. Again, it was just easier that way. But I wasn’t about to have sex in a public park.
He pouted the rest of the way and by the time we got back to the blanket I was ready to leave.
‘Why do you always have to ruin everything?’ he said. ‘I do so much for you and you always have to ruin it.’
His voice got louder and louder until he was shouting so loud everyone within earshot stopped and stared. I felt my face get hot and I took off in the direction of the car. Eric didn’t follow.
I didn’t have the keys to get into the car. I tried the keyless entry, but Eric had apparently changed the combination. My heart raced as I slid down next to the car, hoping Eric would come soon. All I wanted to do was go home.
Twenty minutes later, he showed up, his face contorted into a mask of hatred. ‘Get in the car. Now!’
His eyes emitted rays of hate and I felt my heart in my throat. My eyes darted in all directions, embarrassed that someone would see us. I slid into the car as he threw the picnic basket and blanket into the trunk. As soon as we got into the car, he resumed shouting. Well, it was more like screaming.
‘You’re so ungrateful. I’ve done so much for you and you’ve done nothing for me. Bitch!’ He slammed the dashboard with his fist. I sat frozen, staring straight ahead, trying to keep the tears from coming. It had been such a beautiful day. Why did it have to end like this?
‘When we get home, you will submit to me,’ he said. ‘Or else.’
Eric pulled the car into the garage. ‘Get in the bedroom.’
‘Please, Eric, no. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.’
‘Shut up, bitch. Get out of the car. Now!’
I jumped out of the car and ran into the house. I knew if I tried to run away, Eric would catch me. Instead, I locked myself in the bedroom and crouched in the corner of the closet. Oh, how I wished I had a panic room.
He banged on the bedroom door. ‘Goddamn it, Shelly! Open this fuckin’ door. I swear if you don’t open it, I’ll break it down.’
I crawled to the door. I knew he’d bust down the door. Maybe if I opened it, I could calm him down. I got up on my knees and opened the door. He busted through the door and grabbed me.
‘You wouldn’t let me fuck you in the park, I’m going to damn well fuck you in my own home.’ His eyes were twin beams of hate.
He ripped off my clothes and forced himself on me.
‘Please, Eric, no.’ I squirmed, trying to get out from under him.
He slapped my face and I screamed. Pain coursed through my body as he took me forcefully.
I hated him.
I hated my life.
I hated me.