I wanted to slip away in the middle of the night, but feared Eric would wake up and catch me. Instead, I inched over to the edge of the bed, turned on my side so I wasn’t facing him and soaked my pillow with tears.
Like a horror movie that lingers long after the last frame, I replayed our relationship in my mind, from when we first met to this very moment. I closed my eyes, remembering every detail. Our first conversation. First dinner. First kiss. The first time he said I love you, which was when I’d truly believed I’d found my soulmate, the one I’d been praying for – despite how early on it had happened. The flowers he sent every week. The way he made soup and took care of me when I was sick. The touch of his body against mine and the passion I felt. And how it all changed once we were married.
It wasn’t all at once, but little by little. Like sand being carried out to sea by violent waves and wind, you don’t realize the beach is eroding until it’s gone.
A verbal jab here, another one there. Increasing demands. Tighter control masking as concern. Then screaming and insults. Horror and humiliation.
Looking back, I could see how each of his moves tightened the screws on the box he’d placed me in. And I felt sick. I felt trapped inside a coffin and unable to get out. Clawing at the lid, suffocating. Almost dead.
I had to get away from him. I couldn’t take the abuse any longer. Somehow I needed to escape while I still could.
I buried my face deeper into my pillow and when the alarm went off, I didn’t move. I heard Eric get up and shower. He always woke me up after he was done, so I could shower and get ready for work. While he was in the shower, I grabbed the pink bottle of medicine for an upset stomach and sat it on the nightstand. I knew he’d see it when he walked back into the bedroom.
I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep.
‘Shelly.’ I felt his hand on my arm. ‘Time to get up. Are you feeling okay?’
‘I’m not going to work,’ I mumbled. ‘I’m sick in the stomach.’
‘Can I get you anything?’ he asked in a super sweet voice.
‘No. I just need to sleep.’
He brushed my hair and then walked away. His touch sickened me. Did he remember that he’d raped me the night before? Did he feel no remorse for what he’d done? I was repulsed by every noise he made. Opening and closing his dresser drawer. Clearing his throat. Pulling on his pants. Blowing his nose.
Finally, the moment I’d been waiting for. The bastard was gone. After hearing the garage door go up and down, I watched him back out of the driveway and head to his properties. He’d told me he’d taken the day off to fix a leaky faucet and take care of some other maintenance issues at one of his rental houses. He wanted to get tenants lined up for the spring semester.
I called Jackie right away and sobbed into the phone.
‘Shel, I can’t understand you. Are you alright?’
I sniffed. ‘Sorry. I need to talk to you. I need your help. I don’t know who else to call.’
‘Are you home?’
‘Yes.’
‘I’ll be right there.’
I jumped in the shower and counted my secret stash. Five hundred dollars was all I had. If I decided to run, that wouldn’t get me far.
I wasn’t hungry but forced myself to eat some cereal. I hadn’t expected Jackie to arrive for another twenty minutes, so I jumped when I heard the doorbell. At about the same time, I received a text from her:
Here.
I ran to the door, opened it and threw my arms around Jackie. I felt as if I was drowning and someone had thrown me a rope. No way was I letting go of that rope! I sobbed into her shoulder.
‘Shel, it’s okay. I’m here. Let’s talk.’
She managed to guide me to the sofa and we sat.
Jackie handed me the box of tissues on the coffee table. I blew my nose. ‘I’m not sure where to start.’
‘How about at the beginning.’
So, that’s what I did. I started with Before Marriage. Jackie was familiar with Eric’s behavior before marriage, but there were some things she hadn’t known.
‘I wasn’t allowed to keep any furniture I had with Scott,’ I explained.
‘Omigod!’ Jackie said. ‘That’s why you gave me your table and Lucy your china. That jerk.’
‘At first, everything was great. He did and said all the right things. Well, you know. I mean, even you said he was amazing. And he was. Until we got married. That’s when things turned bad. It wasn’t all at once, but little by little.’
Jackie picked up a throw pillow and dug her fingernails into it. Tears formed in the corners of her eyes and I knew I was about to make her even more upset.
‘His jealousy was so extreme that at any social gathering he’d tell me I was ignoring him and being a terrible wife. I had to stay by his side and include him in any conversation I had with someone else. When in groups, all my attention had to be on him or he would just rage later on. He’d score my “performance” and if I was attentive to him throughout the entire event he’d let me know he was pleased. If he perceived that I ignored him at any time (even for a few minutes), the yelling and accusations would ensue.’
‘Was he jealous of me? Is that why you stopped meeting me at Tony’s?’
I nodded. ‘Yes, he was hurt that I chose you over him. I tried to explain that it wasn’t a choice, that I had enough time for both of you. But he pouted, and I eventually gave in. And that’s just it, I always gave in. He’d erupt and go berserk and I’d be the one to say I’m sorry. Christ, I’m such a loser.’
Jackie hugged me. ‘You’re not a loser. I feel so bad I haven’t been there for you.’
‘You couldn’t have known. No one could. You only knew what I wanted you to see, which was a great marriage. But it was all a lie. And then when he started abusing me, I accepted it, thinking that it would get better. But last night…’ I swallowed. ‘Last night he raped me.’
Jackie punched the sofa. ‘That son of a bitch. I’ll kill that motherfucker. Where is he?’
‘He’s doing repairs at one of his rental properties. At least that’s what he said he was going to do, but who knows?’
‘Well, you can’t stay here.’
‘But wherever I go he’ll find me.’
‘You can go to my parents’ cabin. You’ve never mentioned the cabin to him, have you?’
I shook my head.
‘You can stay there for a few days until we figure things out. Let’s pack some bags and head there now. Do you still have the GPS app on your phone you told me about?’
I nodded.
‘Delete it.’
‘I can’t. If Eric goes to check my whereabouts and sees I’ve deleted the app, he’ll be furious.’
‘So, fuck him. You’re not going back to the man. Who gives a flying fuck what he thinks?’
I could tell Jackie was furious by the number of F-bombs she dropped.
‘But I only have five hundred dollars and I can’t take money out of the bank or Eric will know that, too. He checks the bank accounts multiple times a day.’
‘Don’t worry about that,’ Jackie said. ‘Bruce and I will help. Let’s just get you away from here.’
Jackie helped me pack a few bags. I also took a few cans of soup and a bag of pretzels.
‘Is there anything else you’ll need?’ Jackie asked.
‘I’m taking Izzy.’ I went to the basement to grab her travel carrier while Jackie went to find her. We loaded her into my car and I followed Jackie in my car, leaving my mess of a life behind.