When Lacey got to my house that Tuesday morning, I was more than ready to get out and clear my head. The day before had been fun, carefree, amazing even, but I wasn’t sure if it was right. No matter how much I didn’t want Lacey to leave the day before, and no matter how impatient I was that morning to see her when she arrived for tutoring, my head was completely screwed up. I waited until they went to the office before throwing on some flip flops and heading out to the beach. This section of the beach was mainly deserted, used mostly for private residence and only getting busy on holidays like Independence Day and Memorial Day. It was why I bought that specific house. It was far enough off the beaten path to escape the tourism of the area, but still on the water, where Isabella and I were born to be. It also provided the perfect thinking path for walking when things got heavy in life.

My father used to tell me that there wasn’t anything that couldn’t be solved if you took your problems to the sea. So far, he had been right about that, but at the same time, the ocean had taken more than just my problems with it. That day, though, my thoughts were swimming between memories of the past, a love lost, and a new love that I wasn’t sure had come at the right time for me. The other night had been amazing, and I had felt things physically and emotionally that I had never experienced before. Everything about Lacey was tantalizing, all encompassing, and I was engrossed by her every single time that she came around. I had this incredible urge to be with her sexually and otherwise, but I wasn’t sure that it was the right move.

The war raging inside of my brain was complicated and aided by the ghost of my deceased wife that I had allowed to linger with me for the last two years. The truth was, I still missed her terribly, and I was pretty sure that I would miss her for the rest of my life, no matter who I had in it. That longing for someone that I would absolutely never see again made it really difficult to bring anyone new into a relationship. It was hard on me, yes, but it was unfair to the other person, too. I could only imagine what it would feel like to constantly be the second choice, one that wouldn’t be chosen if my wife were still alive. I could never be that second choice, and I didn’t know if I could make Lacey my second choice, even though my feelings for her were completely different than those I had for Isabella. It was a lot of baggage to bring into any new relationship, too much actually.

I didn’t even really understand what Lacey and I were. We had slept together, there was incredible chemistry between us, and everything felt natural when we were together, but titles and labels hadn’t been discussed. Ten years ago, I would have laughed at the battle going on in my brain, telling myself to just go with the flow and see where it leads me, but things were different now. Not only did I have Bella to think about, I had the responsibility to think about Lacey’s feelings as well, something that Isabella had taught me in her short time on earth. She always cared for everyone else and truly felt that if your intentions weren’t one hundred percent honorable in every way, you owed it to the other person to protect them from that. But how do you do that in this situation without letting the other person go?

I threw a seashell into the water and sighed, feeling almost more confused now than I did before I left. There wasn’t anyone who could solve this for me. It was a problem that involved me fighting myself. Still, I needed to breathe and think, and I knew that a day at my mother’s house would help me do that. It always did. I walked slowly down the beach back to the house and rinsed my feet off when I reached the deck. I stood there staring out at the ocean, not even clear where the sky started and the ocean ended anymore. I turned and walked in the house, smiling sweetly at Lacey who was grabbing something from the kitchen.

“Hey,” I said, catching her before she went back. “Go ahead and finish up the lesson you are on, and then you can leave early.”

“But I’ve only been here an hour,” she replied with confusion. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I just thought that Bella deserved a little time off since she worked so hard on counting from one to twenty. She is very unique in the fact that when she messes something up, she works really hard to fix it.” I was unsure if I was talking about Bella or myself.

“Alright,” she said carefully. “We are almost done, then, and I will go home for the day.”

Lacey went back to the room and finished up her lesson for the day. I could hear Bella counting out her numbers, but when she reached twenty, she didn’t stop, counting all the way to twenty-six before having any kind of issue. I was really impressed by it. There was no question of the fact that Lacey was an amazing teacher and really good with Bella, which made all of this so much more confusing. While I felt that Bella needed Lacey, or someone like that in her life, I was also scared of her getting hurt if things didn’t work out between the two of us. I had a responsibility to protect her above all others, but did that mean I needed to stay single until she was an adult?

“So, we are good,” Lacey said, walking around the corner. “She is all ready for you.”

“Thanks,” I said with a fake grin.

“Are you sure you are okay?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, just a lot on my mind today.”

“Okay,” she said, walking toward the door. “You know, if you ever need to talk, I’ve been told I’m a really good listener.”

I nodded at her sweetly and watched as she walked out of the house. Why did it feel so bad to watch her leave like that? Maybe it was because I cared about her so much and actually did feel bad for hurting her in any way.

“Hi, Daddy,” Bella said behind me.

“Hey, sweetie,” I replied, bending over to her. “How would you feel about a little trip to go visit Grandma Betty?”

“Yes,” she said, pumping her fist.

“Awesome.” I chuckled. “Go get your shoes on.”

My mom didn’t live that far away from us, but I really did enjoy the drive over there. The sun was shining brightly, the waves were perfect, if I still surfed, and it felt like a carefree summer afternoon. Bella smiled and giggled as the wind hit her in the face from her open window. I always love the seasons in Maine. They were just so normal and perfect for the type of person I was. When we pulled up in the driveway to surprise my mom, she was out in the yard pulling the weeds in the front area. That was the job I had as a teenager, to keep her flower beds beautiful and weed free. To this day, I refused to plant anything but grasses and gravel so that I didn’t have to pull weeds.

I opened our car doors and watched Bella run across the yard and jump into my mom’s arms. I could see them talking and laughing, but I knew my mom would be curious as to why we were there. I didn’t want to talk about my problems. I just wanted to be in a comfortable, neutral place where I could relax and let things go. I walked up to my mom and kissed her on the cheek.

“I thought that Bella would be at tutoring with Lacey this afternoon,” she said curiously.

“Yeah, they have been working so dang hard that I wanted to give them a day off from the grind of it,” I said. “I mean, it is technically Bella’s summer vacation, and she learned all the way through the number twenty-six, so she deserved to take it easy today.”

“Mm hmm,” she said, raising one eyebrow.

“Please don’t,” I said, putting up my hand. “Just take it as a day to spend with your son and your granddaughter, and don’t read into it.”

“Alright,” she said, smiling and patting me on the shoulder. “Besides, how can I complain with that little cutie? Bella, how about some lunch?”

“I’m starving,” she said like a grown up, making us laugh.

“Me too,” I said, smiling.

I was glad that my mother didn’t push me any further to talk about it, even though she knew there was something up. She had been a tough mom sometimes, but she was always respectful of my boundaries and knew that if I wanted to talk, she would be the first one I went to. That had been a great source of comfort for me over the years, especially since my father had died at a very important time in a man’s life. She told me from the get go that she wouldn’t always have the answers that my father would have had, but that she would always have a non-emotion based response for me. She wanted me to know that she would give me the best possible advice, which turned out to not always be the easiest solution to a problem. From that, I learned that life was difficult and there were easy ways and not-so-easy ways around an issue, and that a lot of times, the easy way was not the best solution.

For me, knowing what to do with Lacey didn’t seem to have an easy solution. It only seemed to have a hard and even harder solution. I knew I should be looking at what was best, but there was something inside of me that was refusing to see the reality of it all. For just a few moments over the last couple of days, I actually felt like a human being again. There had been moments where the pain of the last couple of years had been lifted off my chest, and I liked how that felt. It was almost easy to get lost in that feeling, and who could blame me?

“You want a ham sandwich?” my mom asked.

“I’d love one,” I said with a smile.

“You know,” she said, turning back to me before walking into the kitchen. “Not everything always seems clear right away. Sometimes things happen in life that take you down a path you never expected, but what will make you shine brighter and become stronger is taking that shift in your paradigm and running with it. Make it as beautiful as you want, and don’t let the past dictate what you do with your future.”

“Thanks, Mom,” I said with a nod of my head.

She walked from the room and into the kitchen where I could hear Bella giggling loudly. What she said made perfect sense, but it didn’t make me feel any better. I cared about Lacey, but that didn’t mean that I could just throw caution to the wind and run full speed into her arms. I wanted to make this life beautiful—I did—but I hadn’t quite figured out how to do that yet. I was just starting to reach the other end of grief, and throwing myself into a relationship seemed like a really bad idea.