Sitting in my kitchen, sipping coffee, and staring out the window seemed to have become a normal morning routine for me. Feeling lost and heartbroken had also started to feel like a normal thing. I looked down at my phone as it buzzed on the table, relieved to finally see Jessa’s face on the screen. I picked up the phone and put it to my ear, letting out a long, exaggerated sigh.

“What’s wrong now?” she asked.

“I’m at my wit’s end,” I said. “I don’t even know what to do about Caspian any more. We had a date, then I stayed over at his place, and when we got up the next day, it was like war. I tried to push him to open back up about surfing, and he was a complete and total asshole.”

“You do remember that his wife died during a surfing accident, right?” Jessa asked.

“Yes, of course, I remember,” I scoffed. “But I know how much it means to him and how alive he feels when he is doing something he loves. I was just trying to get him to start letting go of that guilt that he holds so tightly to.”

“Maybe he isn’t ready,” she said.

“Maybe not, and I only have today and tomorrow to be around both him and Bella,” I said with hopelessness in my voice. “Things are looking really, really bleak for me. I’m not going to lie.”

“You’re being so dramatic.” Jessa giggled. “Have you been watching those old black and white movies again?”

“No,” I lied.

“I told you, they are almost more unrealistic than chick flicks,” Jessa replied.

“They could be real,” I argued back.

“No, they couldn’t,” Jessa said. “And you are basing your life around an impossible relationship. Being a couple is messy, tough, and takes some serious commitment. Those movies make everything seem so damn simple.”

“I wish I was in one of those movies,” I mumbled.

“What you really need to do, instead of slumming around in your pajamas watching black and white movies, is sit Caspian down and tell him exactly how you feel about him,” she said. “One of the biggest problems that relationships have today is a lack of communication. He is a man. You can’t just expect him to know how you feel. Maybe your silent treatment is making him think that you don’t care about him anymore. Maybe he thinks that your feelings weren’t that serious to begin with.”

Holy shit, maybe she was right. Maybe by me attempting to show him how upset I was with him, I made him think that it didn’t matter to me that he was an ass. Lord, I was really bad at this relationship thing, especially when it came to someone that I obviously really cared about. Immediately, I started to panic, feeling like I had really screwed my chances for the future with him. Or maybe he didn’t care that much about me and was relieved that I just backed off. I could feel my stomach churning, and Jessa, from the silence on my end of the phone, started to get restless.

“Lacey?”

“I’m here,” I said.

“Maybe I haven’t asked the right question,” she said. “How do you feel about Caspian?”

I knew that I shouldn’t have kept quiet as long as I did. I knew the answer to that question, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to say it out loud. I had wanted someone to talk to this whole time, but now that I had it, I wanted to hang up and go back to my pity party. I shook my head and reminded myself that my feelings were warranted, and that regardless of how he felt, I still cared about him.

“The truth is,” I said nervously. “I think that I am in love with him.”

“Whoa,” Jessa said, obviously not expecting that answer. “That is awesome, Lacey. You have to tell him and right away. You can’t just hold that in, especially if it means that you might lose out on your happily ever after with this guy.”

“Yeah, but I have no idea how he feels,” I said. “He might not even like me, for all I know.”

“You know that’s not the case,” Jessa said. “He wouldn’t have taken you on a date, told you his big secret, and introduced you to his mother. He has done everything that would point to him feeling the same exact way as you.”

“But what if you are wrong? What if he doesn’t feel that way?”

“Then screw him,” she said. “Seriously, screw him. That would mean he led you on and that is inexcusable. You don’t need a man like that in your life if that is what he did to you.”

“That is so much easier said than done,” I said, groaning.

“I know, which is why you really need to sit him down,” she said sympathetically. “You need to do it before things get any more messed up. You owe it to yourself and to him. You can’t walk around keeping all of this on the inside, no matter what his reaction might be. You need to express your feelings to him just as much as he needs to do the same with you. You are both adults, and you both have something here that could be really amazing and special. I have known you for six years, and in that time, I have never heard you talk about a man the way that you have talked about Caspian. I could tell from the first moment that he was someone that you were really into. I want so badly to see you happy. You deserve it more than anyone I know, and from the sound of it, he deserves it, too. The both of you need to buck up and just say how you feel. Trust me. I know how it is to just let someone you care about walk away.”

“Wow, that’s quite the speech,” I said, trying to break up the seriousness of it all.

“Well, I’ve watched you go through this for weeks now, and I’ve given it some thought,” she said, laughing. “This could be the real thing for you, not just some dumb guy from a frat that you’re hooking up with.”

“I never hooked up with frat guys,” I said.

“No, that was me,” she said. “But I’m living vicariously through you right now. Cut me some damn slack woman. I’m telling you, though, he could be it. You don’t just want to walk away from him. I feel like I should be charging you for my services, or sending you to someone you will actually listen to.”

“I hear you,” I said, laughing. “I don’t know if he is the one or not, but I do know that I love him and that’s the first time for me.”

“Not to mention that he is an actual man,” Jessa scoffed. “He has a daughter that he takes very good care of and an actual life. All the guys I meet rent some shitty apartment in Brooklyn and don’t know what it means to actually want to commit to someone. Seriously, last week, I met this guy at the restaurant and found out that ‘working at Friedman’s financial’ meant their mailroom, and ‘my apartment,’ meant the basement of his mom’s house.”

“At least he had a job.” I laughed.

“Alright, I have to go,” Jessa said. “In all seriousness, make sure that you talk to him, and do it soon.”

“I will,” I said, saying goodbye and hanging up.

I knew that Jessa was right. If I really wanted to know how Caspian felt about me, I had to sit him down and talk with him. The worst that could happen was finding out that he didn’t feel the same as me, and at least then, I could move on. I got ready for work and headed over to Caspian’s to have my tutoring session with Bella. I knew that I would feel better when I saw her sweet little face.

When I pulled up, Caspian was outside mowing the lawn. He waved at me, and I waved back, walking into the house. Bella was already back in the office waiting for me, a big smile on her face. We spent the afternoon painting and drawing all the numbers and letters that we had learned over the last several weeks. Bella was in a really good mood and danced around the room humming to herself. She was so damn adorable, and I wished that I had the same mindset as a child, unaware of the pain and issues you would face as an adult. Watching her made me want to relax and face this issue head on.

“I’m really going to miss you when I go to school in a couple of days,” Bella said, sitting down next to me on the floor. “I really hope you will come back and spend time with me and Daddy. We don’t live far away.”

Immediately, I felt terrible, not wanting to lie to Bella, but not able to tell her the truth. If I told her that I would definitely come back, she would be heartbroken when I never came back. At the same time, I couldn’t tell her that I wasn’t coming back because it would just confuse her. This whole situation had gotten so out of hand, and I should have stopped and thought about Bella at the beginning. I needed to fix this, and it couldn’t wait much longer.

“I am going to really try and come spend time with you,” I said. “I just have to find a job and get settled in first. I know you don’t understand this because you are so little, but being an adult means I have a lot of responsibilities. I promise that I will try my best to be here whenever I can, though. You are so sweet, and I have really enjoyed being your teacher this summer. But now, you have bigger things to think about. You start school really soon, and that is super exciting.”

“I guess,” she said, sighing and picking up her drawing and putting it on the pile on the desk. “You know, I think my dad loves you.”

“What?” I was completely shocked by that statement. “Why would you think that?”

“Because he told Grandma Betty,” she said happily. “They thought I was asleep, but I heard him tell her that.”

I sat there staring at Bella as she walked around the room, completely oblivious to what she just admitted to me. I couldn’t believe what she had just said, but since it didn’t come from him, I decided that it would be a bad idea to bring up to him. If he really did love me, I wanted to hear it from him. If he didn’t actually say that, I would be facing some serious embarrassment. I couldn’t get my hopes up just because a five-year-old child said so.

When I was done cleaning up, I hugged Bella and sent her off to her playroom. I walked into the kitchen to put her cup in the sink and saw Caspian outside, putting away the lawnmower. I wanted to talk to him, but I was nervous. The last thing I wanted to do was fight with him again. I gathered my things and walked out the door, hoping that he would stop me to talk. However, as I passed by him, he nodded at me and then went back to his yard work. He had barely noticed that I was there that day and didn’t even want to ask how Bella did at tutoring.

I climbed in my car and set off toward the house. Bella’s words ran through my head, but from the way Caspian acted, I couldn’t help but think that she had heard him wrong. I pushed the thoughts out of mind, realizing that talking to him just might be a lost cause.