It was finally Friday, which meant that we could all just relax over the weekend, taking in the sand and sun. It was the beginning of tourist season since all of the kids were getting out of school, and the traffic in town was starting to pick up. I had run out for food for the weekend and grabbed a couple of coffees for me and Lacey and a hot chocolate for Bella from Aggie’s. I saw my mom across the street at the church, getting ready for their Saturday bake sale, and I waved, not really wanting to interrupt her. She waved back and smiled as I climbed into the car with the drinks. I knew that she noticed I was carrying three drinks. She was the kind of woman who recognized that sort of thing.

When I got back to the house, Lacey was just finishing up with the lessons for the day. Bella had made a beautiful painting of space during their art time, and I was surprised to see how gifted she was at art. I was definitely going to get it framed and hang it on the wall. I loved having things from Bella to display, even if it was just on the fridge. She was the bright and shining place in my life, and surprisingly, Lacey was starting to get to that place, too.

“Hi, Daddy,” Bella said. “Is that for me?”

“It is,” I said, leaning down. “But in order to drink it, you have to sit and watch a movie, okay?”

“Yep,” she said, nodding. “Are there marshmallows?”

“Of course,” I scoffed playfully. “What would hot chocolate be without marshmallows?”

“Still hot chocolate, but not as good,” she stated.

“That’s right.” I laughed, walking her over to the couch.

I put on Frozen again for her, glad that I had planned to sit outside instead of watching that movie for the hundred-thousandth time. I could hear Lacey in the classroom cleaning up the art supplies, so I walked over and took her coffee out and straightened up the kitchen as I was waiting. When she walked out, I looked up and smiled at how beautiful she looked with her hair pulled back in a curly ponytail with her flowing tank top, white shorts, and flips flops.

“Hey there,” she said as usual. “How was your trip into town?”

“It was good,” I said, handing her a coffee. “The tourists are starting to arrive for the season, so traffic was a bit heavy. I saw my mom in the church parking lot and waved.”

“That’s good,” she said, smiling.

“You want to enjoy some sun with me on the deck before you race off for the day?”

“I would love to,” she said. “I don’t have anything at all planned for this Friday evening, and I haven’t decided whether that is good or pathetic.”

“I think it’s good.” I laughed. “Not that there is a ton to do in Blue Hill on a Friday night.”

“True,” she said, following me over to the deck.

“We’ll be outside, sweetie,” I said to Bella who nodded her head, entranced in Frozen, with a hot chocolate mustache on her lip.

I shook my head and laughed, opening up the door and walking outside into the sunlight. The waves were gentle enough to just lap the shore, but they still made that relaxing sound that I loved so much. I watched Lacey as she closed her eyes and breathed in the smells from around us. The sun hit her face in just the perfect way, and she looked like an angel with a coffee standing on my back deck. I looked away when she finally opened her eyes, sitting down in one of the chairs. I didn’t want her to catch me watching her. She walked over and sat down next to me, propping her feet up on the ottoman.

“It is the perfect day today,” she said. “Perfect temps outside, perfect amount of sunshine, and the ocean is happy.”

“I agree,” I said, nodding my head. “This was the favorite time of year for me when I was a kid. I knew that the weather would be great almost every day, the tourists were coming in, which meant the summer festivals would be starting, and I was out of school for the summer.”

“My grandparents would always take me out on their sailboat when I got there on the second day of summer vacation,” she said. “It was my favorite thing to kick off the summer. It was how I really knew all the stress from the school year was finally over for at least a few months.”

“Your grandparents sailed?”

“My grandfather did,” she said. “He loved it. They left the boat to my father when they passed, and he sold it, saying he didn’t have the time to deal with it. I asked him to let me have it, but he scoffed, knowing he would get a pretty penny for it. It broke my heart to watch it go like that.”

“That stinks,” I replied. “I’m sorry. Maybe the people that bought it are cherishing it like he did.”

“I hope so,” she said, turning and smiling at me. “So, I know we talked about this briefly before, but I wanted to ask you again. Why don’t you have the surf school open anymore?”

I turned instantly and looked out at the ocean. I knew this was going to come up again, but I really didn’t want it to. I was perfectly happy with how things were going, and I didn’t want the tragedy of that day to seep into everything else in my life. I knew she was curious, but I wished that she would just let it lie for right now.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said.

“Why not?” she asked calmly. “I mean, it is obviously a big thing in your life, and I have a feeling it is really starting to affect whatever it is that we have going on. I want to know about your life before me.”

“I just don’t want to talk about it, okay?”

In reality, it wasn’t just that I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to think about it, either. It was over two years ago, and I was trying to move forward with my life as well as I possibly could. Thinking about that day just brought up emotions and feelings that I couldn’t shake, and I didn’t want to ruin that beautiful day with those tragic memories.

“When I found out about your company,” she continued. “I was curious about who else was out there. I have wanted to learn how to surf since I was a little girl, sitting on the docks and watching all the surfers out on the water. I thought maybe I could take some lessons, but you were the only one that I could find. Do you think that you would be willing to teach me how to surf?”

“Lacey, I’m sorry,” I said. “I can’t.”

“Why not?” Now she was starting to get upset.

“Look,” I said, responding to her irritation. “I have my reasons, and I don’t really think that I have to disclose them to you right now. I don’t want to talk about the surf shop, and I can’t teach you how to surf. I’m sure you can find a private instructor closer to town.”

I sat there staring out at the ocean, feeling her eyes boring into the side of my head. I shouldn’t have been so harsh with her, but she wouldn’t stop pressing me for this information. I knew that we had this amazing connection and that we had the most incredible, hot, steamy sex that I had ever had, but it didn’t mean that instantly, I could just open up about all of this. I hadn’t surfed since Isabella’s body washed up on the beach, and I didn’t know if I would ever go back out there again.

It was our thing, the thing that brought us together, the thing that we built our lives around, and it was the thing that took her life. I couldn’t teach Lacey how to surf, if for no other reason than to keep her safe. I couldn’t teach her how to surf because it would bring up all the old emotions and memories from the past, and I didn’t know if I was capable of handling that.

“I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable,” she said. “I just think that if we are ever going to grow or get closer, you need to learn how to open up to me. I want to help you, to help you get past whatever happened before so that you can open yourself back up to the world. I’ve seen you carefree and happy, and it is amazing. I want to know that you feel that way all of the time. Not to mention when you feel that way, it spills over to everyone around you, including your daughter.”

“I don’t need you to fix me,” I grumbled.

“I don’t think you are broken, and I am in no way trying to fix you,” she said. “Please, just open up to me.”

“I’ll see you on Monday,” I said, standing up and walking toward the door. “I have work to get done.”

I sat down at the table and opened my laptop, trying to make it look like I had something to do. I needed anything to get me out of that conversation. I could see her sitting in the chair, looking out at the water, her face still, but unhappy. She shook her head and pulled herself up out of the chair, walking in the house and grabbing her stuff. She turned and walked to the door, but before she walked out, she turned back toward me.

“You are a coward,” she said. “You are a coward for not talking to me about real things. I am a real person, here, now, wanting to be part of your life, but you just turn and run when it gets serious.”

I was too shocked at what she just said to say anything back. She turned and closed the door firmly behind her. I sat there quietly, with Frozen playing in the background, as the sound of her car starting and driving off almost echoed through the house. I felt like a complete and total asshole for treating her like that. She didn’t deserve for me to get angry at her for wanting to know the truth about my life, about the things that happened to make me who I was. I was a coward, too scared of getting close to anyone that I pushed her away as soon as it started to get really good.

“Am I ever going to see Lacey again?” Bella asked with tears in her eyes. “She looked really upset when she left.”

“Yes,” I said caringly as I stood up and raced over to her. “Yes, sweetie, you will see her again. Sometimes, adults don’t always see eye to eye on things, and sometimes, Daddy can be really stubborn.”

“That is true,” she said, rolling her eyes. “You are impossible sometimes, but I still love you the most.”

She kissed me on the cheek and pranced back over to the couch. I crouched on the floor feeling even worse about how I treated Lacey than before. If my five-year-old noticed how “impossible” I tended to be, then that really said something about my attitude. Bella loved Lacey, and I cared about her so damn much that it was messing with my head. I needed to apologize, but not that day. I wanted to give her time to cool off so that I could muster the courage to really talk to her about my past.