The weekend felt like hell for me. I may have walked out of Caspian’s house with my head held high, but as soon as the adrenaline wore off, I collapsed into a pile of heartbreak. I had locked myself up in my house all weekend, not wanting to see the light of the day through the copious amounts of tears that I was shedding. He had really hurt my feelings, and it was the first time since I met him that he was harsh or mean to me in any way. I wasn’t even sure how to completely comprehend what had happened. I was trying to get him to open up to me, to let me into his life more than just conversations on his deck and sex. He had shut me down so hard my brain was still foggy two days later.

I really cared about Caspian and Bella, more than I ever thought that I would when I first started working there. I could tell that something had happened, something that not only changed the dynamic of his relationship with his daughter, but changed who he was on the inside, something that he was holding very strongly to. I could tell whatever it was, it was beyond her leaving him. It was something tragic. He was holding in so much pain. I could see it in his eyes at least once a day, every day, since I had met him. When he looked at the ocean, I could tell there were memories floating through his mind that tormented him. I knew better than most people that holding pain inside wasn’t healthy and ended in either a downward spiral, or it turned the person cold and angry for the rest of their lives.

My grandparents were the most important people in my life, and when they passed away, I held the pain inside, thinking I was expected to be the strong one. While I was suffering on the inside and smiling on the outside, I grew angry and bitter, especially at the rest of my family. It was Jessa that made me realize that in order to heal, I had to let it out. I had to move forward and accept what happened, knowing that it was okay to be sad and cry and to have all of those emotions. It was a really hard process for me to go through, and it didn’t happen until a year after they passed away, but as soon as I let go of that struggle inside of myself, I was able to see my future and my life for what it really was. It was then I decided that being in the city wasn’t what I wanted. It was just a distraction from the pain that I was holding inside. What I wanted was to be in Maine, by the water, living a simple life with good people. I wanted to teach, meet someone, and one day have a family. My goals didn’t fit anywhere close to what New York had to offer.

Just as the thoughts of that time period ran through my head, my phone started to buzz. I sniffled and wiped the tears from my eyes, squinting to see Jessa’s name on the screen. It was like she could sense that I needed her all the way from New York. I wiped my nose and answered the phone, trying to cover up the fact that I was crying.

“Hey,” she said cheerfully.

“Hey,” I grumbled.

“Uh oh, what happened?”

“I’m so stupid,” I said, holding back the tears. “I slept with Caspian again.”

“Why is that stupid?” she asked. “I thought that was what you wanted.”

“It was,” I said. “I mean, it was part of it. We’ve grown closer and closer just letting it go with the flow, but we have reached a brick wall. His past hit me in the face and knocked me right out the door.”

“Oh, God. What is it? Is he like a criminal or something?”

“No,” I said. “At least, I don’t think so. The thing is, I don’t really know what happened, just that it has something to do with surfing and his ex-wife.”

“Okay,” she said slowly. “Have you asked him about it?”

“Yes, of course,” I scoffed. “Every time I bring up either one of those subjects, though, he just shuts down completely. This last time, when I was attempting to help us move things forward and get to know one another, he shut down so hard that he kicked me out of his house, and I haven’t heard a peep from him all weekend.”

“Is it something that you have to know in order to move forward?”

“At first, I didn’t think so, which is why I didn’t push it,” I explained. “But after realizing that whatever happened was tragic and it was affecting everything about Caspian, I realized there was nothing I could do to move forward without first understanding what happened. It is obviously so big that it has affected his life on a daily basis, not just in the past. I mean, it has changed him and the way he lives his life.”

“Wow, that does sound big,” she said. “You need sit him down and have a real conversation with him.”

“I’ve tried that,” I said. “I’m starting to think it’s just something that I’m going to have to wait on him to tell me and hope that one day he does.”

“Lacey, you can’t do that,” she replied. “The two of you will never be anything other than fuck buddies if he continues to refuse to let you in and tell you what happened in his life. If it has to do with his wife, then that means it affects Bella, too, and that is really important to know if you are going to be in her life, too.”

I knew that Jessa was right. I knew that if I ever wanted to be anything other than the tutor fucking her boss, then I needed to figure out a way to get him to talk to me. I didn’t change my whole life just to come here and have the same kind of relationship that every man in New York City wanted to have. I was an adult, and I was looking for something more than just fucking and laughs, something that meant something. I also wanted to be able to be there for Bella, and in order to do that, especially when she got older, I needed to know what happened.

“You’re right,” I said, sighing. “I will call him up when we are done and see if I can get him to talk to me. If he refuses, though, I don’t know if I can continue to work there. It’s gotten too serious for that.”

“I’m sure that he will open up,” she said. “Whatever happened is obviously key to any holding back that he is doing with you. If he wasn’t interested in you for more than just sex, he wouldn’t have gotten so upset over everything in the first place.”

“I hope you’re right because this is not how I want to start out my new life here in Maine,” I said. “I’ve been locked up inside all weekend, drying tears and feeling sorry for myself.”

“Snap out of it,” she demanded. “I’ve taught you better than that.”

“Yes, Mom,” I said, laughing. “How are you doing? Any muggings or crazy strands of flu floating around?”

“Nah, just the normal sirens and mass murders,” she said, chuckling. “Work is good, though, and I get to go to a retreat with my coworkers. They are doing that whole, ‘coworkers who play together, stay together,’ bullshit because their turnover went up a point last quarter.”

“People are quitting?” I asked, surprised. “I thought it was like, the place to work.”

“Yeah, but it’s because she gave birth to twins and realized she wanted to stay home,” she scoffed. “Her husband is a brain surgeon, and she wasn’t really that interested in her career at the company anyway. Now, because momma bear popped out two babies and got the mom disease, we all have to spend three days in the woods doing things together. I really don’t like the woods.”

“I know.” I laughed. “I remember. Maybe it will be good for you, though. Get out of work, spend a few days making some friends.”

“Getting eaten by a pack of bears,” she said.

“I don’t think you call it a pack when it’s concerning bears,” I pointed out.

“Whatever, just know if I don’t come back, Brad from accounting has had it out for me,” she said.

“Noted,” I replied, laughing.

“Alright, get your shit together, and call Caspian,” she said. “I’ve got to get to my spin class and work off the seven margaritas I drank last night.”

“Get it.” I chuckled.

We hung up, but I didn’t immediately call Caspian. I wanted to think about what I was going to say to him before I just jumped in headfirst. I knew Jessa was right. I knew that I had to try to talk to him calmly, make him understand that for us to be anything close to a relationship, he had to start opening up to me, even if it was a little at a time. I knew that I didn’t have a lot of time to think. It was getting late in the day, and I wanted to handle this before I showed back up the next day to tutor Bella. I couldn’t work in that atmosphere anymore. It was too distracting, and I wasn’t giving Bella the kind of attention that she deserved with my mind on him and what he was doing and thinking. I situated myself upright on the couch and picked up the phone, scrolling to Caspian’s number and pressing call.

“Hey,” he said calmly.

“Hi,” I replied. “I hope I didn’t catch you at a busy time.”

“No, actually we were just relaxing,” he said. “Bella is in the other room, and I’m lying on the couch. What’s up?”

“I wanted to call and find out if we could talk?”

“I’m not sure,” he said after a long pause. “Talking didn’t go so well yesterday, and I’m not blaming you, but we can both see what happens to me when we bring up these things.”

“Look, I like you, a lot,” I said, trying to maintain my emotions. “I know that you like me too. I can see it on your face. What we have is awesome, and I know that it can grow into something even bigger and even better, but not if we don’t communicate with one another. Please, I just want us both to be real with one another. You don’t have to tell me everything right now, but you need to let me in at least a little bit. Otherwise, I don’t know what I’m trying for. I don’t want to be just a girl that you have sex with.”

“That’s not what I was trying to do,” he said, sighing. “Alright, meet me at the surfing school in an hour. I have to take Bella to my mom’s house first.”

“Okay,” I said. “Thank you.”

I hung up the phone and held it close to my chest, feeling better about the fact that he was willing to break out of his shell and try to talk to me. It made me know that he was more serious about us than just fuck buddies. Now, all I had to do was help him through his story, hoping that I had the ability to be there for him and comfort him, no matter what happened. This was something big in his life and in Bella’s, and although I would never fully understand because I wasn’t there, it would help me in the future when I navigated through whatever relationship developed between the two of us.

All I needed to do now was swallow my nerves.