Chapter 12: Johnathan

I watched her stomp away from me, and immediately regretted my decision. I wanted to go after her. I wanted to apologize, and I wanted to make sure she knew that I wasn’t actually the two-faced asshole I was pretending to be. I wanted her terribly.

Seeing her eyes well up with tears, knowing that I was the cause made me feel like shit, but I wanted to believe this was what was good for both of us.

I wasn’t angry with her, as I had pulled of my idea to push her away perfectly.

Granted, I did convince myself, at least partially, that this was a good reason for me to try to push her away. She had told me that she was looking for an experience, so I went with it.

I was fairly certain it wasn’t true, but I wasn’t willing to take that chance. Not yet. I didn’t think it would be fair to her.

She was so sweet and caring, while I was…broken.

Regardless of how she felt, or what happened between us, it wouldn’t change the fact that she didn’t deserve to have to deal with someone like me. I realized that, for my own good, of course, but also for hers, that I cared enough about her to let her go.

Making promises I wasn’t sure I could keep and trying to be something I wasn’t didn’t bode well for my sanity and it wasn’t fair to Carrie.

I was trying to do what I thought was best for her and if it meant that I hurt her feelings, then so be it.

If I tried and failed at being a good partner, it would hurt her a whole hell of a lot worse. I was sure of it.

What I had done had obviously worked but now, having watched her stand up for herself in such away, part of what made me so angry was that I was now more attracted to her than ever.

I watched as Carrie moved back toward the bed and plopped down on it. She grabbed the pillow and stuffed her face into it.

Again, I wanted to comfort her. I was plagued by the stupid hope that somehow, I could be better. I wanted to make everything right, because I didn’t want to accept the person I had become.

When I was with Carrie, I felt like somebody. Yet, if I hurt her because I was too blind to realize I couldn’t change, it would destroy me.

So, this was better, I had convinced myself as I had walked back in the door. Seeing her up and around, sitting in my chair and making herself at home had made what I felt I had to do even harder, but I had done it.

Yeah, you jackass…You’ve done it, alright. I thought as my eyes wandered over to her form, laying motionless and soundless on the bed.

Again, Jake had taken her side and was trying to comfort her by placing his head on her side.

Occasionally, he would shoot me dirty looks, but he was a damn dog. I couldn’t expect him to understand.

All he knew was the sense of what was going on. He sensed that I was the cause for Carrie’s distress and so, even to my own dog, I was the asshole.

I tried to shrug it off, however, sitting down in my chair, trying to focus on anything other than the disappointment I had caused.

Neither one of us spoke for a while. Of course, I wasn’t going to speak.

I figured I just needed to get past a day or so, and then I could get her home and we could both return to our respective lives.

However, apparently, Carrie had other plans.

I heard movement directly behind me and turned, instinctually, to find Carrie standing there, staring at me.

I glowered at her, trying to seem unwelcoming, but she seemed to dismiss my actions as she stacked her hands atop the back of the chair.

“Johnathan,” she started in a voice that told me she was still upset, but was trying to keep it together, “What happened to you? I know it must’ve been something terrible and I’m sorry for that, but I would like to know what it is. Maybe then, we can work through whatever it is that is making you act this way.”

“It’s none of your damn business,” I retorted immediately, huffing angrily, “And once you go back to your normal life, it won’t matter anyway. I’m not some damn charity case. You can’t fix me,” I spat.

“I don’t think that,” Carrie insisted, but I could tell she was fighting to maintain her composure.

“Well, whatever it is that makes you so interested, I guarantee it won’t matter as soon as we’re back where we’re supposed to be.”

“You keep saying that, but you’re not worried about where you’re supposed to be, you’re worried about hiding!”

“Yeah, maybe I am. Even if you’ve got me all figured out, I’m sure I’m not worth deciphering. For all intense and purposes, Carrie, I don’t even exist. So, the best thing you can do is to view this as a learning experience and move on.”

I watched as Carrie stepped back slightly, in shock, but I could tell that she wasn’t about to accept what I was telling her. “You keep saying the experience, like I sought you out. I didn’t knock on your door and beg you to take me in. Like it or not you involved yourself, Johnathan. The experience I wanted was done the moment that the guide tried to take advantage of me!” She huffed, gathering her thoughts. When she spoke again, her voice was much calmer. “I didn’t ask for this experience, but part of me believes that this is what needs to happen. I think I needed to meet you. I think we might be good for one another.”

I hated the idea that she might be right and was annoyed at the fact that I had thought the same thing, during one of my more hopeful moments. However, I knew that agreeing with her, in any capacity was a slippery slope and so, instead, I simply blew her off.

“You’re too damn trusting!” I exclaimed, trying my best to sound like the dick I knew she would eventually give up on. “I’m cautious. That’s it.”

“You’re stupid, not cautious. You’re a coward. Instead of facing up to your fears, you run and hide in the mountains, bitching at anyone who even comes close to you, because God forbid you find one human who doesn’t fuck you over.”

I stopped short, now feeling a genuine bout of rage. I knew that I hurt her, but that still didn’t mean I appreciated the truth being thrown at me so callously.

“I am not a coward,” I seethed.

“Oh, yeah? What the hell would you call running away and spending your whole life in solitude? I’m pretty sure you’re not running from the law, so pushing everyone away isn’t exactly the best way to find a happy life.”

“You don’t know anything about me,” I hissed in protest.

“I know enough. It’s amazing what you find out when you want to know more about someone. Especially, someone as transparent as you!”

“Transparent? Really? Well, why don’t you go on another mountain hike. Maybe you’ll find a remaining member of the goddamn Manson family, and don’t expect my coward ass to come save you.”

“Oh, thanks. Throw that back in my face. Real mature!” Carrie screams back, her face reddening with rage, “You’re so pathetic! Just because you put walls up around you, doesn’t mean that I can’t see right through your bravado. You think you’re so tough, when really, when it comes to anything real, anything outside the realm of intimidation, you can’t handle yourself.”

“Or, maybe I’m just fed up with all the drama. Death is the only thing that is certain in this life. Not love, not trust, and certainly not friendship, so I’m sorry if I don’t want to go fuck every stranger I meet.”

At this, Carrie stopped, and I knew I had screwed up. I knew I had gone too far with my insults. I had gotten carried away, angry by her blunt honesty and I had really upset her. Being an ass was one thing, but I had used the only real thing I knew about her against her more than once and this time, I could see in her expression that my words cut particularly deep.

“Carrie,” I started, immediately trying to save myself, but she put her hand up and moved away from me with a sense of urgency. “Carrie, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that…”

“You know what, Johnathan, I don’t really care. You could have meant it, you could not have meant it, but it doesn’t really matter. It still hurts all the same.”

“Dammit, Carrie, I’m trying to apologize!” I insisted, but I knew it was too late. My comment had already done its damage.

She ignored me, which angered me. I was more frustrated with myself than I was with her, but I didn’t have another way to curb my anger, so I lashed out.

“You know what, forget it! If you can’t accept that I am happy, then you can leave. I don’t need you trying to convince me why I should be miserable.”

At this, I received a reaction. I watched Carrie stop short, as her spine prickled with ire. I watched as the bones in her back thrust outward, underneath her shirt as she stood up abnormally straight.

It seemed to take forever for Carrie to turn around.

The stubborn ass that I am waited, knowing that I couldn’t show her any crack in my resolve. I had made my ultimatum and she was going to have to decide.

Even though I didn’t mean it and even though I wish I could’ve taken everything that I had said to her, this entire day, back, I couldn’t bring myself to admit any of this. Once again, I told myself that all I needed was myself and that others, Jake included, were secondary to myself.

After all, I had given everything I had and had it thrown back in my face. There was no way I was going to allow someone else to do that to me again.

When she finally curled around, I could tell that her equally stubborn nature was going to challenge me. I knew that she was going to call my bluff, even before her brooding eyes ensnared my gaze within her sight and her shocked expression turned to pure anger.

However, with the dramatic way in which she presented herself, I expected her to argue with me, or throw another hurtful comment in my direction, but she didn’t.

Carrie didn’t curse me, or yell, or even show that she was hurt by the choice that I had demanded of her. She didn’t make me feel guilty and she didn’t even ask why I would go to such an extreme.

Instead, her answer was simple, almost unfitting for the situation.

“Fine,” she replied, without her gaze so much as wavering from mine. Her body language was stoic, and her tone was placid.

I supposed that at that point, there was no reason for her to react any other way. I had given her an ultimatum and she had made her choice. There was no further room or need for discussion.

However, when I watched her calmly turn around and walk toward the door, I certainly didn’t feel as though I had gotten what I wanted.

In fact, I regretted nearly every decision I had made since meeting Carrie, though I still couldn’t justify a reason behind the commitment I had to her.