Chapter 19: Carrie

I wasn’t sure how I had managed to stay so calm. I was hurt and confused, even though I pretended I wasn’t either of these things. I had thought we were making progress. In fact, I was stupid enough to believe that he might even come back with me.

Maybe I am as stupid as he seems to think I am. I thought, trying to stay ahead of him, so that he didn’t see my tears.

The hike to the ranger’s station was like a blur. We didn’t stop once, even though my ankle started to ache a couple of hours into the trip, I didn’t allow it to stop me. I was too determined to get to the station and get the hell out of Johnathan’s life.

Jake was by my side for most of the way, but Johnathan didn’t say much. He was behind me, walking closely, but hovered, more than walked behind me. It was aggravating to me, but I didn’t say anything.

I wanted my space from him, but I knew that I probably wouldn’t fair well out here by myself.

I was hungry and dehydrated. I knew that Johnathan knew the way to the station and so, I didn’t want to separate from him, even though it was difficult to even breathe the same air.

My thoughts wandered in a million different directions as I continued to stomp along. Most of the time, I contemplated why I insisted on allowing him to hurt me like he did on such a consistent basis.

Even though I had claimed to understand, and despite the fact that I was able to list the reasons why I understood, I couldn’t truly contemplate his actions.

He’s unhinged…Completely unstable. You have fallen in love with a damn psychopath. I thought but was started by the revelation that had only hit me now. It made sense, as to why I was so forgiving and so stupid. It explained all my actions and all my feelings; I was in love with him.

Yet, he drove me absolutely crazy. We argued more than we had a decent conversation but, in those times, when he wasn’t being the Johnathan that I wanted to smack, he was a man that I truly wanted. His idiosyncrasies didn’t matter to me. I was willing to work with him, to help him.

I wanted to show him what he was capable, because for some reason, I could see it, even if he couldn’t. I knew that he was able to have a great life and I knew that once he realized that, I would be able to be part of that life.

I had never known anyone, quite like I had recently got to know Johnathan. While he was rough around the edges and kind of a pain in the ass, with all his wishy-washy tendencies, I still felt a connection to him that was deep and lasting.

I knew that if he walked away from me, if he truly didn’t want me in his life, because he allowed his past to consume him, without even giving me a chance, it would destroy me.

From the moment I met him, I had connected with Johnathan and I wasn’t ready to give any of that up. I still wanted him and for as hurt as I was, I somehow knew that what he said, wasn’t how he felt. I knew that he felt similarly to the way I did, but he was still imprisoned by his past.

Fortunately for me, that was one realization I didn’t have to fake. I knew that his past was the reason he claimed he didn’t want to have anything to do with me, after I went back home. I knew that he couldn’t bring himself to risk being hurt again and I also knew that his feelings had nothing to do with me.

I knew that this wasn’t my fault.

While I felt bad for him, I didn’t harbor any guilt. I hadn’t done anything wrong. In fact, I had done everything I possibly could to get him to understand that I was trying to help him.

I was angry with him for not understanding, but I couldn’t say that I was surprised. I realized that after a traumatic experience, where your whole world is shaken to its core, it takes a long time to get any confidence back.

Johnathan was still barely holding it all together and I knew that he thought, if I betrayed him, his whole world would be in complete disarray. This time, he wouldn’t be able to even begin to pick up the pieces.

Yet, for as much as I understood that, I also had a sense of pride as well. While I understood him not wanting to trust anyone else, I couldn’t understand how there wasn’t anything I could do to get him to trust me.

I knew I wasn’t going to betray his trust, no matter what happened to us. Yet, I needed Johnathan to believe it and he wasn’t giving me any opportunities to prove anything to him.

“Are you okay?” I finally heard him call from behind me.

“Yes,” I answered succinctly as my heart burned.

“Do you need to stop and rest?”

“No,” I insisted, “Apparently, the sooner we get there, the better.”

“Yeah, but we’re making good time. I would be okay with stopping for a while.”

“Why stop? To me, that sounds like more of a reason to keep going.”

“Oh…Okay. If you’re sure,” he answered, but I didn’t reply.

I simply forged ahead, without looking back.

Partially, I didn’t want to stop because I did want to get to our destination. When we made it to the station, I would be able to rest, without having a long journey still ahead. It would be then that I could finally, truly relax. However, my urgency was partly because I knew if we stopped, everything I was thinking would come spilling out and I wasn’t sure I was ready for that.

Before we parted ways, I hoped to be able to get my point across to him, but I wasn’t ready yet. I was still angry, and this wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have while angry.

Again, we trudged along in silence, with Jake looking between us as we walked, obviously wondering, yet again, what was going on with us.

He must think we’re bipolar or something; making love one minute and giving one another the silent treatment the next.

This thought caused me to contemplate what it would be like if we lived together. Would we fight constantly, or would we be happier more than we would be miserable?

I assumed that we would probably find a balance, since we wouldn’t be constantly fighting to survive and if we were living together, Johnathan would’ve made his choice.

Considering what he told me about his ex-fiancée, I found it unlikely that he would be so indecisive one he finally took the plunge into a relationship with me.

The only thing we argue about is the fact that he doesn’t trust me and won’t give me a chance. If he was willing to try, things would surely be different. I decided, but a terrible thrust of anxiety hit my stomach as I realized that we probably would never know.

“We’re almost there,” he insisted eventually; his words dragging me out of my thoughts and back to a reality that I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a part of.

“Good,” I responded coldly, continuing in the direction of the ranger’s station.

“Yeah, I thought so,” he insisted, and I looked back to see him grinning. His eyes were trained on me and in a strange way, I thought he might be regretting not talking to me.

Wishful thinking, I insisted to myself, though I contemplated starting a conversation with him, simply to see where it would go.

I knew that once we were at the station, there would be nothing more to say to him, with the way things were, than goodbye.

I didn’t want to say goodbye to him, and I thought that if I let him go now, I might never get the chance to speak to him again.

So, I turned around, in a desperate display, for the first time, showing him that I was crying and insisted, “Johnathan, I don’t want to say goodbye to you.”

He stopped short, staring at my face, before his eyes dropped down to the ground. His expression remained stoic, but his jaw tightened, and he drew in a deep breath. I waited for him to release it, hoping that he would speak, but when nothing came after the long, slow exhale, I decided to continue.

“Listen to me, please,” I insisted, watching his head turn up to me. He blinked, but didn’t move, so I took this as my cue to continue, “I want you in my life, Johnathan. I think that we have a connection and I don’t want to lose you. Last night, something happened, and you opened up to me. That gave me such a sense of accomplishment…”

“Why? Because you finally broke me down?” He snapped, but I didn’t allow him to commandeer this conversation.

“No, because I felt that you had started to trust me. I felt that I had helped you and that was something I had tried to do since I met you and realized that you needed help.”

“You can’t fix me,” he hissed.

“I’m not trying to fix you. I don’t think you’re broken. I think you need support and you need to have a reason to trust people again…That’s it.”

“Oh, quick fix,” he said with a snap of his fingers, “Just like that, you’ve solved all of my problems.”

“Shut up, Johnathan!” I screamed, this time growing angry, knowing that he was simply trying to push me away. “Listen to me, for once. Get it through your head that I am not Sarah and I never will be her. She was a bitch and your so-called friends were a bunch of assholes. Unfortunately, you seemed to attract some pretty shitty people in your life, and I’m sorry for that, but I refuse to be lumped in with them. I’m not perfect, by any means, but I have your best intentions in mind. I didn’t mean to fall in love with you, but I did and now, the thought of you leaving me behind at the ranger’s station, the idea that I am going to have to watch you walk away, shatters me.”

My outburst had brought an even more pronounced round of tears that I had tried to bridle but failed. However, at least he was listening to me.

When I stopped to breathe, however, Johnathan didn’t move. He didn’t try to comfort me, but he also didn’t argue with me.

I wasn’t sure what that was supposed to mean, but I felt that I was on a roll and I wasn’t about to stop, simply because I wasn’t sure how he was going to react.

“I’m sure you don’t know this, and you might not even believe me, but I really don’t care. I’m going to tell you anyway. I spent the time before I had fallen asleep planning how I would be able to help you get your life back together. I was excited for our journey together. I was going to see if you wanted to stay with me, not move in, like as a relationship, but just so you would have a normal roof over your head, so you could find a job. I was going to pull in some favors for you with people I know around my apartment and I was excited to be able to help you. I had every intention of helping you. Now, I know I can’t guarantee that it will be forever, but no one can guarantee that. No one can ever guarantee anything and if they tell you they can, they’re lying.” I stopped and sighed, sniffling back the now free-flowing tears, and running my sleeve across my shirt. “All I want is a chance to help you and there isn’t a way I can do that while one or both of us are stuck up here on this mountain.” I stepped toward him now, hoping that I was talking him into giving it a shot. I couldn’t tell from his expression, so I continued, “Please, Johnathan, tell me you can trust me enough to give me a chance.”

I stood there, hoping for a positive reaction, for what seemed like a lifetime. I could see that he wanted to react, but he stopped himself multiple times. However, I stayed vigilant. I kept my gaze trained on him, showing my steadfast commitment to helping him, hoping this would persuade him.

Yet, eventually, he turned away, unable to even look me in the eyes.

“I can’t do it,” he grumbled, “I’m sorry.” Turning back to me, I could tell that this was difficult for him too, but at that point, I was so angry, I didn’t care. “I’ll go to the station, with you, and help you get acclimated but then, I’m going home…and so are you. It’s better that way,” he insisted, but by now, I couldn’t even pretend to be understanding toward him.

“I was wrong to take what I said back earlier. You really are a coward,” I snapped, “I just poured my heart and soul out to you and you just dismiss it? I just told you I was in love with you and you don’t even acknowledge it?”

“Carrie,” he started, walking toward me gingerly, but I backed away.

“No. I don’t want to hear it. Johnathan, I while will never forget you for saving my life, and guiding me back to safety, but I also will never forgive you for not even giving me the decency of the benefit of doubt.”

“Carrie, please…” Johnathan insisted, throwing out his hand, in an effort to get me to take it, but I pushed it away from me.

“No. You had your shot. You had a million chances. You have made your decision and I’m done trying to get you to see it my way.”

With that, I turned and walked away from him, for what I imagined this time, would be for good.