Chapter 10: Johnathan

When we had finished, we were both breathless and although we were exhausted from our intense lovemaking, neither one of us were tired.

For a long while, we lay on the bed, quietly enjoying the company of one another. I listened to Carrie breathe next to me and I felt her heartbeat against my chest.

Every once in a while, she would grin up at me or move to kiss me, and I would reciprocate. However, we didn’t say anything.

After the grin and the kiss, Carrie would settle back on my chest and we would return to the silence and security that we felt in this moment.

I hadn’t felt such a sense of security in a long time. It had even taken me a while to realize what it was I was feeling.

For such a long time, I had been on edge, having no idea how I would get by, from one day to the next. I was depressed and alone.

It was more than once that I had found myself staring down the barrel of my own gun, wondering if today was the day I had the balls to pull the trigger.

I never did. I always convinced myself that I had Jake to take care of and I didn’t want to imagine what might happen to him I ended it all.

I was a selfish asshole, but what I had to care about, I was loyal to.

The rest of the time, I would simply stare into the abyss of despair, lamenting that this was likely what I had to look forward to until the day I died.

I supposed I should be happy that I at least had a roof over my head and the ability to eat my full at every meal, but what good was a roof and sustenance when there was nothing else.

Enrichment of my life, I had thought died a long time ago. I had convinced myself that there was nothing left for me. I was alone, and I would remain alone forever.

I sure as hell didn’t like it this way, but I didn’t feel I had any other choice.

Years had hardened me, I thought, and nothing would cause me to waiver from the conviction of my self-imposed sentence.

However, then, Carrie came into my life and now, I was laying naked with her in my bed, sharing a moment of quiet, that hadn’t ended in misery…At least not yet.

Unfortunately, I felt as though I was starting to care about Carrie a lot more than I should.

Although, as we were lying there, as normal people, lovers do, I didn’t care. I didn’t dwell on the future, or lament over the past. I was, for once, consumed by this moment and I didn’t want to do anything to ruin it.

I wished I could stay here forever, or even die before it was over.

I knew I didn’t deserve this, even for a moment but that didn’t mean that I wasn’t going to enjoy it, for as long as I could.

“Johnathan?” Carrie’s voice called, shaking me out of my thoughts.

Looking deeply into her eyes, I beamed, concluding that for once, I was happy.

“What are you thinking about?” She asked softly, her words catching me slightly off guard, though I knew this was a reasonable question.

“I am thinking, that I don’t want this moment to stop,” I answered honestly, choosing to skip the morbid factions of my thoughts.

“I feel the same way,” she replied, reaching up to kiss me tenderly.

Carefully grasping her close to me, I tilted my head and deepened the kiss, which she reciprocated instantly.

Once she realized what I was trying to accomplish, she eased her body up, focusing herself on me.

In an instant, I felt her breasts pressing heavily against my body as her arms snaked up, around my neck.

Our legs intertwined, as though a magnetic pulse was pulling us together. I felt a strong sense of instant attraction. Through a quick ripple of excitement, I was automatically ready to go again. I felt myself pulsing under her, searching for her.

As we continued to kiss, I closed my eyes and traced her body with my fingertips. The soft, alabaster skin beneath my touch was warm from arousal. While I moved, I mapped out her curves, felt the uniqueness of her unblemished body, and memorized the feel of her.

I felt her breasts, her butt, the small of her back and the nape of her neck, all in the pursuit of committing her essence to memory. I wanted to truly become one with this woman. I wanted to know her better than I knew myself.

I had only had this urge once before in my life; normally, I was more of a love them and leave them kind of guy, but there were two times that I felt such a mesmerizing pull.

The first, was a relationship that nearly killed me and now, there was Carrie.

I hated feeling this way but at the same time, I couldn’t imagine feeling any other way. Letting this moment pass seemed to be akin to letting everything in my life slip through my fingers, like sand. Yet, there was a part of me that insisted if I took advantage of this moment, it would likely be the end of me.

This woman will surely kill you. I told myself.

Yet, I ignored the warning, easing Carrie off me, so that she was lying flat on her stomach, across the bed.

“What are you doing?” Carrie whispered, though she didn’t seem to mind me taking control.

“I want to feel you…All of you,” I answered in a low, sensual growl, as my hands connected with her shoulder blades.

As I felt her groan with pleasure beneath me, I noted how perfectly her body fit into my grasp. Her taught, toned back was petite, but was able to easily accommodate for my massive grip.

I kneaded her back and shoulders, progressively going deeper as her moans of pleasure and acceptance grew more encouraging.

She was so petite, she almost felt fragile in my grasp, but the more intense the massage, the more she seemed to enjoy it.

Eventually, my hands started to move off her shoulders and cascade down her back. Leaning in, so close to her that I could feel the heat of her arousal radiating onto my skin, my lips followed the path of my hands as they trailed down her back.

“Oh my God, Johnathan…this feels so good. Thank you…” She insisted, easing herself up, into my grasp.

I grinned, invigorated to continue. The feel of her body, melding to the will of my hands was stimulating. I felt my heart beat faster as my hands traveled down the valley in the small of her back, only to reemerge as my touch took in the tight inviting feel of her ass.

She groaned as my hands guided themselves down to her legs, taking care to be gentle with the hurt ankle, before returning to the vast, moist oasis between her legs.

When my hand reached between her legs, scaling the inside of her thigh, Carrie moaned and parted her legs to let my touch do as it wished with her.

My hand eagerly grasped ahold of the downy-laden sheath, cupping it in my hand, before massaging it in a manner that caused Carrie to writhe with excitement.

“Oh God!” She moaned, thrusting her legs further apart, allowing my fingers to stroke the center of her desire, which was plump and sensitive to my advancement.

With every twitch of my finger, Carrie wriggled, her breath catching. The way her body reacted to me, even before I penetrated her was arousing.

It was strange to have her wanting me so obviously, but I was enjoying it.

Deep in the throes of passion, I was able to ignore all the negativity I was normally plagued with.

Carrie’s wet, inviting flower of femininity was ripe for the picking.

After our first round, I was impressed by her endurance. My fingertips slid over her clitoris, causing her to yell out. I grabbed her, holding her close to me as my fingers glided gently inside her, priming her for the rest of me.

Whining and writhing, Carrie’s enthusiasm was intensely alluring to me.

I felt myself swell with inspiring need. I couldn’t remember wanting anyone quite like I wanted her.

Carrie was so fresh and so innocent, that the second time was even more enlightening than the first.

Once I felt she was ready for me, I retracted my fingers and urged Carrie over on her back. Her eyes glistened with allure as I moved between her legs, easing myself her already moistened bodice.

She was gorgeous and for the first time and in a long time, I felt extremely lucky. While under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t even know how to handle this feeling, the amorous intent and the erotic nature of our current position made it easy to disregard thoughts.

Primed by raw, animalistic stimulation and emotion, I wanted her. That was it. There was no other need for thought. There was only action and right now, all my body was telling me to do was finish what I had started.

My blood pumped wildly in my body and the sensation of amatory suggestion was thick and heavy, consuming us completely.

The pulsing in my dick met the muse of my desires, thrusting against it with need and the embodiment of attraction.

I moaned as we touched, feeling a rush of sexual consciousness flood to the tip of my manhood.

My body was vibrating from the excitement she aroused within me.

I stroked myself against her, my body nearly gushing right there from even the small amount of contact.

I drew in a deep breath and positioned myself appropriately. I grinned down at her, feeling an overwhelming connection to her that I didn’t dare think too much about.

I wasn’t about to let anything ruin this moment.

After another stroke of teasing us both, I was finally ready to ease myself into her. Carrie quivered as I entered her. I reveled in the feel of her moist, warm womanliness surrounding me, consuming me.

I shuddered as a pulse of excitement rocketed through me. I forced myself to remain vigilant, not wanting this moment to end.

Carrie reacted in kind, grasping the bedsheets, and pushing her breasts toward me, as though she too was being ensnared by an excessive amount of arousal.

Neither of us wanted the climax to ruin the sensations that were coursing through us.

I eased back, slowly at first, before thrusting myself toward her again, watching her with intense pleasure as she groaned and threw her head back.

“Oh…Johnathan…” She called, and I wondered if this was actually happening.

However, as my thrusts grew more insistent, while my hands helped to guide her body, I was certain that the feelings that were growing inside of me now were definitely not that of a wet dream.

The intensity of our togetherness encapsulated me. I was transposed, into something that seemed otherworldly, exotic.

Our motions jived together quickly, as though this was some kind of predetermined destiny. Everything about us being together felt right.

I was enthralled and encouraged by her moans. The feeling of our ebbing and flowing the motion of me coursing in and out of her was magnificent.

My heart thudded wildly and all I could think about was the approaching climax.

I groaned and growled as our motions quickened. Carrie seemed to feed off me with inherent need and enthusiasm.

Our mutual sensual escalation seemed to be heightening at the same pace. That revelation alone was intensely invigorating.

The passion seemed to flow through both of us like an equally strong current, rendering everything else in the world completely useless.

Eventually, we were both breathing heavy, as our blood pumped with fervor through our veins; while it felt like every drop of fluid I had in my body was pumping to the core of my arousal, enlarging it, testing the bounds of Carrie’s tightness more with each amazing thrust.

Carrie screamed as I felt her need quake around me, escalating our mutual intoxication for one another.

Then, when I felt I couldn’t hold it in any longer, I allowed myself to release my love inside of Carrie. She used this as a springboard into her own illustrious oasis, while my head spun with a whirl of intense satisfaction.

Feeling the final release catapulted me into a sense of euphoria that I had never experienced before. Between the emotional attachment I had for this woman and the physical eruption of pleasure, in that moment, I became hopelessly, irrevocably enamored with Carrie.

I hoped to God that this feeling would last.

Once we were finished, I noticed that Carrie seemed restless.

“What’s the matter?” I asked, allowing humor to infiltrate my tone.

“Absolutely nothing,” she replied as a giggle escaped her.

“Then, what’s so funny?” I inquired.

“This is just so…strange and wonderful. I don’t want it to end, but I think I am too tired to go again.”

“Aww, come on…” I teased, “Why would you say that?”

Cassie laughed aloud now, snuggling into my chest.

“I want to do something,” she insisted after a moment of silence.

“What do you want to do? I think we’ve done a lot…” I answered in a heavily suggestive tone. “I’m exhausted.”

“Me too,” she admitted, “But I don’t want to sleep.” She shook her head and I reveled in the feel of her long, soft hair swaying over my bare chest. “Do you have any games?”

“Seriously?” I asked, trying to hide my laughter. “Do I look like the kind of person who has Pictionary just lying around? Or how about Twister…That should help your ankle,” I snorted a chuckle, though I could tell that she wasn’t exactly joking.

“I know you don’t have that…” Carrie answered, playfully insulted, “I’m not that much of an idiot. I was thinking, cards?”

“Oh, now you’re the one who’s being insulting.”

“What? Unless you’re one of those crazy men who plays chess with his dog, or himself, I thought a deck of cards would be a good suggestion. At least you could play Solitaire with the cards.”

“Wow, you’re just painting a lovely picture for me, aren’t you?” I insisted, easing myself out of her embrace and heading for the closet I probably hadn’t opened in years. I wasn’t even sure there was anything left in there that I could use, but I figured if there was anything, it would be in here.

“What do you have?” Carrie inquired as she watched me walk toward the cabinet.

“I’m…not sure?” I replied, opening the door, and peering inside.

Immediately, the dusky, musty smell hit me and nearly knocked me back. Standing corrected, I was sure I had never opened this closet, since I was the owner of the cabin. It certainly didn’t smell like it was utilized in at least a decade.

Seeing remnants of a life I would rather not think about, I sighed and shook my head, but pressed on, hoping that what I remembered would still be there.

I quickly searched through clothing and a few boxes that were half opened but didn’t find what I was looking for right away. Instead, I found a barrage of belongings to a life that was no longer here.

Pictures, keepsakes, and other mementos I didn’t even realize I had were piled high in the small area of the cabin that I had almost completely forgotten about.

It was strange to be searching through here, with the intent to find something other than a survival tool I had lost.

I was immediately struck by exactly long it had been since I looked for something that was normal.

I hadn’t done anything fun or even remotely behaved like a human in a long time.

However, right now, it seemed as though I was on a crash course back to reality.

I couldn’t help but think that my re-emergence into reality wasn’t half bad with Carrie by my side.

“Is everything okay?” I heard Carrie call from the bed, breaking me out of staring deep into a box of memories.

“Yeah…I’m fine,” I answered, shoving the box aside and reaching for another one.

“If it’s too much trouble, don’t worry about it, Johnathan. It was just a suggestion. Don’t go crazy.”

“Too late for that,” I insisted with a grin, poking my head out of the closet for a moment before going back to dig a little deeper.

The next box I grabbed seemed strangely familiar. I opened it and sure enough, I found exactly what I was looking for.

I dragged it out and placed it on the bed.

Carrie carefully went through it, eventually looking up at me with a strange expression.

“This cabin wasn’t always an escape for a crazy loner with no friends or family,” I admitted, sitting down on the other side of the box.

“Are these yours?” She asked, before she amended her statement, “I mean, did you bring them from wherever it was that you lived before?”

“Yes,” I insisted in a facetious tone, “I decided that I would try to teach Jake to play. He’s gotten really good at Scrabble. The dog can’t speak a lick of English, but damn, can he spell it.”

I laughed as she narrowed her eyes at me.

Playfully shoving my arm, she insisted, “I don’t know. This just seems like a weird thing for a fishing cabin to have, especially when you’re the one living in it.”

“Yeah, well, before it was mine, it was my grandfathers. My brother and I used to come up here to spend some time with him. At night, we’d play a game with him. He’d cheat, we’d get mad and the game would usually end before there was a true winner…You know, normal family game night.”

Cassie gigged, but her eyes were seriously set upon my gaze, “I’m happy that you’ve started talking about your family.”

“I mentioned I had a grandfather and a brother; only one of those is actually any kind of in site into my past. Everybody has a grandfather.”

“But you knew him?” She urged.

“Yeah, I knew him…Unfortunately, that’s about the only thing worth mentioning about my family. My grandfather isn’t here anymore…”

“And your brother?”

“He grew up to be an even bigger dick than I am.”

“That’s hard to believe,” Carrie teased, and I narrowed my eyes at her, feigning insult.

“Thanks,” I answered, “Real nice. Do you want to play a game or not?” I turned my attention back to the box and shuffled through it, trying to direct her away from the questions about my past.

“Sure! What’s your favorite game?” She insisted, peering into the box again, as though she didn’t know what she was doing.

I glared up at her, “Oh no. You’re the one who wanted to play a game. You pick.”

I was getting a little too chummy with this woman and despite my feelings for her, I couldn’t go spilling my guts to her. It wasn’t something I was ready, prepared, or possibly even able to do, so the point was mute.

She could ask all the crazy personal questions she wanted, there was no way I was going to be answering anything else.

She seemed to understand this from my tone, so she didn’t press the issue.

She ended up choosing the game Sorry!

I had forgotten we even owned that game. Though, I tried my best to pretend that I didn’t have any kind of memory attached to it.

However, once we opened it up, a flood of my past came rushing back. The cabin, in addition to everything in it was a reminder of a time that had long past. It was a time I knew would never be possible again and that bothered me.

Yet, thinking about it, for the first time in years, wasn’t as devastating as I thought it would be. I had spent a good amount of time running from my past; even going as far as locking memories away in a closet I almost forgot was there.

When those memories were unlocked, though, it wasn’t the punch in the gut that I feared it would be. Instead, it was comforting, to remember that I had a past, before it all went haywire.

Playing the game reminded me that I was normal, at one time.

Maybe I can be normal again? I thought, though I severely doubted it. I wasn’t the kind of person to be normal; at least, not anymore.

Although, playing the game with Carrie and allowing myself to let go, even for that small amount of time, was freeing. It made me feel revitalized and helped me find a sense of purpose, though I was certain it wouldn’t last.

The game was fun, and the company was even better.

When it was over, the two of us settled back in bed together, comforted by the feel of one another.

By this point, we were both tired. Even though it was still only early-evening, I could tell that Carrie had over-extended herself and therefore, I urged her to rest.

She cuddled up next to me and even as she was trying to argue against her exhaustion, she fell into an all-consuming slumber.

I knew the moment that she fell asleep, because of the small amount of weight that was pressed against me. Her soft breathing hit my chest and her arms searched for me, ensuring that I was as close to her as she could possibly get.

I could feel her in my arms, snuggled next to me, with her head on my shoulder and her hair all around me.

Each breath I took, awarded me a whiff of her sweet, alluring scent. I turned my head and watched her sleep for a while. I felt a sense of contentment that I didn’t think existed anymore; at least not for me.

At first, despite my exhaustion, I didn’t want to fall asleep, because that would mean an end to this day, which had turned out to be pretty damn awesome.

However, as time passed, and my thoughts lead deeper into the recesses of my own, dark and disturbed mind, I started to feel guilty for succumbing.

Although, it was a strange kind of guilt that still left me wishing there was more. I wasn’t sure what to do with this information though, since I really had no use for it.

I had always known that it wouldn’t last, hence not wanting to go to sleep. Yet, despite the growing gnawing guilt, I also felt intensely satisfied. I couldn’t remember the last time lovemaking hadn’t left me wishing there was more.

However, more than simply satisfying, this was amazing. Perhaps it was because I hadn’t had any in such a long time, but I had never remembered it being such an experience.

Every part of me felt alive. I felt refreshed and eager. It was almost as though Carrie had breathed new life into me.

For the first time, I was rejuvenated and excited about life. Possibilities that I never thought I would care enough to contemplate now seemed possible, even achievable.

However, I knew that one wonderful experience wasn’t enough evidence from which to base an entire life, but it was far more encouragement than I had in a long time and I was going to use it to the fullest.

I gazed down at Cassie, who was asleep next to me. She was wrapped up tightly, both in blankets and my embrace. I watched her chest rise and lower as the movement coincided with her breathing. She seemed entirely content. I hoped that somehow, this had provided her with the peace of mind she needed to enjoy a good night’s rest. I knew she needed it, after everything she had been through.

I closed my eyes, wishing that I could go to sleep.

However, as excited as I was to feel a certain sense of accomplishment, in having successfully given myself to Carrie, the sense of betrayal I felt had only worsened.

For as positive and excited as I was, the insults of my own mind plagued the moment, that was supposed to be peaceful.

I wasn’t sure if I thought going through with the act of lovemaking would help me put the past behind me, breaking the haze of shame that I felt, or if I simply hoped it would. However, I was severely disappointed that nothing of the sort had happened.

Although, for as excited as I was, the sense of treachery I felt I was committing made my stomach churn. I felt sick and disgusted with myself.

How could you do this? I thought, though I knew there was no one I had to answer anymore. Yet, old wounds are the hardest to heal, I suppose.

Trying to ignore the feelings that plagued me, I tried to force sleep upon myself, but that was an unsuccessful endeavor.

So, eventually, I wiggled myself out of the bed, deciding to go for a walk in an effort to clear my head.

When I got up, Jake’s head rose from underneath the covers at our feet, but when he realized that it was only me, he grumbled, huffed, and returned to sleep.

I left Jake there to guard Carrie and Jake didn’t seem to mind.

I quietly exited the cabin and drew in a deep breath of fresh air. I wished for my head to clear, at least minimally, with the breath, but instead, it resorted back to a hazed, worried annoyance as soon as I released the chilly air from my lungs.

I grumbled under my breath and walked out of the clearing, into the woods that have now become the most familiar home I had.

I was comfortable here, but there was a whole world out there that at one time, I wanted to explore.

For the past few years, I couldn’t care less about anything other than my privacy, but the vast mountain now, started to seem a little small.

Am I trying to give myself an excuse to run, or break free? I thought, quickly deciding that I wasn’t trying to get away from Carrie.

In fact, I was trying to find a way to keep her.

I knew that if I was to stay up here, refusing to become part of society, a normal life would never be possible.

So, I needed to give myself a reason to leave, a reason to be normal again, without doing it strictly for Carrie.

If I was going to leave, I needed to ensure that even if things didn’t work out with Carrie, I wouldn’t resort to cutting myself off from humanity. Especially since, I knew I wouldn’t be able to come out here again. There would be too many memories and thus, it would be worse than staying in society.

Contemplating the events and actions taken throughout the past few days, I focused on the escalation. It had felt so right, so natural. It still did.

There was no doubt in my mind that I was more attracted to her now, than I was before we had made love.

I would do anything to be able to give her the chance I knew she deserved…but I also knew that I was getting ahead of myself.

I was certain that thinking this way would only give me false hope. I didn’t want to be up here in the mountains, away from everyone. I wished I felt differently about humanity. I wished I had the ability to forgive and to let go of the past but the fact that I still felt guilty, even though there was nothing to feel bad about was proof that I was incapable of becoming that person.

I couldn’t forgive, and I couldn’t forget. I had made my decision, and apparently, against my wishes and willingness to try, I was unable to commit to attempting to have a normal life ever again.

Why are you sabotaging what is probably your last chance at happiness? I thought, angrily as I pushed my way through the bushes. The physical attempt to relieve the stress wasn’t working. The movement only made me more aggravated and the inconsistency of my racing thoughts was maddening.

One minute, I wanted to figure out how to leave this mountain and try to rebuild my life, hopefully with Carrie by my side but the next, I was giving myself a million reasons why I should stay put.

I couldn’t make up my mind and all I wanted to do was get back to the cabin and go to sleep.

Usually, sex was good for that, but I supposed the guilt counteracted any release of tension the lovemaking had created; resulting in a clusterfuck of doubt, indecision, and confusion.

I certainly didn’t want to feel guilty, especially when there was nothing I could do about it. I had no one to forgive me or hate me for what I’ve done. There was no one that I had in my life that was worthy of judging me, or even forgiving me, because I hadn’t actually done anything wrong. Yet, my conscious seemed to think I had.

I walked around, mostly in a wide circle for about an hour, before I decided that I should return to the cabin.

While I didn’t want to go back, the longer I was out, the more stressed I became about something happening while I was away.

I tried to convince myself that Jake was there, and everything would be fine, but the anxiety I felt eventually got the better of me.

When I returned, I was surprised to find Carrie was awake.

“Hi,” she grinned, her eyes gazing at me amorously, “I hope you don’t mind. I figured I would try to actually walk around a little, but I got tired.”

Instead of sitting in the bed, she was now sitting in my chair. I was pleased to see that she had prepared tea for herself.

“No, it’s fine. Great, actually. I’m glad to see you’re able to get up and get around. How’s your ankle?” As I spoke, my eyes lowered to her leg, where I saw a clear view of her ankle.

“It’s good! You did a great job patching me up,” she exclaimed. “The only reason I had to stop was because I was tired. It didn’t have anything to do with my leg…Also, my tea was done.”

Playfully, she held up the mug and grinned widely.

In that snapshot of her, glowing with post-lovemaking excitement, sitting in my chair, hoisting up a mug, from tea she had figured out how to make herself in my quaint kitchen, Cassie looked perfectly at home.

“That’s good. I know it’s small, but you are welcome wherever you want to go,” I answered her, more to get my mind off the image that I had gotten of her, of what could possibly be the start of us, if I wasn’t so damn stubborn. “My chair, your chair. My tea, your tea.”

“Do you want some?” Cassie asked quickly, as though she felt guilty for not offering earlier.

I shook my head, “No, I’m fine, thanks.”

She grinned at me and took a sip of her tea, pointedly settling deeper into my chair.

“I get why you always sit in this chair. It’s really comfortable,” she replied playfully.

“Yeah, well, when comfort is all you have…” I grumbled, realizing that I absolutely hated the feeling of contentment the sight awarded me.