Broken: A Mountain Man's Romance by Mia Ford, Bella Winters (28)

“Oh my God, I needed this night out,” my new best friend, Ashley, smirks and rolls her eyes. “Work is really riding my ass at the moment.”

“Yeah, me too,” I comment idly. I don’t mind though, I like the hard work. Landing the position as a staff writer for one of the smaller newspapers in Wellington was a pleasant shock and just proved to me that leaving America was the best thing for me… a fact that I have confirmed to me every single day. “Good job it’s Julia’s birthday then.”

“Where is Julia?” Ashley puts her hand over her eye and scans the night club as if she’s just going to find her. The place is absolutely packed, I have to say I don’t think she’s got much luck in finding anyone, least of all Julia. “Is she with Nick?”

“Who’s Nick?” I’m new to this group of friends, which I think they forget sometimes. I’ve only been in New Zealand for a month, but I have to admit it feels like much longer even to me. Sometimes it’s my life in America that seems like the distant dream and that I’ve always been here. All the drama with my parents, it feels like someone else’s problem now. It feels so disconnected from me, it’s wonderful. “Is he her boyfriend?”

“Boyfriend is a strong word,” she chuckles and nudges me playfully in the side. “More like fuck buddy. He’s hot though, so I don’t blame her. I sure as hell would!”

“You aren’t thinking about it… are you?” I might only really know this lot from work, but they don’t seem like the disloyal type. “Not if Julia likes him.”

“Oh God no.” She shakes her head. “You know I’m only interested in Mr. Serscey.”

Urgh, our boss. I have no idea what Ashley sees in him, but then I suppose it’s each to their own. Everyone has their own tastes and if that’s the sort of man she likes then at least we won’t ever fight over a guy. I don’t much go for the older, slightly balding, definitely married types. I much prefer people without attachments, closer to my age.

“Right, sure.” I shake my empty glass at Ashley indicating that I need to top up. “I’m headed to the bar. Do you want anything?”

She holds up her bottle of beer and smiles. “Yes please. I’m headed to the bathroom. Maybe Julia is in there… hopefully by herself. I’ll meet you back around here in a bit?”

I know that won’t happen, losing friends in a night club is just standard, but I don’t mind. I actually feel much freer and confident here in New Zealand. It makes me realize just how tightly wound I was in America. Even at college I was like a coil ready to spring. No wonder things didn’t work out between me and Liam…

Not that I’m thinking about Liam anymore. I don’t really think about anyone in that way. Of course, it’s challenging not to think about Stephen because I’m in his home town. I often wonder what he would be doing if he were still alive and living here. Would he come to night clubs such as this one or would he be too cool? Would he be playing gigs all over the city or would he still be struggling to find his fame? Maybe this is the sort of place he used to come before he made the journey over to America. I just don’t know. I wish I did, but I don’t.

I keep his pick with me the whole time, just wanting to keep his spirit alive. Just because we didn’t know each other for a long time, doesn’t mean he didn’t affect me. Meeting him drove me to this place and helped me to find my happiness. I will always be grateful to him for that. It is a shame that he isn’t here to share this journey with me, but I suppose I cannot change what’s already happened. It is what it is, I just need to make the best of what my life is right now. At least it’s good, at least I’m happy now. That’s the most important thing.

I wave goodbye to Ashley, hoping that I’ll at least be able to find her before the night is up, and I push my way through the throngs of the crowd, trying desperately not to get stuck in the sweaty, swaying bodies. I can see the bar up there in the distance, but with the effort it’ll take me to get there, it feels like a mountain I have to climb.

I sigh loudly and wipe some perspiration off my forehead. It’s just lucky that I’m much more casual about how I look these days and I don’t mind the natural look. I have a little bit of make up on but it’s not enough to get melted or smudged by the intense heat that’s floating through this room. I wipe my wet hand down on the skirt of my black summery dress and I push my way forward. I really do need a drink and this is the only way I’m going to get one.

“Oof.” Someone bangs into the back of me and sends me flying forward. I bash into the person in front of me but as I start to apologize I realize that she’s too intoxicated to care. Instead, my eyes automatically fly around to find the person who bashed into me.

“Sorry, miss,” he mutters into my ear as he brushes past me.

That voice. I stop dead where I am on the spot as I get chills. Goose bumps pop up and down my arm as I gulp noisily. I know that voice, I know it well. It’s the voice I spent one amazing night with, it’s the voice that brought me here, it’s the voice that I often hear in my dreams, attached to the beautiful man who inspires me every day. But that’s impossible.

My eyes trail in the direction that the man has left and my heart skips a beat. Not only does he have that voice, he also has the same shaggy blond hair and muscular broad shoulders. I don’t think I’m seeing things, I think it might really be him,

Stephen Jones.

But how? It isn’t possible, rationally I know that.. Stephen got killed in America, in some dive bar. Some chick called Katie found his dead body… but as my eyes continue to follow him I become even more convinced that somehow it’s him. He even shares the same swagger. I don’t know how, but it has to be him. Maybe the newspaper got it wrong, maybe it was a case of mistaken identity. If I really think about it, it was only one small article I saw, barely nothing online. I left pretty sharpish after that and I never thought to check up the details afterwards. I didn’t even search him again, almost as if I didn’t ever want to know.

Maybe, just maybe he is still alive. It isn’t possible, but maybe it is.

I think about the pick deep in my purse and I just know what I have to do. I can’t leave this mystery unsolved, I need my answer. I came all this way half way across the world after a chance meeting with him, and now despite all the odds being stacked against us, it seems like he’s here. Really here, in the same building as me, within almost touching distance.

I push my foot forward determined to take a step, and as I do it seems that time speeds right back up again. I didn’t even notice it slowing down as I watched him but now it’s moving too quickly. Everyone is rushing, the sounds whooshing into my ear are too loud, it makes me a little panicky and sick. I can barely keep track of him now and I’m absolutely terrified to lose him again because once I do I just know that I’ll never see him. This is my one and only chance. I have to take it. I need to grab it with both hands or I’ll always regret it.

The bar is forgotten, as is my thirst. I even forget about my friends as I race forwards. Luckily, I know that they’ll understand. I’ve told Ashley about Stephen and the story that brought me to New Zealand so I know for a fact that she’ll get it. To see the one person who’s had a profound, life changing effect on me standing in the same night club as me… it’s fate intervening, it has to be. What other explanation is there for this?

“Excuse me,” I try to be polite but it isn’t getting me anywhere. This is a desperate situation and I need to make my escape. “Move!” I eventually yell. “Get out of my way!” I leave a trail of drunk, disgruntled people behind me but I don’t care. My heart is hammering in my ears, my blood flow is violent and hot, I’ve never been so focused in my whole damn life. I don’t care about anything, only getting to him. He’s my end goal.

Finally, my eyes find him again, only he’s headed towards the exit. That might be better actually, maybe we can have a proper talk outside of this nightmare. I move faster and more determinedly, excited to get to the exit. Any minute now I’ll be with the man that I just know is Stephen, and I will finally get my answers. I can’t wait to find out what happened, how he disappeared, who was really murdered.

“Stephen,” I call out unabashedly as the cold air hits my face. I blink a few times trying to adjust to the darkness as my eyes scan from side to side. I see bodies everywhere, littering the streets around me, but none of them look like him. Disappointment crushes me as I realize that despite my best efforts I might have lost him after all. “Stephen!”

Did I imagine him? Have I finally cracked and started seeing him? I guess that’s possible, maybe it’s just taken a while for my traumatic time to catch up with me. Maybe it’s been there in the back of my mind, waiting to crop up, and now with a little bit of alcohol in my system it’s finally happened. I gulp, shaking my head as a tear threatens to fall. I’ve become so desperate to find him that I’ve started to imagine him the distance.

I turn my body, starting to make my way inside, but before I do I feel a hand clamping down on my shoulder. It’s a strong and firm grip that halts me in my tracks and makes my heart stop dead. There’s something commanding about it that makes me feel all weird inside.

I twist my neck and crane my gaze up to look at the man staring down at me. Those green eyes, familiar yet strange all at once, the man I know but don’t know all the same. My breath feels frozen to the spot and my limbs are utterly filled with lead. I couldn’t move even if I wanted to, which I don’t because I’m right where I want to be.

“Stephen,” I whisper. “Is that you?”

He takes one hand off my shoulder and steps backwards as if he’s drinking me in. I feel exposed and vulnerable as he looks at every inch of me. I don’t see a flicker of recognition there which confuses me. I know he’s probably a playboy but was I that unmemorable? I remember every damn thing about him. He impacted me in a way that I never thought possible, and now I don’t know what to think anymore.

This was a mistake, I think sadly to myself. I should have left things as they were, a beautiful memory.

“No.” He shakes his head rapidly. Sending confusion flooding through me. “Not Stephen.”

“Not Stephen?” I ask curiously. But that isn’t possible. If this isn’t Stephen then who the hell is it?

“No. I’m Kian. Stephen’s twin brother.”

Chapter Thirteen - Kian

“Oh.” I can see shock crossing her face as she tries to process what I’m saying. “Stephen never… he didn’t tell me that he had a twin brother.”

I feel crestfallen at that. I know things were never amazing between me and Stephen, especially as we got older and our competitive nature when it came to our music careers got in the way, but I didn’t expect him to ever cut me from his life. Maybe he left for America when we weren’t on the best of terms, but we were still twins. How the hell can he just forget that? We have… had a bond. It’s supposed to be an unbreakable kind, a twin thing.

“I see, so he didn’t tell me about you.” I stuff my hands awkwardly into my pocket. “Well I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised at that. He always was very secretive.” I run my eyes up and down her, drinking in her long dark hair, her brown eyes, and her curvy body. I just know where my brother met her, she’s just his type… female and sexy. “Are you American? Is that where you met Stephen?”

“Erm, actually I met him aboard the Princess Cruise. He was playing a show there and I was a guest aboard.”

Something about that word sparks a memory inside my mind and I tug my cell phone out my pocket. “I got a random text when he was on that ship,” I gush while scrolling through to find it. “I didn’t answer it at the time because it was the middle of the night when I got it, and to be honest I never thought much about it, I guess I just assumed that he was drunk. It’s only with hindsight that I think there might be more to it.”

Actually, I forgot all about it until she mentioned the name of the cruise, but I don’t want to tell this mysterious woman that. I don’t want her to think bad about me. Especially not now that my brother is gone.

“You didn’t text much?” she asks as she takes the phone from my hand.

“Not really.” I give her a one shouldered shrug. “Stephen wasn’t much for technology. I always told him that was crazy if he wanted to be famous. No one gets anywhere without a social media presence, but he wouldn’t ever listen.” I shake my head as I realize what I’m saying. “Although I guess that isn’t important now.”

“So, he really is dead,” she replies morosely. “I guess it’s time that I actually start to accept that.” Her eyes run over the screen and she starts to read aloud. ‘Kian, it’s me, bro. I’m doing a show on the Princess Cruise ship and I’ve seen something. I’m scared. I don’t know what to do.’ She looks up at me with wide eyes. “And you ignored this?”

“I did try to call him the next day.” I don’t know if that’s strictly true, I did think about calling him but I can’t remember whether or not I actually did. “But he was always sending me weird texts. I think he drank too much when he got to the US so it was hard to see what was real and what wasn’t.”

“He was scared,” she says biting down on her bottom lip. “Which makes sense because he vanished. He just disappeared.”

There’s something about this girl that screams out knowledge. I don’t know what it is but I can just tell that she knows something. Me and my family were just told that Stephen got into a fight and was killed but now it seems like there might be more to it. It’s hard for me to accept anyway, I don’t feel right knowing that my twin brother isn’t out there in the world anymore, so if I can discover the truth about what actually happened to him then maybe I can finally get some closure.

“My apartment isn’t far from here,” I tell her coyly. “Do you maybe want to come back with me and we can talk some more about it. I feel like this is something that we both need to get off our chests.”

She nods gratefully and breathes deeply. “Yes, I think I would like that.” She half smiles at me showing just how awkward she feels, then she extends her hand out to me. “I’m Tia by the way, I don’t think I said that yet.”

“Tia.” As my skin grabs onto hers and we shake, I feel a connection growing. This is someone new, someone who knew Stephen in at least a little bit of the time that he was missing from my life. She’s exactly the sort of person who I need to get to know to find out the missing jigsaw pieces. I didn’t even realize that I needed that, but I do. “Come on, let’s go.”

The walk to my apartment is done so in silence. Every time I glance over to Tia I can see that thoughts are racing through her brain. There must be something here, she’s an American girl that magically turned up in the middle of New Zealand armed with information. It’s as if someone thrust her into my life for a reason and I need to find out what that reason might be.

I unlock the door and we move inside. My eye scan about the place taking in the mess everywhere. I’m not the tidiest type, but I would have cleared up if I knew that anyone would be round. It’s been a long time since I’ve had any visitors, even before Stephen died people didn’t come to see me.

“Sorry, it’s a mess.” I grab a few things and put them into piles., but I give up when I realize that it really doesn’t matter. “I guess I didn’t think I’d have anyone here.”

“It doesn’t matter,” she replies awkwardly. “I wasn’t expecting to meet you either.”

“No.” I extend my arm towards the couch, indicating for her to sit down. She takes my command and perches on the edge. I grab a slightly warm beer off the side and pop it open to give to her. “I suppose not.” I take my seat and stare at her. “Do you mind telling me more about what happened.”

She nods and pales while taking a sip of the beer. “Okay, well I met Stephen on the cruise, like I said. He started to talk to me in the day and invited me to see him play at the night.” I smile to myself, smooth as always. Stephen was always so much better with the ladies than me. I guess it did piss me off when we were younger. Especially since the beautiful women like Tia are just the sort I would like. “I went to watch him play and we… hung out afterwards.”

“You don’t need to explain.” I let out an awkward chuckle. “I know my brother.” Knew I knew my brother. I need to remember that he’s past tense now.

“Yes.” Her cheeks flame red which makes me feel bad. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. Maybe it’s colored her memory which wasn’t my intention at all. “So, we hung out, and then he said he was going for a cigarette.” She reaches into her bag and pulls something out of her purse. “He gave me his pick and said it was a promise that he was coming back.”

My eyes find the instrument in her fingers and my heart skips a beat. That’s the pick that my brother has had his whole musical life. That was important to him, more than anything else. Probably even more than his family. The fact that he gave it to Tia means something.

I lean forward and take it from her. I flick it idly between my fingers as my heart pounds. “If Stephen gave this to you then he meant to come back,” I rasp nervously. “I know for a fact that he would never leave this behind anywhere.” I stare in her eyes, needing to be honest now. I can’t worry about her opinion of Stephen anymore. “I know for a fact that he slept with a lot of women just the one time, that was a part of his thing, but the fact that he gave you this means he was coming back. He wanted to see you more.” I bite down on my bottom lip as a realization hits me. “I think it means he liked you. Really liked you a lot.”

“Oh.” She doesn’t know what to say, I can see it in her eyes. “Right.”

I stand up and pace up and down. “He gave you this, he wanted to come back.” I repeat. “But he didn’t. Then when you consider the text.” My brain is spinning fast, I’m trying to process everything quickly. “Something happened.” I stare at Tia. “Something happened that night which is why he didn’t return.” My heart beats in my mouth. “He saw something, something that scared him away from you and made him text me.” I gulp as I try to work out how it’s all connected. I haven’t had so may clues before, now I have them but I don’t know how to fit them together. “What was the cruise like? Were there dangerous people aboard?” I stare at her, maybe she’s the key. “Do you have any dangerous exes that would want to keep a new man away from you?”

She looks understandably overwhelmed by my accusation. “No, I… the cruise was nice. Full of posh people. You really think he saw something aboard that got him killed some time later?”

“It’s possible, isn’t it?” She doesn’t have an answer to that. “I can’t imagine Stephen ever directly getting himself involved in a dangerous world, but it might have happened by accident.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Tia whispers thickly. “I suppose it is possible.”

Without even thinking about it, I stomp across the room and I grab my own guitar. I strum it with Stephen’s pick trying to rise his spirit once more. I haven’t felt close to him since he died and I miss him like crazy.

“You’re very good,” Tia eventually interjects, reminding me that she’s in the room. “Very talented. The way that you play reminds me of him a bit.”

“He’s much more rock than me.” I shake my head. “He was much more rock than me.”

“I only heard him play softer songs, but I suppose that’s because it wasn’t exactly a rock and roll venue.” She smiles a little to herself. “He was really good.”

I stare at Tia, drinking her in. There was something about her that attracted my twin brother enough to really like her. He liked her enough to hand over his beloved pick. I want to spend more time with her, I want to get to know her better, I want that connection with Stephen to continue.

“So, are you on holiday in Wellington?” I ask, trying to sound causal. I feel awkward and weird, like I’m being a creeper.

“No, I live here now,” she replies calmly. “I came here to escape everything. And I guess to feel close to Stephen too.”

Hmm, he had an impact on her just like she did him. This is something that I need to find out more about. “Would you like to hang out some more?” I ask.

She nods slowly. “Yes, I think I would. That won’t be weird, will it?”

Probably, I think.

“No, I don’t think so,” I say aloud. “It’ll be good. For the both of us. I think.”

“Good, yes.” We’re both as unsure as one another, but I’m still certain this is the right thing to do. “Let’s do it.” She takes my phone from me once more and enters in her number. “You should call me sometime. Let’s do this.”

Chapter Fourteen - Tia

Is this wrong? Should I be doing this? Am I utterly crazy?

As I stare at the phone screen looking at Kian’s message, I feel really weird about it. Every time we aren’t together I feel like we shouldn’t hang out anymore, I feel pretty sure it’s overstepping some invisible boundary, yet I still can’t stop being drawn to him. I can’t ignore the pull that draws me in every single time. I also can’t ignore the good feeling I get in my chest every time I’m by his side. I feel like I’m a much better person and that the possibilities are endless…

“Is that your secret lover?” Ashley teases as she sees me staring at my phone. “Are you ever going to tell me who it is? I’m sick of trying to guess!”

I want to, I’ve wanted to from the very beginning, but I haven’t. Partly because it’s been a delicious little secret just for me, a little link to my old life in my new life, but also because I do feel guilty about it. I feel so bad that I might just burst… but I don’t know how much longer I can keep it in for. I need some advice from an impartial person, and there’s only one person in the country I trust enough to tell. I need to just rip off the band aid and do it.

I lean forward and look from side to side, checking that no one is listening. When it appears that we are actually alone in the office, which is a big rarity meaning the timing must be right, I start whispering.

“It isn’t a lover, it’s something more complex than that.” Her eyes light up and she leans in too. I suppose it’s good for her for someone else to have gossip to share, especially me. I suppose I’ve been quite boring up until now. “It’s…” I bite down on my bottom lip and glance downwards. “Well, you remember the story about Stephen?”

“The mind blowing night that brought you to New Zealand, yep I think I remember that one.” She smiles coyly at me and chuckles. “I know it’s a tragedy, but I’m glad it happened because it brought you into my life.”

I’m so touched by her words that I continue with my story with ease. “Well, on the night of Julia’s birthday, when I disappeared, it wasn’t because I felt sick. It was actually because I thought I saw him in the night club and I chased him inside.” Before that sympathy can really set in, I continue. “As it turned out, it was his twin brother, Kian.”

“Did you know he has a twin?” Ashley gasps, shocked. “I mean, that’s crazy, isn’t it?”

“I didn’t know that and yes it is crazy.”

Ashley glances down at the cell phone in my hand and her eyes widen. “Oh my God. Is it him you’re hanging out with?” I nod a little bit sadly, realizing how foolish it sounds aloud. “And how are you hanging out?”

“Only as friends,” I insist in a panicked fashion. “It’s nothing more than that…”

As I trail off my words, Ashley seems to read more into it than is there. She presses her elbows into her knees and looks at me. “But you like him?”

“No, it isn’t that.” I mean, I don’t want to admit it aloud but my heart does skip a beat every time I see him. It’s only because he reminds me of Stephen though, nothing more… although I suppose the more I get to know him the less I remember Stephen and the more he becomes a person in his own right. The more I make memories with Kian. Kian is now more prominent in my mind. “It’s just… friends.”

“Right.” Ashley sits back in her chair and rakes her eyes over me curiously. “You know it would be totally fine if it were more though, right?” My eyes snap up to her as I try to work out what she’s saying to me. “I mean, no one would judge you. I certainly wouldn’t.”

“You… wouldn’t?” It isn’t more than that, it isn’t, but I still want to hear her opinion on that.

“Of course, I wouldn’t.” She shrugs. “You spent one night with Stephen, one night.” She holds up one finger to highlight her point. “Yes, it was one amazing night, but it was only the one night. Then, he vanished. I don’t want this to sound callous, but now he isn’t here anymore. Something happened and he’s died now.” She takes my hand reassuringly in hers. “You are still alive and so is Kian. If you like him then there shouldn’t be anything holding you back.”

Her kind words unlock something within me, but before I can set any of it free I need to make sure. “But isn’t it weird? I had a thing with his twin brother. Isn’t it disrespectful to his memory? Isn’t it… odd? I don’t know. I don’t even know how I feel about Kian, I just… I don’t know.”

I glance down at the ground and chew the inside of my mouth. Tears well up behind my eyes but I refuse to let any of them fall. I’ve been so strong so far, I’ve been doing really well. The last thing I need to do is ruin all of that now.

“Tia, listen.” Ashely’s tone is so kind that I move my eyes up to meet hers. I can see nothing but understanding in her gaze which helps me to feel a little better about everything. “If Stephen’s death means anything to you, it’s that life is too short. You shouldn’t worry too much about things you should just live in the moment because it could all be gone tomorrow. You need some happiness, and so does this Kian. You’ve both been through a horrible time. I’m sure if you can find comfort in each other then surely that’s a good thing?” Still I can’t see it, my brain is fogged up with the notion that I’m a terrible person. “Think of what you would advise me if I was in your situation. That is what you should do.”

The room fills up again, leaving me unable to answer Ashely but I suppose she’s right. If it was her I would want her to be happy and her rational words are correct too. Me and Kian do share something, and if it can only be friendship then that’s better than nothing.

I look at my phone again, reading the message.

‘I’m playing at the open mike night at Serena’s coffee shop if you want to come and watch me later. K x’

My heart flutters I can’t stop it. There is something between me and Kian and I’m sure it’s more than just friendship really. He might look like Stephen but inside he’s a different person. He’s quieter, more modest, less demanding. I really like that about him, I like the way I can feel more chilled out around him. It’s exactly what I need right now, it fits win with the new, New Zealand me very well, If I think about kissing him, I don’t instantly think about Stephen, not anymore. I just think about him.

‘I would love to. I will see you there. T x’

I need to just forget about all the hang ups I have, mostly because they come from the opinions of others not me. I need to stop caring about that, I need to just focus on what I want in life. If I want Kian, then so be it. Who says anyone else gets an opinion on what I do with my life anyway? That only happens if I let it happen.

A delicious, tantalizing thrill races up and down my spine as I think about that. I smile so brightly that it’s as if I have a coat hanger between my lips. Ashley catches my eye and she gives me a thumbs up. At least I’ll always have her support no matter what I do.

‘Looking forward to it, K x’

I feel like maybe he’s feeling the same way about me too, and I’m sure if Stephen wasn’t ever in the picture then something would have happened between us already. We’re only holding back because of my history. Maybe tonight is the night that will change. Maybe that’s why my heart is already beating faster at the mere thought of him.

I cradle my cell phone to my chest and let my imagination run free. I haven’t written anything else for myself in a long time which I haven’t minded because I write all day as my day job, but now I can feel inspiration flowing wildly through me. If I was at home with a pen and paper in my hand I would probably be writing already, but I can’t because I have things to do. I’m at work for a reason, I can’t slack off.

‘Me too, T xx’ I reply pointlessly, adding another kiss. I guess I just want him to see that there might just be more to it tonight. Maybe. We’ll see…

***

I swish from side to side trying to look at all of my dress in the mirror. I have such a small one bedroomed apartment that I can’t even fit a full length mirror in it. When I think about my old home with wall to wall mirrors, it’s completely the other end of the scale but I’m much happier here. I wouldn’t change it for the world. I don’t need the space and the mirrors, I have all I need right here. This is my home now, and it always will be.

The checked black and red skater dress hangs nicely on me. Since being in New Zealand I have put on a little bit of weight, so my curves are more prominent, as is my cleavage. I love my new frame. It’s part of the much happier me. Then I tug my fingers through my hair. Maybe I should try and do more with it than just hang it loose but I’m sure it’s fine. I’m sure if Kian is going to like me then he will do whatever. I have a bit of make up on, but not much. I’ve highlighted my eyes which I think is my best feature anyway. Or so I hope.

Oh God, this is nerve wracking, I think desperately to myself. Am I really doing this?

It isn’t really any different to the other times that me and Kian hang out, except it really is. After speaking with Ashley, I’ve accepted that I really do like Kian and not just because he’s Stephen’s twin brother. I like him because of the depth I see inside him. Maybe it isn’t right, maybe my feelings are taboo, but I will only live once so why not?

By the time I come back here tonight I’ll know, I think determinedly to myself as I try to gear myself up. I will tell Kian how I’m feeling, if it’s the last thing I do.

I nod at myself as if I feel much more confident than I really do. Inside I’m a mess, everything is churning violently inside of me, but at least on the outside I look good. I appear like I have everything under control and that I’m not about to churn everything up like crazy.

With a determination, I grab my bag and keys and I make my way towards the front door before I can talk myself out of it. My heart races, my stomach dances, I don’t know what’s going to happen. All I know for sure is that I feel truly happy and excited for the first time in a very long time. The possibilities feel endless and I’m desperately keen to know which way my life will turn.

Chapter Fifteen - Kian

I feel nervous as I prepare to go out on stage which isn’t much like me at all. Not here at Serena’s anyway. Maybe if it was a bigger crowd I would, but at Serena’s it’s always chilled out with just a few people watching. That’s how I like it actually. Maybe once upon a time I harbored a dream of being a superstar but when Stephen took that route I didn’t want to anymore. I found myself happy in New Zealand, content with being more small time. I do my small gigs, I teach my music lessons, it doesn’t earn me a fortune, but I’m happy. I like it enough. I don’t want for anything more… not anymore.

No, the nerves aren’t coming from the crowd, or at least not all of it. There’s just one person who will be watching me and I’m terrified of making a fool out of myself in front of her. I don’t want her to think that I’m an idiot. I can’t help myself, I want her to like me.

It’s wrong, I think to myself shaking my head. It’s so, so wrong. On every single level.

I know it isn’t right to think of Tia in any kind of romantic way, it’s probably bad enough that we’re friends, never mind anything else but I can’t stop myself from feeling that way about her. The more time I spend with her, the more she infiltrates my dreams, and the more I dream about her the more attracted I become. I’ve considered the possibility that it might just be the competitiveness between me and Stephen still coming out even after his death, but I know it isn’t that. What I feel for Tia is so genuine. More than anything that’s come before.

It’s everything to me. It’s just a shame that it’s wrong.

Of course, there’s one way I could counteract this. If I really wanted to I could just stop hanging out with her to ensure that my feelings don’t grow anymore, but every time I try to do that something pulls me back in. I’m addicted to her, she’s like a drug that I just can’t give up. I feel like it’s headed towards a disaster, but I can’t seem to stop myself anyway. She consumes me, she’s all of me, she’s everything and I just can’t let her go.

If things were different I might be meeting her under different circumstances. Stephen could have brought her home to visit the family as his girlfriend. Then what would I have done? I couldn’t have felt this way about her then or it would have become even more of a catastrophe. But that hasn’t happened. Things have gone the way that they have so there’s no real point in wallowing in ‘what ifs’. This is it, I need to find a way to deal with it.

With a shake of my head I try to get my brain back in the game. I can’t worry about what’s happening with me and Tia tonight, not when I want to do a good job with this open mic night. Maybe I don’t want fame and fortune, but I still want to put on a good show. If anything, I’ve gotten a lot of teaching jobs from the open mic nights and I don’t want to ruin that. Especially not with nerves. I need to forget about her for now and just get on with it.

“Are you ready, Kian?” Hayley, one of the young waitresses calls back to me with a smile and a wink. “You’re nearly up.”

“Yes,” I breathe deeply. “I think so. Is it packed out there?” There’s only really one person I care about, but I don’t know what she’s wearing so I can’t describe her.

“It’s not too bad,” she smiles. “But they’re getting impatient. You’re getting a little fan club out there now. Don’t keep them waiting too long.”

This is silly, I think to myself. Tia has seen me play before, she knows what I sound like. She knows my music isn’t anything like Stephen’s… but still I can’t shake off the anxiety. There’s only one thing for it. I need to get out there. I can’t put it off any longer.

I push back the curtain and keep my eyes fixed on the ground as I walk. There’s a chair situated in the middle of the stage that I know the location of well. I could find it with my eyes closed, which is lucky since that’s pretty much what I’m doing right now. I move until I can’t go any further, drinking in the smattering of clapping that breaks out around the coffee shop, then I sit.

Once my butt hits the seat I can’t keep my eyes down anymore. I need to look up to see who’s about. Almost as if there’s a powerful magnetic force between us my eyes instantly hit hers and I dive into the pool of her eyes, loving the feel of her gaze surrounding me. She smiles slightly, making my heart skip a beat. Sitting there with her hair spilling over her shoulders, her skin glowing under the lights, and her hands sat primly in her lap, all my doubts simply fly away. I know it isn’t right, but I can’t help how I feel, and how I feel right now is that I want to worship Tia for the rest of my damn life.

“Right,” I croak into the microphone. “I have some new material to play you tonight, but don’t worry I’ll still do some of the old stuff as well.” I wasn’t planning on playing any of the songs that have been inspired by Tia, but how can I not with her sitting there looking so beautiful? I want her to know how I feel without actually having to tell her. The thought of saying those words aloud terrifies me. “So here we go, one, two, three…”

As I burst into song I know that I’m risking everything. I’m treading a dangerous path that could ruin mine and Tia’s friendship, but I have to take a leap of faith or I won’t be able to control myself much longer. If I’m totally honest with myself I think she might be feeling the same way too. We’re both tiptoeing around it for obvious reasons, but I think it’s time to finally stop doing that. As my fingers strum and the words fly out of my mouth I know for sure that one way or another, tonight is going to change everything. I can only hope that it’s in the way I want…

***

“That was brilliant,” Hayley gushes as I descend off of stage forty five minutes later in a bit of a haze. “Honestly I think that might be the best set you’ve ever done.”

I turn to look at her with wide, blank eyes. I think I blocked most of it out because of how it makes me feel. I was so vulnerable, so open, so exposed. As I was up there singing it seemed like such a good idea at the time but now I’m not so sure. Am I really ready to take that step with Tia? What if she brushes me off and wants nothing more to do with me? It was such a risk… have I been an idiot for taking it? Am I about to really regret it?

“Erm, yeah, thanks,” I finally gush. “Well I think I better go…”

“You don’t want to stay for a drink?” Hayley hands me a cappuccino with a small smile playing on her lips. “I made it specially for you. The same as you always have.”

I down the drink in two quick gulps not wanting to be rude. “Thank you, Hayley, I really appreciate it and I’ll see you next week but I really have to go now.”

I stuff my guitar back into the case and head towards the door. I’m sure Hayley has a million and one questions for me. We’re friends, really, but tonight isn’t the night. I have far too much on my mind to even consider normal conversation. Mostly I just need to see Tia, to tear the band aid off then at least I’ll know either way, the anticipation is killing me.

I burst out into the coffee shop, probably looking as wild and crazy as I feel inside and I immediately bump into her. I can tell by the way that Tia is standing awkwardly at the side of the counter that she’s been waiting for me, and considering she’s biting down on her thumb nail I think it’s safe to assume that we need to have a conversation. I close my eyes and pray for just a second that it goes the way I want it to.

“Hey, Kian,” Tia says softly. “That was amazing. You were really great up there?”

Once upon a time, my competitive beast inside would have leapt up in my chest and demanded to know if I was better than Stephen, especially since Tia has slept with him and I like her, but that thought doesn’t even crop up into my brain. I manage to take the compliment for exactly what it is. A nice remark meant just for me.

“Thank you,” I reply weakly. “It was really good of you to come.”

She nods and bites down on her bottom lip and nods. I desperately want to ask her what’s going on inside her brain but at the same time I’m not sure that I want to know. I don’t know if it’s better to leave things just as unanswered as they really are.

“Shall we get out of here?” she practically whispers as her head nods towards the door behind her. “Maybe go for a drink or something? Something a little stronger than coffee.”

That idea is so appealing I could burst. “Yes,” I reply decisively. “Let’s do that.”

Then something unexpected happens, something that’s never happened before. It almost makes me stop in my tracks for a moment, but thankfully I find the strength to keep on going as she slips her hand into mine and she laces her fingers through mine. It’s a gesture that’s so sweet and unassuming but that also means the world. We’ve never been close like this with each other before, the action holds promise that something might really be about to happen. I keep trying not to dare dream that it might actually come to life in reality but it seems that it just might happen. My leap of faith might be about to pay off in the best way possible.

“Your songs are beautiful,” she says kindly once we get outside. “Those lyrics are amazing.”

They’re all about you, I want to declare proudly, but I don’t. I think I’ve used up my bravery quota for the month now.

“Thank you,” I say instead. “That’s kind of you to say.”

She stops on the sidewalk, causing me to do the same and she cranes her neck to look at me. There’s something in her gaze, something truly important and I need to know what it is. I feel like she’s trying to communicate with me, but I don’t want to get my reading wrong. My heart pounds, my mouth runs dry, butterflies dance about in my stomach…

Then she raises herself up onto her tiptoes and there’s no denying her meaning anymore. Her eyes slide close and she purses her lips, looking even more incredible than she always does in my dreams. I dip my head, caving to temptation, giving myself all that I’ve ever wanted. Then our lips crash together and the world completely slides out from underneath me in the best way possible. Fireworks explode, my whole body lights up like someone has ignited a fire underneath me.

It’s then I know that nothing will ever be the same again.

Chapter Sixteen - Tia

Oh my God, I’m kissing Kian. I’m actually kissing him.

As his lips move against mine I feel something inside me that I’ve never experienced before. It’s a kiss like no other and it honestly takes me to another plane of existence. I have never been kissed in such a way before, not by anyone. I love it, it’s wonderful.

My lips part and Kian snakes his tongue inside. As he explores the inside of my mouth, his hands glide lightly from my side up to my hair where he entangles them in the heat of romantic passion. I can feel everything that we’ve locked away for far too long setting itself free and it’s the best sensation in the whole damn world. It makes me feel phenomenal.

As Kian breaks apart from me panting, I suddenly realize that we’re out in the open. This isn’t happening within the privacy of one of our homes, we’re out in public where anyone could see us. Talk about public display of affection, not usually what I like at all!

“Should we go somewhere?” I giggle awkwardly. “And I don’t mean a bar?” Not anymore, having an alcoholic drink id the last thing on my mind. I only wanted that to loosen up the conversation anyway and it seems that we’re way past that! “My place is just around the corner…” He knows that already, I just want my meaning to be clear.

“Yes,” he says decisively, making my insides flip flop over. “Let’s go back to yours.”

I grab his hand and we power walk, almost to the point of running towards my house. In a way, this is happening really quick, after all we only just shared our very first kiss, but in another way it’s been a long time coming. We’ve both been holding back on our feelings for obvious reasons and now it’s time to set them free. I set that in motion by adding an extra kiss to my message, and Kian solidified that by singing sweet songs that seemed to be about me. I assume I’m the mysterious girl that he cannot have. I have to be, don’t I?

Well no need to worry about that anymore, because I’m all in!

Eventually we reach my front door and I fumble around in my bag for my keys. It’s only a small clutch bag, but somehow in the heat of the moment I just can’t seem to locate the keys inside. Maybe it’s my hammering heart or my trembling fingers, maybe it’s just my nerves getting the better of me. There’s no way I can take this huge step without some anxiety. I’d have to be inhuman not to feel something about this craziness.

“A ha!” I feel triumphant as I find them and even better as I slide them into the door. As we step inside the atmosphere is thick and really different. Kian has been here before plenty of times, but it’s always been about friendship. It seems that we’re both acutely aware that today is different and it’s about so much more. “Make yourself at home.”

Urgh, why did I have to say such an awkward thing? I don’t want to make everything uncomfortable because I don’t know how to act anymore. I try to smile to cover it up, but I don’t know if it really works. Kian still looks as freaked out as I feel.

Maybe if that was all I could feel then I could take a step back, but the delightful lust that’s also filling me up has a tight grip of control over me. The desire swims in my brain, making it impossible to think of anything else other than tearing his clothes off. In the short time that we’ve known one another, Kian has become just about everything to me.

“Come here,” he says huskily holding out a hand to me. I take a step forward and take it, allowing him to pull me all the way in. I can feel his pulse hammering against his chest at a rapid, hard pace, just like mine is. Knowing that we’re going through this same mix of emotions helps me to feel okay about it. “You’re beautiful.”

As Kian rests his forehead against mine I notice something that I didn’t see before, probably because I haven’t been looking for it. In and among the greenness of his eyes he has flecks of grey too. It’s lovely to look at and makes him the most unique man that I have ever been with on the planet.

Before I can make comment about his eyes we’re kissing all over again. This time it’s much less polite than how we were on the streets. It’s frantic, passionate, desperate. All the need I feel for him travels through his mouth and I can feel the same coming from him. Bolts of electricity burst through my system, setting my core alight.

As our clothes begin to shed in a haze of desire I take a step backwards towards my bedroom. I want him there, in amongst the sheets where I’ve had naughty, taboo dreams about him for a while now. I want the real life show to be in exactly the same place. Luckily because my apartment isn’t very big, it isn’t long until my calves hit the bed behind me and I collapse onto the sheets. By that time, my dress is gone, my bra is unhooked, my shoes have been kicked off… the only thing protecting any modesty of mine is a thin, sheer set of lace panties. Kian looks at that part of my body and licks his lips which makes me shiver.

I grab onto the sheets below me as my body writhes. The sight of Kian kicking his jeans all the way off and pulling his underwear down is just too much for me to handle. As he does I notice all the little unique things about just him that make him special. The scar across his belly button, the small tattoo at the top of his leg, the dark pink to his nipples… brand new body is exciting for me to explore. I can’t wait to get my hands all over him.

And then there’s his cock. Wow. I know that it’s been a while, but holy hell. He’s incredible. Thick, pulsating, so desirable that I find my own tongue running along my lips. He’s tantalizing, delicious. Now that we’ve taken this crazy but brave step I want to know every damn inch of his body. I want to feel everywhere, to taste all of him. Every damn inch.

He wraps his hand around himself and tugs while looking down at me. Gone is the shy, quiet version of Kian and in his place is a primitive animal ready to devour me, and dead God do I want to be eaten by him. The dark, hooded desire in his gaze is just too damn much more me to handle. I almost can’t control myself, it’s just too much.

“So… beautiful,” he mutters while sinking to his knees. I push myself into a sitting position to see what he’s up to, but I don’t get the chance to when he sinks his fingers down into my thighs and he yanks me towards the edge of the bed. My feet hit the floor and he nudges my legs further apart with his nose. It all happens so quickly I can barely work out what’s happening. Before I know it, he has claimed my mound with his mouth and he’s flicking his tongue everywhere in the most incredible sensation ever.

“Oh fuck,” I mutter as he alternates between plunging his tongue deep into me, tasting me everywhere, and flicking over my clit. It’s too much for me to take all at one. My body bucks and writhes violently. There’s a pressure building in my toes and I don’t think it’ll be long before that heat travels right up through me, sending my flying higher than air. My muttering becomes louder until it’s almost a scream. “Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck!”

“Such a dirty mouth,” Kian sounds amused as he speaks into my slit, allowing his breath to tickle me all over. “I’ve never seen this side of you before and I have to say I like it.”

I groan impatiently. I don’t have time for games. This has been coming for far too long, I need my release now. I roll my hips, pressing myself back against his mouth and soon I feel his tongue fluttering all over me again, taking me back to my happy place.

My eyes fall closed, my hands rub over my body as the sensations get too much. This must be what going crazy feels like, it’s everywhere all around me, I know it’s coming but I just can’t stop. Much as I want to cave and I want to explode like this, I want to feel him inside me too. I need that connection with Kian, I need that feeling that everything is right with the world. That’s a feeling that only he can give me, and fuck do I need it.

“Oh, Kian,” I moan. “I need you. I need to feel you.”

“You do?” As he steps back leaving me cold and alone, I regret my decision. My ragged breaths feel angry and needy. I feel like he’s taking far too long to come back to me, which I soon realize is because he’s wrapping himself up. “Whatever you want, Tia.”

“I want you,” I gasp as I watch sweat trickle down his incredible body. “I need you.”

He climbs over me on the bed, pushing me back upwards and I go willingly. Maybe this is wrong, maybe me and Kian do have a lot to feel guilty about, but right now in the heat of the moment it feels so incredibly right. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world.

Kian positions himself between my legs and he teases my entrance with his tip. Of course, I want to force him in, I’m desperate for that feeling, but I halt myself for a moment to just look at him. Kian is wonderful, he’s handsome, he’s sweet. He’s kind, he’s sexy… he’s everything. The opposite to the men that I’m used to in my life and everything that I need.

As Kian finally pushes himself inside and he thrusts on top of me, I groan and cry out with glee. My body is already electrified, I feel like I’m already on the knife edge of what I can handle, and with his length brushing past my highly sensitive clit with every stroke I know that I don’t have long.

I’m falling, I think to myself as then I’m genuinely falling. It’s dangerous, but wonderful all at the same time.

I know that’s a rabbit hole that I don’t really want to go down, so I change things up. I push upwards and flip Kian onto his back so I can straddle him. I sit astride him and stare down into his beautiful green and grey eyes as I take control of the thrusts. As I look at him it seems that he’s falling too, despite himself he’s losing himself in me. This is a journey that we are sharing together.

The orgasm actually hits me unexpectedly. I’ve been so busy focusing on looking at Kian and working out how he’s feeling that I forgot to concentrate on the sensations. As I buckle and crumble under the sheer magnitude of the burning hot pleasure that races through me, consuming me entirely, Kian sits up and he holds me close, caring for me throughout it all. The action seems to make it too much for him and I feel the intense pleasure burst free from his body too. We shudder together, sharing yet another part of our journey together.

I don’t know where we’ll go from here, but right now we’ve got this far the two of us, doing everything together, and it feel wonderful. The loneliness that I have suffered my whole life with feels like it’s gone for good.

Chapter Seventeen - Kian

I can’t relax, I can’t sit still and I’ve been this way for days now. Ever since me and Tia slept together I haven’t felt right. I mean, I like her a lot, I know that she’s good for me and to be honest I really might believe that she’s the one, but I just can’t settle into it and I don’t know why… or maybe I do know why, I just need to wrap my head around it.

I need closure. I think we both do. When it comes to Stephen, there’s still something there. There are unanswered questions that I think really need answering before we can both move on. It’s almost as if his spirit is hanging over us, as if he’s somewhere in the realm and we need to solve this mystery before any of us can move on with our lives. Or maybe I’m just a crazy person who’s looking for an excuse for behaving in such a mad way. Whatever it is I know that I need to at least take a look at it.

I’ve made notes about everything that me and Tia know about the case, not that it’s much. I know that he worked on the cruise, that they shared a night together – even if that’s a part I would much rather not think about, it’s an undeniable part of the story – he intended to go back but something stopped him. Then he sent me that text:

‘Kian, it’s me, bro. I’m doing a show on the Princess Cruise ship and I’ve seen something. I’m scared. I don’t know what to do.’

I hate myself for ignoring this warning. It’s so obvious now that Stephen was calling out to me, begging me for help and I just didn’t want to hear it. Yes, he did often send me random stuff when he was drunk and this could easily have just been that, but it wasn’t and I truly feel terrible. Maybe if we spent more time trying to repair our relationship none of this would have happened… not that I can allow myself to get lost down that trail of thought. I really do need to keep focused.

Okay, so Stephen saw something. He saw it on the cruise ship, but the murder didn’t happen until some time after. He saw something so bad that someone needed to kill him off so he didn’t blab to the police. Obviously, he didn’t go right to the police or all of this could have been dealt with a long time ago. Whatever he saw scared him enough to stay silent.

And then there’s this Katie chick, the barmaid who found him. She might know more than she’s letting on. Of course, she might not, but it won’t hurt to ask. Unless it’s some kind of mafia thing, I suppose. Maybe then she’ll be too scared to say anything at all. It could be some organized crime thing, much as that sounds crazy, I don’t want to rule it out…

So, I have a lot of jigsaw pieces, but still they don’t quite fit together and that’s the frustrating part. It’s unsettling me, leaving me distressed and annoyed. It’s almost as if it’s right there, but I can’t quite grasp it. There’s only one logical step of what I can do next, and I know what it is. I might not like it but it’s what I have to do.

I glance at my cell phone screen, looking at the time. It’s almost time for Tia to finish work which means we can hang out. Even with everything that’s going on the thought of seeing her face again lights up my chest and makes me feel really happy. I adore her face, her smile, her sweet nature… if I’m totally honest with myself, I know that it wouldn’t have worked out between Stephen and Tia in the long run anyway, even if he did like her. We might share a lot but we’ve never shared a taste in women before. I think he would have ended up straying and breaking her heart anyway.

Unless she could have been the one to change him. I suppose we’ll never find out now.

I shake my head, ridding my brain of those thoughts and I gather up my things to go and meet her. She might not like what I’m about to say, but it needs to be said. I just hope that she understands my plan and she doesn’t get too upset by it all. If I explain it right and I let her know it’s the only way I’ll really be able to move on then, surely she’ll be okay?

Only time will tell, and now it’s the time to go and find out. I need to be brave.

***

I tap my feet anxiously as I wait outside of Tia’s work for her appearance. The more time that passes the more anxious I get about everything. I don’t want to now talk myself out of the plan that I’ve been working on all day long… all week long. It’s the only thing I’ve got.

Eventually she appears arm in arm with another girl. I assume this is her best friend, Ashely. She looks like the fun-loving girl that Tia described. I’ve yet to meet her, but that’s something I understand. Me and Tia have mostly kept to ourselves, we haven’t brought the rest of our lives into our little relationship thing because it’s so fragile. No, fragile isn’t the right word, we’re strong really. I have a lot of trust in her and I think she does me, it’s just the fear of what everyone else will think. Once we let others in, we open ourselves to criticism and I don’t think either of us are ready for that yet.

I still need to consider how this will affect my parents, and that’s the scariest ides of them all. Maybe me and Tia could pretend that we just met randomly and that nothing happened with her and Stephen, but I don’t want to erase him from her history like that. I still want to keep him alive in every way possible. I need to address it when we finally take that step, but now just isn’t the time for that. Of course, they’re still healing for their son, just like I’m still grieving for my brother. I just hope that this helps to overcome that.

“Kian!” Tia’s eyes widen with surprise as she spots me. She pulls away from her friend and moves across to me. I can tell that there’s panic behind her eyes, she’s freaked out that I’ve just turned up like this. Maybe I should have warned her, it wouldn’t have been too hard to send a text, would it? “Are you okay? What’s going on?”

I ignore the people bustling behind us and I zone in only on Tia. My breaths start coming in short and sallow, I don’t know where to start. “Can we go somewhere private?” I gasp out desperately. “There’s something I want to talk to you about.”

“Of course.” She runs her eyes all over me as if she’s trying to work me out. I can tell she’s searching for something that I can’t give her just yet. “Come to mine.”

She links one arm through mine and waves goodbye to her friends. I feel bad for dragging her away from all the people she loves, but I hope that it’ll be worth it when I explain everything to her. I put my head down and focus my eyes on the ground and allow Tia to just drag me. I can’t look up again, not until we’re away from the crowds. I just can’t deal with people right now, there’s only one person I want to be with.

Finally, we reach her home and I let out a breath I didn’t even realize I was holding. When it’s just me and Tia I can relax just a little bit. “Sorry for the dramatics, I know that was unnecessary. I’ve just been thinking a lot and…”

She claps her hand loudly across her mouth. “Oh my God, you want to end it,” she declares. “I mean, I should have known that this was coming because it is hard, but oh my God. I still feel really shocked.” She stares at me with eyes swimming with pain. Much as this is a horrible moment it’s quite sweet too because I get to see just how much she really cares about me. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be so crazy it just…” She grips her chest, giving my cue that I really need to step in before she has a heart attack or something.

“No, no this isn’t that.” I do my best to reassure her but she still looks blown away. “It isn’t that at all. I just… well, it’s Stephen.” Again the color drains from her face as I mention my brother. “I’ve been thinking about him and the mystery that’s surrounded his death. I want to find out more, I need to work out what happened to him and why.” She nods slowly, getting it more than anyone else in the world would. “I need to figure it out, I don’t think that I’ll be able to move on if I don’t. Especially with…” I sigh loudly, hating myself for saying this. “Especially with us.”

“Yes, of course,” she rasps. “I understand that, I want to know what happened too. It’s all very strange. There’s something there that doesn’t quite fit.” She’s clearly been thinking about it too. “Someone knows what happened, and I just know that if we could get to that person then it would be okay.”

As she gives me an imploring look I feel compelled to continue on. “Well, I’ve thought about that a lot and that could work. There was some bar maid named in the article wasn’t there? She could know something… but at the same time I think that if it’s all related to organized crime then maybe she won’t speak. Maybe, if they like getting rid of witnesses, she’s gone too. You never know.” I don’t like that option, but I can’t deny it’s possible.

“Oh yeah, of course. I guess I never thought about that.” Her eyes flick towards me under her eyelashes, making her look absolutely adorable. “But you are going to America, right? That’s your plan? I mean, that’s all you can do, isn’t it?”

Of course, she knows that, she understands me well. “Yeah. I am. And I have a plan of what I’m going to do.”

“Okay shoot.” She gets more comfortable and stares at me, waiting for me to explain. “What are we doing?”

“We?” I don’t mean that, I mean this is something that is just for me. “No, just me.”

“Kian.” She takes my hands in hers. “You aren’t going through this alone. You know as well as I do that this is a journey that we need to go through together. You know that it affects me just as it does you. I need this mystery solving just as much as you do.”

“But it’s dangerous…” I try to let her know just why I’m not including her.

“I know it’s dangerous.” She rolls her eyes at me. “I know what the stakes are, but I also know that I need to do this. This means a lot to me, I need this mystery solved. And at the same time, I’m not letting you go into something dangerous alone either.” She pulls me to her and wraps her arms around me. “I cannot lose you. I just can’t. You get that, right?”

“I do get that,” I do my best to reassure her. “But reserve your judgement before you agree to this. I want you to hear my plan before you make a decision.”

“I’ll listen,” she warns. “But I’m coming.”

Chapter Eighteen - Tia

This is insane, I think to myself as I pace up and down backstage. I should not be here, why the hell am I doing this? I mean, I know the reasons that I’ve given myself but really? Is there any way that I can get out of it now? Can I turn back and change my mind?

“Are you okay, babe?” Kian asks while placing a gentle kiss on my shoulder. “You look nervous, is there anything that I can do?”

My ragged breaths get even shorter and sharper as I turn to look at Kian. The green and gray eyes of his are still and calm. He’s the one about to put himself on the line here but he looks cool, calm, and totally collected. How is it possible that I’m the one who’s a hot mess here? I turn to face him ad grip onto his arms, trying to soak in some of his calm.

“I should be the one calming you down,” I gasp. “Are you okay? Is there anything that I can do for you?” I glance towards the curtains, listening to the roar of people on the other side. “It’s really busy out there. Are you going to be alright?”

He breathes deeply and nods. “Yeah, I think so. I mean this is the biggest crowd that I’ve ever played for but then I’m not being me, am I? That, plus the reason I’m actually doing this, is driving me forwards, getting rid of any anxiety.”

When Kian first told me his plan I thought he was insane, but now I can see that he’s right. His crazy ass scheme might actually work here. Pretending to be Stephen, letting the press know that he didn’t die in the attack and that the police got it wrong certainly drummed up some attention. As far as I’m aware everyone has heard about the gig. It’s the sort of fame that Stephen could have only dreamed of. If it’s got the attention of everyone, then it must have got the attention of the killer too. If Stephen saw something that they’re scared of the cops finding out then this should draw them out. And if it does, the authorities will be waiting. It’ll put an end to a very long winded mystery that needs solving.

I just desperately hope that it works. There is so much that’s riding on it. Including us.

“I’m glad you’re okay,” I reply while pushing myself up onto my tiptoes to kiss him gently on the lips. “I’m glad you aren’t scared, but don’t be reckless. Please be careful.”

Maybe I have attachment issues when it comes to Kian but I really can’t just lose him. After everything that’s happened up until this point, it’s hardly any wonder that I’m clinging to him like there’s no tomorrow. He the source of my happiness, he gets rid of my loneliness. I’m not ready to say goodbye to that now… maybe not ever.

“I will be,” he whispers to me, placing his hand on the small of my back. “I promise you. I’m only going out there to sing a few songs anyway. It’s the cops doing the hard work.”

I mold into his body, allowing his embrace to comfort me. With his arms gripping onto me I feel a little bit safer than I did before but I’m not sure that it’s enough. I just want to cling to him and not let him out there. He’s mine, I want to wrap him in a bubble and keep him close. New Zealand feels like my bubble, our bubble. I feel much more exposed in the US. Maybe it’s because I know that my family is here and so are all the problems that I left behind, but since I’ve been back I haven’t had any involvement with any of them and that’s how I intend it to stay. I don’t want to see my father again and I’m quite happy to keep it to odd phone calls with my mother. It’s just easier that way.

“Have you heard the people out there?” he says with a chuckle. “It’s mad, isn’t it? So many people. They all want to see the dead guy.” His expression falls but he quickly regains himself. “I guess I’ll just have to give them the show of a life time.”

I step back as we hear the announcer calling out Stephen’s name. It’s weird to hear him mentioned like that, it stirs all kinds of sadness inside me. Despite what’s happened since I’m still sad that he’s gone. I really don’t think he deserved to die at all, no matter what he saw. He was a good guy, at least he seemed that way to me, and I’m sure he had so much more to offer the world. His life was cut needlessly short which just isn’t fair.

Still, hopefully if this goes to plan, and me and Kian fix this then everyone can move forward safe in the knowledge that we have the answers we so desperately need. Kian needs it, I need it, I’m sure his family desperately needs it. Without these answers, no one can move forward. We’ll all be stuck in a limbo forever, never moving on.

“Good luck out there,” I whisper sweetly to him. “I’ll be in the crowd waving up at you.”

I want to tell him that I love him because I’m pretty sure that I do, but I don’t say it yet. One, it’ll feel much too much like a goodbye, which this isn’t, and two I don’t want to freak him out. I know that he likes me, but I don’t think that he loves me and I don’t want to put the pressure on. Things are already strained enough between me and Kian. Not with our relationship but with the external factors surrounding us… this for example.

Instead, I will have to be content with just thinking it while pressing my fingers to my lips an shooting out continual kisses to him.

I love you, Kian Jones, You are my everything. I really don’t want to lose you right now, not when I think that you could honestly be the one for me. The happy ever after that I never thought I would get. I love you, I love you, I love you. I just can’t wait until I can tell you that for real. I will eventually, just when the moment is right.

I move backwards as Kian grabs his guitar. He nods at me does a silly little salute, which admittedly makes me laugh a little, but I do so with tears in my eyes. This has all moved too quickly, the plan came together too fast. I feel like we need just a little more time. I blow him a kiss and let him go, wishing it didn’t have to be this way.

Once I hear him up on the stage I push my way through the backstage area out towards the crowd. I see the undercover cops everywhere as I go which reminds me just how serious this is. It wasn’t easy to get the police to agree to such a hair brained scheme but once we convinced them that Stephen’s murder was part of something much bigger, which we both really believe it is, then they started to come around. I really hope tonight produces results for them too or they won’t be so willing to help us again. This cost the force a lot of money and man power, I don’t want it all to be for nothing.

“Excuse me,” I mutter as I push past people. “Scuse. Thank you. Excuse me, scuse.”

Eventually I make it as close to the front of the stage as I can manage. It seems that Kian was right about one thing, people really do want a piece of the guy who’s seemingly risen from the dead. It sickens me a little, but maybe I would have been the same if I wasn’t bang smack in the middle of this situation. Maybe I would be with everyone else, with my camera phone held high taking pictures of the man that one small newspaper once reported had been killed.

As I watch Kian, I think back to the moment we went to the bar where Stephen was actually killed, trying to find Katie. I wasn’t keen to find her, I didn’t know what it would be like to find the woman who saw his dead body, but it was an avenue we had to at least try… but of course we got nowhere. The bar is no more, it’s too fire damaged to be anything at the moment, and no one around seems to know a girl called Katie at all. Kian thinks that her vanishing act is all part of the bigger picture, the mafia as he thinks it is, but I’m not so sure. I would much rather think that she’s just gone somewhere else to start a new life.

My eyes focus on Kian and I lose myself in the moment because it’s preferable not to worry about anything else. As I do, I remember the magical moment I saw Stephen playing for the first and only time on the cruise ship. As I watched him up on the stage, singing his heart out to people that were probably way too old to really appreciate his music, I felt happy for the first time in a very long time. He awoke something inside of me that I’d put to sleep long before.

Stephen Jones had such an impact on me that I ran all the way to New Zealand just to be near his memory. Somehow, even after all of this, I want to find a way to keep his memory alive. He doesn’t deserve to just be forgotten, it really isn’t right. I don’t know what I’m going to do just yet, but I’ll definitely do something. I owe him that much. Maybe it was only one night, but if it wasn’t for that night then none of this would have happened. I would probably still be in my parent’s home feeling miserable about my directionless life.

I hope you’re watching this, Stephen, I think while glancing my eyes up towards the sky. I hope you see how much your brother loves you. As an after thought, I add, I hope you don’t mind me and him either. We didn’t mean to fall in love, we just did. It just happened, but it’s the best thing for the both of us. We make each other happy. I hope you can understand that.

I don’t know if I imagine the warmth that circles me at that moment or not, but I choose to believe that it’s a sign. I choose to take it as a blessing because that’s what I need it to be,

The crowd goes wild as Kian rocks it, some of the girls even chant Stephen’s name. From my brief meeting with Stephen and everything that Kian has told me about him, I just know that he would have loved this. For Stephen, this would have been a dream come true. It’s just a shame that he had to die for it to really happen. Maybe if he’d remained alive he would have got here eventually but I suppose we’ll never know now.

His dream died with him.

I get into the mood, I shake my arms, I move my hips, I fall in line with the others. Dancing is the only way that I can forget a little bit how serious this is. I need to stop getting tied up in knots before I throw up over everyone, really ruining the festive mood. Of course, my eyes keep flicking back and forth as I try to locate anyone that looks out of place, anyone that might be suspicious, but I don’t see anyone. Everyone just appears to be having a good time which is a good thing as well as a bad thing.

If something is going to happen, it needs to happen soon before I lose my freaking mind.

Chapter Nineteen - Kian

So far, so good, I think to myself as the crowd goes wild. It all seems to be going to plan… except of course I can’t forget that the plan isn’t actually to give this crowd a good show, it’s to lure out Stephen’s killer. Or killers. I haven’t ruled out the fact that it might be more than one person. Of course, it feels good to be adored. I thought I’d thrown my dream to be famous away long ago but I can feel it coming back to life as the spark of thrill races through me. Maybe once this is all over, it’s something I can pursue again.

What was that? Every strange movement grabs my attention which is annoying because it’s a packed out concert hall of people acting crazy. Every crowd surfer, every person with a sign, everyone that leaps up too high… they all grab my focus which hopefully doesn’t take too much away from the music. Nothing, again, just keep on playing.

Eventually my eyes are drawn to Tia’s as the magnet pulls me back in and I’m instantly calmed all over again. The woman has such an amazing effect on me, I like her far too much. I stare into her eyes lovingly as I sing, remembering that night at Serena’s, when she sat in the coffee shop watching me, the very same night that our relationship changed from something platonic to something much more special.

I love her, I realize starkly. I actually, fell in love with her. I don’t know why I haven’t realized it before, I don’t know why it’s only just hit me now at a moment when I can’t share my feelings with her, but it has. It’s hit me hard and fast in the face, leaving me a little breathless. I love Tia with everything that I have. I want her to be mine forever.

Of course I do, it’s obvious. I wouldn’t have risked everything to be with her if I didn’t. I’ve fallen head over heels for the girl that my twin brother liked, at least for one moment he really liked her, and now I just want her to be mine. A determination settles over me, I decide that what I really need to do when I get back to New Zealand to take her to meet my family. I don’t want to hide anymore, I just want us to be together and I want the whole world to know. Our love is precious, it shouldn’t be hidden. Me and Tia are perfect together,

I hope you approve, Stephen, I think, hoping that if he really is stuck until this plane until we solve it all then he’ll more than likely be watching this right now. I know I would be! This is your dream come true… I’m just sorry that it’s too late.

I play for him, I play for our bond, I play because of our fights, I play because I ignored the one text message that he sent me which actually meant something, I play for my twin and to hopefully trap the bastard that put him in his grave too soon.

I also hope that you aren’t too mad about me and Tia… you know this wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t everything to me. If I didn’t love her, I would have stayed away.

An electricity sizzles through the air which I use to spurn me on. I play louder, better, I sing harder and the crowd goes absolutely wild. They’re loving every single second. I can even see Tia dancing away out there which is saying something. I’ve never seen anyone so anxious as her as we made our way over to America. She barley spoke on the flight, she didn’t say much as we went to see the burned out remains of the building where my brother lost his life, and she’s been ashen all day long. Because of all of that it’s nice to see her let her hair down. I want her to enjoy herself and I’m glad that it’s because of me.

I become overwhelmed with an excitement about what our life will be when we get back to New Zealand. Images fill my head of us fully immersing ourselves in one another’s lives, of us meeting friends and family, living together, getting married, maybe even starting a family… my eyes well up, I like the idea so damn much that I feel about ready to weep with joy. I might not have ever been the playboy that Stephen was but I haven’t really thought about settling down either, but I suppose that’s just because the right girl hasn’t come along. Now she has, now she’s here and I’m ready to give her all of me…

Bang!

The noise is so loud I don’t know what it is at first. It rings through my eardrums at an alarming rate, freezing me to the spot. I try to move my head from side to side so I can work out just what’s going on, but it’s almost as if I can only move in slow motion. For a weird moment it’s as if time has stopped completely and there’s nothing I can do to restart it.

Then my guitar crashes to the ground with a thud, creating a massive racket and allowing the noise to whoosh back into my ears once more, almost knocking me to the ground.

Is that screaming? I think desperately as I try to search the crowd. What’s going on? Everyone is rushing off in every direction as if they know something I don’t. My brain hasn’t quite processed what’s going on so nothing is making any sense right now, all I know is that something has happened. As the man up on the stage, I feel like it’s my obligation to put it right and to do that I need my guitar.

I lean forward to pick it up which I instantly realize is a mistake. A searing pain tears through the left side of my body and when I glance down to see what’s wrong I see a redness that I know shouldn’t be there. A sticky, warm redness that’s oozing from my body at an alarming rate. I clutch the area where the blood seems to coming from which only makes it gush out more ferociously as if I’ve aggravated it or something.

Have I been shot? I think desperately as I stagger back and forth. Now that I’ve seen the wound I can feel it harder and it’s making my brain dizzy. My stomach feels sick, I want to vomit everywhere but I’m in too much shock to do so. Where are the cops? Aren’t they supposed to stop this?

Much as it might have seemed that way on the surface, I didn’t ever come to America with a death wish in mind. I didn’t step up onto this stage tonight thinking I was going to get shot. A part of me thinks that maybe Tia thought that, but it was never on the agenda. I didn’t expect this to happen. I didn’t actually want to die as I pretended to be my brother. I just wanted closure, it’s all I’ve ever wanted, and justice too. My brother doesn’t deserve to be an unsolved mystery, a murder that doesn’t put anyone behind bars, he was too good a person for that. That’s why I fought so hard to make all of this happen.

Save me, Stephen, I think frantically in my pain addled mind. I don’t want to die. Our parents don’t deserve to lose two sons, Tia doesn’t deserve to lose two men, you know this as well as I do. Please save me.

But nothing happens. Nothing good anyway. I blink my eyes frantically a few times trying to regain my vision but it just keeps getting worse. In fact now it’s blackening. The red hot pain is filling up my veins, consuming all of me, threatening to eat me alive and I can feel myself succumbing to it because I don’t know what else to do. My vision is pin holing, I can see less and less with every passing second and I’m also filled with the sickening sense that I’m falling. I’m tumbling, cascading backwards, I don’t know where I’m going to land but I know I can’t remain upwards anymore. The sheer agony is too much. I’m a strong person but I can’t keep fighting it, I just can’t.

Tia, I’m so sorry, Tia, I think desperately as I fall backwards. I’m so sorry. I just wanted to make this right. I never wanted to die, I didn’t want to make you suffer this again. Maybe if I’d spent more time looking for a gun and less time focusing on putting on such an amazing show…

‘Maybe if’, ‘what if’, is that what my whole life comes down to? A whole load of unanswered questions? I should have lived better, I should have been fiercer, I should have done everything very different. But then again, I suppose I never thought that I’d be dying so young with all these regrets. The Jones twins, taken much too soon. That’s probably what they’ll say about us when, if, anyone speaks about us in the future.

Then my head hits something hard, my back slams into the ground, and everything finally goes black.

***

“Kian.” I hear something bursting through the crowd surrounding me, one person trying to infiltrate my brain. I want to answer it, I want to feel it, but I don’t know how to find it. Everything around me is too black. “Kian, it’s me, it’s Tia.”

Tia. That is a name I want to hear. I try even harder to force my eyes open but they just won’t do it. It’s as if they’ve been stuck together with super glue, leaving me in a state. Keep talking to me, Tia. I want to hear from you.

“Kian, I don’t know if you can hear me but I’m here. I’m holding your hand.” I wish I could feel that but I can’t. “Erm, I don’t know if you know but you’ve been shot. The cops have the guy so that’s good, but I’m not concerned about that right now. I guess I’ll sort that out later.” At least the cops have the guy. I don’t know what the fuck is going on with me but at least I know that the guy has been caught. I can almost feel a massive weight being pulled off my chest. “The ambulance is on the way, so someone will be here soon enough to take care of you. I just need you to hang on until then.”

Of course I will, I think as if it’s absolutely obvious. For you, Tia, I will do anything.

She continues to talk as if she thinks her voice is the only thing pinning me to the Earth. Maybe she is, maybe if it weren’t for her I’d fall the hell apart so I focus on her words and I drink them in as if they’re my nectar.

“You did a really good show, you know before the whole shooting thing. I think your brother would have been proud of you. The erm, the crowd really loved you. I think you could be really successful if that’s what you want.” I hear an emotional crack in her voice. I wish it wasn’t there, I hate that she’s sad. “You just… you need to stay alive, alright? That’s all I can ask of you… oh thank God, the ambulance is here, Kian. The paramedics are here to help you. You’ll be okay soon enough. I promise, okay?”

Her voice fades along with my consciousness, without Tia by my side it’s hard to keep going but I know I have to do it for her. She needs me, that’s all that matters to me.

Chapter Twenty - Tia

I want to go straight to the hospital, I want to be with Kian. I want to sit by his bedside and not move until I know that he’s okay but I can’t. The cops need me to make a statement and I really have to do it. Plus the paramedics have just told me that Kian needs emergency surgery as soon as he gets to hospital anyway so all I would be doing is pacing up and down the waiting room. I suppose it’s better that I spend that time doing something productive.

A tear rolls down my cheek as I watch the ambulance pull away. When I heard that gun shot ringing out over the concert I felt sick to my stomach. I fell to the ground and screamed a bellowing sound that seemed to come right from the bottom of my stomach. All I could think about was losing Kian, and it killed me. It still kills me now that I could lose him. A stray bullet seemed to come from nowhere, no one saw it coming, and now it’s changed everything. Everything has fallen apart at the seams and I don’t know how to stich myself back up.

I can’t lose Kian. I can’t lose someone else, I don’t think I’ll survive it again.

I reach a hand out forward, wishing I could hold onto him once more. I hated letting him go, if it had been to anyone other than a medical professional then I don’t think I could have done it. If those people weren’t saving his life then I don’t know what I would have done.

Please take care of him, I think desperately with a thick ball of emotion lodged in my throat. Please keep him alive. I need him, I need that man. He is my everything. I honestly don’t know what I would do without him.

“Miss?” A police office grabs onto my shoulder and spins me around. He looks at me apologetically but I can hear a firmness. “We really need to take you down to the station now. We’ve waited for the ambulance like you requested but I can’t put it off any longer.”

“Okay,” I say while whipping the wetness from my cheeks with my arm. He hands me a tissue and I take it willingly. I need this small bit of comfort right now. “Thank you.”

He leads me through the crowd and takes me to his car, pulling me away from the scene of the crowd. Despite the fact that I know we have the guy and the plan has worked, I still feel helpless as I move. I haven’t had control over my life for a very long time, and now I really don’t have it. It’s gone, possibly forever more. Everything is a mess.

My mother will probably hear about this, I think sadly with a shake of my head. And my father too. They will come looking for me now and my New Zealand dream will be over forever more. I’ll be forced back into the shitty life I desperately tried to escape.

I slide into the back of the police car, feeling a little like a criminal, and I stare out the window to watch the city going by. I can’t really think about any of it, I’m not looking at all. I’m lost in my mind’s eye thinking only about Kian and all the blood all over his body. I don’t know how much blood loss kills people but I hope it’s much more than that.

“I’m sorry I don’t have more to give you now,” the officer comments as if he thinks I need some idly chat right now. Can he not see the inner turmoil I’m suffering? “But they’ll be able to answer any questions you have once we’re down at the station.”

“Right,” I whisper back, nodding as if I’m actually paying attention. “Thank you.”

I twist my head back towards the window, tuning out his words. He’s still talking to me, I can hear him but I don’t know what he’s saying anymore. Maybe I’m being rude but I really don’t care. If any situation cries out for social niceties to be ignored then this is it. My boyfriend got shot up on stage while imitating his twin brother is already dead. If that isn’t the craziness, most ridiculous story that I’ve ever heard then I don’t know what is. It’s crazy, and it’s my life.

What a fucking mess.

The tears start rolling again and this time I don’t bother to brush them away. I want to feel all of this emotion because it might be my one and only chance to do so. Once this car ride is over it’s time for me to be stronger than I’ve ever been before.

***

The polystyrene cup of lukewarm coffee feels alien in my hands, as do the surroundings that I’m sitting in. Despite my family history I’ve never actually been on the inside of a police station before and it’s weird. The white walls, the mahogany desk, the big window that’s obviously a two way mirror… it’s set up to intimidate me and I really feel that way.

Maybe I shouldn’t have come here, maybe I should have refused and gone to the hospital instead. Who knows what’s going on with Kian now…

I push my chair back ready to stand and get the hell out but before I manage to get my butt off the course plastic underneath me the door swings open and a very fierce, official looking man enters the room. He has the sort of commanding presence that makes me zip my lips shut before I can even open them.

“Now, Tia, I have come to speak with you,” he says in a grave tone as he takes the chair opposite me. He places his elbows on the desk and twists his hands together, making me even more anxious. He wrinkles up his forehead which unnerves me and makes me squirm where I sit. “I know you have already given your statement and I’m sure that you’re keen to go, but before you do I just want to tell you what we have discovered. This is an… unusual situation, unprecedented, so I’m just going to go with it.”

“R… right,” I stammer. “Okay sure.”

My heart thumps in my mouth, I can feel it pounding underneath my tongue. Ice cold nerves swerve in and out of my veins, leaving me all messy inside. I don’t know what the man’s going to say next but I have a feeling that it isn’t going to be good.

Of course it isn’t, it’s about the man who shot Kian, the man who killed Stephen.

“We have the name of the shooter, which I’m sure you’re very interested in.” I nod slowly. “And also I just wanted to let you know that you and Kian were both right about one thing. All of this is connected to something much bigger. There’s a crime organization involved and now thanks to what you’ve given us, we can shut it down.”

“Okay.” I can barely speak now, this is all too much. Is this really happening? Did me and Kian reveal a mafia like criminal organization? How the hell am I supposed to feel about that? Good? Nervous? Happy? I don’t know, I don’t really feel anything. Nothing but an endless numbness that seems to go on forever. “Tell me.”

“The name of the shooter is Adrian Walker.”

His words send a tsunami flowing through my brain. I actually feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach, that someone has winded me. I part my lips a couple of times trying to speak but no words come out. I think I’m afraid to actually speak in case I’m sick.

Adrian Walker shot Kian… he probably killed Stephen too. My father’s business partner, the man I heard him talking about murder with.

Were they plotting to kill Stephen then? Is that what I heard? It was after the cruise, when I just got home and they were discussing someone who had seen something. A witness that needed to be taken care of. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to turn back time so I could do something about it sooner.

Maybe I could have somehow saved Stephen’s life. Maybe this is all my fault.

“I can tell by your reaction that this is a name you know.”

“It is,” I rasp. There’s no point in denying that much. “He works with my father.”

“Yes,” he drawls slowly. “I thought as much. So I guess it isn’t much of a surprise if I tell you that your father, Billy Daniels, is the man in charge of the operation that we now need to bring down. Does this sound like something you might know about?”

“Yes,” I rasp. “I mean no.” I shake my head violently. “I don’t know anything about it. I mean, I guess I always suspected but I didn’t know for sure.”

Maybe I could mention the conversation now, but I won’t. Telling the cops won’t bring Stephen back and they also don’t need it as evidence since they seem to have absolutely everything that they need already. Telling them would only implicate me and that’s the last thing I need.

“Okay, well unfortunately Adrian Walker has told us everything and he’s given us evidence so we have officers out now arresting you father.” I nod acceptingly, knowing that it’s absolutely necessary. “So I suppose we don’t need anything else from you. I just wanted you to know.”

“Does that mean I can go to the hospital now?” I ask while pushing myself into a standing position. “I need to check on Kian, to see how he is.”

“You can,” he says while standing too. “But only if you think you’re up for it. If there’s someone that you need to talk to…”

“No, there isn’t anyone.”

I need to get out of here, that’s all I care about right now. I need to speak to Kian… and I also maybe need to speak to my mom too. I might be okay with all of this but she won’t be. It’ll kill her to know that Dad’s going to jail. She’ll be falling apart. She needs to know that I did it, not that I knew it was going to be him, and she needs to hear it from me. It will be the hardest phone conversation of my entire life, but I have to do it. I don’t owe the woman much but I do owe her that.

“Okay well I guess…”

I don’t wait for him to finish his sentence, I just go. I push out the door and stalk towards the front door with my feet on the ground. I don’t want anyone to make conversation with me, not now when I’m so near to my escape. The end goal is in mind, Kian is at the forefront of my brain, and that’s really all I need.

Once the cool air brushes my cheeks I pull my cell phone out my pocket and I hail down a cab with my spare hand. I don’t really want to give Mom this information over the phone, it definitely feels like more of a face to face conversation, but I don’t have time. The day she basically told me that she didn’t care what Dad did as long as he brought in money she lost the right to be my priority. Right now and forever more Kian will be my priority.

I slide into a car seat of the first cab that stops and I pull up Mom’s name on my phone. I’m sure as hell not looking forward to it but I have to hit dial. It’s time to rip of the band aid and to deal with the consequences that lay underneath…

Chapter Twenty One - Kian

Tia, I think desperately inside my head now that she isn’t by my side anymore. Tia, where are you? I know that she told me there was an ambulance coming and that someone was going to look after me, but I don’t know how long ago that was. I don’t know what’s happened since. I need to open my eyes, I know desperately. That’s all I need to do, I need to open my eyes. It shouldn’t be so hard, I should be able to just do it, but for some reason I can’t seem to just make that happen. Something is keeping my vision black.

I twitch my fingers, because I don’t know what else I can do. I don’t seem to have much control over my body but instinctually I know that I can do that.

Almost the moment that decision is made, I hear a loud gasp flooding through the left hand side of my head. “Oh my gosh, did you see that? He moved. Kian, he moved.” The voice comes clearer, it’s almost as if it’s whispering directly into my ears now. “Kian, are you there? Kian, it’s me. It’s Tia. I’m here, I’ve always been here.”

I feel the warmth of her kin curling around my hand which proves to me this isn’t a dream. Tia really is here, wherever she’s been she’s by my side now, and that’s all that matters. I really need to open my eyes now. The only thing that will make me feel better is seeing her beautiful face. Her eyes, her cheeks, her sweet, gorgeous smile…

“Do you think we need a nurse?” She sounds panicked now. “I think we should get a nurse. Is there a call button or something? How do we get someone in here?”

“Tia, sweetheart, calm down.” The voice that follows Tia’s makes my blood run cold and my heart stop beating. That isn’t just any voice, it’s my mothers. Am I dreaming? It doesn’t make any sense that she would be here and she doesn’t even know Tia. I’ve made damn sure of that. “It’s okay. You wait here. I’ll go and get someone.”

As a door squeaks and slams something changes and I just about manage to open slits of my eyes to let a pure white, bright light in. It’s too much, it’s blinding, my eyes snap back shut in an instant. I can’t stand it. How long have my eyes been closed for it to be that way?

“Kian?” Tia’s soft tones soothe me and shut down just a little bit of my panic. “Kian, it’s me. It’s Tia.” She sighs loudly. “I don’t know if you just opened your eyes then or not, but I hope you did. I really want to see those eyes of your again. Boy, have I missed the gray flecks in among the green. That’s… well, it’s beautiful, you know.”

I’m stunned. If I could talk right now I would be silenced. Tia has noticed the gray flecks in my eyes… no one notices that! They all just think I’m fully identical to Stephen and don’t notice the little differences. The fact that Tia has just warms up my chest and makes my heart open wide. This is why I love her, this is why we work. This is why I know she’s mine.

I pry my eyes open again, this time holding them wide until water starts streaming from them. It’s painful., it hurts like hell, but I need to do it for Tia. She needs to see me. I need to see her. Soon the whiteness changes and I begin to see other colors. Not much variation, admittedly, which I assume means I’m in a hospital. If I can recall the sound of an ambulance then that makes a lot of sense.

“Oh my God, Kian, I can see you,” Tia gasps gratefully. I can almost hear the tears in her voice. “Oh thank God. You’re okay. You’re okay. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

Her face comes into view. It’s the only thing I can see in among the whiteness. Her beautiful, angelic looking face. Her eyes are rimmed red and she looks like she’s been crying for a long old time, but she’s the most gorgeous face in the world to me.

I love you, I think with a wonderful heat racing through my body. I love you, Tia.

“Do you need anything?” she asks while wrapping her arms around my neck. “Can I get you anything? Oh my God, I don’t know what to do. I’m just so happy right now.”

I can’t speak, I don’t know how to answer her, but it doesn’t matter. Having her here is the best thing in the world to me right now…

***

The next time I wake up everything is much clearer. The fog surrounding my mind has cleared slightly which allows me to process everything much easier. I am in a hospital, which is probably a good thing since I’m pretty sure I was shot, and I can already feel Tia’s hand still snaked into mine. I don’t know how long she’s been here, but I’m glad that she is. She’s been my rock, and that just makes me love her even more.

“Oh my goodness, Kian.” This time I’m positive that it’s my mom which is very unexpected. I didn’t even tell her that I was leaving New Zealand so I don’t know how she’s managed to end up in America with me. “Me and your father came as soon as we heard.” I can hear the emotion cracking in her voice. “We didn’t know that you were in America on this foolish mission. You foolish boy.” She tuts loudly, but it’s in a way that makes me want to laugh. I feel like a teenager being scolded by my mommy. “I’m just so glad that you’re okay. God I’m glad. After everything… I couldn’t lose you too.”

I turn my aching neck to see her and as I see my mom, my dad, and Tia all in the same room staring down at me, I feel incredible. This is utterly amazing. I have to be the luckiest son of a bitch alive. I don’t know how any of this happened but I’m so glad that it did. I wanted to make this introduction in a much slower, more careful way, but it seems I don’t need to now. They all look content in one another’s company.

“Now, Kian.” Mom turns all business which doesn’t surprise me at all. She’s always been this way, which I suppose she’s had to be with two boys to raise. “I am not happy about the risk you put yourself in, but now isn’t the time for me to have a conversation with you about. But I do want to discuss this wonderful girl with you.” I can’t say anything as she wraps her arms around Tia. That’s the best sight in the world. “She is amazing and I cannot believe you kept her from me. I know why you did, believe me, I’ve heard the whole story, but at the same time I love her. I can’t wait until you both come back home so I can get to know her so much better.” She looks at Tia and smiles. “She’s just great for you.”

I part my lips and rasp, wishing I could get some words out. There’s so much I want to say but I can’t. I’m too sick, too ill. I mean, I’m obviously better than I was, but I’m not perfect. There seems to be still a whole lot of healing to do. But at least I’m here with my family surrounding me. Right now that’s all I care about.

“Now, Kian, I’m sure that Tia has a lot to say to you.” Mom stands up and moves away from the bed. I see her shoot my dad a look which makes him leap up in his seat. He’s always done just what he’s told, probably for an easy life. “So we’re going to go and let you two get reacquainted. Or whatever.” She waves her hand dismissively. “Okay, see you in a bit.”

As my parents go I feel my head swim. This is still pretty hard to accept, it’s still very weird that they’re here. I must have missed a whole lot and I want to know what.

“I have a lot to tell you,” Tia tells me quietly. “But first, how are you? Are you okay?” I nod as much as I can and wait for her to continue. “Good,” she breathes out deeply. “I’m glad. I’ve been very worried about you, it’s been a week of hell.”

A week? I can’t believe that I’ve been out for a week. That’s absolutely insane. I’ve missed a whole damn week of my life. Still, I suppose it could have been longer. I need to look on the bright side. At least I’m awake.

“So, I suppose you want to know what happened at the concert?” Her shoulders hunch forward, I can see that there’s a whole ball of stress on her shoulders. “They caught the man who shot you, the man who killed Stephen”. She gasps. She looks like she’s struggling to get air into her lungs which worries me. I hope this is over now, I don’t want there to be more. “His name is Adrian Walker… and he’s the business partner of my dad.”

What? Her father? I know she hasn’t spoken too much about her family but this is insane. It makes my brain run wild when I try to work out the reasoning behind it.

“It’s not because of me though, there was a part of me that thought it might be. My dad didn’t know there was a connection between me and Stephen at all. Or me and you. He knows nothing, he just… well, from what the police told me he saw a murder happening on the cruise ship just after he was with me, like we suspected and that… well because he was a witness they wanted him gone.”

Sadness flicks through her eyes and I feel it too. Having the answers with what happened with Stephen is a part of the healing process but now I’m realizing that it isn’t all of it. The hurt is still there but so is the guilt. I guess that will just have to pass with time. At least his memory can be put to rest now, at least we still have all the answers. At least we know why. It doesn’t make it any less senseless, but still.

“I have been staying with my mom,” Tia continues. “It hasn’t been easy, our relationship is still a bit fractured, but we need each other right now. She is really struggling without Dad, but at the same time I think she understands this is necessary. He has to go to jail, you know? He’s the mastermind behind a criminal organization. He can’t keep doing that forever. It had to end sometime.”

I want to tell her that I love her, I want to finally get some words out my mouth and let her know but my vocal chords aren’t working at all. I’ve been rendered mute by the shooting.

On that thought I try to feel the gun shot wound, but I can’t. It’s almost as if it didn’t happen. They must have me on some pretty hefty pain meds. Enough to have me woozy all over again even though I’ve just woken up. I don’t want my eyes to close, I want to stay awake to listen to Tia some more but the fog is back, the need to sleep is wrestling me down and I don’t have the strength to fight it. My eyes flicker closed despite my desperate need for them not to and I give in to the blackness once more…

Chapter Twenty Two - Tia

“Is everything okay?” Mom asks me as she wanders into the kitchen to see me with my back pressed against the counter as I wait for the kettle to boil. It’s weird being back at home, but since Mom opened the doors to me and Kian while he heals. “You look very tired, Tia.”

I give her what I hope is a reassuring smile. I am tired, shattered actually, but that’s mostly because I can’t sleep. I’m too scared to rest while Kian does because although he’s had the all clear from the doctor, I’m still scared that he’ll slip away. I just can’t help myself.

“I think I’m alright, Mom. Just keeping an eye on Kian. I need him to be okay.”

It’s an awkward topic of conversation that me and Mom keep trying to scoot around. It’s hard to deal with because she’s still upset about Dad and I’m sure she thinks that I’m not. I am upset, but not about him. I’ve never been close to him, he’s never been a Dad to me. We were just always strangers living under the same roof. I never really realized it until I went to college. Of course she misses him, he was her husband and the man who supported her through their adult life. I understand her point of view completely, but he needs to pay for what he’s done. It isn’t right to have him out on the streets killing others. Whoever he is.

No, I’m not sad about him at all, I’m just sad for Stephen. He didn’t need to die. His and Kian’s wonderful parents, Mary and Bob, didn’t need to lose a son. There are so many reasons that none of this should have happened… but at least the perpetrator is now behind bars. He’s going to be locked away for a very long time. Both of them are.

“Well you need to make sure that you get some rest yourself,” she continues while taking over the making of the drinks. “I understand why you feel so responsible for Kian, but he wouldn’t want you to work yourself into the ground. You know that.”

“No, no, I know that.” I stifle a yawn, wishing I could be a bit stronger. “It’s okay. I’m good.” I narrow my eyes as I can almost see thoughts racing through Mom’s brain. She’s never been one for subtlety. “What is it, Mom? I feel like you have something to say.”

Her eyes well up with tears, I see a show of emotion that I don’t think I’ve ever seen from her before. “I guess I just want to know what your plans are once Kian is better. I know that you’ve been in New Zealand for a while, but you do know that you always have a place to live here. The both of you.”

I think about Mary and Bob in New Zealand. I think about Ashley and all my other friends. My job too. My boss has been very understanding, I know I still have a job when I go back… but that isn’t a decision that I want to make now. Not here while Mom is so emotional. I would much rather wait until we’re all in a much better place.

“I don’t know, Mom.” I say with a sigh taking the mugs from her. “I don’t want to think about that right now, I just want to take this one step at a time.”

She parts her lips, ready to say something but she seems to think better of it at the last minute and she nods mutely instead. I can see that she still needs me and I want to be there for her, I really do, but she hasn’t ever been there for me. She abandoned me when I needed her most. I told her what I heard Dad saying and she basically shut me down and suggested that she didn’t care. That led to Stephen being killed. I don’t want to be just like her but at the same time now is the time of my life when I need to start thinking about me.

“Right, I’m going to go and check on Kian,” I tell her with a small smile. “He’s still in bed, in a lot of pain today so I’ll go and see if he’s okay.”

“Yes. Of course.” She takes a seat at the table and looks pleadingly at me. “You’re a good girl, Tia. Kian is very lucky to have you. I hope he knows that.”

I smirk and turn. Hoping that he does too. I think he does, he’s been thanking me enough, but still it’s nice to hear it from someone else. Every moment I spend with him I find myself falling deeper and deeper in love with him. I just haven’t worked up the courage to say it yet. Kian is going through enough, I don’t want to pile on more pressure if he doesn’t feel the same way about me. I’ll just wait. It’ll be fine, I’m sure.

I push the door open with my foot and see the adorable slightly pale expression of Kian in front of me. He curves his lips upright into a smile as he sees me which warms up my heart. “How are you doing, sweetie?” I murmur as I step inside.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” he grumbles while pushing himself into a sitting position. “I’m looking forward to a coffee.”

I hand him the mug and he takes a massive gulp while rolling his head back and groaning in sheer pleasure. Caffeine seems to be just about the only thing that’s keeping him going at the moment. I love that I can help him with all his pain, even if it’s only in a small way.

“I’ve just been thinking everything through,” he continues to speak thoughtfully. “And it’s crazy isn’t it? It’s like a novel or a movie or something.” I nod slowly, barely paying too much attention to his words. “And I think it should be written down.” My head bobs up and down, but my ears aren’t really processing anything still. “Didn’t you used to write? Like, stories, I mean. Not just the newspaper stuff.”

Okay that gets my attention. I flick my eyes up to him and examine him closely. I try to work out what he’s trying to tell me in a roundabout way. I have told him that I like writing fiction and that I started to do so but I never told him the details. Stephen inspired it and it was kind of steamy. There are many things I tell him but not that. It’s too embarrassing to share.

“What I’m trying to tell you is that I think you should write the story of what happened to us.” He winces in pain but I hardly notice. His words have got the cogs in my brain absolutely flying. What we went through was like the plot of a book or something. I could use it to write something. It would be the perfect way to keep Stephen’s memory alive too which is something that I really want to do. “Don’t you think?”

“I… I don’t know. Yeah, I think that maybe I could.” The plot begins forming, all the details I haven’t forgotten come to the forefront of my brain once more. There’s so much to write about, it could be an amazing story. “That’s a really good idea.”

He takes my hand and stares up lovingly into my eyes. “I think you’ll do a really good job of it, you know. And I think it’s best for you to get back to writing. It’s something that you love, something you’re passionate about, something that deserves you to give it a chance. I want you to be happy, you know that?”

“I do know that,” I reply thickly. “I do and it means so much to me that it makes me want to do more. But…” I bite down on my bottom lip, wondering if now might be the right time. I’m so filled with love right now that I can feel it running over. I can’t control it anymore, it needs to come out. “You are the one who makes me happy. I love you, Kian, I love you so damn much.”

He’s silent for a beat too long, making me wonder if I’ve made a mistake. I’ve been so logical, I’ve tried to be so careful with my words, but his understanding of my true nature just made it explode from me. I didn’t mean it to happen, it just did.

“Oh God, Tia,” he replies with a cracked, emotional voice. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to hear that.” Relief floods me as I realize this must mean that he feels the same way about me. The tight knot in my stomach uncoils and I feel my pulse rate return to normal. Well, almost normal, this is still a huge, life changing moment after all. “I love you too. I’ve loved you for a very long time. You’re just… you’re everything to me.”

I press my lips against his, not too hard because I know that he’s still very fragile. I let the love flow from my lips to his, solidifying the union that we now share. I feel even more secure in what we have now. I feel like we actually will make this last forever. Maybe the way we met is a little crazy, but now none of that matters. Now we’re just us.

“Well, I think I better get a little more sleep,” Kian grunts while lying back. “And you probably want to get to writing, don’t you? I can almost see the ideas floating behind your eyes already. Your brain is all busy.”

I chuckle knowingly because he’s so right. I can feel an itch in the ends of my fingers, needing to get out. It’s a strong urge I’ve never felt before.

“You’re correct,” I tell him happily. I lean forward to place a kiss on his forehead. “You get some sleep, sweetie, and I’ll see you when you wake up. Love you.” My chest warms, I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of saying those words.

“I love you too.” Oh, it seems I won’t ever grow tired of hearing them either. They make me feel so damn special it hurts. “Night.”

As Kian rests his head back on the pillow I step back from him and move over to my desk. When I moved to New Zealand in a hurry I left all my notebooks and writing equipment behind meaning that they’re still there now. The only good thing that my parents did was leaving my bedroom exactly as I left it. I don’t know how I would have felt coming back if that weren’t the case. With a pink notebook and a black biro, I sit at my desk and I let the pen flow without thinking about it. I don’t even consider the quality of the work. I know that the most important thing to do now is get the story out. Once it’s out there, on paper, I can edit it and make it so much better then. I might even change names and places then, to protect the real identities of people if they don’t want to be in it. Make it more of a fiction piece than fact, but for now, everything will be what it was:

The Princess Cruise was supposed to change everything. I wanted it to kick start my brand new life. I expected to find something aboard that ship, something that would steer me in a new direction and change the course of my current, very boring, existence. As I stared up at the grand ship, I felt a burst of excitement as I got the sense that nothing would ever be the same again.

It did change everything, but not in the way that I expected…

Chapter Twenty Three - Kian

I don’t know how to take Tia’s mom if I’m honest. I mean, she’s always been nice to me but I know from Tia that she hasn’t always been great. We have a stilted, slightly awkward relationship, but it’s okay for now. I’m polite because she’s let me stay in her house while I recover which is very good of her, but I know that she knew about her husband’s escapades and she did nothing about it. Stephen died because of that, which I cannot fully forgive.

Hopefully it won’t be too much longer. I’m getting ready to leave this house now, to restart my life. I’m itching to leave the confines of these four walls and to be me again.

“What are you doing?” I ask Tia while rubbing her shoulders. There’s a lot of tension there, she could use a good massage really. “You’ve been writing for hours now.”

“Hmm?” She looks up at me, bleary eyed and a little confused. “Oh I’m sorry have I been neglecting you?” She smiles thinly, blinking far too rapidly. “I’m sorry I keep getting sucked into the story line and getting lost. It makes me forget all about the rest of the world.”

“That’s good.” A bright, beaming proud smile spreads across my cheeks. I’ve never been so proud, it feels like Tia is finally flowing her dream at last and she’s really happy doing it. She’s only let me read snippets of the story at the moment, but it’s fantastic. She’s a true talent. I know she’s going to edit it to make it a mix of fact and fiction at the end to protect certain identities, but I think what he’s done is fantastic. It’s a real mood piece, a great way to remember Stephen. “I’m glad. That means it’ll be an amazing end product. You will have publishers and agents trying to snap your hand off.”

“Oh I don’t know about that.” She blushes coyly. “But I am having a very good time writing it. I forgot how much I like to write fiction. I mean, I enjoy my job at the paper and everything but this is just so much more me.”

“Good. Can I read some?” I reach forward to take a piece of paper from her but she snatches it away and shakes her head violently at me. “What? Why not?”

“I don’t want you to read it again until it’s done,” she says anxiously. “Your opinion and trying to please you is putting me off. Just let me get it done first.”

I’m not offended. I know what it’s like trying to do something creative. I don’t want anyone to hear my songs either until they are completely done. I take a step back with my hands in a surrendering gesture and give her a chuckle to show that I’m not offended.

“Alright, alright. Whatever you want. I’ll just be over here, waiting for you.”

She looks at me thoughtfully while tapping her chin. With her intense piercing gaze, I feel like she can see straight into me and she sees the things that I would much rather keep hidden. Usually I like that she can see that much of me, it makes me feel special that she knows me so well, but now I feel a little uncomfortable under it. It’s almost as if I have something to hide although I don’t know what it is.

“You are bored now, aren’t you?” Ah, that’s it. I don’t want her to know that I’m growing impatient to move on. Not when she’s in such a good creative place. “You want to leave here now.” I don’t say anything, but I guess chewing down on my bottom lip tells her everything that she needs to know. “I guess what we need to do is decide what to do next.” She cocks her head and gives me a curious look. “What are you thinking?”

I part my lips to speak, even though I don’t know what I’m going to say, but as it turned out I’m saved by the bell… or at least by the sound of my phone ringing loudly. “Oh, I better get this,” I tell her regretfully as I leave the room.

Once outside I press my back against the door and I close my eyes for a moment of relief. I know that I want to leave but I don’t know what I want to do. If I’m honest, there are other things that I’ve been keeping from Tia too and that’s musical job offers in America and New Zealand. Judging from the number that’s on my phone screen, this is going to be more of that.

“Hello?” I answer quietly. “Kian Jones speaking.”

“Hi, Kian,” comes the slick, smooth reply. “This is Bonnie from Mr. Beaumont’s office. I am just calling to chase you up, to see if you’ve had time to think about our offer.”

God the offer they’ve given me is good. Too good. It’ll catapult me to the rich and famous area of life I didn’t even know I desired until I performed that gig. I can close my eyes as I speak to Bonnie and I can see myself doing that for a living and making a whole lot of money as I do. Me and Tia would be set for life easily and it would probably be a whole lot of fun. Yes, it might be a little weird that it’s an offer piggybacking the controversial concert and it might also be strange that the Mr. Beaumont wanted to sign my brother too, but I’m trying my best not to think too hard about that one.

“I have,” I tell her sadly. “But I still don’t know what to do about it….”

“Is it more offers?” she jumps in, misinterpreting my hesitation. “Because we can go higher. Mr. Beaumont is more than willing to pay you whatever you want. You’re hot stuff right now. I’m sure we can work out a good deal for you.”

This is the thing that sickens me. I know I could be more successful in America, I know I could be rolling in all the money in the world if I took it, but the main reason they want me now is because my brother was killed and I was shot. I’m a news story. I’ve probably gone viral online, my story is surely everywhere. They want me like I’m a commodity and I don’t know if that’s what I want for my future. Life is too short to be unhappy.

Plus, it isn’t just me that my decision affects. I glance backwards towards Tia’s room and consider what she wants. Really, all I want is to be in the same country as her. What’s happened now has ensured that I definitely cannot live without her. She’s car crashed into my life, affected me deeply, and now all I want is to spend the rest of my life making her happy.

“I’m sorry, Bonnie,” I say smilingly while tugging the phone away from my ear. “I don’t know how to answer this question right now, I need more time. I know that probably doesn’t suit, but…” I hang up before I can finish my sentence, but I really don’t care anymore. I want to continue doing music, but I don’t want to sell my soul for it.

I glance at the screen of my phone and scroll to the text messages I’ve ben sharing with a music producer back in Wellington. It isn’t a big operation out there in New Zealand, it won’t make me nearly as much money, but I could be happier and freer. That’s another choice. Maybe that’s the one I really want to take, I don’t know yet.

I haven’t wanted to be truly famous for a very long time, I remind myself as I look at the screen. That hasn’t been in my plan for ages. Now I also have the woman that I love to consider. She has a life in New Zealand, and one here too.

It’s up to her, it has to be. With a loud, determined sigh, I push the door to her bedroom back open and I step inside to watch her happily squirreling away with her writing all over again. I tiptoe across the room, not wanting to disturb her, and I sit on the edge of her sheets just waiting for her to get to a stopping point. I know now not to talk to her when she’s in the middle of a sentence if I don’t want to be on the wrong end of her wrath.

I prop my elbows onto my knees and rest my head on my hands as I watch her. I’m glad that I can bend this way now. The wound has healed enough for me to move now but I’ll always have a big scar to remind me of that night… not that I think I can forget it anytime soon.

“Right.” Tia spins on her chair to look at me. I can see a fire in her gaze which makes me happy. She looks so damn beautiful when she has that spark within her. It always reminds me why I fell in love with her in the first place. She’s spunky, fun, passionate, ambitious, lovely… I just love everything about her. “Who was that on the phone?”

I guess it’s now or never. Time to just tell her everything. I haven’t wanted to hide it from her, I just haven’t wanted to pile the pressure on while she’s writing, but I know what Tia is like. She’ll be like a dog with a bone now that she suspects something. It’s time to just blurt it all out and be truthful with her.

“That was a record label,” I tell her with a blush. “In America. A pretty big one that wants to sign me up, help me to release some albums and tour.”

Initially her eyes widen with happiness, she looks pleased for me that my dreams are coming true, but before she can say anything it dawns on her the implications of this decision. She suddenly sees that this isn’t just a straight forward thing. “Oh,” she practically whispers. “Right, I see. And what do you think about that?”

“It isn’t the only offer I’ve had,” I admit. “And not all of them take place in America.” I give her a one shouldered shrug and fix my eyes on the ground while I continue. “Of course the ones that are better money are here, there’s no escaping that, but I have also been given opportunities in New Zealand. I guess with what you’ve just been saying, it’s time to decide what we want to do next.”

She pushes her chair back stands up, pacing the room with her hands clasped behind her back as if she’s really troubled by this information. “And what do you want to do? I mean, I suppose I could do my writing anywhere if you want me with you…”

“Of course I want you with me,” I insist with a chuckle. “I want to do whatever you want.”

She turns to give me an imploring look under her eyelashes, making my heart melt. “And what do you think would be best for you? What do you think your best option is?”

“Honestly?” I reply while grasping her hands. “I think I will be richer in America, but happier in New Zealand. Where do you think you could find the most happiness?”

She slumps against my chest and warps her arms around my waist. I envelop her in a hug while I wait for her answer. This is a big life decision that lays ahead of us. I don’t want her to make a snap decision while under pressure.

“I want to be in New Zealand,” she finally admits. “I don’t feel like I have anything but bad memories in America. I was lonely here, miserable, my father lives here. Even if he’s in prison, he’s still everywhere in this house. Plus Stephen died here, and you got shot. I just want to be in Wellington with my friends and my job… plus your parents. They don’t deserve to lose another son.”

I pull back to look at her seriously. “But what about your mother? Doesn’t she need you?”

Her face tightens, I can see anger flashing in her eyes. Maybe that was the wrong thing to say. “I love my mother, but I’m sure she will be just fine without me. She’s had me for some time, but she’s an adult and she needs to live with the choices that she’s made. I’m sure she’ll be fine anyway, she isn’t alone. She has friends. I need to do what’s right for me, and I think that’s being in New Zealand.”

I dip my head down gently kiss the top of her head in a loving way. “If that’s what you want then that’s what I want too.” My whole chest expands with happiness and relief, this is what I’ve wanted, I just needed Tia to agree with me before I could settle on it. “We’re going to be very happy me and you, I just know it.”

Chapter Twenty Four - Tia

As soon as the decision is made and I know that we’ll be leaving America soon, a freedom bursts in my chest. I push myself up onto my tiptoes to reach Kian’s high up lips so I can kiss them with everything that I feel for him. I’m so glad that he wants me because he’s all that I want too. I cannot imagine spending even one more day of my life without him.

I don’t want to remain in America, even if the opportunities are better. There are too many bad memories here that I never want to think about again. I would much rather be in my safe haven where all of this is miles away, with my friendship group and my happy life. However, if Kian had told me then that he wanted to stay in America, I would do it for him. I love him too damn much, I would do anything for this wonderful man.

My fingers idly trace up his stomach where I find the scar left behind from his injury. I delicately brush it, noticing for the first time in a very long time that he isn’t wincing from the pain. He must be on his way to getting better, fully better, which is awesome.

“How are you feeling now?” I mutter against his lips. “Are you okay?”

“Good enough for this.” His hands circle my waist and I start to feel the material of my top slide up over my head. There’s a deep passion as he curls his finger tips around the material which I haven’t felt in a very long time. I’ve been trying to contain myself, to hold the deep fiery need inside until Kian is better, and now finally it seems like that time has come. My heart beats faster as goose bumps prickle along my now, naked skin.

“Are you sure?” I ask breathlessly as I feel a deep throbbing all over my body. My core is already pulsating desperately and he hasn’t even confirmed that this is going to happen yet. “You aren’t still too hurt, are you?” I don’t want to hurt him more, even if I want it.

“I’m not too hurt for you, no,” he growls while nipping at my bottom lip with his teeth. “I have hated holding back. I don’t think I can do it for another second longer.”

With that it’s my turn to remove his top and as I do I allow my fingers to feel every millimeter of his strong, sculpted abs. I’ve missed this body so much that I could groan and pant all night long. As I’ve been writing, I keep getting distracted by the memory of how good it is to be with Kian, so I’m so glad I get the chance again.

Once Kian’s top is off I push him roughly backwards until his back hits the wall behind him. His eyes widen in shock which only causes a cheeky smile to spread across my lips. It’s ben far too long since we’ve been in this position and I damn well want to take full advantage of it. I walk towards him, swaying my hips as I go, which makes him lick his lips with anticipation. I like that look on his face, it makes my heart pound even harder.

As soon as I meet Kian’s body again I connect my mouth with his neck. I start by kissing him softly and gently while slowly trailing my fingers along the waistband of his boxers. There’s an intense heat coming from there, I can feel a steely rod inside, but first I want to make him wait until he can barely stand it anymore. I want to drive him crazy.

Eventually he grunts loudly, his thighs tense, and his fingers grip tightly into my hips. I know then that I have my moment. I clamp my teeth down into Kian’s neck, biting him and marking him as mine, all while dipping my hand into his underwear and wrapping my fingers around that thick, incredible shaft. His hot, thick, throbbing erection.

“Oh God,” I groan into his throat. “Fuck.” I forgot how big he is, how good he feels. The memory floods me violently. “Oh, Kian.”

His short, sharp breaths tell me that my touch is doing it for him, so I run my hand up and down him, absolutely loving the sound that flies from his lips as I do. He’s needy, he’s desperate, he’s mine. I want to take that one step further, and judging by the wetness inside my mouth my whole body is utterly desperate for a taste of him.

I pull my hand away from him, smiling as Kian protests, until I drop to my knees with a thud in front of him, silencing him completely.

I keep my eyes fixed upon Kian as I pull his trousers down and get rid of his boxers too. It was fine to touch him underneath the material with just my hands, but now I need him springing free and standing to attention. As his cock falls from his pants, I inhale deeply, squirming as the sexy, masculine scent of him fills my nostrils.

I take his shaft in one hand and run gentle kisses up and down him for a moment. It quickly becomes obvious that he likes my mouth near his tip, so I remain there for a few seconds, brushing my lips against him, tickling him with my breath, and eventually flickering my tongue over him as if he’s an ice cream that I just can’t get enough of.

“Oh fuck,” he moans while lolling his head to one side in sheer ecstasy. He looks so damn sexy like that. “Tia, your mouth… it’s amazing. You have no fucking idea.”

I move my whole head closer and part my lips. Kian rests his cock on my tongue, begging for entrance. His tense thighs are almost shuddering as he waits, and I can’t help but love the power this gives me over him. I love having control over this big, beautiful man, it reminds me that after everything we’ve been through he’s finally mine. Then I open my mouth wider and I slide him down as far as I can manage, until he’s hitting the back of my throat. I can taste him back there, and it feels damn good.

“Shit, Tia.” Kian’s hands knot up into my hair. He tugs my head slightly, pulling me back. I let him control my movements but only for a second. I need him to remember that I’m the powerful one here. I’m the one in command. “Oh God.”

I drag my mouth back to his tip, flicking my tongue the entire way. He tastes delicious, sweet and salty all at once, making my heart beat faster. My panties soak, I can feel them dampen with every movement. Anticipation races through my body at the thought of him touching me too… but I’m not ready for that yet, I’m too busy enjoying myself.

This time as I push my lips down to his base, I use my spare hand to cup his balls. This isn’t something that I’ve ever one before, but in the heat of the moment it just feels right. There’s something about Kian and the way that he looks at me as if I’m the most desirable woman on the planet that makes me feel brave. It unleashes a primal animal within me which I absolutely love. I enjoy being wicked and naughty, it’s exciting to learn new things about myself, it just makes me want to open up more and more.

I massage his balls as Kian starts to lose control. He can’t help but guide my head up and down him fast and furious which creates an exciting friction against my lips. I love the burning sensation, it’s just further proof that according to Kian, I’m sexy as fuck.

“Oh fuck, stop,” he eventually spits out, pulling my head away. “Stop it, I can’t take it anymore. You’re driving me insane. I can’t… you’re going to make me lose it too soon.”

He tugs my mouth away and places his hands flat against the wall behind him as he tries to catch his breath. I’m disappointed because I was enjoying myself, but also happy. I cannot wait to feel him inside of me and if he’d finished too soon then I would have been left one very frustrated woman. Dissatisfied and needy as hell.

While I wait for Kian to get control of himself, I decide to perform a strip tease with the rest of my clothes. There might not be any music playing but I sway and swing my hips as if there is, tugging down my trousers, pulling off my bra, and eventually removing my soaking wet panties. Once they’re off I chuck them at him so Kian can feel just how het up I am for him. I feel sexy as hell as his expression lights up.

“Fucking hell,” he growls as the material brushes past him. “Are you trying to send me wild?”

With dark, hooded eyes, he slams his body into me and kisses me fiercely. Our teeth crash together violently but neither of us care. We’re both far too het up to be worried about anything like that. This is all pure, unbridled passion and neither of us can get enough.

“Turn around,” Kian hisses at me. “And place your hands flat on the bed.”

Feeling very cheeky, I listen to his words. I bend over my bed with my butt high in the air, presenting myself to him. Maybe I should feel silly or vulnerable, but with Kian I don’t. He’s safe, he loves me, and I do him.

“Part your legs,” he insists. “I want to see all of you.”

“Yes, sir,” I rasp teasingly as I do as he asks. My wet slit must be revealed to him because he grunts as if he’s in physical pain. “Is there anything else you want me to do for you, Sir?”

“Touch yourself,” he rasps. “Just for a minute. I want to watch you.”

This is a new game, a kinky game that I like. I guess me and Kian haven’t had nearly enough time together yet to fully get to know one another and what we like. Things have been so crazy around us, it’s been hard to get some alone time. I can’t wait to find out more, I’m looking forward to learning everything about Kian.

My fingers stroke down my thighs and back up again. Then I take them to my highly sensitive nub and I gasp out in pleasure as I finally get some relief. Of course I would much rather it be Kian touching me, but having him watch me is fun too.

“Oh fuck,” I groan, falling into the bed sheets as the pleasure gets me. “Oh, Kian.”

When I say his name I think the passion must get to him because I can feel him against my butt in a heart beat. His rock hard erection rubs against me, which makes me cry out for him. My body screams, my hips roll, I desperately need to feel him inside of me.

“Stop teasing me, Kian,” I gasp desperately. “It’s been too long. I can’t take it anymore. You’re driving me crazy.”

I peer over my shoulder, flicking my hair as I do and I watch him grab himself tightly. He fists himself a couple of times causing a ball to lodge itself into my throat, then he angles himself and pushes in, filling me completely. My fingers are still brushing against my clit so with each trust the intensity in the pressure grows. The pleasure starts off like a hot pool deep in my toes and it rises through me as Kian’s thrusts get harder and more desperate. My knees bang against the bedframe, my free hand has to grab onto the sheets just to keep me upright, but as my head spins violently I just don’t care. It feels too fucking good, this is the best that I’ve felt in a very long time.

“Holy shit!” I scream as the hot pool spreads through my stomach. “Oh my God, Kian.”

“You just keep touching yourself,” he says in a shaky tone. “Don’t stop, don’t you stop.”

I do as he commands as I feel him shudder behind me. My lips wrapped around him earlier has brought him to the brink probably much quicker than he wanted but I don’t mind that at all. I’m very close myself, teetering on the edge actually, and we have all night to do this again.

No, not all night. All life. We have the rest of our lives for this.

Finally, the pleasure hits me like a tsunami of waves. It washes over me, it rolls through my body, and the whole time the entire world has shrunk down to just me and Kian. No one else matters, nothing else exists. It’s only me and him and that’s just the way I love it. My heart thunders, my knees buckle, my body shudders and shakes, but Kian holds on to me, keeping me safe and protected the entire time.

“I love you,” I mutter afterwards as I can feel the pleasure bursting from him. “I love you, Kian. So damn much.”

It isn’t until we’re lying in one another’s arms afterwards, panting and clinging to one another as if no one else exists in the world that I realize in the heat of the moment that we acted a little irrationally. I didn’t think about it at the time and I’m sure Kian didn’t either. We didn’t use protection.

I’m sure it’s fine, I think reassuringly to myself as I roll onto one side to gave up at Kian. I’m sure that being reckless once won’t matter. I won’t get pregnant after just one time… surely?

Epilogue - Tia

Six Months Later…

I rub my swollen belly, shaking my head once more at my utter naivety. I didn’t think I’d get pregnant so quick which is why I ignored all the early signs. I put the morning sickness down to the stress of flying back to New Zealand and the stress of moving into Kian’s home. I assumed that the endless tiredness was just me trying desperately to get back into the swing of things, I though I was just gaining a little weight because I was finally happy.

Now, I know for sure. I can’t deny it anymore with this rock hard round belly, and I think I’m just about getting used to the idea which is a good thing because in three months time, me and Kian will be inviting our baby daughter into the world.

How is he more adjusted to the idea than me? I think bemusedly. I’m the one carrying the baby and I forget sometimes, but not Kian.

He’s super excited, and his parents are too. For a while they all hoped that it would be twins, I suppose to replace what’s been lost, but I have to admit I’m glad that it isn’t. One baby is going to be enough to deal with, never mind two. I’m not convinced I have it in me to be a good enough mother to keep just one child alive. I just hope that everything changes when the time comes and it’s just natural to me.

Ring, ring… Ring, ring…

I grab my phone and look at the screen, smiling as I see my mom’s name. We get on much better these days, which might well be because I’ve grown up and she’s in a much better place in her life too… or maybe it’s just because we live in different countries. Maybe that’s the only way we can have a good relationship.

“Hi, Mom, you okay?” I say warmly into the phone.

“Yes, I’m good. Just about to head out with my friends. Just wanted to check in on you and the baby.”

By ‘friend’ I think she means date but she’s too embarrassed to tell me. I don’t mind, I’m happy for her to move on now that she’s divorced from Dad. She deserves some happiness in her life. I just hope that this time she’s picked someone wisely and it isn’t another idiotic criminal just to keep her rolling in the money. Me and Kian certainly don’t have a flash lavish lifestyle, but we’re comfortable. That’s all I care about now.

“Good, thanks.” I rub my belly again, smiling down at my unborn child. “All id going really well.”

“I have my trip out to see you booked just after your due date.” I roll my eyes as I try to consider how hard that’s going to be. Still, I can’t keep her away from her grandchild, that wouldn’t be fair. “So that will be nice.”

I hear the door click open and I swing my eyes excitedly around the room. Kian has been off on some job today, all very mysterious, and I can’t wait to find out more about what he’s been doing. I can talk to my mom about how ‘wonderful’ her visit will be some other time.

“Oh, I have to go, Mom. Kian is home, but I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”

“Yes, yes, U have to go too. I’ll speak to you then.”

I jump up excitedly and I move towards the door to see Kian. Even now after all this time my heart beats faster and I get butterflies in my stomach every time I see him. He manages to have a powerful affect on me and I don’t think that will ever end.

“Hey, baby,” I call out. “I can’t wait to hear about your day… oh.” The words fall away from my lips as I see him kneeling in front of the door with an open ring box in his hands. “Oh my goodness.” My hand claps against my mouth in shock. “What is this, Kian?”

“I love you,” he chuckles, his eyes already filling up with water. “I love you so much that I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to do this.” He breathes a couple of times as if he’s trying to collect himself. “I love you, Tia, and I have done for ages. Maybe even from the very first moment when I met you… even if you were calling me a different name.”

A tear trickles down my cheek at the memory. When I thought he was Stephen and I chased him out of the club. How crazy our journey has been. It’s just a good job that I have it all recorded in my best selling novel, The Beautiful Disaster.

“I want you to be my wife, especially now that you’re carrying my baby.” He reaches out to rub my belly. “I want to make you happy, I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy because you deserve it. I was us to be together forever, you know.” He holds the box out to me again. “So what do you say? Will you be my wife?”

“Yes,” I reply with utter certainty. “Of course I will.”

He leaps up to push the princess cut diamond ring onto my finger and then he wraps his arms around me to hold me close. As he does the tears roll free, but I’m happy crying. This is the happiest that I’ve ever been in my whole damn life. Me and Kian, Kian and me, we’re the real deal. Me and him forever more.

“We might have to get married soon,” I warn him. “Unless you want my mother to visit twice.”

He groans and rolls his eyes, before laughing at me. “You know what, you’re worth it. I suppose I can put up with her. Just because I love you.”

I press my lips against his and kiss him softly. “I love you too, Kian. Forever and always. This is just the start of yet another journey and I cannot wait to share it with you.”