Chapter 18: Johnathan

Afterwards, I found myself in a similar position to the first day that we had made love. While I was even more content by the outcome, I was unsure of how all of it had transpired. I was confused and somewhat disappointed in myself.

I felt vulnerable, now that she knew the shitstorm that is my life, I wasn’t sure how I should react.

Some of me was happier than I had felt in a long time, but most of what I was feeling was anger.

I wasn’t guilty anymore, but I did feel as though I betrayed my own convictions. I was enraged by the idea that I had allowed myself to get emotionally involved.

After what we had talked about and everything that had happened, I had tried to be positive, but once the excitement stopped and I was left alone with my thoughts, the darkness of my past life was able to creep back in.

She doesn’t really want you. I told myself. She’s stuck with you right now. That’s the only reason she is trying to be nice to you. She is going to end up just like Sarah, if you aren’t careful. You need to end this, now, before it kills you.

Although, there was still a sense of trust in Carrie, that I had, though I wasn’t sure where it came from. I figured it had something to do with her honesty toward me and her willingness to call me out on my mistakes, instead of feigning happiness, when she was really planning to leave me, tear my heart out and stomp on it.

Yet, even with her apparent honesty, there was no absolute way that I could be sure she wasn’t going to destroy me.

All you have left is Jake and Jake likes Carrie. If she takes him away from you, what purpose will you have to live? I thought, knowing that was the only thing of value she could take from me now. She could put me in jail, I supposed, but what would hurt most about that was leaving my dog behind.

Therefore, I decided that he was the only reason I still had any care for keeping my freedom and my sanity. However, I did still want to keep it, and so I decided that if I didn’t want to risk the little that I was able to salvage from my first catastrophic relationship, I needed to get away from this relationship before it swallowed me too.

Although, after contemplating everything that had happened the night before and how good it felt to talk to someone about my life, I knew it was going to be even harder to let her go.

I ground my teeth, my jaw locking, as I tried to fight the urge to go back on my word. I had told her that I would try, and I owed her that; especially after everything she had put up with from me. I knew it wouldn’t be fair to revert to my old ways, but I was finding it difficult to press forward. Every time I thought about keeping my word to Carrie, genuinely trying to keep it all together, I would feel an empty, sinking feeling in my gut and I wasn’t sure I could go through with it. I wanted to, God I wanted to. I felt that if I could only break this cycle of guilt and distrust, I would be open to a host of different possibilities but as much as I tried, as much as I wanted to let go of the past, it continued to haunt me.

Thoughts of what could happen assaulted my mind.

Talking to Carrie about my past had helped me in one respect, being able to get it off my chest. Having someone who was willing to listen, who didn’t have another bombshell to drop on me, was something I hadn’t experienced before. Every other time I had attempted to relay the story, another piece of information was revealed, that plagued me. At best, I was fighting to keep my freedom, after learning of another bombshell the woman I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with had dropped on my life. So, having the conversation end the way it did, with sex that didn’t end with me getting stabbed at the back, was nice.

However, it had dredged up a lot of feelings. It had reminded me of unpleasant situations that I hadn’t wanted to think about in a very long time.

Flashbacks of being arrested, being drug out of the bar, without having any idea what was going on, was now fresh in my mind. Granted, the enormity of the situation was partially due to shock and partially due to intoxication, but that didn’t change the memory. It was still a pretty shitty thing to have happened and I never wanted to be in a similar situation ever again.

Without Carrie in my life, I could almost guarantee that I was never going to have to deal with anyone ever again, which meant my trust wasn’t going to be tested. I would never have to worry about what she was doing, or what she was planning.

However, without her, I also would likely never be happy.

I had a feeling that if I didn’t try to invest my trust in Carrie, I likely wouldn’t ever trust anyone and therefore, I would never give myself a reason to be happy.

After all, Carrie was right. I hated living out in the cabin all by myself. It was lonely and dark. It drove me crazy at times and I wasn’t sure how much longer I would be able to take it.

However, even with everything I had convincing me that there was something better, something to fight for, for the first time in a while, I still couldn’t bring myself to take that leap.

Before I knew it, I was reverting to my old ways. I hated it, but I also couldn’t stop myself. For my own sense of sanity, I felt that this was what I needed to do.

Hastily, I untangled myself from Carrie’s grasp and as she stirred, I told her, “Come on, Carrie. It’s time to get up. We have to go now if you want to make it back to civilization before dark.”

“Umm…Okay…” Carrie replied, rubbing her eyes, and trying to ward off the sleep that plagued her. She seemed confused, but I wasn’t in the mood to deal with her confusion. I simply wanted to get the hell out of there as quickly as I possibly could.

I had made my decision and I wanted to act on it before I lost my nerve.

“Johnathan, can we maybe talk about this for a minute…Is there something wrong?”

“There’s nothing to talk about. There’s nothing wrong. I just want to get you to the ranger’s station before dark. It’s simple survival.”

Instantly, Carrie’s eyes narrowed, and she seemed upset with what I was telling her.

“Why do I get the feeling that you’re trying to get rid of me?” She asked, getting to her feet as she glared at me.

“Uh, honestly? Because I am,” I replied, knowing that I was being an ass again, but I tried not to care.

“At least you’re being honest…” Carrie answered in a small, sad voice.

Strangely, she didn’t seem angry anymore. She simply seemed sad and disappointed. I would’ve preferred that she was angry.

At least if she was angry, I could defend what I was doing.

“Listen, Carrie, it’s nothing personal,” I insisted, trying to get her to answer me.

“Oh, I know,” she replied as she gathered up her things and turned her back to me. “It never is. It’s all about you and your need to be a stoic loner.

“It has to be this way…” I insisted, following after her, “I’m not trying to hurt you, Carrie…”

“I know. It’s okay,” she replied, without turning around.

Her complacency bothered me. So, I ran up to her and placed my hand lightly on her shoulder. She shrugged it off, “It’s fine.”

“Listen, Carrie, I want you to understand.”

“I do,” she answered quietly, without turning around. “You have done this to me enough already, I should expect it. I know that you’re hurting, and you might even be confused, feeling trapped, I’m not exactly sure what. However, the pattern is evident.”

“Pattern?” I scoffed.

“Yes. We have sex, you enjoy it, then you get into your head and convince yourself that this isn’t right. For whatever reason, you’re opposed to being happy and I know that’s not my fault.”

“You’re right,” I conceded, “Nothing is your fault. You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s just, I’ve been thinking a lot…I’m not trying to be a jerk. I’m really just trying to do what I think is best for us both. I’m trying to protect you. I’m trying to save you.”

“No, you’re trying to save yourself. You have built walls that you think are insurmountable, so you discourage everyone who tries to help you escape those walls…But one day, the barriers that you have built are going to cave inwards and if you are still in the middle, stubbornly catapulting any help away, you’re going to be buried beneath them.”

“How do you know that?” I hissed, angered by the possibility that my situation could get worse. Briefly, selfishly, I wondered if that was the reason that I hadn’t swallowed a bullet yet, but countered my own morbid fears with anger, directed at Carrie. “You think that you’re so smart, because you can pick people apart and tell them exactly what they don’t wan to hear, just so you can get your way?”

“What?” Carrie retorted, “Johnathan, I’m trying to help you. I don’t want you to get hurt. I want you to find some semblance of happiness before you completely shut yourself off from the rest of the world.”

“Did it ever occur to you that maybe I don’t want help? Maybe I was doing just fine before you came into my life?”

At this, she tilted her head, but didn’t respond. Instead, she narrowed her eyes and shrugged her shoulders.

Her lack of bantering bothered me slightly, so I backed off, considering she was right. If I was going to push her away, without feeling absolutely terrible about it for the rest of my life, I needed her to answer me. “I mean, maybe you’re right. There’s a good chance that I have no idea what I’m talking about, but you see, I’m not ready to take that chance.”

She bobbed her head up and down in a nod, though there wasn’t any conviction behind it.

“I wish I was. I wish I could just be happy-go-fucking-lucky like you. I wish I could bounce back from all the shit you’ve been through and preserver…I actually admire that, but I can’t. I’ve tried.”

Again, she nodded and I started to feel as though she wasn’t even listening to me anymore.

“I feel like you don’t understand, or you think that I’m lying to you. Do you at least have some understanding of what I’m trying to tell you?”

Again, she made the agreeing motion, that was devoid of an ounce of principle. It almost seemed that she simply wanted me to stop talking, so she was feigning agreement so that she wouldn’t have to have this conversation anymore.

This made me feel like crap, but instead of trying to fix the issue, I did what I apparently was best at and continued to dig myself into a bigger hole.

“Are you going to speak to me, or just agree with me?” I retorted in an angry tone.

At this, Carrie sighed and raised her eyes to me, turning her head only enough so that she could see me. Speaking softly, she finally gave me her genuine opinion, “Johnathan, there is only so much someone can take before they know that they cannot make someone understand their point of view, or in this case, I can’t make you trust me. I thought that yesterday, we had made strides toward you trusting me. You told me everything and we ended up having a great night. I thought things were going well, but now, to wake up to the same old guilt, and unspoken accusations, I realize that you can’t keep your word. You can’t bring yourself to trust me. of course, I’m upset and disappointed, but I don’t blame you. How could I? Knowing what you’ve been through, your reaction tells me that you aren’t ready and that’s okay. I just hope I helped you a little bit.”

I backed away slightly, as her honesty again cut deep. She wasn’t insulting, but what she said and how she put her response caused me to feel like a total dick.

“I’m sorry,” I answered finally, unable to figure out anything else to say that would assuage her feelings. “I don’t want it this way. I just can’t do this. I can’t help it.”

“Just like you don’t want my pity, or my help, I don’t need yours. If you want to help me get back to the ranger’s station, that would be great, but don’t feel obligated.”

“No, I’m going to help you, that’s not what this is about. I just…”

“You want me out of your life. I get it,” she answered, then started in the opposite direction, leaving me speechless.

“No…” I insisted, though I didn’t go after her. I wanted to catch up to her and I wanted, at least for the moment, to lie and tell her that she was wrong.

I yearned for her to be wrong, but the fact that she wasn’t wrong cut me even deeper.

At that moment, I wished I was stronger. I wished I could put myself out there and be the man she deserved, instead of the jerk she was stuck with.

Deep down, I knew she loved me, though I wasn’t sure why, but that was what made me want to get away from her even quicker.

Now that I had some time to think clearly and I wasn’t presently overwhelmed with the intoxicating effect she seemed to have on me, I was aware of what a big mistake I was making.

This thought process caused me to once again, watch her walk away.