Broken: A Mountain Man's Romance by Mia Ford, Bella Winters (30)

As he spreads the plans out in front of me, and I try to see them for what they can be, my thumping head blurs my vision. I might want to be in the middle of this, I might want to be the man that my father wants me to be, but it doesn’t seem like I am. With every single day that passes, I realize that more and more, but I don’t know what else I can do…

Eventually, thankfully, the meeting comes to an end and I make my way out of my father’s giant office and into my own. When my dad gave me this room it felt like something special, something that made me important, but now I know that it’s just four, meaningless walls. A ceiling, a desk, a computer, all that means nothing.

“Hey there, Boss,” Sandi, the young lady that’s been hired as my personal assistant purrs at me. Her red lips pout out as she forms her words. “How did your meeting go?”

She leans her hands on my desk, giving me a glimpse of her plump, voluptuous breasts. She wants to lure me in to something naughty and taboo. She wants me to start a sordid work place affair with her. In all honesty, once upon a time I definitely would have been up for that. Why wouldn’t I? She’s hot, got a rocking body, lots of fun, perfect for a man like me who doesn’t want to settle down. I know she doesn’t want to either, she’s only in it to help her climb the corporate ladder. That wouldn’t usually make any difference to me.

But now, I don’t want any of it. Now, I just want to be left alone.

“It went okay.” I rub my head hard. “The usual, it’s just given me a terrible headache.”

“Oh yeah? You want me to go and get something for you? I can pop to the drug store?”

“No, don’t worry about it. I’ll get something on the way home.”

“Well, you need to get your head sorted if you’re coming out tonight. It’s the night of the year, isn’t it?” She bangs her hips against my desk and smiles once more. As I glance up at her she winks playfully at me… but I feel nothing. Not even a stirring. She just doesn’t do it for me at all. It’s a shame, I’d like to move on, but I don’t think I can. “You have to be there.”

“Why do I have to be there?” I ask, completely bewildered. “What is it?”

“Oh come on, it’s Franko’s birthday. You know that’s always a crazy night.”

Franko, one of the accountant guys always lets lose on his birthday. He throws a massive party and goes really wild. I know that because I’ve been here forever. I’m usually the one who makes it crazy, but not this year. I don’t want to be a part of any of it. I’m much too tired for any of it. The idea makes me feel a bit queasy.

“How do you know that? You haven’t ever been to one of Franko’s parties,” I chuckle mirthlessly. “But yeah, they are pretty wild. I don’t know if I’ll be there, maybe I’ll try.”

Sandi rolls her eyes at me. “Oh come on, don’t be so boring. It could be a whole lot of fun.” She breaths deeply and lets her eyes go heavy lidded. “You never know what will happen on a night out with work colleagues.” I grab a stack of papers and flick through them at a rapid pace, trying to indicate that the conversation is over, but Sandi doesn’t get the hint. “Would you like to see what I’m going to wear?”

I don’t even answer her. She pulls out her cell phone and scrolls through it until she comes to a picture of a very low cut red sparkly dress. There’s even a slit in the side that will reveal all kinds of thigh. It’s hot, but still not enough to tempt me.

“Very nice. I’m sure you’ll look lovely in it.”

Sandi steps back and she gives me a curious look. “You aren’t anything like your reputation, are you?” Her hands fall onto her hips. “I heard that you were lots of fun… if you know what I mean? Like, I heard that everyone looked to you for an awesome time.”

I sigh loudly and let my head fall into my hands. I don’t want to be having any sort of conversation where I have to think about who I used to be. That version of me is long gone, I don’t know how to get me back. I don’t know if I even want to get that version of me back. I don’t know who I want to be anymore.

“Yeah well, I don’t know what’s happened. All I’m trying to do is to get by in my work…”

“Well that’s boring,” she whines. “I want the fun version of you back.”

“You are my PA,” I reply, maybe a little too firmly. “I just need you to help me get my work done. I don’t want to think about anything outside of the office right now, do you understand?”

I expect her to look hurt by my remarks, but she doesn’t. She simply rolls her eyes again and stalks out of my office to her own desk, her heels clicking nosily the entire way. Once she’s gone I slump back in my chair and I pause thoughtfully. Lola has ruined women for me, and I bet she doesn’t even know it. A few weeks with her and I’m turning down a sure thing with a hot young chick. I bet she isn’t turning down men for me.

But then again, I can’t imagine Lola being a one night stand, flings everywhere kind of girl. If she’s found someone, then he’s probably the one for her. Not just her boyfriend now, but her fiancé. Maybe even her husband. She might even have a round belly by now with a baby inside. Maybe she doesn’t even think of me anymore because I’m nothing more than a distant memory.

I am supposed to be someone awesome and I’ve had that stripped from me. Maybe I shouldn’t be missing Franko’s party because of some woman I met a very long time ago, maybe I need a palate cleanser, someone to have a bit of fun with, and maybe Sandi is the perfect girl for that.

I push myself into a standing position with a determined look on my face. The image of a pregnant Lola with her husband by my side makes my head ache more and my heart hurt. I need to get rid of those feelings, they aren’t helping me at all. I can’t keep succumbing to them over and over again. I need to get back to being me, no matter what it takes.

“You know what.?” I say as I pass Sandi’s desk. “I’m headed home now. I’ll get something for my head from the drug store on the way then I can feel better for tonight.”

“You’re coming to Franko’s party?” Her eagerness almost makes me want to laugh. “Oh my God, that will be amazing. We will have such a great time.”

“Yeah, we will.” My voice is thick with promise. She can take that as she likes. “It’ll be a night we won’t forget.”

Then I leave with positivity filling me. Falling in love didn’t work out for me and I don’t think that being the thing becoming a big business man either. Maybe just being the fun loving party boy is all I’m meant to be. Maybe I’m not supposed to make my dad proud, instead I’m just supposed to spend his money having fun and dulling my emotions. That sounds much better to me anyway. Much better than moping and sitting at home alone, looking at my walls, wondering where it all went so wrong. My life isn’t wrong, I am wrong at the moment. But I can be right again.

Tonight, at Franko’s party, I will be reborn as myself. I cannot wait to see where that will take me.

Chapter 17 – Lola

“Okay, Dad?” I ask him cautiously as I help him sit into the chair. “You feeling okay?”

“Yes,” he lies through his teeth as his butt hits the chair hard. “I think so.”

“The specialist had a lot to say, didn’t she?” I ask desperately. I need him to connect with me, I really need to find out how he’s been feeling. I didn’t take on the third job at the local store to pay for his treatment just to not get anywhere with him. I need to know what he’s feeling now. “She had some good advice. Don’t you think?”

“I suppose so.” His head falls backwards and his eyes roll to the back of his head. “It’s just hard to take it all on board when I’m in so much pain.”

“Well she gave me a new prescription for you.” I scramble around in the bottom of my bag, trying to locate the piece of paper. “She said this would help with the pain. Do you want me to go and get it for you? I can head out to the drug store right now.”

He nods and lolls his head to one side. I think he must need some sleep. These days het gets really tired very quickly. Everything seems to take it out of him. As I push myself upwards until I’m standing, I glance down at him with nothing but sympathy in my eyes. He doesn’t deserve this, any of it. It isn’t fair. Over the last year everything has slid rapidly downhill and it makes me sick to think about. I feel like I’m losing my father, the only person I really have in my life, and I hate it. It sucks, it kills me.

As I push my way out into the cold air, I suck in a deep breath of air, trying to clear my lungs. My entire focus for the last twelve months has been my dad and I hate the fact that it doesn’t seem to even lead me anywhere. I just want an answer.

I also can’t believe that I’m here… in the city… the one place in the world I never planned to go. If only the specialist had been anywhere else in the world.

“Hey there, miss,” a gentleman outside a bar cat calls to me in a leering tone of voice. “Fancy coming in for a drink?”

A tight knot of stress coils around in my belly at his words. He makes me feel ill. I know I should just walk by and ignore him, but for some reason I can’t. All the pent up aggression that I’ve been feeling ever since I came to this damn place bursts out of me in an explosion. “Is that what you do? You stand outside a bar and try to lure people in?” I spin to stare at him to really drive my point home with a glare. “Is that working for you? Obviously not because you’re still here. Or maybe you’re like every other man and you just scarper when things get even a little real.”

Shit, I think I might be talking about something completely different now. I don’t want to let any of my real stuff out. I shake my head and I spin just as quickly to stalk away.

“What the hell?” he shouts as I stalk off. “You bitch!”

Urgh, what am I doing here? What the hell have I come to this place for? I’ve managed to avoid the city for most of my life, I don’t see how I’ve managed to end up here now. If it was for anyone else in the world, anyone but my dad, I just wouldn’t be here. Not when I know there’s a minute chance that I might see him.

I’ve spent the last year not thinking about Brandon Heath-Smith at all. Every time he’s cropped up into my mind I’ve done something different to distract myself, but now that I’m here in the same place as him, it isn’t as easy. Knowing my damn luck, I’ll bump into him and a number of floozies just to rub salt in the wound that I’m still living my boring old life in the town, and he’s living it up here. A reminder that he left me because I’m so dull.

I just need to get my ass to the drug store, then back to the motel. That’s it.

Once I’ve locked the world out, it’ll be so much easier. Then I can forget all about Brandon, the city, and all of the past that I don’t want to think about anymore. I can focus just on Dad, the one person who really needs me. All the other stuff is meaningless.

I breathe out a sigh of relief as I finally see the store I need and I push the door open to step inside. The warmth brushes past my cheeks and stains them a funny shade of red. There are a few other people in the store and just because I really don’t want to end up in anymore awkward conversations with anyone I fix my eyes on the ground and I step forwards.

There’s a queue at the counter, so I take my position at the back and I wait. As I do I tap my feet on the ground impatiently. I’m like a coiled up spring ready to explode.

Ring, ring… Ring, ring…

“Oh my God!” I mutter to myself in shock as my cell phone blasts out. My heart pounds angrily as I’m shaken from my spiraling thoughts. I don’t even take a moment to stare at my screen because the noise is so loud. I just hit the answer button. “Hello?”

“Oh hi, it’s Doreen.” I blow out some relieved air as I realize it’s my only friend. My only real friend in the world, the older lady who works at the bar where I can barely play anymore because I work so much. “I just wanted to check in to see how you’re doing.”

She might not be the ideal person who I want to be my friend, but she’s the only one who cares enough about me to check in. A warm, fuzzy feeling fills my chest.

“Hey, Doreen. Yeah, all good thanks. We went to see the specialist today and I think she had some great things to say to help out Dad.”

“Hmm, and how does he feel about it all?” She knows him too well. “Let me guess, he barely listened to any of it. Now he’s sleeping it off somewhere.”

“Are you here?” I ask in a teasing tone. “Because that’s exactly what happened. Now I’m at the drug store picking up some pain pills for him. Hopefully that’ll help him with his pain.”

“Oh girl, you go through so much. I wish there was more I could do to help you.”

I cradle the phone closer to my ear and listen to her caring voice. “Oh thank you, Doreen, I wish that you were here too. You’re so awesome.”

“You’re the one who’s awesome, sweetie. You’re the one who goes through so much.”

“I don’t know about that. I just do what I can.” I edge ever closer to the counter. “I just want Dad to be okay.” I get a little choked up. “I don’t want to lose him like I lost Mom.”

Oh God, this is too much. I don’t want to end up an emotional wreck in the middle of the drug store. Why did I bring up Mom? That was such a mistake. Now I can feel the tears building up, desperately wanting to fall. Shit, I’m a damn mess.

“Anyway, I better go,” I tell Doreen thickly. “I’ll give you a call a bit later, okay?”

“Well just know that we’re all here thinking of you, wishing you and your dad well.”

That’s the one thing I love about living in a small town, not that it’s so small anymore but I don’t want to worry about that because it leads to dreaded thoughts of him, but people really care. I might be lonelier than I’ve ever been, I might feel like I don’t really have anyone, but I do. It’s just me who keeps myself distant.

“Thank you, Doreen. I appreciate your support. Speak soon.”

As I hang up the phone I bite down on my bottom lip to keep the emotion locked away. I keep throwing myself into work to try and distract myself from him, but it’s also meant I’ve locked myself away from everyone else. I’ve been so concerned, not letting another man in so he can’t hurt me again, that I’ve let no one in. No one.

Urgh, the fact that I’ve made my own life difficult is horrible.

“Can I help you, miss?” the pharmacist asks me, grabbing my attention.

“Oh, sorry.” I glance up to see his warm brown eyes drawing me in. He smiles at me, and his friendly nature allows my shoulders to relax just a little bit. “Yes please. I have a prescription here.” I grab it out of my bag and hand it to him. “It’s for my father.”

“Right of course, I will sort that for you.”

I tap my fingers against the counter as I wait for him to sort it out for a moment. I feel sickly impatient while I wait for him. It’s only been a few seconds, but I’m so desperate to get away from everyone else that it feels like forever.

I tie myself up tightly, my fingers coil around the edge of the counter, a sickness swirls inside of my stomach. I don’t know why, but I have the intense sensation that something is really wrong. Maybe it’ll be the pills, maybe the specialist won’t have written out the script right, or maybe it’s just a bolt of anxiety that hasn’t really come from anywhere. It’s bolting through me, consuming me, sending fizzing electricity all over me… but not the pleasant kind. It’s very uncomfortable.

Damn this stupid city. I need to get out of here. It’s messing with my mind.

“Here it is.” Eventually he turns around and he hands me a package. “And here’s the paper work to sign for it.”

“Right thank you.”

I scribble my name down and take the bag from him, trying to shake off the horrible sensation inside my chest. I have the drugs now, I can help my dad, I don’t know why I’m still feeling off. Maybe I need to grab myself some pills while I’m in here, something to get rid of my headache or to calm me down. I don’t know what, but I might as well try and help myself while I’m here.

“Thank you for that.”

I turn on my heels and head towards the shelves, I feel guilty for thinking about myself. And not just with the headache pills, but with all of it. I need to stop worrying about a ghost from my past, there’s so many people here that I’m not going to see him, there’s no chance at all. I can’t get myself all worried about him when he doesn’t exist anymore. Not to me. Just because he had a profound effect on my life, doesn’t mean I have to lose myself along the way.

I force a smile up onto my lips as I move through the aisles, just trying to make myself be happy. I want to fake it until I make it. For my dad’s sake. I can do it for him.

But then it falls away when I sense a prickle on the back of my neck, a sensation that someone is staring at me, intently like they know me. It can’t be, I know it can’t, there’s just no way… but it kinda feels like it might be. I need to spin around, just in case, just to rule out the possibility.

Chapter 18 – Brandon

Oh my God. I shake my head and blink a few times, trying to correct my vision. It can’t be. It just can’t.

But it is. The thing is I know it is. I can just sense it right down to my bones. When I first came home to the city, I thought I saw her here, but that long vanished when I realized that I was just being stupid. She wouldn’t come here, there’s just no way. Not when she hates me. But now, a year later when I’ve just decided to move on with my life, here she is again.

“L… Lola?” I stammer awkwardly, feeling all weird inside. “Is that you?”

She looks the same. Exactly the same with her flame red hair, and her bright blue eyes, but she looks like a different person as well. She hasn’t got her sweet little cowgirl outfit on, or anything similar. She has a plain white tee shirt and dark denim skinny jeans on. She looks quite a lot like every other girl in the city. The spark isn’t there as much within her anymore.

“Brandon?” She looks resigned as she says this. “What are you doing here?”

“Me?” I take a tentative step closer to her. “I live here. What are you doing here?”

Her expression hardens. I can almost see the shitty way that I left her spinning through her mind. I want to reach out to her, to touch her, to try and connect with her again, but I know it’s the wrong thing to do. I know she’ll snatch her arm away as if she’s been burned and the way that my fragile heart is hammering, I don’t think I can take it.

“I’m here for my father,” she says quietly. “He needs to see a specialist.”

I part my lips, wondering if I should offer to pay again, almost as an automatic reaction, but I quickly stop myself at the last moment. We aren’t in that place anymore… to be honest I don’t know if we were in that place ever. I think I overstepped even then.

“Oh right, I see. That’s… I’m sorry to hear that. I hope he’s doing okay.”

“He will be, I hope. I guess we’ll just have to see.”

I nod a few times, wondering what I should say next. This is the second chance that I’ve always wanted, that I never knew I would ever get. I could explain now, I could tell her that I made a mistake when I left her behind, when I decided to pick my career over my love life, but hearing it in my mind with her standing in front of me, they just sound like pathetic excuses. There are so many ways I could have apologized for that, so many times I could have made it okay, but I didn’t. I’m a pitiful human being.

“Did you want to…” I start, about to break the ice and just offer for her to come out for a drink with me. I hope that when we loosen the tension around us, we might actually be about to make things okay, but I don’t get to finish my sentence.

“Oh, Brandon!” Franko’s voice rings out as he crackles loudly and grabs my shoulder. He might be fun, but it seems that he’s rubbish at reading the room. “You are coming out for my birthday, right? That little hot thing that works for you, Sandi with the big boobs.” I slide my eyes closed in dismay at his horrible way of describing my personal assistant… in front of Lola too. Now she’ll think I’m a sexist pig. Probably me too. “Well she told me that you were hesitant at first, but now you’re all for it.”

“Oh well…” I don’t know anymore, things have changed now. I shrug, but Franko doesn’t seem to sense my hesitancy.

“Good, because it isn’t a night without you. You’re always the wild one who makes things get crazy. Oh and between you and me, Sandi is seriously hot for you.” Oh God, this man needs a punch just to shut him up. “Actually that isn’t between you and me, she’s been telling everyone for weeks how she wants to ride you. I think that you’re in for another hot affair.”

He pats me again then walks off, calling out how he’ll see me later as he goes. He blows in like a hurricane, then swishes out again leaving a God damn trail of destruction behind him. I don’t even need to look at Lola again to know that she’s disgusted in me. She never got to know the playboy version of me. The man that she spent time with was someone better.

“Well, it sounds like you have a fun night ahead of you,” she says coldly, not even meeting my eyes as she does. “I better not interrupt.”

“No, wait.” She takes a step away from me but I reach out to grab her arm to stop her. “Please, Lola. You can’t just go. You can’t just breeze into my life and leave again without giving me a chance to explain.”

“I’m not here for you,” she snaps angrily. “I came here for my father. If I wanted to see you, I would have contacted you, wouldn’t I? But I didn’t. I wouldn’t want to speak to someone who thinks it’s okay to just vanish without even saying goodbye.”

That causes my hand to fall away from her because I know that she’s right. I did leave her. I did run away like a coward without even explaining. I should be punished for that. She should hate me. I wish I could be better for her but I can’t. I can’t be what she wants.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper back to her “I know I don’t deserve it, but please just give me a chance to explain. I want to tell you why…”

“You’ve had a whole year to tell me why.” She holds up a bag of pills to me. “Now I need to get back to my dad because he needs me, or did you forget all about my complicated life when you left to come back to a life of partying and screwing poor innocent girls who work for you. Real classy of you by the way.”

“That’s not me. That’s just what Franko said…”

“So you’ve never done that?” She throws her hands onto her hips angrily, knowing that she has me pinned into a corner. I have acted that way before, I have been that person. But I’m not anymore. How can I make her understand that? “Just what I thought…”

Ring, ring… Ring, ring…

I grab my cell phone out of my pocket, trying to end the call rapidly before it fully interrupts my conversation with Lola, but not before she catches the name on the screen.

“Sandi. So it wasn’t just Franko then?”

“She’s my personal assistant. She calls me all the time.”

But as I think about the way that I left things, with a promise that maybe something that might happen between us, which I said with my eyes if not my words, and the words fall apart guiltily on my lips. It isn’t what she thinks, but at the same time I’m not totally innocent either.

“Right, well I have everything that I need now so I don’t need to be in this store anymore. I can’t stick around with you having this pointless conversation. We haven’t seen one another in a year, so why we’re arguing I don’t know.” She pushes past me and makes her way towards the door. As she goes I can feel her, and my second chance, slipping away, but for some reason my feet are frozen to the spot. I can’t seem to make my body move however hard I try. “I would say that it’s been good seeing you, Brandon, but just like last time it hasn’t.”

As she opens the door and lets a cold blast of air inside, I shiver. But I don’t think that it’s a chill from the weather, I think it’s the horror of her words. She thinks our time together was horrible, judging by the look in her eyes, she doesn’t remember anything good about it. How can I ask her if she’s seen the lake now when she looks so distraught by me?

Damn it, it wasn’t ever supposed to be like this.

When me and Lola started seeing one another, that’s all it was. Some time to have some fun together. A short term fling that neither of us would read too much into. She needed some fun and I needed a distraction to get through my time in her town. It wasn’t supposed to be something that left us both scarred. We got in too deep and it left things messy and awkward. Even though we don’t live near each other for it to affect us all the time, it seems that we’re still both incredibly affected by it.

As I turn back to pay for the headache pills that I have in my hand, I almost trip up over something left on the ground. It glints in the light so I bend down to pick it up. It’s a key, and judging by the key ring attached to it, it belongs to a motel not too far away from here. It must be the place that Lola and her father are staying in.

My heart races in my chest, anxiety courses through my veins. I realize now that I have another option. I could answer my cell phone that’s ringing again in my pocket, undoutably Sandi who’ll want to confirm that I’m still going out tonight because clearly she’s more than keen to hook up, I could hand the keys in to the pharmacist here and cut all ties with Lola forever. I could accept that it’s too difficult which means we definitely aren’t meant to be…

Or I could give it a go. I could chase after her and really apologize.

My heart hammers violently, my mouth runs completely dry, and my brain races. My thoughts dart back and forth, from decision to decision. I know what I want to do, I always thought if I was given a second chance I would take it, but now that it’s here I don’t know if it’s a good plan. I don’t know if it’s sensible to try and push thing that seems desperately done. Maybe what I should do is just let it go. Maybe this moment is only supposed to be closure.

“That’s a dollar,” the man says grumpily to me. “For the pills.”

“Oh right.” I almost forgot where I was while I suffer through my personal dilemma. “Yes, of course.” I hand him the cash with a strange look on my face. “Thank you.”

“Are you okay? Do you need some help?”

I shake my head. I can almost feel the color draining from my cheeks. I feel sick, but I’m not. I’m just confused. “I don’t know. I don’t think so. I just… I’m sorry I have to go. Thank you.”

I turn on my heels and stomp off rapidly with the keys still clutched between my fingers. Screw closure. It’s only closure if I decide it’s closure and I damn well don’t. Lola burst into my life and she changed me, she’s turned me into someone different and I want to be that man. I don’t want to be the idiotic party boy anymore, that just isn’t me. Maybe it’ll turn out that me and Lola aren’t meant to be but I need to give it a shot. I can’t spend another day wondering what if? I need my answers and I need them now.

I’m coming for you, Lola. I need to speak to you and this time I’m really hoping that you’ll listen to me.

Chapter 19 – Lola

I stomp with rage down the street, hating the world as I make my way back to the motel. I shouldn’t have come out, I don’t know why I thought it would be a good idea. I also don’t know how I thought I’d escape seeing him in this whole city. It doesn’t matter how many people are here, we’re pulled to one another like magnets. Even if we want to repel each other, we can’t.

Well, at least I know now that it’s a good thing me and Brandon didn’t work out. He did me a favor by sneaking off in the middle of the night without saying goodbye. Maybe my heart was shattered in the process, but it saved me trying to do the long distance thing. I never could’ve made that work with a man who sleeps about. I never could have trusted him.

Asshole, I think as a burning redness clouds my vision. What an asshole!

Hate burns in my chest, it aches and agonizes. I hate him with every single bit of me. I hate him so much it makes me want to cry. I can feel myself shaking violently as I move. I need to get out of here, I need to get this treatment done for Dad and leave as quickly as I possibly can.

Once the flickering, half broken lights of the motel come into view, I pause for a moment to calm myself down. I suck in a couple of deep breaths and I try to slow my heart rate. I can’t let my father see me this way, all tied up in stressed knots. It’ll hurt him and he’s going through enough. I’m reminded once more that this trip isn’t about me. I don’t need to think about any of this. I just need to push Brandon to the back of my mind, where he’s been for the last few months.

I clutch the bag tighter between my fingers and I take the last few steps, closing the gap between me and the front door. Then I reach into my pocket to grab out the keys to the room…

“Oh shit,” I mutter to myself as I desperately grab around only to grab nothing. “Oh my God. Where are they? What the hell?”

I clap my hand to my forehead as I realize that somewhere along the way I must have dropped them. The thought of making the journey all the way back to the pharmacist where he was makes me feel sick. Of course he probably isn’t there anymore, he’s probably at the party getting a blow job from his beautiful, young assistant. Still, I don’t want to be anywhere he is. Or was. Or might be.

I knock on the door a few times, and press my ear up against the door to listen for movement inside. There’s nothing, my dad must still be asleep. Of course he is, and he’s a heavy sleeper too which leaves me pretty much screwed.

Before I start on the long, and quite frankly humiliating, journey back to the drug store, I decide to try the reception desk. They must have a spare key which I can use for now, then I can go and search for the keys later on or in the morning, when I’m more certain that he’ll be gone.

It’s dark and dingy when I get inside the reception area, and the girl behind the desk doesn’t even bother to look up when she spots me, but I don’t let that derail me.

“Erm, excuse me?” I ask quietly. Still she ignores me. “Excuse me, miss?”

With an angry sounding sigh she drags her eyes away from the magazine she’s reading and she stares at me. She blows a bubble with her gum and pops it loudly. It’s things like this that remind me that while I’ve earned some money to help my dad, I haven’t earned much. Not enough to afford us somewhere nice to stay.

“What can I do for you?” she snaps sarcastically.

“I have erm.” I have a feeling that saying I lost the key won’t work out well. “I’ve locked myself out of my room. My dad’s in there but he’s asleep.”

She rolls her eyes and pops her gum again. “Whatever, what room are you in?”

“Two five eight.”

She opens a box and takes out a key before giving it to me. “If both keys don’t come back, you’ll be charged for it. I’m making a note now.”

Right, so I am going to have to get the other key back somehow. I suppose if I actually want to retrieve it then I’ll have to go now. If I dropped it on the street while stomping in a temper, then I need to get it back before anyone else picks it up. Plus, I suppose anyone could get it, then me and dad would be in danger all night long. Well, all the tie we’re in the room.

It might make me feel exhausted, but I still have to do it.

I get back to the room and unlock the door. Dad is still there, asleep in the chair as if he hasn’t even noticed me gone. I smile to myself, glad that at least he’s okay now, and put the bag down in front of him. Then, just before I leave I take the seat opposite him. I watch him breathing in and out for a while, just wishing that I could take away his pain. If I had more money, if I’d made something of my life, then maybe I would be able to.

Right, I need to go, I think as I stand back up again. My legs protest wearily, but I force them to keep on moving. The last thing I can afford right now is a fee for a room key. All of this is crushing me as it is. Get the key, then come back and shut the world out.

All I want to do is lock away the world, that’s how I’ve been feeling ever since I got here, but things keep preventing me from doing so.

“Oh.” As soon as I get outside, the urge to run back in to slam the door closed intensifies. This is one thing in the world I want to avoid, but it’s here, right outside my door. “Brandon. What are you doing here?”

“I…” He holds out the key to me, making my heart sink and rise all at the same time. “I found your key at the drug store and I thought you might need it back.”

“Right, thank you.” That’s sweet, he came all the way here to give me the key. But I don’t want him to be sweet when actually he’s been cruel. “Erm, yeah thanks. That saves me from going out to find it.”

I should go inside now, I know that, but I don’t. Something’s keeping me fixed in one place, looking at him. Waiting for him to say something.

“Right, good. And…” He pauses thoughtfully for a moment. “I guess I just want to say I’m sorry for the crappy way things went. Before and now. I never should have left. Not in the way that I did.”

“No, you shouldn’t.” My tone is firm and cold. “But it doesn’t matter, does it? We were never supposed to be anything. Nothing but a fling.”

The thought that was once so exciting to me, the idea of an anonymous fling, now feels dirty and sick. I never really wanted it to be that way between me and him, I think I figured that much out from the beginning. I didn’t ever want to be just another notch on his bed post. But that’s what I am. That’s what I became anyway.

He steps closer to me with a softened expression and I straighten my back so he can’t see me softening inside. I don’t want to be weak, I don’t want him to get the better of me, but I can feel it happening all the same.

“I think we both know it wasn’t just a fling, don’t we? I think we both know it quickly became something more.” I don’t know what to say to that. I can hardly breathe under the pressure of him standing so close to me. “I know it got messed up at the end, but it wasn’t always that, was it? We had fun, didn’t we?”

I shake my head, trying to get rid of all the good thoughts. I have a horrible feeling that he’s just trying to win me around now so he can get me back into bed while we’re here. I’m probably some sort of challenge, or something. He’ll spend an hour or so with me, then get to his party and his PA like some horrible rich man cliché.

“I guess so, but that’s a long time ago now. Lots has happened since then.” I mean, not to me but he doesn’t need to know that. “So, it hardly matters, does it?”

“I think it does.” I want to stop the stream of words from coming out of his mouth, but I don’t know how. I stuff my hands into my pockets and barely listen to him talk instead. “I think it matters a lot. That’s why I did the lake.”

The lake… he’s talking about the lake.

“I… didn’t see it,” I lie. “I didn’t see the lake at all.” He gives me a look which suggests he can see right through me so I relent. I don’t like lying about the place that’s very important to me. “Okay, so I did see it once. Or twice, but it isn’t the easiest place in the world for me to go. All the memories of Mom and… you know.”

I glance downwards because I don’t want him to see me getting all choked up. I hate that I’m so emotional, I really don’t want him to see me this way.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I don’t know how much I thought it through really, I just wanted to do something nice for you. I didn’t think of the possible after effects.”

“What, while you did something shitty?” I can’t help it, I need to remind him of what he did. “While you ran away?”

“Yeah, that wasn’t supposed to happen, not when I started.”

We stand in silence for a few moments. All the time I try to work out what I should say next. I don’t want him here, I have nothing that I want to say to him anymore, but at the same time I don’t know if I’m ready for him to go yet either. It’s a tug of war inside of me that I don’t know how to deal with.

Then I hear a stirring inside the bedroom, which draws my attention back to my father. He’s waking up now, and he’ll probably need my help.

“Right, well I suppose I better go,” I say regretfully while taking a step backwards. “My dad needs me so I need to get back to him. I guess,” I give him a shrug. “I guess it’s been good seeing you.”

“Yes it has. Do you want to…” I can tell he’s about to ask me to see him again which causes me to panic again. I don’t know if I can heck be going through all of this again, especially when it isn’t going anywhere.

But he doesn’t manage to finish his sentence, which is a blessing, but it’s one in disguise because he’s stopped by my dad swinging the motel room door open to find out what me and Brandon are up to.

“Oh…” Dad cocks his head curiously. “Lola, I thought I heard you out here. Is everything okay?”

Is everything okay? What a loaded question. It leaves me speechless, and also a little breathless. I don’t know what to say.

Chapter 20 – Brandon

Lola looks like her father catching us out here has her speechless. She doesn’t know what to say which is only another thing for me to feel guilty about. It doesn’t seem to matter what I do, I just keep making a horrible mess of things. I’m supposed to be making things right with Lola, not causing her ever more issues. Somehow, I need to be the one to make this okay, or this tension will go on forever more.

“Mr. Boots,” I say while I take a step forward. I extend my hand for him to shake it. I tremble a little with nerves as I move nearer to him, but only because I’m scared that he’ll hate me. “I don’t know if you remember me, but we have met before. Last year, when you were in the hospital. I was in town as part of a property development project.”

“Oh yes, I remember.”

He grabs my hand and smiles at me. As I stare into his face I realize just how much sicker he looks than when I saw him last. He looks like he’s really struggling which is awful. I feel terrible. Lola has been through so much and I’ve made her feel worse by dumping all my stuff on her. Not only did I leave her in the middle of this last year, but now I’ve shown back up, even if it was an accident, and I’ve confused her all over again.

“Did you want to come in?” Lola’s dad asks as he steps to one side. “It would be nice to catch up. It’s been a very long time since we saw one another, and of course I wasn’t my best then. All hooked up to machines and high on medication. It’d be nice to have a chat.”

I don’t know if it’s wise to go inside, but when he waits for me and indicates towards the chairs near the window, I feel like I should do so. There isn’t any reasonable excuse I can give that doesn’t make me look like I’m a horrible person. I don’t look at Lola as I obviously betray every single one of her wishes by going in, but I can feel her gaze upon me the whole time. She wants me gone, for which I don’t blame her. But I don’t want to go, not yet. I want to stay to speak with her at some point, to continue saying sorry. Sure I have a party to go to, a night of fun and a girl with a lot of willing to do whatever the hell I want, but I don’t want any of those things. I want to be here, I want to try and make things right. Sandi, Franko, and the others all pale into insignificance. They don’t matter as much as Lola and they never have.

Lola follows behind me as I make my way into the bedroom, I can hear her footsteps. I’m also pretty sure that I can feel her fury burning into the back of my brain, but I don’t look. I don’t want to meet her eyes until she’s calmed down a little. I’m too much of a coward.

“Do you want a drink?” she asks her dad, and I presume me at the same time. Or I hope so because I’m desperate for something to sooth my throat. “We have coffee, it isn’t good stuff, but it’ll do. And I’ll get you a water too, Dad. You need to take your pills.”

We both nod and she moves over to the tiny kettle in the corner of the room. Her eyes fix on the kettle as it boils, almost as if she doesn’t want to see us for a few moments. She needs a break from this shock, intoxicating situation. Not like me, I’m all in. I’ve dived into this head first. Now that I’m embracing this second chance, I’m all for it. Even if all she wants to do is yell at me for now, I’ll take it. Any communication with Lola is better than nothing… I just wish I realized that before. We could’ve saved so much time.

“She worries too much,” her dad tells me with an eye roll. But he grabs his bag of pills and takes out what he needs, proving that her care is needed. “She spends so much time panicking about me that she doesn’t ever worry about herself. The roles are totally reversed with us two. It’s like she’s the parent and I’m the child… it’s always been that way since I got sick. Maybe even since she lost her mother.”

“Oh yeah?” I drag my eyes away from Lola. “She’s a caring person, isn’t she? I learnt that when I spent time with her before.” I don’t know what Lola said about us, so I don’t want to overstep anything. I just need to keep vague for now until I work it out. “You know, when we were friends.”

“Friends, huh?” He narrows his eyes at me as if he’s trying to work out why I’m lying. I flicker my eyes down under the intensity of his gaze. “I thought you were more than that.”

“Is that what she said?” I need to know before I say anything at all. “Lola, I mean?”

“Oh no, she hasn’t ever really said anything. But I could just tell.” He leans in to speak only to me. “You know, when you were around, Lola was much happier, she was like a different person all full of life and excitable… it was lovely to see. But then you left and she was sad, like really sad. She threw herself into her work and that’s how she’s been ever since. She says it’s to afford my treatment, but I don’t think it’s just that. I think she’s just been trying to forget. Maybe I shouldn’t be telling you this, but if I don’t say it now I don’t know when I’ll see you again.”

I sit back further in my seat as I try to process his words. It seems that we’ve both been miserable since things fell apart. I don’t want Lola to be unhappy, but it means something to me that she’s been affected by us too. It means that maybe there’s still a chance for us, maybe, somewhere deep down. The thought that she’s pregnant and married is long gone at any rate which is good. I didn’t like that image at all, it hurt me deeply. So deep that all I wanted to do was forget. Well, I don’t want to forget anymore.

“Oh right, well it was a shame,” I say coyly. “I didn’t want things to end in the way that they did either. I wish I could go back and change things…”

Unfortunately, we have to stop then because Lola comes back over to us with the drinks clutched between her fingers. Judging by her glowering expression she heard some of the chat, which is just another thing to feel guilty about. It seems that the things I’ve done wrong to her just keep piling up and up. How can I make it up to her when I keep doing more wrong?

“Thanks for the drink,” I say quietly, hoping to break the ice, but she doesn’t immediately answer me, causing her dad to jump in.

“Yes, sweetie, that’s very kind of you.”

We all take a sip of our drinks, the silence clings thickly to the air. My brain spins at a million miles an hour, I try to work out what I need to say to make all of this okay, but it isn’t easy. With Lola, everything I say is wrong and makes her madder, and I don’t want to upset her dad either. I just wish I had a time machine and I could make it all okay again that way.

“So, you two knew each other last year?” Okay, so it’s not up to me. That’s good… I think. Her dad’s eyes flick between us both as he speaks. “That’s wild. Did you decide to meet again this year?”

“No,” Lola interjects quickly. “No we didn’t. We just bumped into one another.”

“Oh, like fate.” He claps his hand together and grins, far too brightly for someone who knows the truth. Obviously, Lola didn’t say that I left without saying goodbye. She kept that part inside, probably because she’s embarrassed. I hate that it’s me who’s made her feel that way. I’m an asshole. “That’s nice.”

“Erm, yeah, or a joint need to go to the drug store,” I reply with a mirthless laugh. “I don’t know if that counts as fate.”

“Does it matter where fate gets in the way? It does what it does.”

“Okay, Dad, I think it might be time for you to get into bed,” Lola says warningly. “I don’t want you to get tired. You’ve just taken your pills so you know they’ll knock you out in a moment.”

“Oh no, I’m not ready to stop talking to Brandon yet. You don’t mind if I fall asleep now, do you?”

“Erm. No I don’t mind. I’m enjoying talking to you.” But Lola’s gaze scares the shit out of me, so I quickly retract my words to stick up for her instead. “But if Lola thinks it’s best then maybe we should…”

“I know what’s best for me.” I’m not getting through to him however hard I try. “And for now I’m just fine thank you very much. Brandon, please tell me more about this property business you’re in.”

“Oh well, the projects I run are the small town ones. The ones that change areas into something more progressive.”

“And you love it? It’s your passion?” I don’t answer him, which seemingly gives him everything he needs to know. “Are the towns you help out happy to be more progressive?”

“I don’t know. “I shrug a bit helplessly. “I used to think that they would be afterwards, if not before, but now I don’t know. Are you happy with the changes?”

“Oh I don’t know. I don’t get out enough to notice the difference to be honest. I’m sure the businesses are pleased now they’ll be making more money, and it gives you more hours, doesn’t it, Lola?”

“Mhmm.” The sound is tight and stressed. “It sure does.”

After that small non comment, she mostly keeps out of the conversation and I spend the time getting to know her father instead. He’s a very nice man who seemingly was very busy until this horrible illness started to take his body away from him. Not that it’s helped much now, but I’m glad I could contribute something to his care. He doesn’t deserve this. I want to do more, but I don’t know how I can ensure Lola will let me.

Eventually I can see what Lola meant about the pills. They strip all energy from him and have his head rolling. I suggest he gets into bed a couple of times, but he doesn’t seem to hear me. And then he’s asleep.

“This is what I was worried about,” Lola says tensely. “I hate it when he drifts off like this because it’s uncomfortable for him and it leaves him stiff and in pain in the morning. He knows I’m not strong enough to carry him as well. It leaves me in such a tricky position.”

“I’ll help you,” I offer right away. “I’ll get him into bed.”

Without even giving Lola the chance to panic, I scoop my arms underneath him and lift him up. He’s heavy because he’s pretty much passed out but I don’t let that show. I don’t want to do anything to make Lola panic.

“Oh my goodness, thank you,” she gushes. “That’s so nice of you.” As I lay him down across the sheets she bursts into some giggles. “Wow, I bet you didn’t expect to spend your night like this.”

“True,” I nod and agree. “But it’s better than what I had planned.”

Chapter 21 – Lola

His words touch me more than they should. The fact that he’s blown off a party and a girl who’s desperate to sleep with him to hang out with me and my ailing father. I don’t actually know what to say in response to that so I let my lips slide closed. Once Dad is on the bed I take a few moments to tuck him in and to make sure he’s comfortable, which gives me a good distraction for a few moments.

“Do you want me to go?” Brandon asks as soon as I’m ready to speak. “I don’t want to overstay my welcome now that your dad is sleeping.”

“You overstayed it already,” I reply, but there’s a teasing to my tone. He has, I didn’t want him to come in at all, but now that he’s here I’m not sure I want him to leave just yet. There’s still so much that’s been left unsaid and now that all the yelling is done I think I might just want to make sure that it’s said. I don’t know if I’ll be able to settle otherwise. “But it’s fine. I can make us another rancid coffee if you like.”

“Sure, rancid coffee, that would be lovely.” He takes his chair to wait for me. “Thanks.”

I pad across the room quietly enough to not wake Dad, which is silly really because he sleeps like a log once he’s out, and I flick the kettle on to bring it back to life. While I do I consider just how crazy this really is. I know I thought it was just my dumb luck to bump into the one person that I didn’t want to see in the whole city, but now it seems insane. Of all the people here, or all the drug stores to walk into, it’s nuts! I’m not going to start believing in fate like my overly romantic father, but it seems like something must be at play here.

Maybe that magnetism that I noticed at the beginning. It could be that, I suppose. Maybe we’re drawn to one another in a way that’s out of our control. That would just be damn typical of my life. The one person I need to avoid is the one person I can’t seem to get away from. Is this how it’s going to be forever? Just no escape however hard I try?

“The make is nice, by the way,” I rasp as I stare at the off color white wall. “I don’t think I’ve said that before, but it is. It looks like somewhere my mom would love.”

“Oh well, I’m glad.” He sounds a bit nervous as he answers me. Have I made him feel that way? “I just thought it was something that needed doing.”

I nod and bring his drink to him. Then I take the chair opposite and I stare intently at him. It’s strange to be back here, sitting in a room and drinking coffee with him as if it’s normal, as if the last year hasn’t happened at all. It makes me want to take a step back and to examine this for a moment before I delve right in.

“So, this is weird, isn’t it?” He addresses it before I have the chance to. “Who would have thought it? I bet not you. I bet you never wanted to see me again.”

“No, not really.” I might as well be honest. “After the way that you left.”

“Yeah. That was shit of me. Really immature. I’m sorry about it.”

“So why did you do it?” I don’t know if the answer’s what I want, but it’s too late. The question is out there now. My mouth asked it without my brain’s permission. I just hope it knows what’s best for me. “Why did you go?”

He glances down at the steaming cup of liquid in his hands. His whole expression closes off and I think for a moment that he’s going to just blow it off and give me nothing. Maybe it’ll be better that way, maybe the truth won’t set me free after all.

“I chose wrong,” he finally says, stunning me to my core. “I felt like I needed to choose between being with you and my career and I chose wrong. Well, if I’m honest with you it didn’t really feel like a choice at all. Me and you were supposed to only be a fling, we never discussed anything further…”

“I tried to,” I interject. “But you’d already shut off from me by then.”

“I know, I was wrong. I had my dad breathing down my neck telling me that I needed to be better and I suppose it was a pressure that I caved to. It doesn’t justify me leaving in the way that I did, but I hope I can make you see that it was never your fault.”

I gulp down the thick ball of emotion that lodges itself in my throat. It’s too much to deal with right now, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to think. It’s all a bit too much, it’s utterly overwhelming, I can barely process his words. Maybe it’s not because I’m too small town or boring, maybe he didn’t see himself as so much better than me. It might be a cliché, but maybe it was him not me. All this time I’ve been blaming myself and now I don’t think that was right. It was just him, the pressure, and his immaturity.

“Oh right,” I eventually reply. “I see.”

Brandon chuckles as he sees me struggling for words, it must be written all across my face. “I don’t expect you to forgive me, or anything, I guess I’ve just wanted you to know that for the last year. I’ve been thinking about you ever since I left, and wondering what you’d say if I tried to contact you…”

“You never tried though. I know that much.”

“No, I never did. And I’m sorry about that. Sitting here across from you now, it’s easy to think about all the times I should have picked up the phone, but I didn’t, and I regret that greatly. Maybe we could have salvaged something if I had.”

Oh God, I can’t think about salvaging anything. The idea makes me too sickly for words. I’m pretty sure that far too much has happened now, I don’t think we could go back even if we wanted to. I suppose if I really think about it I can feel the chemistry pull still there, but I don’t want to cave to it. I don’t think it’s a good idea.

“So, your dad…” Seeming to sense that he’s gone too far, Brandon rapidly changes the subject. “How is his treatment going?”

“Oh you know… I think it’s good but I’m not sure that he agrees. He’s proud, he’s always been that way. I think he’d just rather act like it isn’t happening.”

“Who is the specialist?”

I pull out the card from the bag and read out the name to him “Doctor Munday. It’s the best person we could afford. She’s very good though. Or at least I think she is.”

“I can pay for better.” His words stun me to the core although I’m not sure why. This is exactly the sort of thing that Brandon does. I don’t want to get sucked in a second time thought because it doesn’t mean he cares. Even his words don’t. He didn’t ever say anything quite so intense the last time we spent time together, but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to instantly trust him now. “I can pay for the best of the best, really get him some help.”

“No I don’t think…” I try to stop him in his tracks, but Brandon’s on a roll.

“Oh I wouldn’t be doing it for you, I’d be doing it for him. He’s a great guy who’s always been good to me and I’d like to do this for him. I’ll get him the best treatment with a private room and I’ll put you up in a hotel nearby.” He holds up his hand to stop me from talking. “I know that you’re already ready to shut me down, but before you do I just want you to think about it. If you say no, it’ll be selfish. It isn’t really your future you are playing with. Don’t you think your dad would like to have something like a quality of life back again?”

“You can’t do that to me,” I exclaim. “That isn’t fair. He’s so proud that he’d probably say no anyway. I don’t know if he’d want to take your money. And we’re fine here. We’re quite settled in the motel to be honest.”

Brandon leans forwards in his chair and he smirks at me. “That’s why you have to be the one who says yes. It’s up to you to give him that chance. Then we can just not tell him what’s really going on. And if you’d rather stay here, just stay here.”

“I think he might notice…”

“Maybe, but it’ll be done then.” He wiggles his eyebrows at me. “Come on, you haven’t worked your ass off to get nowhere, have you?”

Damn it, it’s like he can see right through me. I think I had that exact thought myself. It would be so easy to cave to what he’s offering, to fall for it and let my dad have the best of the best, but then I’ll be stuck spending a lot of time with Brandon, and much as I’m managing to be strong now, I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep it up for an extended period of time. How is anyone supposed to continually resist such a hard pull? It just isn’t possible.

“I don’t know,” I eventually reply cautiously. “I feel like I already owe you enough. You might never have told me, but I know you paid the bill last time, and I’ve constantly felt guilty that I haven’t been able to pay you back.” Well, apart from the times when I wanted to kill him for being so heartless, but this isn’t the time to bring that up. “I don’t know if I want more hanging over my head.”

“I didn’t tell you because I don’t want you to pay me back. That was the whole point of that. I can afford it anyway, what’s the point of having all this money if I can’t do any good with it? This is how I want to spend what I’ve earned.”

He extends his hand for me to shake it, sealing the deal, but I don’t at first. I pause, I rack my brain for any logical reason why I shouldn’t do this, but I just can’t find any. None that aren’t selfish anyway. If I can’t spend a bit of time with this man who maybe isn’t quite the devil I remember him as, for the sake of my dad, then what sort of daughter am I?

“Fine.” I grab his hand and shake it once. “We’ll do this, but if I want to stop at any time, you have to respect my choice without asking questions.”

“I will.” His face breaks into a big, bright smile. “I can promise you that much.”

Just as I’m about to slide my hand away, he yanks me close to him. I fall against his body and allow him to embrace me for just a second. Electricity bursts through my body and all the old memories of him touching me everywhere and making me feel incredible, float to the surface. I slide my eyes closed and just remember, for only a second.

Who would have thought that this is where tonight would end? Me in Brandon Heath-Smith’s arms.

Honestly, if someone would have told me as much, I would have called them insane. Yet here I am, doing just that.

But soon I have to pull away, before I fully mold into him. This is complicated enough, I don’t want to make it a million times worse by adding my feelings back into the mix. Never again, I can’t let myself get hurt a second time. I’ll never survive it.

Chapter 22 – Brandon

God, it feels good to be doing something positive. It actually feels amazing. I feel more alive than I have been in a very long time. As I watch Lola walk with her father into the room of the doctor I’ve paid for them to see, there’s an intense warmth in my chest that I’ve never experienced before. I love it. I want to grab onto it and have more of it. It’s delicious.

“We’ll be back in a moment,” Lola calls out behind her, with a happiness shining in her eyes. She’s warming to me, which is wonderful. “Thank you, Brandon.”

“No worries,” I reply with a bright smile. “Take as long as you want.”

I sit back in my seat, thinking about how I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world. Yes, I could be in the office, sitting behind my desk making important sounding decisions and impressing my father… but is that really what I want? I know now, more than ever before, that it doesn’t make me happy. Okay, so I might not know what does make me happy, but at least I’m one step closer.

Ring, ring… Ring, ring…

I roll my eyes and grab my cell phone out of my pocket and I make my way outside. I don’t know if answering a call is still taboo in surgeries anymore, but I just don’t want to risk it. I don’t want to wreck anything in here, not when it cost me a fortune to get such a rush appointment with this well renowned doctor.

“Hello?” I answer the moment I step outside. “Sandi, is everything okay?”

“Where are you?” she whines. “It’s hard for me to be your PA when you aren’t here.”

Urgh, she doesn’t care at all. She isn’t exactly hard worker of the century, this is more about her disappointment in me than anything else. I haven’t heard anything directly but the rumors suggest that she’s more than upset that I didn’t go to Franko’s party.

“I told you, I’m out this morning. I’ll be back this afternoon. There’s always plenty of paper work that needs filing. You can’t be that bored, can you?”

I can hear the irritating sound of her long fake nails banging against the desk. “Yes, I suppose so. What am I supposed to tell your father if he comes around?”

Tension coils in my chest, just as it always dies when I think about letting down my father, but it untwists and floats away just as quick, which is unusual. I start to think that maybe I might be letting go off all my self doubt after all this time. Something I never thought would happen.

“Don’t worry about him. Just tell him to call me,” I reply sharply. “If he’s that bothered about where I am he’ll contact me himself.” Despite my bravery, I hope he doesn’t. One step at a time. “Thank you, Sandi, I’ve got to go now okay? I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah, okay. I’ll see you later. Don’t be too long, okay?”

I want to be long. In fact I don’t want to go back at all. I want to throw that side of my life aside so I can try to figure out where my dreams and my heart really lies. I have the money, I could do it, but there’s something holding me back for a moment. I think I just need to hold my horses for the moment so I don’t do anything wild. Once I figure out what I want to do, then I can start taking steps.

“Yep, sure. Bye.”

Once I hang up the phone I remain where I am for a few moments, rolling back and forth on the balls of my feet while I think. I’m changing, I can feel myself becoming something better, bursting out of my shell. It’s cool. I like it. The last year of my life has been really gray, dull without any color, and now that Lola’s back the color has burst back into my vision. I feel like maybe I can be the man I was back when we spent time together. I want to be that person, that’s the best version of me.

Right, time to get back inside, I think to myself with a smile. Find out how Lola is.

***

It takes some time, I’m in the waiting room for ages, but I don’t mind. It all gets even better when Lola and her dad come back out and they both look filled with positivity. It’s as if a weight has been lifted from their shoulders, which is wonderful to see.

Lola even races to my side and throws her arms around me. “Oh my God, that was so good, Brandon. You have no idea.” She squeezes tighter, wrapping her fingers around me. “Thank you so much, I don’t know how I can ever repay you.”

“You don’t have to.” I lean down and whisper into her ear. Her hair blows out as my breath tickles her neck. “Just to see you happy is enough.”

She pulls back to look at me and I can see a light dancing in her eyes. “Even Dad is happy, aren’t you?” Lola turns to look at him but doesn’t give him a chance to answer. She’s too excitable for words. “The doctor was great, he had loads of great advice and exercises to try. Oh, and he’s changed all the meds around too so that should make a difference.” She slips her hand into mine and she pulls me towards her like she can’t get enough of me, which is a sensation I’d almost forgotten. “Come on, let’s go and get some cake to celebrate.”

I’m not complaining as she walks along holding onto my hand like I’m her boyfriend, while also linking her father’s arm. It feels nice, it reminds me of how things used to be. When we were in her town, when things were perfect, this is like that. I don’t want it to end.

“Where are you taking us?” I ask Lola with a laugh. “You’re acting like a crazy person.”

“I know, but I just feel so good.” She points to the nearest café. “That’ll do. Let’s go in there.” She doesn’t give any of us a choice, she yanks us in. “You guys go and get a table, I’ll go and get drinks and cake.”

I take Lola’s dad to sit down, and once we’re both comfortable, I give him a look. “Well, that went very well, I take it?”

He laughs, a musical sound that sounds really genuine. It makes me realize that all the other times he’s been happy it’s been veiled with agony. “I know, Lola is a bit excitable, isn’t she? She was very enthusiastic in the doctor’s office, especially when he gave us some new ideas. He’s a great doctor, one that I’m sure is out of Lola’s price range, but she keeps insisting that she’s fine.”

I nod silently. I did ask her to keep my money a secret from her father because if he’s a proud man, like Lola keeps telling me that he is, then it’ll be a bit weird. He’s not an idiot, I’m sure he knows, but it works out better for us all if we just keep things on an even keel. I like helping him, I don’t want him to feel like he owes me anything. That isn’t why I’m doing it at all.

Huh… I like helping people. I wonder if that’s something to focus on…

It’s a bit of a revelation, but not one that I can deal with right now. That’s something that’ll take a lot of thought. Now I just want to focus on this right here.

“Well, Lola is sensible. I’m sure if she’s said that, then it’s fine…”

“Yeah, maybe.” He nods. “We’ll see. I do have to admit that I’m feeling more positive myself. I’ve now got access to stuff that I wouldn’t have before.” He pauses for a moment before he starts again. “I do want to get better for Lola. She’s done so much for me, you know taking care of me and looking after the farm to keep us going. I think if it wasn’t for her, I would’ve given up a long time ago. Maybe even when my wife died.”

“Who’s looking after the farm at the moment?” I ask. “I didn’t think about that!”

“Oh a young lad who lives a few doors down. Tim is his name and he’s just finished school and he needs something to keep him busy. It isn’t a hard farm to look after since we don’t have much there anymore.”

The thought of Tim taking some of the responsibility off of Lola’s shoulders makes me want to smile. I hope that’s giving her more chance to play her music. Maybe. Although it does seem like maybe she’s just taken on more work to pay for her father’s treatment instead.

“Oh well that’s good. I know this isn’t exactly a vacation for you guys but I hope you’re getting some time to relax as well.”

“Well, we are right now.”

He leans back in his seat as Lola comes over with the drinks and cakes. As I glance up at her I can’t help but join in with her very infectious smile. She looks more beautiful than ever now that she’s happy. It makes me realize that she isn’t just my cowgirl fantasy and that she never has been. She’s so much more. Now, she’s in much plainer clothes, but with that happiness shining in her gaze she’s gorgeous. All I want to do is kiss her.

God I wish I could kiss her.

“This is so awesome isn’t it?” she almost squeals as she sits down. “I really feel like things are going to go well from here.”

Her hand falls onto mine, almost as an automatic reaction and as it does I notice her father giving me a look. A happy look actually, like he approves of our union. He seemed happy to see us together before though, and I can’t help wondering if he’d still feel the same way if he knew the truth about how I left last time. It makes me want to sit down and explain to him why I did what I did. I want to make him see that it was all just a mistake and that I understand that now. I was an idiot, and I won’t make that mistake again, but of course I can’t do that here and now.

“You know, you two should really go out to celebrate tonight,” he shocks us both by saying. “Maybe go to dinner and have a few drinks.”

Lola snatches her hand away like she’s been electrocuted. “But, Dad, I can’t. I have to look after you.”

“Kid, I’m tired,” he tells her in a slightly weary, probably put on, tone. “I need my rest. You two need to have some fun. How often are we in the city, Lola? How often do you go out? I want to see you finally have some fun. You’ve always been looking after people. First your mom and now me…”

“But I don’t mind…”

“I know you don’t, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to enjoy yourself too.”

“I would like that,” I tell her in the hope that it’ll make it easier. “I know some great places to eat and drink. I could show you around a bit.” She looks at me out the corner of her eye and bites down on her bottom lip. A pink blush tinges her cheeks which makes me assume that she’s at least considering it. “What do you say?”

“She says yes,” her dad replies on her behalf. “Trust me, Lola, you say yes. You have to do this for me anyway. I’m asking it of you. You can’t refuse your old man, can you?”

She sighs loudly as if it pains her, but finally she nods. “Fine. I’ll go.”

And with that, my heart soars.

Chapter 23 – Lola

What have I agreed to? I think with a head shake as I pull my dress over my head. I’m supposed to be avoiding Brandon, not spending more time with him! I’m also really concerned that I might have given him the wrong end of the stick by being all touchy feely with him today. That was just an accident, I was all happy about seeing the doctor and grateful to him for helping that happen.

“You look nice,” Dad calls out from behind me. “That dress looks awesome on you.”

I spin around and give him a glare. “Dad, I really feel like this is your fault.”

“What? I encouraged you to go out for a night of fun.” He rolls his eyes and tries to act all innocent. Does he honestly think I don’t know what he’s doing? “You need it.”

“A night of fun? Just funny that it’s with Brandon. Are you trying to encourage something?” I might as well dive right in and find out the truth. “What do you think will happen tonight? You do remember what happened last year, don’t you?”

Dad blushes a little and looks away from me. “Okay, I’ll admit it, I might be trying to push you and Brandon together.” I cross my arms angrily across my body. “But that’s because I really think there might be something there between you. Of course, I haven’t forgotten what happened last year, I know how sad it made you, but I’m also one for second chances. It’s obvious he knows that he’s made a mistake and it seems to me that he wants to make it up to you.” I roll my eyes in a dramatic fashion, but that doesn’t stop him from continuing. “I think you should give him a chance.”

I blow out a deep breath of air and let his words wash over me. “I don’t know, Dad. It isn’t that simple, is it? He broke my heart when he left before and I don’t know if I can trust him not to do that again.”

Dad leans onto his knees with his elbows and he holds out his hands to me. I don’t have a choice but to go and hold them so I can really listen to what he has to say. I might not want to hear it, but my father has no intention of letting me get away with that.

“Love never runs smooth,” he tells me simply as if it’s completely obvious. “Anyone that tells you their love story was a smooth one is lying.”

“But what about you and Mom?” I whine a bit pitifully. “Didn’t you just see one another, fall in love, and make a long distance thing work?”

He shrugs. “Maybe that’s how I made it sound, but I was lying. I didn’t mean to lie, but now that Denise has gone is easy to see things through rose tinted glasses. We went back and forth for a bit, both of us were unsure about whether or not it was worth it. We even dated other people in between.”

I’m stunned. I can’t believe that. I thought Mom and Dad had the perfect marriage. I suppose they did, but they just had some road bumps to get them there. I haven’t dated anyone else in between the times that I’ve spent with Brandon, but I don’t know about him. If I fall into the trap of believing what that guy in the drug store said then he’s been with lots of different skanks.

“Wow, Dad that’s… I didn’t know.”

“Look, we both made mistakes. That’s why I’m telling you that you shouldn’t turn your back on Brandon just because he made one mistake. You know that I’m here to protect you, you know that I don’t want you to get hurt and I’m telling you that I don’t think he’ll do it again.”

“How do you know?” I ask him breathlessly. “Seriously?”

“I know because I can see it in his eyes.” My dad’s tone is so matter of fact that it takes me back a bit. “I can tell.” He leans forward and kisses me on the cheek. “I just want you to be happy, that’s all. Now.” He takes his hands from mine and pats them on his legs. “I’m going to bed so you can enjoy your night out. Have fun.” He winks at me. “And I’ll see you at some point tomorrow.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” I gush. “Dad, what are you saying?”

“I’m just saying if you stay out all night long drinking, partying, and having fun, then I don’t mind. I will be absolutely fine and I’ll just see you tomorrow.”

I roll my eyes and smirk at him. There’s no way I won’t be back here tonight. No matter what happens, I’ll be back at this motel. This is only dinner and drinks. Nothing to worry about at all. Even if I feel like I might want to go that far, I won’t…

No, stop it! For the past year I haven’t been the dreamer that I once was. I don’t sit around and day dream about being famous and I certainly don’t fantasize about men anymore, but now with Brandon here I can feel my mind wandering. The only problem is my imagination tends to get the better of me and it makes me do crazy things. I really don’t want to do anything crazy, I don’t want to regret him again.

“Right, come on, let’s get you into bed and then I can finish doing my hair and make up.”

I grab hold of Dad and I take him towards the bed like it’s second nature to me. I’ve spent so long doing this that it’s just a part of me now. Getting his body to work in certain ways is just ingrained within me.

Once he’s in and tucked under the sheets, I lean down to give him a kiss on the head. “Thank you for all your advice, Dad, but I’m going to be honest I don’t know if this is going to work out like you think it is.” I need him to be prepared, just in case. He might have this idea of a nice guy in his mind, but I’m still reserving judgement.

“I know,” he agrees. “I just want you to give it a try. I just want you to see. And just so you know, this isn’t because I know he’s paid for the treatment.”

“Oh.” I didn’t know he knew that. I can’t deny it if he knows. Brandon might even have told him, even though he told me to keep it secret. “Right, well…”

“I worked it out, Lola. Come on.” Dad laughs at me. “I’m just saying this has nothing to do with that, just go out there and have fun. You deserve it.”

I nod and breathe deeply, feeling even more terrified than before. This is so damn scary, I feel like it’s a night totally loaded with meaning and pressure. I wonder if Brandon is feeling it too. I wonder if he’s sat at his house wondering where this night will lead.

I grab my make up bag and start brushing it onto my cheeks, trying to make myself look more beautiful than I have done in a very long time. This reminds me of last year when I used to play about being the cowgirl for Brandon. But this time I’m not playing a game, I’m just being me. A slightly prettier version of me. I lighten my already pale features, and I highlight my blue eyes, then I start on my hair. I grab all my equipment, planning to do something to style my hair but in the end I simply run a brush through it and I leave it hanging loose.

Right. I nod at myself in the mirror. Panic coils like an ice cold snake through my system. Just get through tonight. Just… have fun. It’ll be fine.

I don’t know if I will be, but I have to give myself some sort of pep talk or I’ll never get myself out the door. I’ll never go to see Brandon and find out what it could be between us. Much as I’m not sure if it’s a good idea or not, I don’t want to never know. I need closure one way or another. I can’t keep wondering either way.

“Right, Dad. I’m off…” I spin around, ready to say goodbye, but he’s already asleep. I watch him for a moment, unsure whether or not I’m going to be grateful to him once all of this is over. I suppose either way I’m going to get an answer, and that’s what I need. “Okay. Bye.”

As I walk out the door, my heart hammers in my rib cage. He’s supposed to be meeting me outside in about five minutes but I need a moment alone just to calm myself down. I never really had a date with Brandon as such, we just sort of fell together in a really natural way. The chemistry pulled us in, it connected us, it clamped us together and wouldn’t let us go. Now, things can’t be so natural, we have all this history holding us back. If we’re going to do this, if we’re really going to go in, then it needs to be with our eyes wide open.

I bounce up and down on my feet and I swing my arms idly by my side. I want that carefree side to me back, I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared in my life.

Come on, Lola. You can do this.

I hear a car in the distance which only heightens all of the terrifying emotions. My eyes scan everywhere and soon I see a black, flash looking vehicle pulling up. It looks silly outside this dirty motel, it really doesn’t fit in, which means it has to be him. I suppose it reminds me of us in a way, he’s much too flash and over the top for me, I’m just a simple country girl, but somehow we made it work once. Maybe we could do so again.

The car pulls to a halt in front of me and I curl my fingers around the hem of my dress as I wait for him to get out. My palms feel sweaty, my heart hammers violently, I feel shaky all over. This is too mush. The door open much too slowly and a leg comes out. One that’s wearing expensive looking trousers. I already know that in my cheap, high street dress that I won’t fit in with him, but I don’t think I mind. I certainly don’t feel self conscious.

Then the rest of him comes out the car and my heart leaps up into my throat. He’s devastatingly handsome, the best looking man that I’ve ever seen in my life, and I really do think that my dad might be right. It does seem that he wants to make things up to me. There’s such a love shining in his eyes that it’s almost irresistible.

“You look nice,” he says as he gets closer to me. “Beautiful actually.” He leans down and kisses me on the cheek which sends butterflies flapping everywhere inside me. “Are you ready to go?”

No, it’s too much, make an excuse, don’t do it! My brain is frantic, almost out of control. It’s screaming at me so loudly that I almost can’t ignore it. I could make an excuse, I could use my father as a way out of this… but is that what I want? Do I want to ignore the churning in my stomach, the warmth in my chest, the feelings that I haven’t ever had before?

“Erm, yes,” I reply, following my heart instead of my head with a desperate hope that it’s the right thing to do. “Let’s go.”

Chapter 24 – Brandon

I can’t stop looking at Lola out the corner of my eye as we whizz along the road towards the restaurant where I’ve managed to get us a last minute booking for tonight. Actually, it isn’t the sort of flashy place I would normally take a date, but that’s because I’m not trying to impress Lola with my money. The sort of girls I take to dinner at stunning, expensive places are the ones I need to impress a bit before I get into bed with them. I want to sleep with them, but that’s it. I am never interested in them the way I am in Lola.

No, tonight I have gone for a nice Italian place with little booths where we can have a private, intimate meal together, just me and her. I’m trying not to have any expectations for tonight, but I do think that it’ll be when we find out either way what’s going to happen between us. I really want things to go a certain way, but I don’t want to pressure Lola.

“So, how’s your dad?” I ask her smilingly. “Is he feeling better?”

“He’s in bed now. Getting some sleep. He’ll be fine until morning.”

I don’t know what she means by that, but it gets me excited. Is she trying to tell me that she’ll be free all night long? Does that mean there’s a possibility of anything happening between us? I haven’t been with anyone for a year because I haven’t wanted to, but now that intense spark is back inside of me and I know that only Lola can quell it.

“Oh well that’s good news,” I rasp back, hardly able to keep my emotions inside. “So you can have fun for as long as you want.”

Lola nods but doesn’t say anything else. She keeps her gaze firmly fixed out the window as we continue moving. I desperately want to ask her what’s going on through that mind of hers, but I don’t think I can. I don’t think that’s appropriate.

“Right,” I say as we pull the car up to a halt right outside the restaurant where I have a table booked. “We’re here now. Are you… are you okay to go in?”

She turns in the chair to face me before we make our move. “Brandon?” she asks quietly. “Can I just ask you something before we go in?”

My heart leaps. I don’t know how to feel about that. What if she asks something that blows all of this apart before we even start our night out? “Erm, yeah sure.”

“What is this?” She cocks her head to one side and examines me closely. “Tonight, I mean? Are we just hanging out as friends or is this a date? I know that might be a bit heavy since it was a night that was thrown upon us by my dad, but the anticipation is killing me. I don’t think I can be myself if I don’t know.”

I purse my lips thoughtfully. I need to answer this delicately so I don’t freak her out at all. “I’ll be honest with you, I would like it to be a date. I would like to think that there’s still a connection between us that can turn into something real and new, but I know that I did you wrong. I can give you all the excuses in the world, but I still treated you badly, so if you want nothing more than to be friends, I understand that.” It breaks my heart to say it, but I’d rather have her in my life in some way rather than not at all. “It’s entirely up to you.”

She nods slowly as she processes this. “Okay,” she drawls. “I see. I think…” She sucks in a deep breath of shaky air. “I think I would like to give us a chance. I think I would like this to be a date. I think we should see… where this might go.”

Yes! I almost pump my fist in the air with excitement. Thank God!

“Okay.” The smile on my face is so bright and genuine I think my face might crack. “Well let’s get outside then, shall we?”

I hop out the car and move over to her side to open the door for her. I want to be the perfect gentleman tonight, even more so now that I know there’s a chance. I don’t deserve it, but I’m getting one anyway. I must have done something right!

“Thank you.” Lola slides her hand into mine. “Let’s go inside. This place looks nice. Is this where you bring all your dates?”

“You have the wrong impression of me,” I tell her seriously. “Maybe in the past I dated around, but not anymore. Not for the last year.” I see her eyes go dewy eyed with emotion. I’m glad I’ve been given the chance to let her know that much. “But even before, I never brought anyone here. Only friends. This is the place for me and you.”

“I like that,” she replies warmly. “Let’s go in.”

The well dressed waiter takes us over to a table in the corner where we can have the most private conversation in the world. The booth seats around us are high, so it feels a bit like we’re the only people alive. As we take our seats and we look at one another over the romantic, flickering candle light, my heart leaps up into my chest.

I could love this woman, I think seriously to myself. I might actually love her already.

I haven’t ever been in love before so I don’t know how it’s supposed to feel, but I’m sure this dizzying excitement where it feels a bit like the foundation has been pulled out from beneath me, is a part of it. I’m falling deeper and deeper into this abyss but I like it. I love the sensation that I’m falling because it’s with her. With Lola clinging to me, it’s good.

“So what’s good here?” Lola asks as she pulls the menu open. “I presume that you’ve been here enough times to have something to recommend to me.”

“The calzones are amazing. I think you’ll like them.”

“Ooh, calzones, very posh,” she teases back. “No wonder you didn’t like eating out before. My town doesn’t exactly have a variety of food choices.”

“It does now,” I shoot back rapidly. “That’s a part of my development plan. Haven’t you been to see it?”

“No,” she replies softly, reminding me what a stupid question it is. “I haven’t been since you left.” Of course she hasn’t. If it was the other way around, I would be the same. “But I’ve heard great things.”

I need to pull this back, I need Lola to remember the good things rather than the crap. “I didn’t mind not eating out anyway. I loved hanging out in your tiny cottage and one of us cooking with whatever we could get from the store. That was so much fun.”

Lola laughs and tosses her head back. “Yeah, I’m sure. Just wonderful. I bet about three of my houses could fit in your living room.”

I nod, agreeing with her because I know she’s right. “We can go and have a look after this if you want? It feels weird that I’ve spent so much time with you at your home and you haven’t seen the inside of mine at all.” It reminds me that while she shared something intense, it wasn’t fully real. If things ever did happen again I would want it to be very real. I would want to be fully immersed in one another’s lives, I want it to be everything. Even my father will meet Lola, if she lets us be again. “Would you like that?”

“I think I would. Just to see it,” she answers. But a redness tinges her cheeks. I get the impression that she might be thinking dirty thoughts… which is fun, but I don’t want just that. “I’d like to get to know a bit more about you.”

I smile at her, wanting to say so many things. There’s a lot between us that needs to be said, but I don’t know how to find the words. Instead I try to say it with my eyes instead… at least until the waiter comes along to take our order, shaking us both from our little moment.

***

“That was really nice,” Lola says happily as we leave the restaurant. Her hand is in mine and she’s swinging it casually. It’s just a small gesture but it means the world to me. It builds a connection between us that I want to last forever. “Thank you for taking me there.”

“Yeah, it’s a great place… but there’s another reason I brought you here.” I tug her along with me towards the back of the building. “There’s a little pond out here which has some Koi Carp inside. It’s lovely. Not as lovely as your lake but nice.”

The owner of the restaurant has decorated the outside area with little fairy lights that twinkle in the moon light. I’ve never really noticed it before, but it’s really romantic. I love that I can show it to Lola. I just know that she’ll like it.

“Oh yeah, this is awesome,” Lola gushes as her eyes drink it all in. “Really nice.”

I move behind her and wrap my arms around her, just like I did once upon a time a year ago. I nestle my face into her hair and inhale her scent. Her smell hasn’t changed at all, it brings back all the old sensations that she used to make me feel, and it’s a safe emotion. With Lola I feel secure, I feel whole, I feel complete. This is what I want every day. I would like this to be my life forever more. Me and Lola against the world.

“I’m so glad you’re here with me,” I whisper to her. “It’s awesome.”

She turns on her heels and wraps her arms around my neck, bringing everything up to a brand new level. As she rises to her tiptoes I suck in an expectant breath of air, but she doesn’t kiss me. Instead she brushes her nose gently against mine and she stares up loving into my eyes. The fact that she’s willing to be so open with her heart after I stomped on her before is wonderful, it makes me see just how incredible she is. She really is everything that I could want and more. So much more.

Yep, I think smilingly to myself. I definitely love her. No doubt about it.

I can’t hold back any longer, so I dip my head down and I close the gap between our lips. I kiss her softly and gently, relishing all the amazing sensations that flood through my body, but Lola grabs me tightly and deepens the kiss, allowing all of her passion to flow through her lips. Fireworks explode inside of me, a deep desire runs free, I wrap my arms around her waist and squeeze until she molds into my body.

Oh God, this feels so good. This is what I want. This is what I need.

I know now with utter certainty that if I get another proper chance with Lola I won’t screw it up. I knew that anyway, but now I really know it.

“Do you want to come back to mine?” I murmur against her lips. “See my house?”

My heart thunders as I wait for an answer, I don’t know what I’ll do if she says no. I really hope I don’t have to find out. I bite the inside of my cheek to try and keep a stream of please from running free. I need to play it cool.

“Yes,” she finally agrees, putting me out of my misery. “Let’s go and see this big mansion of yours.”

Chapter 25 – Lola

“Wow, so this is your home?” I gush as we walk into the largest home that I’ve ever seen. It’s even bigger on the inside than it appears outside. “This is amazing.”

My eyes flicker everywhere, I drink all of it in. There’s a reception area with a giant staircase, rooms coming from everywhere, all with gorgeous furniture and wonderful artwork littering the walls. It makes my tiny, shabby cottage look like something in a back garden somewhere… which I suppose in a way it is.

“Yeah, this is it.” Brandon shrugs modestly. “It was one of the first things I brought when I got my trust fund at eighteen years old. That was back when I was excited to delve head first into the exciting world of business of course. I thought I needed a flashy home to match my flashy life style.”

“You don’t think that anymore?” I ask, curious as to why he seems unsure about himself.

“I don’t know. I mean, I still love this house. It’s the one and only thing that I really feel is mine, but I don’t think I need it to match me anymore.”

I nod slowly, not wanting to get too much into the heavy stuff now. Not when my heart is dancing so excitably over my entire body, driving me wild. Even though I tried to convince myself that I definitely wouldn’t stay out all night when I was getting dressed, I’m pretty sure that this moment has been coming ever since I agreed to come out on this date. Now, I think I might want to know where it’s going to lead.

“Are you going to show me around then? There’s got to be more to this house than just the hallway.”

Brandon takes my hand in his and he takes me slowly through his home showing me every single room. As we walk, I’m more interested in the furniture and the objects that he has in his home, because that tells me more about him. I look at the – admittedly very few – photographs that he has up on the wall, giving me a bit of a glimpse into his life. I see the awards that he’s won for business, and the office that’s messier than the rest of the home.

I love seeing all these bits of his life, it’s interesting to peel back the layers of Brandon.

“Your kitchen is amazing,” I tell him as we move up the stairs. “But I bet your bathroom is even better.”

“My bathroom?” He gives me a curious look. “You don’t want to see my bedroom?”

I shrug and blush. “I mean, I suppose so, but for some reason I want to see your bathroom too.”

“Oh well that’s great because I have the most amazing wet room.” He smiles and rubs the bottom of my back. “I’m very proud of it.”

I feel a flutter of electricity racing through my system as his hands brush against my skin and the possibilities suddenly open wide. I remember the moment when the heat of the moment got the better of us and we ended up hooking up on the tractor inside my barn.

I kinda want to recreate that magic. It was so much fun and I know Brandon started looking at me differently then, as if I was someone he was really attracted to. Remembering that stare sends a powerful shiver racing up and down my spine.

“Wow, yeah, this is nice.” I step into the bathroom with him still clinging to my hand. “I can see why you wanted this.”

Once he’s inside with me I yank him to my body and I kiss him hard, but I only hook one hand around his waist because I’m using the other to find the dials to switch the water on. I want to shock him. As I find it, I smile against his lips and I hit it.

“Oh my God,” Brandon squeals as he’s stunned so much that he jumps away from me. But of course he can’t escape the water because it’s a wet room. The whole ceiling is sprouting water out, absolutely covering him and his expensive suit. “Lola!”

I giggle and twist my hips playfully. “Oops, sorry. I didn’t know what that button did…”

Then I grab the bottom of my dress and I yank it up over my soaking wet head, so I’m standing staring at him with just my white, now very see through underwear on. Brandon pauses for a moment, but then he joins in. He strips his clothing off right down to his underwear so we’re both standing across the room, under what feels like warm rain, staring at each other panting desperately.

“You look so damn beautiful,” Brandon gasps at me. “Better than I remember.”

Then all of a sudden our bodies have crashed back to bed and we’re kissing like there’s no tomorrow. His hands are all over me and mine all over him too. I want to touch him everywhere, I want to reconnect with every damn inch of him, I’ve missed this body so much that it hurts. It actually aches everywhere. It pulsates and pounds deep in my core.

As Brandon’s hands struggle to strip off my underwear, I yank off his too. Maybe, after all this time we should take a moment to do this much slower and calmer, but I can’t. The intensity runs so deeply through me that I just have no control whatsoever.

Brandon pushes me back until I hit the wall and he slides to his knees. The water rushes all over him, covering his face but he doesn’t seem to care. He stares up at me with dark hooded eyes and he grips tightly onto my thighs. I try to grasp onto the wall behind me but there’s nothing to hold onto but soaking wet, shiny tiles which leaves me grasping for nothing.

My heart hammers hard against my chest, my breaths fall raggedly out of my mouth, my whole body feels needy and desperate. That intensifies as my throat closes and my lungs squeeze shut as Brandon grabs one of my legs and he throws it over his shoulder, leaving me completely and utterly exposed for him. With the water trickling down my hypersensitive body and touching me all over, even in the most intimate of places now, I can feel myself driving closer to a lace that I haven’t been in a very long time. Again, with Brandon I find myself thinking that I almost forgot what it felt like to be this turned on. He just does something to my body that no one else can.

“So beautiful,” Brandon murmurs into my core. “So damn beautiful.”

As his mouth moves closer I suck in a deep breath and I hold it there. I’m already dizzy, my head spins like crazy, so this breathlessness doesn’t make much difference.

“Oh fuck.” Finally, Brandon’s mouth connects with me and it sends me flying. I swear I can see stars as he flicks his tongue everywhere. He plunges into me, then slips it out, then he traces the most incredible feeling patterns all over my clit which are so intense I can hardly stand. His mouth is everywhere, consuming all of me, and to be honest it’s a good job that my leg is on his shoulder. That’s just about the only thing that’s keeping me standing upright. “Oh, Brandon.”

I’ve missed this. I’ve missed this so much. I’m so glad that I’m here again.

I take my hands off the wall and run them through his hair. I cling to him tightly. I probably tug at him a little too hard but Brandon doesn’t seem to mind. He digs his fingers into my butt and drags me closer to him so he can really explore all of me.

It’s too much. I can instantly tell that it’s too much. The sensations are powerful and overwhelming. I’m shuddering, buckling, falling apart, but Brandon is there to keep me upright. He’s sturdy, strong, holding me where I need to be.

“I’m coming,” I gasp as the orgasm reaches its peak. It surprises me, comes at me from the left field, shaking me, rattling through my veins. “Oh fuck, I’m coming.”

Brandon holds me tighter and fucks me with his mouth. The feelings racing through me are like shocking lightening bolts, making everything ache and hurt but in the best way possible. This is definitely it, I will never meet someone that I have such a deep sexual connection with. There’s a reason that it hasn’t been like this before.

Once I collapse in a heap over Brandon, he reaches across and he flicks the water off. Then he scoops his hands under my legs and carries me out of the room, completely naked, until we reach his bedroom. He lays me down and stretches my body across the most comfortable, soft sheets that I’ve ever felt. They are on another level of amazing.

“Oh my God, your bed,” I groan. “It’s amazing. Especially compared to the awful motel bed I’ve been suffering.”

“I did offer to get you somewhere better,” Brandon replies as he climbs over the bed and hovers over me. “But you were all stubborn about it.”

“Yeah, I know. That’s me, stubborn.”

He dips his head down and connects his lips with me. As he does I can feel his thick erection brushing against me, tempting me, making me desperate for more. I’ve just had all the pleasure zapped from my body, I thought all the energy too, but as I feel how hard Brandon is for me it all comes flooding back. I pulse again, I want him desperately.

I turn onto my side and I open Brandon’s night side table. I just know that a man like him is always prepared… and I’m proven right. I grab a condom from there and tear it open with my teeth. I shimmy down Brandon’s body and I slowly, tantalizingly roll the latex down over him.

“You’re so sexy,” Brandon murmurs as I writhe my body back upwards. “So damn sexy.”

Then with his palms flat on the bed either side of my head he slides himself into me, giving me that phenomenal feeling that my life has been missing for far too long. I grip onto his thick shoulders and buck my hips against him as he rides me hard and fast. I lean up to him and press my lips into his as we move in time, pausing only to nip his lips rapidly for one second.

As the pressure of pleasure builds, I hold onto him tightly. A tension floods me, it builds and builds until I can’t hack it any longer. Then, in a shocking powerful wave, it explodes out of me hard and fast.

This is where I need to be right now, I think decisively as the orgasm shatters me like glass. This is right. Mistakes have been made, but that doesn’t have to be the end. If we both want this enough then we can make it work.

Chapter 26 – Brandon

“Brandon?” Lola murmurs beside me, knocking me in the side. “Someone is at the door.”

“Hmm?” I grumble back sleepily while I snuggle further under the duvet. “What?”

“The door,” she repeats herself without opening her eyes. “Someone’s at the door.”

As her words wash over me, my eyes snap open. The door? What could that mean? Who is it? I’m not expecting anyone so for some reason that leaves me anxious and scared. No one comes to see me at this time of the morning. I leap up and throw some clothes on at the speed of light while my mind races. This can’t be good, it just can’t be good.

I thunder down the stairs and towards the front door, looking disheveled and messy. I grab onto the door handle and fling the door open without even asking who’s there.

“Oh… Dad.” Shit, I don’t know what to do. I know I want to introduce Lola to my father, to make this much more real, but that’s something I want to do on my own terms, not by mistake. Not like this. “Is everything okay?”

“Yes, son. Can I come in?” He doesn’t wait for permission, he just pushes past me and does what he wants as per usual. “What’s going on with you at the moment?”

“Erm.” I run a hand through my hair and glance towards the stairs. “What do you mean?”

“I mean the fact that you haven’t been at the office much. It isn’t like you at all. You’ve been very dedicated for the last year and now… now things are changing again.”

Oh God, this isn’t the chat I need to be having right now. I haven’t decided what I want to do yet so I don’t want to talk about it. “I’ve just had a lot going on, that’s all.”

“Yeah, Sandi told me. She said you aren’t talking about it to anyone, but everyone knows that there’s some girl in the picture.” He narrows his eyes at me. “Is that true? Are you really throwing everything away for some gold digger?”

Fucking Sandi. Honestly, what a nightmare. Even when I don’t tell her anything she finds a way to wreck things for me. This has to be a revenge thing because I’m not interested in her. I’ll fire her, if I have a job to go back to. If I even want to go back.

“Dad, not every woman is a gold digger…”

I know why he has this opinion, it’s because of my mother, but that doesn’t mean everyone is the same. He might want to throw himself wholeheartedly into work and to just screw around, but that isn’t me. I know that now.

“Son, don’t be a fucking idiot,” he dismisses me as if I’m a child who knows nothing. “They’re all up to something. You just need to figure out what…”

I part my lips, ready to yell at him but I don’t get the chance to do so. Before I can say anything, a sugary sweet voice interrupts the pair of us.

“Hello.” I spin around to see Lola standing on the stairs in one of my oversized tee shirts. “Mr. Heath-Smith, I presume?”

I give her a warning look as she moves closer with her hand outstretched. She doesn’t know what she’s getting herself in for here. I never let my dad meet anyone, which is why I wanted this meeting to be controlled by me. It’s already spiraling.

“Yes,” my dad replies coldly. “And you are?”

“Oh I’m Lola Boots.” Her bright smile seems to disarm him. She has a way of melting people, which I haven’t noticed before. “Good to meet you.”

“You are dating my son, are you?” He dives right in. “Are you the one who’s made him miss so much work.”

“Oh.” Lola is taken aback, of course she is. He’s being so rude. Her father has been nothing but nice to me and my dad is like this? It isn’t fair. “Right, well, I don’t know about that…”

“Dad, what I do is up to me. Don’t you think?”

“I suppose, but like I just said you’ve been amazing for the past year. Now you’re never about.”

I nod slowly, wondering how my morning went downhill so drastically. This is supposed to be the time that me and Lola are working things out, seeing what might happen next. I don’t want to be here in the middle of this awkward situation. It’s all wrong.

“Dad, now isn’t the time and place for this conversation…” I try, but he completely rail roads me as usual.

“What do you do, Lola Boots? Are you not missing work right now to spend time with Brandon?”

She holds her head high and answers him confidently. “I care for my father, which is why I’m in the city so he can see a medical specialist. When I’m not doing that I’m running the farm for him, working in the local store to pay for his treatment, oh and I sing.”

I cringe and slide my eyes closed as I wait for my dad’s scathing response. He won’t like this at all, he’ll see Lola as a small town, country bumpkin who isn’t good enough for me. It’ll make him even more convinced that she’s a gold digger. Then if he ever finds out that I paid for her dad’s treatment he’ll do his nut in. My shoulders hunch up around my ears and I brace myself desperately for what’s about to happen.

“Well that is impressive.” My eyes snap open as he actually sounds in awe. “You are a very hard working girl. And to look after your father like that, it’s a lot to take on. Do you mind if I ask what’s wrong with him?”

I take a step back and watch in sheer admiration as Lola somehow charms my father. I know him well and I can tell that he actually thinks she’s something special as she talks all about her father’s illness and the effect that it’s had on him. When she discusses looking after him, she does so in a way that isn’t only a show off at all, which of course impresses my dad. Actually, I’m starting to think that he might like her more than he does me. All the iciness surrounding him has thawed and he’s treating her well.

“I’m going to make drinks…” I say to them both, but neither of them acknowledge me so I race into the kitchen to try and think this through. My dad is such a hard man, he’s known for being a terrible, harsh person by many people. He started off being cruel to Lola but she’s turned him around. She’s put him in his place. I wish I could do that.

She really is something else. This just proves it.

As I walk back into the hallway with the drinks in my hands, my father and Lola are gone. I can hear them in the living room, which of course he’s gone into because he thinks he can do whatever he wants, so that isn’t the weird part. The strange bit is it sounds like Lola is singing. To my father. I never thought this meeting would turn out like this.

Once I get into the living room, I lean up against the door frame and watch her for a moment. She is sitting on the couch with her eyes closed, bellowing out a familiar tune. Actually, it’s the one she was singing on the first night I saw her. When she was up on that stage with her hot pants on, her cowboy boots, her checked shirt… that’s the moment I felt intense desire inside of me that rapidly turned into something more.

“That was amazing,” Dad says once Lola finishes. “You have a very raw talent.”

“What on Earth is going on here?” I ask nervously as I bring the drinks inside. “You giving my dad a show?”

“Actually, the reason I’m interested is because I’ve just invested in a recording company.”

“You have?” I exclaim in shock. “I didn’t know you were interested in music.”

“But I do like to have an extensive portfolio. You know that. Music and recording are just my latest thing. I’m interested in Lola’s music and I think it might be something special.” My eyes widen in shock. What is going on? What’s happened to my father? Who is this man? “I want to pursue it. Would you be willing to record a demo?”

Lola gives me a shocked look, and I can tell she wants to know if this is a good idea or not. I don’t really know what she should do for the best, but I give her an encouraging nod for now. I don’t want to throw her into my father’s scary clutches, but with me there to protect her, it should be fine. I hope.

“Okay, yeah, that sounds wonderful. When would you like me to do it?”

“Do you have time today?”

Lola’s face falls, I can see this won’t work. “I don’t know if I can leave my dad alone today. I’ve done so all night long and I’m worried about him.”

I think she expects my dad to say it’s now or never, and I suppose I do too. I don’t know how serious he is about this, but I hope he is. Lola deserves this big break. Even if it doesn’t lead her into something massive, I think she needs this opportunity. The music business is all about who you know anyway… or so I’ve heard.

“Oh of course, I completely understand. How much longer are you in the city for? I’ll set something up with you.”

“Maybe for a week longer, depending on what happens with the doctor. I don’t know if that’ll suit you.”

“Yep, that’s fine.” He hands her a business card. “Here’s my number. Can I take yours so I can call you when I’ve set something up?”

“Oh of course.” She takes his phone from him and types in her digits. It’s the weirdest sight in the world, watching the girl I think I love giving her number to my father. “Thank you.”

The small talk rolls out for a little while longer, mostly from Lola and my father because I’m shocked into silence, but eventually my dad has to go. He doesn’t even mention work again as he says goodbye, it’s almost as if my presence at the office has taken a back seat now that Lola and her singing talent has been revealed… thank goodness! I don’t want to discuss my career for the moment, not when Lola’s is so potentially exciting.

“What just happened?” she gushes as soon as the door closes behind Dad. “Have I gone insane?” Her hand clutches to her forehead in shock. “I must be mad!”

“Maybe,” I chuckle. “Since you’ve just met my hard asses father while he’s in the middle of a mood with me for not being as dedicated to his company as he would like, then you’ve managed to thaw him despite the fact that he thinks all women are gold diggers thanks to my mother. Then you sang for him and now he wants to record a demo with you. Not only have you charmed him, you’ve made him love you. Something I don’t think I’ve ever been able to do properly.”

“Well… I feel shell shocked. I think I need to sit down. That was insane. I mean, even if it comes to nothing just the knowledge that I could be good enough is awesome.”

As I follow her back into the living room, there’s a smile on my lips. I already worked out that Lola’s the one a while back, but now she has the approval of my father. Something I never thought would happen. This is incredible, it really could be the start of something amazing. I don’t know what way it’ll go, but the possibilities are endless.

Chapter 27 – Lola

Standing in a recording studio feels really weird. It’s so glamorous and sleek, it makes me feel more and more like this isn’t somewhere I belong. My clothes feel shabby, my hair messy, my make up all wrong… I’m utterly uncomfortable in my own skin.

But with Brandon standing on the other side of that glass, supporting me wholeheartedly, I find the courage not to run away. The urge is still there but it isn’t quite as powerful.

“Right, Lola,” the guy behind the mic, sitting next to Brandon’s dad, says. “Whenever you’re ready we’re recording.” I nod to let him know I’m game. I think. “Right, let’s go.”

I have a guitar in my hands. It isn’t mine, that’s back at home waiting for me to return. I didn’t see any need to bring it with me to the city because I certainly didn’t think anything like this was going to happen! But it’s fine, it’s the same model so I can make this work.

I can feel Brandon’s eyes upon me as I start strumming and I can’t help but wonder what he’s going to think of my new material. These are songs that I’ve written over the last year that are all pretty much fuelled by him and the heart ache he gave me. They’re perfect for today, even if they might cut him deep, because I can still bring those raw emotions to the surface if I need to. My music needs those emotions to make any sort of impact… and if I’ve ever needed to make someone sit up and see me, it’s today.

My dad is happy that this has happened, much happier than I thought he would be. I assumed he’d put on a gleeful face and that inside it would hurt him because it could potentially mean me pulling away. He might panic that if I’m not there all the time then there won’t be anyone to care for him, but he really doesn’t seem too bothered. With his new farm hand, who’s willing to work for whatever profit we can afford from the farm at the moment, and his new positive health news (fingers crossed, now that some time has passed I realize that it’s best not to get too carried away with the news until I know for sure), he seems to want me to move on with my life. He wants me to have all the happiness in the world.

I do too, I think. It’s just a bit scary. Very scary. Too scary, actually.

As the words flow out of my mouth, I truly put my heart and soul into them. I throw myself right back into those soul destroying memories when it really felt like the whole world was falling apart around me. When Brandon first left, I thought I would never be happy again, yet here I am proving that I can be… and somehow with him still in the picture.

It’s madness, utter madness.

Still, here I am, singing in a recording studio because I gave him a chance, so my dad was very right about giving me that advice.

It takes me a while, but eventually I brave making eye contact with Brandon, and as I do a bolt of emotions shoots right down to my core. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of looking at him, of seeing him look at me like that. He makes me feel special and I think he always will.

I search his face, looking for some hurt, but he doesn’t give me anything to worry about. He must know that this is all about him, but thankfully I think he understands that I’m simply drawing my art from real life.

Once my first, heart wrenching song is up, I decide to sing one of my more positive ones. It’s a song I wrote when things were really good with me and Brandon when I first started feeling that excitable flush of potential love. It hasn’t ever seen the light of day until now because it was much too painful to sing, but I think it’s important. For me, I need to recall the good times that me and Brandon had, I want him to know that I appreciate it when it was good. He has made a big effort to make things right with me, and it seems to be continuing. I appreciate all of that, and I also am so grateful for what he’s done for my father.

I want to use my singing to show him that I know he’s not a terrible person. I just hope that I’m doing a good job…

***

“Right, Lola. We will now have a meeting and decide where we want to go next with this. Will you be available at any time if we contact you?”

“I will make sure of it,” Brandon interjects. “It’s not a long drive, so if the timing is right for you and your dad, I can always pick you up.”

I nod silently, not saying a word. This is so exciting, my dream is finally happening, but it’s spiraling quickly, moving too fast. I feel like a train is rushing past me at a million miles an hour and I need to jump on now or I’ll miss it. Of course I want this, it’s a dream come true, it makes every single one of my fantasies more of a potential reality… but the problem with dreams coming true is the parts of real life that have to be sacrificed along the way. If I go for this, I might end up away from my dad way too much.

Still, I haven’t signed anything so I suppose I can still say no.

“Thank you,” I rasp out, not wanting to be rude. Especially if this all turns out to be a waste of time for them later on. “I appreciate the opportunity.”

After some hand shaking and some air kissing, me and Brandon finally leave the recording studio hand in hand. The natural light of the outside world feels so bright now, after being in there for hours, is so intense that I have to blink a few times to bring me back to normal. The intensity is still sitting on my shoulders, rolling through my body in waves.

“Did that really just happen?” I ask Brandon with a bemused chuckle. “That was mad.”

“I thought you might not quite believe it, even though you just experienced it, so I took some pictures of you on my phone. I hope that’s okay?”

He pulls out his phone and hands it to me, and I take a moment to scroll through the reams of images that he’s snapped of me. I have my eyes closed because I’m so lost in the music in most of them, which is how I didn’t know he was taking them, and I have to admit I’m shocked at how good I look. I appear professional, confident, in control… like I belong. It’s the first time since I stepped into this recording studio that I don’t feel like the whole thing was a giant mistake.

“Wow,” I gasp as I clap my hand across my mouth. “That’s insane. Can I take these to show my father? I know he’ll get a kick out of them.”

“I’ll send them all too you… then when you need to set up all your social media accounts for your bright new career you’ll have some pictures to start with.”

“Oh stop it.”

I shove him playfully, but inside his words create a buzz. Maybe this could be the start of something real. I don’t expect to have the biggest career in the world, I don’t think I’ll actually be playing Madison Square Garden, but anything would be nice. To make money from my music, the thing that I love to do, would be incredible. How many people can say that they actually have a career they love?

“You shouldn’t have said that thing, you know?” I probe Brandon. “About coming to pick me up whenever they want to see me. Your dad is already mad enough about you not spending enough time in the office and he blames me. If they call me, I’ll make my own way here. The last thing I want is to create any sort of rift…”

“That won’t be a problem,” Brandon interrupts me. “So don’t worry about it.”

I narrow my eyes at him as confusion floods me. “Look, just because you think that I’ve charmed your father, doesn’t make it the truth. You do realize that while he likes me now, that could so easily change. Plus, the company needs you…”

“The company doesn’t need me.” His smile is much too bright and knowing. “Because I don’t work for the company anymore.”

I stop where I am in the middle of the sidewalk and I clap my hand hard into his chest. “What the hell do you mean?” I demand. “Are you crazy?”

“Not crazy. Happy.” He chuckles. “I haven’t been happy at the company for a long time, this is something that I’ve wanted to do for a while, I just haven’t had the confidence. I needed something else to focus on, I needed a dream to follow.”

“Right I see,” I gulp. “So you’ve found something else to do? What’s that?”

His face lights up as he speaks, I can already see this means so much to him so I cling onto every single word that falls out of his mouth. “The thing is, I’m good at overseeing property development plans, but at the moment it doesn’t make me happy. I’ve found a way to change that.”

“You… have?”

“I have combined it with my other passion… helping people. Something that you and your dad have helped me to see.” I open my mouth to say something but I can’t get a word in edgeways because he’s already on a roll. “I want to create housing projects that actually help people. Affordable homes for the needy, adapted homes for the people who need it, rented homes for single mothers,, renovations for those who can’t afford it, that sort of thing. I sat up all night last night creating a business plan for it and I’ve already spoke to Hank and Archie this morning who want to be on board. Sure, it won’t make me much money, a lot of the time it might even cost me more than it makes, but I don’t need money. I have plenty, more than I need. I’m not in it for that. I want to make a difference.”

I can barely breathe, never mind speak. “Your dad?” I pant out breathlessly. The plan is incredible and so damn noble, but how will his father take it?

“Oh don’t worry about him. He knows, I told him this morning, and actually he’s okay with it. I’m sure he thinks that I’m making a mistake, but that’s okay. I don’t mind what he thinks. I know that I’m doing the right thing.” He bumps his hip into mine, making me stare up at him. “And the best thing is I can set up office wherever I want and I can travel wherever I need to go to do my work.”

Through my foggy mind, I think he might be telling me that if I want it we can be together. We don’t have to be long distance because somehow we can make it work. It’s what I want, so damn badly, but I can’t seem to find the right words. I’m just trying my best to digest this shock at the moment.

“That’s wonderful,” I finally manage to tell him. “I’m so happy for you. You deserve this very much.”

He envelops me in his arms and presses me up against his chest so I can hear his racing heart. I close my eyes to block out the noise and the sights of the city because I only want to feel him. Somehow, I just know that this is it. Our make or break moment. For good this time. I just wonder which way it will turn out…

Chapter 28 – Brandon

I spend the next few days throwing myself into my new business venture. As I do it with all my heart and soul it doesn’t feel like work. Even the stressful bits aren’t hard to do because I’m so damn desperate to get things done. I love it. Every day I realize more and more this is just what I want to do. This is me. Finally I feel like myself.

As I bang on the door to the motel room which has almost become like a second home to me, I’m bursting with things that I want to tell Lola… but all of them fall apart on my lips as the door swings open and I see what’s going on inside.

“Are you packing?” I ask while peering behind Lola. The mess that’s been all over the floor is long gone now and already I miss it. “What’s going on? Are you moving hotel?”

“Actually…” As she speaks she can hardly meet my eyes. My chest runs cold as I get a horrible feeling that I’m not going to like this. “Dad wants to go back home. He’s finished his treatment with the doctor for now, I’m sure he’ll have follow up appointments, but…” She shrugs her shoulders regretfully at me. “For now he wants to go back. I have been calling you all day long, you just weren’t answering your phone.”

I grab my phone out of my pocket and stare at the screen. Thirteen missed calls and four text messages stare back at me, all containing the terrible news I can see in front of me. “Oh God, sorry I’ve just been so busy today. In meetings and things. I didn’t look at my phone.” I shove it back in my pocket and shake my head as I realize that the missed calls aren’t the most important things. “You’re leaving? Today?”

My heart thumps angrily, my stomach turns over and over in a frantic, confused manner, my head spins. How can I make this not be the truth? What can I do?

“I have to, Brandon,” she tells me sadly. “My dad needs me at the moment. I might be back soon, especially if the record label stuff works out, but I can’t just leave him.”

She’s right, I know she is, and I also realize that this doesn’t spell the end of us, but that doesn’t stop any of the anxiety from coiling around inside of me. I’m so damn scared to let Lola go. I don’t want to spend another year without her. I can’t do it. I won’t survive.

“How are you getting back?” I gush. “What’s happening? What time are you leaving?”

“We’re headed to the bus stop now, I’m so sorry Brandon, I honestly didn’t want you to find out in such a brutal fashion.”

Her eyes are so full of hurt, it breaks my heart. I can see that she doesn’t want it to be this way, but she feels like this is what she has to do. I could just step back and let her do her thing, but the idea of the separation kills me.

“Okay. Don’t go to the bus stop,” I tell her sharply. “Not yet. I’ll… I’ll take you back. I’ll drive you, it won’t take me long.”

This causes her to widen her eyes in shock. “I can’t ask you to do that. You’ve got all your own stuff going on. You’ve got your business and all your meetings… I don’t want to get in the way of anything.” She steps forwards and takes my hands in hers. “I know you have your own thing going on at the moment. I will be back, this isn’t goodbye. This is just me doing my thing while you do yours. Our lives are both crazy at the moment. It’s just a bit of a timing thing. It’s certainly something that we can overcome.”

I can’t stand it, her words are killing me. Logically I know that everything she’s saying is right and that of course we’ll be fine at the end of it, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I pull her to me and run one hand up the back of her neck until it knots up into her hair, then I crash my lips into hers and I kiss her hard.

“I don’t want you to go,” I murmur into her mouth as we pull apart. “I can’t stand the idea of being without you.”

“I know, I know,” she agrees. “I can’t stand it either, but what else can we do?”

The words bubble up inside of me, I can’t seem to stop them from falling out of my mouth. I don’t think that the timing is right, but that doesn’t seem to matter. “I love you,” I whisper to her, so quietly that only she can hear.

“You do?” she gushes to me. “Because I love you too. Really and truly.”

“Then get your things. I’m driving you home.”

There’s no way in hell I’m going to let this wonderful woman get the bus. She needs to go home, fine, but I’m taking her. Then maybe on the way we can both really think about how we’re going to make this work. It’s an hour to an hour and a half. Plenty of time for me to come up with the right plan for all of us.

“Hold on, I’ll go and tell Dad.”

Lola’s father doesn’t even bat an eyelid when he comes to get into my car, but I’m not too surprised. He seemed to know how deeply me and Lola felt for one another before we even knew it. I mean, I knew it but it’s taken this moment for me to feel it as deeply as I do now. I know with absolute certainty now that I would die without Lola in my life. I just need to find a way to make this work. Bad timing or not.

***

I drive on autopilot most of the way to Lola’s home. None of us talk, I barely even look where I’m going, I’m just trying to work out how me and Lola can keep being in one another’s lives. Right now, I need to stay in the city while I get my business established, and Lola needs to be between the two. Maybe we’ll just have to spend some time apart in the beginning. I don’t know. We desperately need a plan.

“Oh wow.” Seeing Lola’s little cottage at the edge of her farm brings all the old memories flooding back. Every meal, every kiss, every shared look. It all makes me feel so many overwhelming emotions at once. “It doesn’t look any different.”

“Doesn’t it?” Lola leans out the window sleepily. She’s drifted in and out all the way home, which has made it easier for me to remain silent. “I suppose not. This is the town that never changes. Always the same.”

“Well, until I came along,” I tease her. “Then everything changed.”

“And not all for the better.” She raises her eyebrows and smiles at me. “But mostly.”

She pushes the door open and moves to the back of the car to go and help her father out. I leap out rapidly to help them both too. I need to remember that there are other lives going on around my internal dilemma. Lola’s father is tired now, he needs a bit of help to get back into the house, but actually he does seem to have more strength than he did when I first saw him again after the last year. Maybe the new treatment is working, maybe it’s genuinely helping him, I suppose only time will tell.

Once we get Lola’s dad in and into bed, a bit of an awkward tension fills the air because neither of us know what to do next. I probably should go back to the city to get ready for tomorrow, but I don’t know if I want to. No, I definitely don’t want to. I want to reschedule all of my meetings and to stay here for the night with Lola. If that’s what she wants. We’ve both admitted that we love one another now, but that’s all that we’ve said. I really think that we need to talk some more.

We move back to the outside area and slowly walk towards Lola’s cottage. Her hand reaches out and she grabs onto mine so she can pull her closer to me. “I don’t know if you want to,” she asks me quietly. “But do you want to come inside for a bit? I know you might need to get back, I just want to put the offer out there.”

“Yes,” I nod decisively while mentally planning out all the emails I’ll need to send. Now that I’m in control of the company, I can be the one who decides whether I pick career or love. Actually what I want is to be able to do both. “I would definitely like that.”

I suck in and hold a breath as Lola opens the door to the past that I also want to make my present. As the internal area of the cottage is revealed, all the memories become even more powerful and I’m left wondering how the hell I walked away from all of this. Did I honestly believe that I would find another love anything like this? What a fool.

“Is this still the same too?” Lola asks with a grin as we go in. “I don’t think I’ve changed anything.”

“The cushions on your chairs are different.” I glance around, drinking it all in. I might love my home, but I adore it here too. Somehow it doesn’t feel like it’s too small even though it’s tiny. “And you have your guitar in a different place, but that’s it.”

Lola flops down on one of the chairs and I take the one opposite her. I lean on the arm of the chair and give her an intense look. Her red hair flops down over her face a little which just reminds me of all the wonderful sexy adventures we had that summer.

“So I suppose there are some things that we need to talk about. Don’t you think?” I ask her cautiously. “I know it feels like all we’ve done is talk this time around, but I think it’s fruitful for us to talk, don’t you?”

Lola laughs, but I can hear the strain behind the sound. She’s struggling with this just as much as I am. “Yeah, you got that right. But what? I’ve been trying to think about it all day long, and I don’t know how to make this any easier. All I want to do is dive into his head first, but we both have responsibilities.”

“Oh I know, I do see that, and I think I might have a plan.”

Her eyes lighten up. “You do? Really?”

“Yeah, I do, but I warn you that it won’t be easy, but I’m sure you’re expecting that.”

“Yeah, I know, but if we both want it enough, we can do it, right?”

“I think we should alternate,” I tell her as if it’s obvious. “I think when you need to be here and I have to be in the city we’ll just have to get on with it, but when we can we switch between being in the city and being here. That way we can help look after your father when he needs it, you can do any recording stuff that comes along, and I can do my business.”

Lola nods but her eyes suggest that she’s not totally sure. “That sounds wonderful, and like it’ll be really awesome. But it’ll just be so hard.”

“I don’t care though. Do you? It won’t feel difficult to me because that’s what I’ll want to do it.”

She pauses for a moment but eventually she nods. “Okay, well if that’s what you want, we have to give it a go, don’t we? We owe it to ourselves to try.”

Chapter 29 – Lola

Brandon’s kiss is tender and sweet. I can feel love pouring from his mouth as well as passion. It’s different, but in a really good way. I didn’t think I would like anything to be different, but I do. It makes my hands reach up to grab onto his cheeks and I hold him close to me. At least this time I know that we both do want this enough to try, so I don’t have to let him go. The fear that we might lose one another isn’t there anymore.

I take Brandon’s hand and I walk him over to my bed. Once there, I climb under the sheets and I pat the space next to me to make some room for him. He pauses for a moment, but only to smile down at me as if I’m someone he truly does love.

“I love you,” he whispers, only confirming what he’s thinking. “I really do love you.”

“I love you too.” I reach out my hands for him to grab. “Now come here.”

Brandon kicks off his shoes and his trousers and he climbs into the bed beside me. The warmth of his body feels so nice next to me. I slide my leg closer to his and the electricity races right through me. Then we lie there next to one another for just a moment, looking at one another, our eyes filled with love.

Eventually I can’t stand it anymore, I turn onto my side and I throw my leg right across him. I tug him nearer to me and soon he turns on his side to face me. His forehead rests against mine and he curls his hand around my arm to hold me in place.

“You’re amazing,” Brandon mutters. “I’m so damn lucky.”

As his lips edge closer to mine I’m reminded of our very first kiss on that magical night when I first laid eyes on him. How little I knew then how important the sexy stranger that was sweeping through town would become to me. My heart races, my core pounds, every inch of me is on fire. But it isn’t the usual, desperate fire that I feel around Brandon, it’s slower, more sensual, romantic even.

And slowly we peel the clothes off of one another, brushing our hands over each other’s skin as we go. I feel Brandon’s hard muscles, his soft skin, his perfect and his flaws, and I love every part of him. Yes, he isn’t perfect, but nor am I. I don’t need perfection from the man in my life, I just need someone who’s going to love me wholeheartedly and make up for anything he does do wrong. I need him.

Once we’re naked, Brandon pulls me on top of him and he kisses me gently. I straddle over him and angle myself just over his tip, teasing him for just a moment. “You know, I’m not always as prepared as you. Did you bring any protection with you?” When his eyes widen in shock and disappointment, I burst into laughter. “It’s fine. I do actually have something I’m just playing around.”

I grab a condom and hand it to him, and wait impatiently for him to cover himself up. As he does I wonder if there’ll ever be a time when we don’t use protection on purpose. When we’re so settled and in love that we want to have children. I’ve never thought about having a family of my own, I’ve always been so wrapped up in my parents, but now there’s potential that the world might be opening up to me in ever single way and I love that plan.

“Now, come over here.”

Brandon pulls me to him and he slides into me instantly, without any messing around. His thrusts are slow, purposeful, intense, so damn powerful that I think they might send me insane. My head falls back, I gasp loudly, as he touches me everywhere all over me. His touch is phenomenal and I think I might want it for the rest of my damn life.

“Oh God,” I moan as his thrusts brush part my clit. “Oh, Brandon.”

My heart beats so powerfully I think it might explode free from my chest, my breaths are ragged and painful, my whole body tingles as the orgasm trickles through my veins and consumes me entirely. I’m on fire, I’m burning, and it’s all because of him…

Once we lay on the bed next to one another panting desperately, I realize that I’m definitely not done with him yet. Of course I’ll have to wait until he’s ready for me…

“Right,” Brandon says with determination and he props himself up onto his elbows to look at me intently. “Turn onto your front.”

“Are you serious?” I gasp with a laugh as I instantly catch his drift. “Already?”

“Just do it already.” His commanding tone is sexy as hell. I love that about him. But then I also adore it when he’s vulnerable and ready to do whatever I ask of him. “I need you on your front already.”

I do as he asks and bury my face into the pillow. He parts my legs and he tickles his fingers up and down my thighs until I’m shuddering and shivering like a crazy person. My core is desperately screaming for him, I need him inside of me, but now he’s making me wait. I feel like he’s teasing me to the point of no return and I’m about to actually lose my mind.

“What are you doing?” I groan while raising my hips to him, trying to lure him in towards me. “Stop teasing me already, will you?”

“Will you just be patient?” he chuckles, sounding like he loves the way I’m begging for him right now. “God when did you get to be so needy already?”

I twist my neck to stare at him over my shoulder. I flick my hair out the way and look at him through shiny, happy eyes. He smiles down at me while he’s rubbing his hand all over my butt. “It’s just you,” I tell him sincerely. “It’s just you that does this to me. No one else makes me feel this way.”

“Yeah well, no one else does what you do to me either.”

“Oh fucking hell, Brandon, I can’t take it anymore.”

Those are the magic words. He grabs onto my hips and pulls me towards him, then he slides himself into me all over again, making me feel incredible. The sexual thrill consumes me, it takes over all of me, and it’s all because of Brandon. He touches me deeply, his cock massages all of me, and fuck me it feels wonderful. I fist the sheets beneath me as he moves so I can fix myself in place and present myself to him. All of me.

He’s the one, I think to myself as he thrusts in and out of me, sending me to heaven. He’s definitely the one for me.

As the hot bliss rolls through my body a second time I forget where I even am. The pleasure is so intense that I don’t even know what to think anymore. I’m crazy, animalistic, wild, insane…and I love every damn second of it. I love that I get to keep this feeling going forever more. I don’t think that this is a sexual chemistry which will end up burning out. This is the real deal. The sort that doesn’t stop.

***

I stare down at Brandon’s sleeping body, watching the heavy breaths fall in and out of his mouth while he sleeps and a smile creeps up onto my mouth. This man makes me so happy, he’s absolutely the best thing to ever happen to me. Of all the shitty luck that I’ve had in my life, finally something good has happened to me. I might have lost my mom, I might have spent the majority of my life caring for my dad and looking after his farm, but now something is happening that’s just for me.

I slide out of the bed and throw a tee shirt and some panties on. Then I set about making some breakfast for me and Brandon. I want just a little bit of a calm before the storm of the day that awaits me. I have a lot of conversation to get through, a lot of plans for the future to make, and much as I cannot wait to get started, I just want a bit of time with my man first. The man I intend to marry, that I want to spend the rest of my life with, the one that I get to keep just for myself. The farm, the caring, even the music… that’s all the stuff I can still do but I can have a piece of life that’s just for me as well.

“Good morning.” A sleepy voice makes me jump out of my skin. “What are you up to?”

“Oh you know,” I reply with a playful wink. “Just planning the rest of my life.”

“Ooh, that sounds interesting. And it smells delicious too. Can I get in on that?”

I giggle loudly. I find myself laughing a lot around Brandon which is wonderful. He cheers me up and makes me light and happy even when it feels like things are dull. “Well, it does involve you so I suppose you should get involved. Take a seat, I’m making you some breakfast.”

Brandon takes his seat and he grins expectantly up at me. “That sounds awesome, I think I’m going to like having this whole girlfriend thing.”

“Oh, so I’m your girlfriend?” I ask with a smirk. “When did that happen? I don’t remember you asking me.”

“No, I suppose not.” He taps his chin thoughtfully. “And I suppose just saying I love you doesn’t quite cut it anymore. Fine, I suppose I better ask. Will you be my girlfriend?”

“Hmm, no.” I play about with him at first. “Or maybe I mean yes, I’m not quite sure.” Then I lean down as I hand him a plate of food and I press my lips lightly against his. “Of course yes, I’ll definitely be your girlfriend.”

And with that, I feel the first day of the rest of my life appear. Me and Brandon will face the future head on, whatever it takes. Him with his family and new business venture, me with mine and my potential singing career. It’s going to be amazing!

Chapter 30 – Brandon

“Have you got everything together?” my dad asks me, sounding actually a little more nervous than I feel. “Are you sure you’re all prepared?”

I can’t help but laugh at his remarks. It’s funny, after all the years I spent trying to impress him, now that I’ve stopped we’re closer than ever. I think he actually has respect for me now. He sees me as someone worthwhile. “Yes, Dad, I’ve been preparing for this moment for over a year. Ever since I ran into Lola in that drug store. I’ve known since then that I want her to be mine forever. Now it’s just time to make that official.”

“It’s just a shame that she had the Valentine’s Day musical show case today, or you could have done this earlier. You could know now, either way.”

I don’t like the way he says ‘either way’ like the fact she might say no is an option, but I decide to let that slide for a moment. I don’t want to make myself even more nervous.

“Yeah, I suppose so.” I shrug in a blasé manner. “But I wouldn’t do anything to step in the way of her music career. She’s worked so hard for this. She deserves all these breaks.”

“She might not be our highest grossing performer but I am glad we signed her. She gets steady work and she always does what’s asked of her in a professional way. We never have any trouble with her. Not like some of the other singers that I don’t need to name.”

I smirk to myself as I think over all the stories that Dad has told me. I don’t know if he knew what he was getting himself in for when he dived into the music industry. Although I think at first he was only supposed to be a silent investor. He pushed himself further in.

“Well, I think that’s how Lola likes it, Dad. I think she likes to keep a lower profile because then she still gets to keep some of her own life. She can go back and check on her dad – not that he needs it much these days – and she can see how Tim and the other farm hands are doing. She’s happy with the level of success that she has.”

“Yeah, and she gets to spend time with you as well.” Dad nudges me and smirks. This weird friendship we have now is awesome actually. “That’s got to be a bonus, right?”

“Yeah, well it’s helped.” I half shrug as I answer him. “Especially in the beginning when things were tough, when I was setting up my business. It helped a whole lot then!”

My business that’s now going from strength to strength. It’s one of those markets that people didn’t realize had much of a demand in until I started working in it. Now it’s rolled out massively. I’m actually making more profits than I originally intended, but I put them back in to expanding it. It’s amazing how easy it is for me to get help now, it seems that everyone wants to give something back, even my dad. Working on this for myself, seeing the difference I’ve made to others lives, it makes me so happy and it also makes all the sacrifice worth it. I wouldn’t want to be doing anything else in the world.

“Good, I’m glad you’ve managed to find a good girl. It inspired me to find one of my own!”

The other big news in my life is my father and his new, unexpected girlfriend. That came out of nowhere and stunned me. Sure, she’s a little younger than him, but she’s fiery and she puts him in his place which is just what he needs. She also has her own money, probably more than him, so she definitely can’t be accused of being a gold digger. Seeing my dad care about something other than the business is wonderful. It makes him happier and me too. The fact that I helped him to see that falling in love isn’t something to be afraid of is awesome.

He’s now been with her for six months, which means they might as well be married in my dad’s terms. It’s pretty much forever.

“Well, that’s great. June is awesome… you just keep taking care of her.”

I glance around the room once more, just confirming that everything is where I want it to be. I’ve hired out the entire Italian restaurant where I took her for our first proper date for calzones, and I’ve got it so there’s just one table in the middle of the room. A single candle sits in the middle of the table, flickering away beautifully, and I have a trail of rose petals leading to the table and fairy lights twinkling above us like stars. I have also brought in a couple of those cans of cider we drank while sitting on those rubber tires at ‘the dump’ in Lola’s home town. I kind of want it to be a homage to all the things we’ve been through together, while being a promise of things to come.

“It looks good, son, stop worrying.”

“Dad, I have to be honest. You’re the one who has me worrying,” I laugh awkwardly. “Now I’m second guessing everything. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked you to help me.”

“You need me here. For so many reasons… oh!” He pulls his cell phone out of his pocket. “Yep, just like this one. I’ve just had a text, Lola is being brought here now.”

“And she doesn’t know?” I’m still so desperate for this to be a secret. I’ve done so well at keeping it from her so far, despite the fact that I’ve been planning it for weeks. Usually I’m crap at keeping things from Lola so this has been hard. “She’s still not aware?”

“No, the event guy just said he’s taking her to meet you and that you’re in a work meeting. You have nothing to worry about. It’s all going to plan.”

I breath in deeply and nod, trying to believe my father. After all the hardship that Lola has endured in her life, I really want this to go perfectly. She deserves it after taking care of everyone else her whole life. She needs me to take care of her now.

“Right.” Dad pats me on the back. “I’m going now. Leave you two kids to it. I have to pick up Lola’s dad from the airport then he’s coming to stay with me so we can all go out and celebrate tomorrow.”

“Great, great, that will be a nice surprise. I guess I’ll see you then. I’ll message you to let you know what happens though.”

Once my dad leaves, I’m alone and it all becomes very real. I have a ring in my pocket, all tucked away in a little box that I agonized over for absolutely ages, and the room is all set up. Much as I want this to happen, now it’s really happening. Now the moment is really here. My heart is racing, the butterflies in my stomach have turned into birds, my throat is completely dry with fear. I don’t know if I’m actually going to be able to speak once the moment arrives.

“Hello? What the hell is going on?” All of a sudden, Lola’s voice breaks through the silence and I’m filled with a powerful warmth that can only come from her. “Brandon? Why are you having a meeting here? Isn’t this a little weird… oh!”

All of a sudden she comes into view and her hand claps across her mouth in shock. She doesn’t fully look like herself at the moment with all her stage make up on and her fancy sequined dress. Personally, I prefer her all natural, but I adore her all the same.

“There’s my super star.” I extend my arms out to hug her but she doesn’t immediately step into my embrace. She pauses where she is, looking a bit confused.

“What’s going on here?” she asks desperately. “Is this for Valentine’s Day?”

“It is,” I confirm. “Because you deserve to be spoiled.”

Eventually she falls into my arms and I hold her close to me. With her head on my chest, I slide my eyes closed and I just feel her for a moment. She feels good against my body, I love holding her. She just feels so right against me.

“Champagne?” Oh, I almost forgot about the waiter who will be dipping in and out, providing us with drinks and food throughout the evening. “Or would you prefer something else to drink?”

“Ooh, that sounds lovely, thank you.” Lola takes her chair and smiles up at me. That smile that melts my heart and makes me so happy. “Are you having a drink too?”

“Yes,” I rasp nervously. “Yes please.”

“Are you okay?” Lola asks me curiously. “You don’t seem like yourself.”

I nod rapidly, too rapidly. I was planning to do this at the end of the evening, but I don’t know if I can wait any longer. The pressure is getting too much. It’s building up powerfully inside of me, sending me insane. I need to get it out my system.

I move over to Lola, I take one of her hands in mine and I bite the bullet. I drop to one knee and I stare up at her with love shining in my eyes.

“Oh my God, what are you doing?” Lola asks me. “What is this?”

I reach into my pocket and pull out the ring, just to make things really clear. “Lola Boots, you are absolutely everything. I have loved you I think from the very first moment when you were up on that stage, singing your heart out.” I can’t help licking my lips as I remember how sexy she was on that night. “You have crashed unexpectedly into my life and turned everything upside down. You’ve taught me how to be the best version of myself, you’ve made me see how I’m worth while and how I can do something with my life… basically you’ve made me a better person.”

Lola wipes a stray tear from under her eye, but it seems to be a happy one, so I take a deep breath and I carry on with my proposal. I’ve been planning this for ages, I had every single word decided, but now I can hardly remember any of them. I’m just speaking from the heart. It seems to be working. I think… I hope.

“I love you so much, more than I thought it was possible to love anyone. I want to love you in the best way possible, I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy. I want to share in your happiness, I want to be there to make the hard times easier, I want to take care of you when you’re sick and cook for you when you’re hungry… basically I want to make you as happy as you make me. I guess what I’m asking is if you’ll be my wife? Will you marry me?”

“Yes,” Lola shoots back right away, immediately putting me out of my misery. “Of course I will. Oh my God, there isn’t anyone who can make me as happy as you do. I can’t wait to be your wife.”

“Oh thank God,” I tease. “I thought you were going to say no then.”

“No never.” She shakes her head rapidly at me. “I would never say no to you. Never.”

I take her hand and slide the ring onto her finger before I bounce back into a standing positon. Then I wrap my arms around her and I kiss her deeply and passionately. It’s taken us such a long time to get here and we’ve been through so much, but it makes me see that we’re strong enough to get through anything together. I know we can weather hard times, and I know we do well when things are good too. Lola Boots completes me and I hope that I complete her too.

I know we can have our happy ever after, I just can’t wait for that to finally get started.