Chapter Thirteen – Cici

I can’t stand the way that Michelle is looking at me, it makes me feel very uncomfortable. Mostly because I’m starting to see that maybe she’s right. I got lost in the fantasy, I allowed myself to believe the fairy tale in my mind might actually come true… all because I wanted it to. I’m an idiot, the biggest sucker of them all.

“Right, well I guess we can go out for drinks.” I give her a weak smile. “I’m not busy after all.”

Michelle cocks an eyebrow, but thankfully says nothing. I’m sure that won’t last though. She won’t be able to resist the ‘I told you so. I should’ve known, why didn’t I see this coming? I’m so dumb when it comes to men.

“Good, we can go and get something to eat. Anything you fancy? What about burgers and fries?”

Fries. Damn it, everything from here on out is going to remind me of Will. It’s going to be really hard to move past this non starting relationship. I wish he’d gotten bored of me sooner before I fell too hard. Then again, it hasn’t been long enough. I only have myself to blame. I should have more common sense.

“Burgers and fries yes. Wine… actually any alcohol no way.” I clutch my stomach. “I can’t hack it.”

Even though Michelle doesn’t understand the significance of fries and wine, she nods and agrees. “Sounds good. Let’s get to it, then we can head to The Bar which is just around the corner. Have a good catch up.”

Urgh, I hate The Bar when I’m sober but there’s no way I’m drinking. All of this has me sick. I’m nauseous, finding it challenging to concentrate, and just generally not myself. I know that I shouldn’t be searching for things I’ve done wrong, this is him not me, but every time I lose control of my brain, that’s where it goes first.

“Yeah, catch up, sure.” That just means a conversation about me and the mistakes I’ve made. “Good.”

A moroseness overcomes me as I walk next to Michelle. This is all a big surprise to me. I thought that me and Will were doing really good, I assumed things were just getting better between us. I wasn’t aware that he was about to pull away from me, stripping my heart from my chest and leaving me breathless. In a really bad way.

By the time we reach the burger place my mood is so low that I should’ve gone right home. I can’t see myself climbing out of this funk any time soon. It isn’t really fair on Michelle, I’m sure she doesn’t want to be stuck with a misery all night long. But I also don’t want her to feel sorry for me. That’s almost as bad as her telling me that she knew this would happen. I can handle a bit of heart ache, other people do it. I’ll be fine.

“Just the standard?” she asks as we walk inside and the warmth hits us. “I’ll get these for us.”

I nod and find a booth to sit in, preferably one where we can’t be seen. I can’t imagine Will ever coming here, but the last thing I want is to be unaware and in plain view for him to walk in with another woman on his arm. Now that we’re pulling apart, I’m cynical enough to know that might happen. Maybe not now, maybe not today, but I’m sure there’ll be a time when I will face that scene and I don’t want to crumble when it happens. I can’t be the first woman to fear seeing Will Yoker with another woman, and I guess I won’t be the last.

I sit in the corner, ducking my head down to hide my face away as I do. I probably look like I’m up to something, like I’m a criminal who’s trying to evade the law. Knowing my luck, I’ll get arrested and I’ll end up locked in a room with Will while he questions me about what I’m up to…

Oh, for goodness sake, this is ridiculous. I didn’t see Will before, I probably won’t see him again. I need to be calm about the whole situation. Just because he’s ‘busy’ doesn’t mean I can’t be out with my friend. I’ve already hidden away from the world enough for Will, I’ve been silly and sacrificed enough. No more. Not a chance.

“Right, here we are.” Michelle’s looking much too bright. She’s trying to cheer me up. “Okay?”

“Yeah, all good, thanks.” I idly stare out the window. “Thank you for dinner, this is nice.”

“Are you sure you don’t want a drink? I got you a water but the beer here is passable.”

My tummy curdles, causing me to shake my head. “No, water is good thank you.”

Michelle rests her hand on top of mine and she gives me a sympathetic look. I brace myself, straightening my spine while I wait for the dreaded lecture. But somehow, it doesn’t quite come. “You’ll be fine, you do know that, don’t you? I know it seems hard now, but you’ll get over it and bounce back. You’ve always been through worse. That’s what I always tell myself anyway, just to remind myself that I’m a strong and confident woman.”

I smile through the tears that threaten to fall. “Yeah, I know I will. I just haven’t opened up to anyone for a long time, and it was a bit of a shock, that’s all. I should’ve known that it was coming, but I was blind.”

Michelle rolls her eyes dramatically. “Oh, tell me about it. All my degrees and smarts go out the window as soon as I see a pretty face, it’s hard to resist. But a pretty face doesn’t sustain forever. Hopefully, you’ll get to see karma when it comes back to bite him. There’s nothing worse in the world.”

Right now, I’m not in the right frame of mind to thick about revenge, I’m still in the place where all I want in the world is to have him in my arms again. But there’s no way I can admit that to Michelle, not when I’m pathetic enough. Instead, I lean in and I joke around with her about all the things that karma might bring when I finally comes around. I’m not necessarily thinking about Will when I talk, it’s all just games, but surprisingly it helps.

***

I clutch the toilet bowl with shaking hands, gasping desperately as I try to get enough air into my lungs. I feel green, my stomach is churning, I can barely see straight, and my head is pounding. This sucks! I hate getting sick. It started a few weeks ago and it’s continually gotten worse ever since. The vomit starts in the morning and it continues on and off throughout the day. Then there’s the dizziness and the constant ache all over. I hate it.

I stagger upright and I stagger towards the medicine cabinet, needing something to make all of this go away. I don’t know what pills I have, it’s been a while since I last got ill, but I’ve got to have something. Even some aspirin would do right about now. I slam the door open and scrabble around, dropping the useless boxes on the ground to pick up when I’m feeling much better. Right now, I can barely deal at all.

What the…? All of a sudden, I grab onto something different, an unexpected shape. I pull it free, trying to focus my eyes as I work out what I have. Is it a temperature stick or something? That might be handy right now to see how ill I truly am. Oh… a pregnancy test! I remember when Michelle first brought this. She got a packet of about six after an online date which ended in a night of passion… passion without protection. She came here to do the tests because she didn’t want to be alone when she got the results and I guess she left one behind. She did a fair few just to confirm that it was really negative, but clearly one got neglected.

I clutch onto it, wondering why I can’t just put it down to search for something useful. It can’t be this, there’s no way this can be what my issue is. Just because I had sex without protection on more than on occasion. But that was just a mistake, an accident because I thought that I was falling for him and I got caught up in the heat of the moment, I didn’t want to end up with a baby in my belly… but shit, what if there is?

I clutch onto my belly, resisting the urge to puke again. Maybe I should just do the test to put the idea out of my mind. I’m sure it won’t be positive but it’ll always be a small, niggling doubt if I don’t. I should just get it out the way now, then I can continue on with healing myself. I need to get myself better.

“Urgh, idiot.” I shake my head as I walk over to the toilet. “This isn’t supposed to be me.”

I’m not supposed to be the girl with the broken heart and the pregnancy test, that’s never been what I’m like. Michelle was definitely right about one thing, Will Yoker gave me a mushy brain. It’s ridiculous.

As I pee on the stick, my heart races against my chest. I keep thinking about other things, trying to play it off in my mind so I won’t end up in a tight knot of panic, but it’s challenging to concentrate on anything else. Will and this potential baby is all of me. It’s coiling through my body like a nasty snake.

Once it’s done, I click the cap on and I wait. I pace the tiny bathroom, walking up and down as if I’m on some conference call discussing international business. It’s just one minute, not long at all. Sixty seconds to wait before I find out if my life is about to change forever. Just a little bit of time before I get my answer.

For a moment, I try to imagine what life with a baby would be like. It’s nothing I’ve ever considered before. Maybe in a very distant way, something to consider for the future, but never now. I’m not old enough to be a mother. Obviously, I am, biologically speaking, and I know how to deal with kids because I’m around them all the time, but I don’t know if I’m ready to have a whole human relying only on me for life. That’s a responsibility that makes me incredibly nervous. It’s horrible. I don’t know if I have what it takes to do it.

Okay, I tell myself nervously as I stare at the stick which sits on the back of the toilet. That’s been about a minute. Time to find out. Time to see the negative sign and move on with things.

My hand shakes as I reach out to touch it, anxiety bursts and explodes in my chest. I’m not ready for this answer, I almost want to walk away until I feel more emotionally equipped to cope, but as far as this is concerned I don’t think that minute will come. I’m sure I’ll always be unprepared. It’s much better to rip it of like it’s a band aid. I need to get the answer quick to work out what I’m going to do next…

Just look, I beg my brain. Pick it up and look already. What’s the worst that can happen?

Okay, no I need to scrap that. Since there’s only two outcomes here, it’s a fifty fifty chance that it will be the worst option. Instead, I wrap my fingers around it and I pull it towards me, peeking through a crack in my eyes.

Shit. There it is. The dreaded sign that I didn’t want to see, the one that I have no idea what to do with. The cross. It’s positive.