Chapter Fifteen – Cici

I rub my hand over my very swollen belly, smiling at the black and white fuzzy picture in my hand. “I can’t believe it,” I almost squeal. “We’re going to have a boy. Are you excited? I’m so excited.”

Will throws his arm over my shoulder and he smiles at me gleefully while snatching the picture from my hand. I love moments when he’s like this, when he’s all open and emotionally available. It makes me feel all safe with him. It reminds me of the early days when we were first dating and it all felt incredible. It’s been sticky the last few months, there have been some really hairy times, but we’re still here, pulling through. To be honest, all the difficult times are out of our control, they’re all related to this dangerous case that Will is working on. If it wasn’t for that, it’d be perfect. Everything would be just as perfect as I’ve always imagined it to be.

And this baby thing. It might’ve been unexpected, but it’s actually wonderful. It’s bringing us a lot closer together and I love it. In a way, me and Will are doing things all backwards, not how it’s expected of us, but I really don’t mind. It’s working for us, we’re figuring it out as we go, and that’s all good.

“What are we going to call him? I was thinking about Judd. Do you like that name?”

“Ooh, I like that, but I was thinking Ollie. Do you like that? Could we go for Ollie?”

“Maybe we should spend some time thinking about it. We still have four more months to go.”

Four more months and our little family will grow. Right now, we’re two adults trying to navigate life together in a pretty small two bedroom apartment, but soon there’ll be a baby in the mix, changing everything. It’s insane to think about, even with the little man kicking away in my stomach it’s hard to fully digest, but that hardly matters. This baby is going to be born soon, no matter what. He’ll be in our lives soon enough.

“Maybe we should go away,” Will says on impulse. “Have a long weekend somewhere before the baby comes. Go away to the country somewhere. Or even the city. Whatever you want. Have some me and you time.”

“Oh my God.” I grab onto his hand, keeping his arm fixed over my shoulder. “That sounds amazing, I would love that. I’ll be on maternity leave soon enough anyway, so we can do whatever we want to.”

We could so use it. Both of us have been incredibly stressed recently with work we could use a time out. Will especially. This dangerous case, which he keeps trying to tell me isn’t too dangerous, is crushing him. I want to see him in a more relaxed environment, I want to have some romance and love time. I need that.

“Ooh, I think the country would be awesome. Somewhere private and quiet. Just us.”

“Oh, yeah, mmm, I can almost feel it already.” Will’s eyes slide closed. “The birds tweeting in the trees, the warm winds washing over us, the lack of traffic bleeping and roaring outside. Sounds awesome.”

“You really are quite the poet.” I laugh loudly. “It must be all the books you read.”

The books that I’m now coming to love myself. Well, some of them at least. I’m certainly expanding my reading anyway, learning things that I wouldn’t otherwise. It’s pretty cool and gives me more insight to Will.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Will rolls his eyes at me. “Come on, I’m taking you to lunch.”

He takes me to a café and I immediately excuse myself to the bathroom while he orders for us. I can still feel some of the cold, sticky blue jelly that the doctor spread across my stomach for the ultrasound and I want to get it off. It’s a weird and slightly uncomfortable sensation. I can’t hate it though, it showed me my little boy.

I smile at my reflection in the mirror while I wipe the rest of the stuff off, looking like a different person. I feel like a massive weight has been lifted, today has been a really awesome day. It’s so awesome, it’s the sort of news that I wish I could share with the rest of the world. I want to post my baby bump on social media, I wish I could post my scan picture, but Will has said that we shouldn’t. I know it’s because of the work stuff and he’s scared that the baby will make me a bigger target, but sometimes I worry that it might be because he’s freaked.

Still, at least I can text Michelle. She’s still doubtful, I’m sure of it, but outwardly, she’s been nothing but supportive. ‘Guess what? It’s a baby boy! That’s super exciting, right? Love ya, C xx’

I pause and press the cell phone to my lips while I wait for her to text back. There’s a real happiness dancing behind my eyes, I can’t switch that off. Even when Will is tense and things are bad, he makes me feel much better than anyone else does in the world. I still want to be near to him all the damn time.

‘That’s great news, girl, I’m really happy for you. Hope all is good. Michelle xx’

I use the bathroom quickly, figuring I might as well while I’m here since my bladder has become a football for this little boy, then I head back into the café where Will is already sitting and waiting for me. When he spots me, he grins wildly as if I make him as happy as he makes me. I love the feeling that look gives me, especially because I keep worrying that this baby has pushed him into a commitment that he’s nowhere near ready for. I’m scared that there’s going to be a moment which pushes him too far and sends him flying… but so far so good. I was a little scared about today, actually. I thought that the ultrasound might terrify him, but it’s actually been one of the best days of our relationship so far. Will has been wonderful, really loving and available. I love him when he’s like this… well, maybe not love exactly, I don’t want to force that, but something very close.

Or maybe it is love. Maybe I’m just scared to say it aloud because it’s like lying my heart on the table and leaving it vulnerable and exposed. Perhaps this truly is everything…

Just as I’m about to take my seat opposite Will, his cell phone rings out and the magic of the moment shatters. He tugs it from his pocket, his expression tightening when he sees the number on the screen. That means it’s work which equals an immediate end to our wonderful day. This is why we need a break, to escape all of this. When Will is away from it, when he switches his brain off, he’s a truly incredible man.

“Oh, hold on, this is Andre.” Of course it is. When isn’t it? There’s no point in reminding him that this is supposed to be his day off, he’ll take the call anyway. “Hey, mate, what’s going on?”

I can’t hear what Andre is saying to Will, but it’s obvious from the way that his face is falling it isn’t good news. I still don’t know too much about the case, but it’s obviously going downhill. It’s something drugs related, something that’s unpleasant, and that leaves Will in danger. I want to probe for details but Will just tells me that the more I know the bigger target I’ll put on my head. I guess I don’t want that. I can’t afford that. I’m not just living my life for myself anymore. I have this little man growing bigger and bigger inside of me every single day.

It’s okay, I think morosely as I stroke my belly and communicate with my unborn child. You daddy is just busy trying to make the world a better place, that’s all. It’ll be different when we’re away on our mini break.

Although, realistically, I already know that this weekend away isn’t going to happen. There’s no way that Will can get that much time off work. Even when he isn’t at the station, he’s permanently on call. This Andre, who weirdly I haven’t met by the way which I think is strange since I’ve been with his police partner for months, calls all the time. It’s almost as if the whole place falls apart without him. It’s irritating.

The waitress brings our food over to the table and sets it in front of us, but Will doesn’t even notice. He’s too involved in what Andre is saying to him. I already know that he’ll be on the call for ages now, so I don’t bother waiting before I tuck in. I’m starving, carrying this baby makes me hungry all the time, and I can’t be bothered to wait. Maybe, once this case is over, we’ll be able to start doing things together properly.

I don’t want to imagine my future if all the police cases are like this. I don’t want to worry about a long and lonely life with a man who’s never really there. That’s the last thing I want. I don’t even know if I’m ready to be a mother, never mind virtually a single parent. No, for now it’s much easier for me to live in my own little fantasy world where everything is perfect. In that world, Andre never calls, Will only works when he’s supposed to, and we’re really planning this mini break rather than just talking about it, then forgetting it.

I wonder if this is what happened to Annabelle. Maybe she married Landon on a whim because things were amazing in the beginning, but then real life set in and she realized that things weren’t going to be so picture perfect after all. I don’t want to feel any kind of affinity with her, not after the way that she spoke to me the last time that we talked on the phone, but maybe I do just a tiny bit. Not enough to pick up the phone and call her, but it’s there all the same. Landon’s a workaholic too, from what I’ve hear about him, so there’s a chance she’s lonely as well. Luckily, she isn’t pregnant so she doesn’t have that added worry! I’m sure she wouldn’t avoid posting it on social media if she was. She’d want the whole world to know.

“I’m sorry.” Will gives me an apologetic look as he hangs up the phone. “I really don’t want to do this…”

“But you have to go.” I know the drill by now. “Fine, sure. I guess I’ll see you later on.”

“You’ll get back to the apartment soon? Because I’d rather know that you’re safe.”

“Yes,” I sigh. “I’ll be back in the high tech security system soon enough, don’t you worry about me.”

Every time I think he might be relaxing and giving up on the crazy, over the top stuff, he reminds me that he won’t. “Because I can walk you back now, I don’t mind…”

“I want to finish this first, I’m starving, and I know you’re in a rush. Please, I won’t be long and I’m not far. I’ll text you as soon as I get back so you don’t have to worry.”

He doesn’t like it, but he doesn’t have to. He can see I’m not caving. “Okay, please do. Thank you.”

He leans down to kiss me, before flying out the door. I’m staying with Will because I adore that sweet side to him, even if I don’t get to see it as often as I would like, I love knowing that it’s there, and I also like the idea of having a solid family unit for our baby, but things aren’t perfect. I can’t live in my fantasy forever. At some point, we really are going to have to make some changes for all of our sakes.